- Anybody in my situation? How did you know you were making progress for yourself or your BPD?
- What have been important milestones in seeking therapy for your partner who may have BPD?
- How to get her to recognize the splits and distortions without pointing them outright? She is very wary of being diagnosed with any mental condition and the few times she's seen somebody she has generalized that she feels anxious from time to time and lists the (possible but unreal) reasons for that such as not working, not being challenged, and me having a very stressful life.
Hi there, I want to join Pearlsw in welcoming you
Anyone in your situation?... . Take a look at the number of members, we are a whole bunch of people who know what you are strugling with. We all make a lot of mistakes that we can share so the others learn from them without commiting them themselves. That's great, right?
How did you know you were making progress for yourself or your BPD? ... .This is a marathon, we all wanted to be fixers at one point, but our work has to be a commitment for the long run. Improvement, progress are things we'll see soon enough, but fixing, a 180ยบ Change... .That can be very frustrating if you have that in mind. It is a difficult question, because we make progress and then one day it seems like everything is worse, or completely gone, and then a week later we see the sunshine. So it is not easy to measure, but we know, we feel it. Every relationship has its pointers and signals.
Here you have a lesson about getting your loved one to go to therapy:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy I hope it helps you. My approach has been always to say that someone
deserves therapy/help instead of needing therapy/help. The diagnosis is an important milestone and a destabilizing one, even if they suspected all their life that they had a mental illness, even if they joke about it and say it out loud... .Having a doctor label you as "insane" it's a big blow to their emotions. At the same time, knowing there are more people like yourself out there, can be very supporting and end/paliate a life long struggle for identity. Idealy, this realization and the hope for a specific treatment, and for a life worth living would come before the diagnosis.
My gf told me recently, that my reaction to her diagnosis, made the whole difference about wanting to life after having it. It was the best recognition I could have. A good way to learn about this is the book "The Budda and the Borderline", I think anyone with BPD would read it and say "Wow I have this!" And it is writen in 1st person, so you feel compasion and hope for the person suffering, and if you have it, you instantly know there are more people like you out there.
HERE there are a lot of people like YOU, we are here to listen and to walk our path parallel to yours. Coming here was a milestone for me, it opened a roadblock and I felt hope for the first time in a long while. Knowing that I had people to talk about this, lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders too. I don't cease to work, so you miss the milestones often, but one day you look back and realize the fights haven't been bad for months, that you feel different, and that you have tools where you felt powerless before.
Be patient. There is a lot to learn, but it can't be done in a day. You'll answer your questions, with slow realizations, and you'll know that other questions weren't the right ones. Some of it is not in our hands, friend. They have a path to walk themselves. And many many times, we just have to get out of the way, and trust and hope, and be there on the side. As PEarlsw said,
You need to be ready for a total rethink Take a step back and learn what is the new logic in this relationship. Be patient and humble. Take a step back, and then many small sure steps ahead. Many times, being still will be enormusly better that steping in the wrong direction. Don't fear that, it just means that you probably have to do less than what you think you must, and when you learn that, it is a calming reality.
As a start, I would say that you agree with her that she has anxiety. It is more important that she knows that you believe her. Than for her to realize it is more than that. One of the most important tools is
validation. And more than that, not being invalidating.
As I told you, we are here to listen. I know you are suffering yourself, to the point that you can't sleep, and you sure feel lost. I bet that reading Eggshells comforted you in the knowledge that things started to make sense. The more you learn, the less lost you'll feel, new concepts take some time to sink in. I hope you recover a healty sleeping time. Would you like to tell us more about youself, or your experience? You are on the right track, don't let your agony about wanting to tell and fix things get in the way of the progress. We know it burns inside, but it pays to be patient and sure-footed.
Take care.
