My son has nearly all of the BPD traits

[DanceRat]

Hi.  I am here because I'm just feeling lost.  I am a 53 year old professional and my 24 year old son lives with me and my husband and he's a beautiful person but we are both coming to the end of our rope.  I cannot get him to go to a therapist or a counselor and even though we have rules about drinking (because he cannot drink without binging or going into a dark place) he has been drinking lately.  He goes from highs to lows and goes from being angry to being elated.  I am looking for tools to help me deal with this, or figure out how to approach this to him with my husband.  I just found about borderline personality traits and everything clicked. It's just 100%.   How do people cope? How do they find out about this and what do people do when they have a person that will not go to therapy?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi DanceRat,

Welcome and hello 

It sounds like your son is drinking to self-medicate, maybe for his anxiety?

Has he been able to hold a job?

Do you think your husband will be on board with the diagnosis?

[Huat]

Hello DanceRat and welcome.

Like me, I'll bet you never, in your wildest dreams, ever thought this would be the future you would be sharing with your child.  My 51-yr-old daughter has never been officially diagnosed as having BPD but my head will nod so often when I read up on the disorder.

You ask... ."what do people do when they have a person who will not go to therapy?"  Well, that is not stopping you and your husband from going on your own.   It helps so much to have a "sounding board"... .someone who is trained to listen, validate your feelings, then walk with you as you start to make changes.  Bottom line, it is you who will have to make the changes.  Your son is quite comfortable with the dynamics staying the way they are.

If you have spent time reading through the different posts on this forum, you will have seen the reoccurring advice... ."learn to look after yourself."  To the right  there is so much information to get you on your way towards healing.  Remember, though, "healing" will not be a  destination... .it is a journey... .a work-in-progress that is so rewarding.

So, DanceRat, you can see you are not alone.  So many of us understood when you wrote... ."I'm just feeling lost."  That can change and I hope you will keep sharing with us.  We bolster each other as we learn to face, then deal with, whatever comes our way.  I wish your family well!

[DanceRat]

Thank you for your replying and support; I am going to try and make my way through all these threads.  I don't think my husband actually understands the behind the scenes of where my son got to where he is, but I plan on having a conversation with him soon.  I hope he will be on board, it's difficult in some ways because he is the stepfather, not the natural father.  But he is a good man and thoughtful and intelligent, so I will try.  We are going to a counselor now about this, and I can't get my son to therapy, but you are correct, we can go.  I will bring this up to our therapist the next time we go, on November 8th.  Wish me luck.  In the meantime I will try and share some of these tools and thoughts with my husband.  We can lay down boundaries with love, with the alcohol.  Yes, I am sure he is self medicating with alcohol, he drinks alone and he buys the cheapest alcohol he can, this really horrible malt liquor stuff.  We have to keep our alcohol locked up so that he doesn't drink it.  He talks about suicide and he goes into the deepest places he can. He really needs someone to talk to but he just won't go to any therapy.

[livednlearned]

It's ok, too, to take some time and get a sense of where you're going 

Setting boundaries with an addict, who lives with you, who is your child, who has (potentially more than one) mental illness, who may be suicidal, is tough.

Building up emotional strength and having a compass can help you make the best of a tough situation.

I sometimes feel this crushing sense of immediacy when things feel stuck, so I may be projecting my own issues onto you. 

Either way, be gentle with yourself as you learn new ways of being.