Feeling relief

[myfault61]

I am new to this group. After 21 years of marriage, I am back in counseling AGAIN! I went back to counseling after my husband lost his job of 12 years due to a medical diagnosis in March and my mother's passing in April. I have had so many personal and professional losses this year that I was struggling to cope. My husband is not supportive, although, in his mind, he puts his own needs aside when he knows someone else needs something. Bull___!
As I described my husband's behaviors to my therapist, she suggested that I look at the characteristics of BPD. As I am certain many of you can relate, I thought "OH MY GOD! That's him" I immediately felt a sense of relief. Why? Because now I can get the tools to help myself to understand and deal with the lunacy. I am so sick and tired of losing sleep because he decides to take issue with me over something stupid at 3:00 am.
I am my husband's third spouse. He and his first wife are so much alike I am surprised they divorced. His second wife was not nearly as patient and divorced him after 7 years of marriage.
He had a major depression episode in 2000 and it has gone downhill from there. We  have a 20 year old son and a 17 year old son with autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, anxiety and depression. Everyday is an adventure and not always a good one.
I am glad to be a part of this group and look forward to gain some insight into these behaviors.
Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Welcome, myfault61!  I am glad you have found us.  Your interest in learning coping skills fits right in with our mindset here on the "Improving" board.  That's what we do.  Check out the resources on the right sidebar.  Did your therapist recommend any books to read?  The favorite primer is "Walking on Eggshells," though "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder" and "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" are also good.

Can I ask you to do two things?  Take a look at the resources to the right and tell us what catches your eye that seems most useful to you.  Then also, let us know about a coping skill that you figured out on your own that has improved things someone for you (if you've been at this 20 years, for sure you have a few tips to share

Wentworth

[pearlsw]

Hi myfault61,

Glad you found us here! This is a very supportive place. The more you read here the more this will start to make more sense and seem less personal. I live in a small village and am a bit cash strapped for book buying at the moment so I just read the stuff here and find that there is a lot of good material to work with! There are a lot of nooks and crannies of info. here and I find new things all the time! I'm glad your counselor "gets" what BPD is about. Be careful not to fall into just venting if ya can I would suggest - there is time and place for that, but there is so much more to do! Take a skills based focus and you might be surprised at how much you can change things. Personally I took an attitude of I'm just gonna tackle this myself and ask nothing of my husband. His positive changes lately have just come out of response to what he sees me modeling and thank goodness he has a tendency to like to copy things I do!