Does he or she still feel like "the one"? Why or why not?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

A while back I made a similar post asking if people love their ex, but I wanted to word it a little differently. Been posting a lot lately... .feel like I am having a breakthrough in recovery, but then I see her at work and I am set back. Thanks for bearing with me. I am trying to push through and find strength, even if I do have to see her. Guess having to see her is why I'm posting here today.

I am mostly interested in what others have to say, but I'll write a few of my thoughts/where I am at with this question ":)oes he or she still feel like 'the one'?". I still THINK she's the one, in this raw sense of missing her like I've never missed anyone, missing feeling close and having an intimacy I'm now doubtful we ever actually shared. Since things ended about a year ago, I have been able to feel attracted to other women, but have not experienced anything close to the same level of interest. I think I love her deeply, but I know I never got to know her well enough, so I have to assume it is indeed addiction. I think I also just sort of feel inferior to her. I think she's really smart and cool, and that's why I liked her. Now that she doesn't like me, I feel inadequate I guess. That aspect doesn't feel like a healthy, meaningful connection.

Still, there are many things about who she is, independent of our relationship, mirroring, idealization, or what have you, that I really, really like a lot about her, as far as I know or can tell. This is based on observing her from afar. Before we even talked to each other and I just saw her walk in the room, there was something special about her that attracted me a lot. What is that magical quality though? Is it an attraction I can trust and trust again in the future with someone else or is it my addicted mind honing in on unresolved hungers? Again I think it must be an addiction or unhealthy thing, because it's really strong, consuming, lead to me to eventually sacrifice my own values, and has kept me stuck long after I should be moved on. And yet still, in this movie in my mind, I idealize her, and she is still "the one" for me (even though mountains would have to be moved for me to actually date her again--I couldn't take the pain). It's a funny thing to say the least.

How about you? Has anyone gained perspective on seeing their ex as "the one" after time has gone by or after entering a new relationship that works? Looking back , do you still see positive parts of what attracted you initially? Does it feel more like just a tough time of your life? What do you think?

[vanx]

A while back I made a similar post asking if people love their ex, but I wanted to word it a little differently. Been posting a lot lately... .feel like I am having a breakthrough in recovery, but then I see her at work and I am set back. Thanks for bearing with me. I am trying to push through and find strength, even if I do have to see her. Guess having to see her is why I'm posting here today.

I am mostly interested in what others have to say, but I'll write a few of my thoughts/where I am at with this question ":)oes he or she still feel like 'the one'?". I still THINK she's the one, in this raw sense of missing her like I've never missed anyone, missing feeling close and having an intimacy I'm now doubtful we ever actually shared. Since things ended about a year ago, I have been able to feel attracted to other women, but have not experienced anything close to the same level of interest. I think I love her deeply, but I know I never got to know her well enough, so I have to assume it is indeed addiction. I think I also just sort of feel inferior to her. I think she's really smart and cool, and that's why I liked her. Now that she doesn't like me, I feel inadequate I guess. That aspect doesn't feel like a healthy, meaningful connection.

Still, there are many things about who she is, independent of our relationship, mirroring, idealization, or what have you, that I really, really like a lot about her, as far as I know or can tell. This is based on observing her from afar. Before we even talked to each other and I just saw her walk in the room, there was something special about her that attracted me a lot. What is that magical quality though? Is it an attraction I can trust and trust again in the future with someone else or is it my addicted mind honing in on unresolved hungers? Again I think it must be an addiction or unhealthy thing, because it's really strong, consuming, lead to me to eventually sacrifice my own values, and has kept me stuck long after I should be moved on. And yet still, in this movie in my mind, I idealize her, and she is still "the one" for me (even though mountains would have to be moved for me to actually date her again--I couldn't take the pain). It's a funny thing to say the least.

How about you? Has anyone gained perspective on seeing their ex as "the one" after time has gone by or after entering a new relationship that works? Looking back , do you still see positive parts of what attracted you initially? Does it feel more like just a tough time of your life? What do you think?

[CottonClouds]

People with BPD can have this aura, it is unlike any aura others posses. But it is manufactured and not natural. People with BPD hate to be alone so they like to attract others more than the average person. This is why their aura is fake, it is not genuine. They are trying to pull you in with everything they have. Next time you are drawn to this the      should go up! I am actively seeking out laid-back and calm types to avoid a life of misery. If you talk with someone and they are totally chill and mature chances are you will have great luck with becoming friends.

You deserve someone who sees you as an equal and does not have a toxic black/white mindset. You deserve someone who does not split on you, who can go from love to hate. Why not more neutral? 

