Pain

[braveheart1975]

Hi everyone!

I don't know where to begin. English is not my native language so excuse me for grammar mistakes.
I was in a 1 year relationship with a girl I suspect she has a BPD.
We met online and when chatting she said to me her biggest fear is to be abandoned and that she is a control freak and that she seeks security in a relationship. Though I was skeptical due to her issues, we pursued relationship.
After a month the first episode appeared. She was all in tears and crying how she feels I will cheat on her. I had no idea what the hell was going on.
During 1 year relationship I was accused:
-   Cheating on her
-   Being gay
-   Having her only for sex
No matter what I did, I was always the bad guy. Ok, I admit, sometimes she said I was the best thing happening to her. To express my intentions I even bought us a flat, which costed me over 100.000 dollars. But that wasn’t enough as she said I bought it for myself.
In august she started to pressure me with a child as she is already 39. In the beginning, she was saying she doesn’t want a child. As I already knew there wasn’t something ok with her, I said no. We broke up, she was devastated, but within a month she was already in a new relationship. She is now happier than ever. How can she moved on so fast? I’m here empty and devastated.
We still have contacts and sometimes she says she still loves me, sometimes she accuses me of being a bad person.
She want to get pregnant so I assume within a year she will have a child with a guy she only knows for month and a half. How is this possible?
And another thing. Everyone that meets her thinks she is the nicest person. How can she pretend so good?
Did I react properly when leaving her or should I tried harder?

Braveheart

[ateu]

I understand everything you are going through, I am just recently out of a 3 year relationship myself.

I am asking myself the same questions, but I guess it all came down to "is this the life that I want"? I guess we get so used to the chaos that we feel like life is empty without it.

At the same time I do not miss the worry, that I never knew how he would react to something. Everything could be fine, then he could get angry because of something I did, and burst out of a restaurant leaving me to pay, for example.

That was standard procedure.

I was also replaced within week, it's been a month now and they talk about getting a dog together.

He still messages me he loves me.

I think we will just get more and more emotionally unstable ourselves if we are staying. I have changed during these years, I don't even know you know what is normal and what is not in a relationship.

I have also noticed I don't share what he does and how he reacts with people since somewhere inside, I know he is not treating me right.

After we broke up I have opened up to some friends and they are truely shocked what I put up with. I guess I am too.

Time will heal us, I hope. But we have a lot of soulsearching to do.

I wish you all the best.

[ateu]

By the way, my ex also wanted a child with me. But just like you I feel this is not a person I could share that kind of responsability with.

He begged me for a child just nights before we broke up. Now he is also happily living with someone else. I am grieving.

I just think this says it all, we very never on the same page.

He always asked me for things. I have payed his living costs for over a year. But whenever I buy something for him, it's never enough. I payed everything on our vacation. Still he walked around begging me for more: "can I have those shirts, if you love me you would buy me this etc."

I buy him a phone, his comment is "I thought you would get me a better one".

All while he invites the cleaning lady and flirts with her in front of me.

I do love him, but he is stepping on me.

I guess we need to really set firmer boundaries and stand up for ourselves not to fall for this type of people.

It's only natural you are grieving, shows that your emotions were real and deep. Theirs? I guess we will never know.

Take care of yourself.

[lovenature]

Welcome braveheart

PWBPD move on so quickly because they literally make up their own reality based on their emotion of the moment: feelings=facts. They mirror people to gain a sense of self, this is why they are typically so friendly and charming, they appear happy while struggling with inner shame that their disorder prevents them from ever feeling through psychological defences.
The saddest part of the disorder is the closer you get, the more you are pushed away-the exact opposite of normal human behaviour.

You are doing the best for yourself and your ex. by staying away, the keys to recovery are 100% no contact and learning about the disorder and your role in it.

Take care of yourself.