My partner has BPD and our relationship is at breaking point

[Mary79]

Hi
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 2 years and my partner was diagnosed with BPD last year and still waiting for help from the mental health team, I have found counselling services but she won't go. When we lived seperately my partner would get paranoid if I was at my home accusing me of being out with other people when I wasn't, blaming me for not caring enough and she was stuck at home with her two children all the time, I started to see my family and friends less to the point I now don't see any of them, if I try to it causes an argument, we moved in together last year after a family suicide and her mum being terminally ill, I sold my home so I could move in to look after the kids while she looked after mum, my partner promised me it would be ok but her behaviour got worse. Her mum passed away and the outbursts have become less frequent but more intense, she waits for the kids to be home before starting on me, tells them I don't care about them so they start on me, I've paid all the bills since I moved in, I'm the only one that works because my partner makes excuses to not find a job, if I have to work late or going on training I'm accused of having affairs, last night it was an office night out, I was home by 8.30 but I got texts all night saying I should go out and find someone else, when I got home she kept trying to make me feel guilty and today it's all kicked off as soon as her daughter is home that I'm selfish, I don't care and that she wants me to leave again! It's the same argument everytime and I am struggling to not lose it with her! I've given up so much and It's making me lonely and unhappy

It's not that easy to leave as I've sunk most of our savings paying her debts and keeping a roof over our heads, if I leave I will have nothing and nowhere to go

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Mary79, and thanks so much for sharing.

It sounds like it's been an incredibly stressful time all around. Two kids, a suicide, and a dying mother, with BPD on top of all that--no wonder she's lashing out and you're feeling unhappy. I can tell you care deeply about your partner and want to help her, because you've invested so much in the relationship. At the same time, it is so difficult to feel like you're in a circular argument and your own needs aren't being met. I hope you will find this board a good place to feel centered and supported.

I understand your partner isn't ready to seek counseling services. What about you--have you ever thought about seeking some professional support? It can feel overwhelming trying to navigate a relationship with someone who has these emotions and behaviors, and talking with someone really can help. It sounds like you are feeling sad about being isolated from your family and friends, and that you feel you can't reach out to them without upsetting your partner. It may help to start thinking about your needs for boundaries even within your partnership. It's so important to find ways to take care of you, too.

You may have already found our Lessons board. A couple of things that I come back to regularly are Boundaries and Values and Communicate-S.E.T.(Support, Empathy, Truth). I also remember the first time I read this one--it was eye-opening for me,
 as I was so accustomed to being in a position where I felt i needed to explain or defend myself:
 Stopping Circular Arguments. These resources may have some information that will help you, as well.

What kinds of things do you do to help yourself feel grounded and happy? Are you able to do something small every day to show love to yourself?

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

P.F.

[Mutt]

H Mary79,  



I'd like to echo   PFChange, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It helps to talk, a pwBPD will say mostly negative things about you - it's distortion it helps to hear positive feedback about yourself to counter balance that, it's important that you spend time with friends and family in real life. As   PFChange said, your pwBPD will lash out because she is hyper sensitive to rejection, it's the nature of the disorder, it helps to read as much as you can about the disorder. It will do two things, it will help normalize the behavior and when you understand why she does what she does, it's not personal, you can depersonalize the behaviors. Self care is important for anyone, it's uber important when you're in a r/s with a pwBPD.

What do you do for self care?