I felt like she was "the one" for me, but now I am convinced that I am only drawn to people who are bad for me, looking at my history. I keep falling for the "same person different face." Is she nice? Not really. Is she familiar? Heck yeah. But that is why its always going to turn out toxic for ME, so I have decided to call it quits on love until I decide to be with someone that I am not "falling for" and merely approaching casually. I hope this makes sense and helps you.

[PaticAttack]

Yes, I feel that she was the "one".  I am having a very difficult time letting our relationship go.  She is with someone else and has done things that I should be more angry about and move on, but there is something keeping me locked in this spot.  Maybe the addiction?  Maybe I love the false hope that I will get the girl in the end?  I am only 4 months out of the short relationship and I am foolishly waiting for a recycle, but I know that it will not be the same.  I will never trust her like I did at the beginning.  I also know that I will never get that recycle because I want it.  I feel like I will drag this damn dead horse around for many more months, I seriously want to let go, but I dont know how.  I feel like every time I post here, its dark and effed and I dont really know how to express how I am feeling.  So I keep them limited.  I honestly saw some things today that made me contemplate hanging myself, its horrible!   I do hope at some point I can move past this and look back and think "What the heck was I thinking?"  But right now, thats not where I am at and at the same time, thats not where I want to be.  I am sorry that I only have the negative feelings to share with you.  

[LilMe]

I am 18 months out of a 10 year 'marriage' to an uBPD and I feel like I am getting worse, not better.  We have children and share custody so I can't go NC.  We also live in a rural community so I run into him often.  He continues to legally torture me.  He is now suing me for our car (he is blind and doesn't drive).  I am homesick.  I live in a cramped, crappy rental house in town and he lives in our nice home in the country.  I live with my children who he wouldn't allow me to see when we were together and I wouldn't trade that for the world, but I am so lonely.  Yet, not ready to move on.  I guess I just feel stuck.  I still randomly burst into tears daily.

I am approved for a home loan, but there are no homes in out small school district available right now.  Our landlord died and they are trying to sell our house, so that is a constant stress.  And since I stupidly gave up my business when we were together and he kept everything I owned, I am struggling financially.  But I am getting by OK and I love my job.  I try to stay busy, but sometimes I just can't motivate.

I just keep pushing along, trying to remember why I left and focus on the good in my life.  Hopefully time will eventually heal.

  Hugs to all who are struggling!  I hate that anyone has to feel this way!

[Hisaccount]

She was absolutely not the one.

I understand the love bombing now, the idealization phase. I loved it. I miss it. I want that so badly. But it is not right. It is a red flag.

When I look back, I don't see the good. I see the bad. I am not angry, or resentful, but maybe a little bitter. Only seeing the bad is odd for me. I tend to bury it and forget about it, but there was just too much.
The way she treated me, the things she did. The things she said. The lies, the abuse, the manipulation, the cheating, the addictions, the accusations. Total destruction and Chaos always. Never good enough for anything, never sorry, never appreciative. Always demanding more. The rages, the fits. The tantrums. The projecting.

Sure she did her best to always look great, but that is the ONLY good thing I can say about her. Everyone thought she was pretty, but once you get to know her you realize she was the ugliest most unattractive person on the planet.

NOO! she is not the one.

All y'all that think they were the one, y'all are nuts and need help.
(( I am joking) Come on laugh with me. ) No really laugh, it was funny, I promise)

[vanx]

A pretty interesting range of responses.

CottonClouds, I've been thinking about this "aura" you speak of a lot lately. It still arrests me. I had to work with my ex today, and it was awful, but I still feel so charmed by her. I have a hard time understanding what it is. I think you are on to something about the skills of attracting a partner, but I also wonder, what is it about me that falls for this? Not everyone would I don't think. As I get older, I think that no one is really that cool, but some people still have this super cool mystique to them, like my ex. I think I must be a little immature for thinking so much of it, or a bit of an addictive personality for craving the rush she gave me initially.
PanicAttack, I'm sorry for the situation you're in, but I've been there myself... .still am I guess, though I personally would be too terrified to get back together, even if she actually wanted to, which I don't think will happen. You never know though. But whatever happens, what counts now is taking care of ourselves. I think you will have some more perspective in time, but that's not to say it will be easy. I'm really sorry things are dark--I can be in a dark place myself at times. Do you have friends or family you can talk to? You always have people here. Sometimes I feel like I am just rambling incoherently, but then I'll get thoughtful, kind replies, so I would encourage you to keep posting here.
I feel stuck too LilMe. I feel really bad about the situation you're in with having joint custody and living in the same small town. That sounds tough. I think you're strategy for moving forward sounds really solid. I know it's not easy, but it makes me glad that you focus on the positive. I try to do that too, and it does help.
Hisaccount, I appreciate your perspective as the one so far to say "no way" . It's cool that you can really see idealization for what it is. Honestly, I struggle with that. It still seems very real and like it was natural to me, except I know things happened way too fast to have been what they seemed.

