Why the Guilt Trip?

[Lostinanother]

I sent my exgf an email a week ago to say that I hope she gets help and that I know about all the crappy things she did and because she lied so much I don’t know what was real or not. It was pretty much a kind email, with a little blame underlying perhaps... .
She replied almost a week later to simply say that I am terrible person and I’ve hurt her so much... .
Why the guilt trip after NC on her end for almost 2 weeks?
I don’t get it... .

[Lostinanother]

I broke NC and replied... .feel pretty ___ now

[CloseToFreedom]

Hi Lostinanother,

One of the things that seems pretty much universal with BPD is that they cannot process any form of critique. Even if you try to explain to her in a normal way how her actions have hurt you, she will see this as a personal attack. Because BPD cannot put the blame on themselves (for that would mean she would have to split herself black and they cannot do that), they have to assume that you are the one to blame. Its basic survival for them.

Furthermore, an email where you tell her the bad things she has done is a surefire way to make her defensive. Believe me, I've tried hundreds of time to defend myself and my actions, to let her see what she has done, etcetera. The ONLY result you will get is that she will split you even more black and she will hate you all the more for it. Don't beat yourself up about having done that, but try to learn from it and try to stop contacting her.

You should never get back with her, but if you want her to pine for you, contacting her yourself is a surefire way to never make it happen. Keep your distance. Hopefully it will make you grow enough and heal your wounds enough for when she makes contact in the future (could be years away), you won't want to engange anymore. Save yourself!

[CloseToFreedom]

OH and just read you broke contact and replied. Dont beat yourself up about it, it happens. Ive replied to hundreds of emails and text messages. But believe me it won't do anything, it will just make her hate you more. Disengage, go No Contact. Its not to punish her, its to save yourself. Please consider it. For your sanity.

[Lostinanother]

Yeah, we’ve been messaging back and forth for hours and it really is like pissing into the wind... .
Everything I write is just responded with guilt tripping, word twisting and blame pushing... .

[CloseToFreedom]

Yeah, we’ve been messaging back and forth for hours and it really is like pissing into the wind... .
Everything I write is just responded with guilt tripping, word twisting and blame pushing... .

That is why you need to stop it. You are trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is irrational. It won't work, you won't make her see the way she treated you, and even if deep down she would see/know, she would never ever admit that. That is death for these types of people, they cannot do that.

The best 'revenge' or 'closure' with these people is living your own life and not wasting a breath on them anymore. Believe me, they will notice that in the long run and they'll feel punished, even if they won't reach out they'll know. At least take satisfaction in that. Its something for the long run and hopefully you'll be living so much for yourself by then that it doesn't matter anymore if she opens up or not. Even if she opens up, its just more manipulation. Don't fall for it.

[Lost-love-mind]

. The ONLY result you will get is that she will split you even more black and she will hate you all the more for it. Don't beat yourself up about having done that, but try to learn from it and try to stop contacting her.

You should never get back with her, but if you want her to pine for you, contacting her yourself is a surefire way to never make it happen. Keep your distance. Hopefully it will make you grow enough and heal your wounds enough for when she makes contact in the future (could be years away), you won't want to engange anymore. Save yourself!

So true. I contacted my exBPD after 2 mos. And received vile insults.
Now more than 2 additional mos and thought about another email. Why?
More humiliated responses?
Her contacting my boss again?
Her contacting my ex wife again?
She won't contact me with any civil response or admit her part in the breakup.
Your insight allows me relief. Thank you.

[Lostinanother]

I just got off the phone with her and I could have a pretty decent convo.
She is happy now with the replacement and they sound the same as we were in the beginning.
She is happy and in a way, that is closure for me.
I have no choice but to really get on with my life now and we could finish it all with a decent conversation. We both agreed that we didn’t want anymore contact anymore because it just ends up hurting each other. I think we will stick to it now, as the bell has most definitely tolled on this whole relationship... .
now to love myself and do all the things I wanted to do.
I don’t have to worry about saving her anymore because someone else is doing it instead... .she even said she was going to start therapy because she doesn’t want to make the same mistakes she made with me.
good luck to him.
Good luck to her.
I just need to hold onto this feeling of closure that I have now and remain with this feeling of peace and acceptance