So she scratched and pinched me in front of the kids

[joshbjoshb]

Hi there!

Long time member... .you can read many of my other posts and previous stories. I did tremendous progress and overall the fire is kept on low most of the time. Mainly by me just validating and almost not really arguing when she comes with her long rants of all of the bad stuff I do / I am.

I guess in the past day or two I had some tension myself, so when she criticized me I responded, compared what I did to what she is doing (like simple stuff  "you left the closet door open! You always do, what a slob bla bla" and I responded "yes, I just came home today and saw you also left it open" to which she went completely ballistic).

So as part of it, this morning she criticized me for something, I said something and she went into a rage, pinched and scratched me in front of the kids, and when I said stop she said "next time it will be with a knife... .or actually I will use the knife the other way and kill myself".

My oldest - 8 years old - started crying etc.

Now I don't know what to do. I know why this happened - she was triggered because I criticized her for something. This is one of her biggest triggers which I guess is reminding her of her own fear that she is nothing and I will abandon her etc.

But how can I put a line in the sand and tell her that physical violence is not acceptable?

I think that going to police etc. will just trigger a divorce, which I don't want because of my kids. I am 100% convinced that the current arrangement will do better for them then us getting divorced.

So how do I put, and enforce, a boundary?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Tattered Heart]

Tough situation. Is this the first time she has ever gotten physically violent with you or is this repeated behavior?

If it's the first time then I think it's important to speak some hard truths to her, letting her know that this behavior is unacceptable. I would suggest using the communication tool SET with her.

Maybe start by saying something like, "I understand that at times you get angry with me and it's important that you are able to express your anger. I want us to be able to talk through our issues. Physical violence is unacceptable. It is abusive and I don't like it. I don't want our son to be exposed to it. I know that I can push your buttons at times and that angers you. Understand though that even when I frustrate you,  I love you and you are important to me. Can we agree that violence will not be a part of our relationship?"

If she is unwilling to agree to not being violent or if she becomes violent again, what will your next step be?

[once removed]

two parts to this as i see it. Tattered Heart covered the first one, drawing a line at physical violence.
 
the second part, is to stop the bleeding and not escalate matters. the "fair fighting rules" will help a lot with that. when it comes to "fair fighting", if someone comes to you with a complaint/accusation, "yes and you did it too" will almost always escalate the situation.

• Focus on solving a problem/reaching a solution rather than venting your anger or winning a victory.

• Deal with one issue at a time. No fair piling several complaints into one session.

• Stay focused on the present. Bringing up the past isn't fair

• State the problem clearly - think through what your complaint is, make sure you have all the facts.

• Avoid blaming the other parent.

• Use an "I-message" to state how you feel. When the kids come back from spending time with you they are often hungry. I am worried that they aren't getting enough to eat at your house.

• Be willing to listen to what the other parent has to say. Summarize what you hear the other person saying. This is called paraphrasing or active listening.

• Focus on the problem - not the person.

• Brainstorm solutions. Be willing to compromise. Give a little to get a little.

• Choose the best solution that will work for everybody - especially your kids.

• Implement the solution. If it doesn't work, schedule another time to talk and pick another solution.

fair fighting rules and discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=164901.0