Thanks for you input.

[once removed]

well, hopefully not, as its been nearly seven years 

she did at the time. i had felt that way before, so i knew when the relationship ended, as much pain as i was in, those feelings would fade, and they did.

that doesnt mean it wasnt a very special and close relationship, or my most significant relationship to date. it was a first for me in many, many ways, and really my first adult relationship. im thankful for that experience.

i do believe she came into, and left my life, for reasons, and that those reasons shaped me in powerful ways. im a healthier, more resilient, more grounded, more knowledgeable and mature person than i was before i was with her. im thankful for that too, because i dont think healthier relationships were available to me, and they are now.

[vanx]

Thanks once removed. It's nice to hear from someone with more time since the breakup. I hope I can reach a balaced place like you have.

[CottonClouds]

Her aura is familiar to you perhaps?

I don't think anyone is mysterious, its all phony in my opinion. Mysterious-seeming people are really just people trying to hide their flaws, nothing exciting there. I feel myself being more drawn to blunt/extroverted people now, after my experience with the person I knew who has BPD.

[vanx]

Her aura is familiar to you perhaps?

I don't think anyone is mysterious, its all phony in my opinion. Mysterious-seeming people are really just people trying to hide their flaws, nothing exciting there. I feel myself being more drawn to blunt/extroverted people now, after my experience with the person I knew who has BPD.

Your perspective is encouraging. I am trying to be more mature and not be so attracted to my usual type. That's what keeps me going as far as the pain--it's the only way to learn a lesson sometimes... .I appreciate your opinion. That's a good point about the familiarity. What does it say about me that I am more interested in this type of allure and find genuine and probably more accepting people kind of boring? I hope I can find deeper appreciation for more suitable partners. Thanks for your thoughts on this.

[CottonClouds]

I am glad to help. 

Hmm I don't think it says much about you, but it says more about the environment you grew up in. Did you grow up with a lot of drama? Were any of your family/household members abusive in a BPD-ish way? For me I realized that I am drawn to people with BPD because it is what I know best. I did not have a calm/healthy childhood, it wasn't that bad to be honest, just had a lot of drama... .

So now as an adult I subconsciously crave that drama even though its not what my logical brain wants at all. "Normal" relationships bore me, but I am making an effort to seek them out finally.

This video really helped me come to the conclusions I have made. I hope it helps you too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCS6t6NUAGQ

[Duped 1]

She was absolutely not the one.

I understand the love bombing now, the idealization phase. I loved it. I miss it. I want that so badly. But it is not right. It is a red flag.

When I look back, I don't see the good. I see the bad. I am not angry, or resentful, but maybe a little bitter. Only seeing the bad is odd for me. I tend to bury it and forget about it, but there was just too much.
The way she treated me, the things she did. The things she said. The lies, the abuse, the manipulation, the cheating, the addictions, the accusations. Total destruction and Chaos always. Never good enough for anything, never sorry, never appreciative. Always demanding more. The rages, the fits. The tantrums. The projecting.

Sure she did her best to always look great, but that is the ONLY good thing I can say about her. Everyone thought she was pretty, but once you get to know her you realize she was the ugliest most unattractive person on the planet.

NOO! she is not the one.

All y'all that think they were the one, y'all are nuts and need help.
(( I am joking) Come on laugh with me. ) No really laugh, it was funny, I promise)

This is very well written and about 90% applies to my situation as well. She is a beautiful woman on the outside but by far the ugliest human I have even known on this inside. The way she treated me makes her ugly.

[vanx]

Thanks, CottonClouds,

I have a hard time remembering what growing up was like, but I have been trying to search FOO stuff too. I know there was a lot of turmoil around my parents' failed marriage, and I know I was an emotional caregiver for my mom in many ways. Maybe I crave the drama too. I think part of it is I feel so lifeless and depressed that an exciting and lively person wakes up my spirit, but it can be a toxic excitement that I crave.

Good for you for effecting change and making new decisions. I am going to try to do the same at last, because I know I can't go through this sort of thing again. Thanks also for the video! I have just started watching it but will watch the whole thing--it seems helpful for this issue at hand!