How come they don't care at all after it ended?

[ateu]

I can't wrap my head around this. I finally broke up with him about a month ago, after thinking about it for a long long time.

Our relationship was destructive, and I didn't have the heart to break up with him because I thought he would kill himself, well he often came with treaths about doing that. When I was swiping up blood from the bathroom floor in march this year I just thought "what kind of life is this?".

So now I saw he was in a better place, and I realised we must move on, both of us. And funny enough, he has no problem with that at all!

I am sitting here, after a month, thinking through everything that happened - even sometimes regretting I dumped him... .while he found (or already had found) a new girl after two weeks. Now they live together and are talking about getting a dog (the same race he and I always spoke about).

I just can't get my head around it. I send him sentimental messages and I want to process our breakup. How much I still miss him and how things turned out.

He just writes to me "Coome on! Why are you so pathetic?"

Suddenly I am nothing at all.

A month ago he wanted to marry me.

I am just lost.

I don't want him back, but it's all so confusing and hurtful that it feels like I am the only one who had this relationship. For him it was something else. I don't even know what.

[itgetsbetter94]

Been there. Same scenario.
Now that I'm out, I can only objectively acknowledge the shallowness of his feelings and his emotional instability. It's all telling, really. I know pwBPD hate to hear that, but in this case, I can only tell- he is his disorder. That's him.
Trust me, I'm telling you like a friend you never met- you're better out. You just have to let the time to do it's healing magic and the emotions to catch up with your rational mind. And it will happen, I promise. I thought it never will, but imagine what- it's happening.

The new girl will be getting the same treatment soon. She's being idealised now and is ignoring the red flags, but give it some time. He will inevitably self destruct and implode. And you'll be out, getting your life in order, standing tall and living your life pathology-free.

[Kelli Cornett]

Okay, well first off this is def BPD.

The reason it's this way is because they live in a survival mode.

They have relationships to fill a insurmountable void they have deep within themselves.


Until that is fixed ( if ever ) I would say every relationship is just emotionless entertainment center for them.


As sad as it is... .

[itgetsbetter94]

Until that is fixed ( if ever ) I would say every relationship is just emotionless entertainment center for them.

Saw movies come to my mind... .

[vanx]

I can relate. You mentioned about messaging him as part of processing the breakup. In this forum, I think a lot of us could tell you that we could not find closure with our partners, so we had to ourselves. It's not easy that way, and I think it does come as a shock, but you can do it.
I think you are probably on to something thinking that the two of you were not on the same page during the relationship, even if it seemed you were. One way of looking at this is yes, he moved on and you are grieving, but you are able to do something he may not be able to, process what happened, learn, and grow. You may feel alone in this because he is quickly moved on and putting you down, but you are not alone--a lot of us here were in a similar place. Be sure to spend some time with people close to you who value you. You will heal.

[CloseToFreedom]

After the big break up and the smaller break ups after various recycles the past few years I've had this every time. It doesn't matter if I break up or she did, she will always 'paint me black' (thats how we call it on this forum). This is a way to see me as all bad, which ensures that

a) she thinks its the right choice we are seperated, as I'm all bad
b) deflects any wrongdoings of her own

Its just how they handle it, it seems like one of the most consistent things with BPD, although if they are not quite done yet with you and you were the one breaking up theres also a chance that THEY will try to get back to you, especially if you don't want it. But I've always experienced the part you describe. I often had weak moments as well, trying to reconcile, or at least find closure, whatever. But all I got back were texts or emails filled with how I was crazy, a ass, but written out in much, much more detail. She also has to mention often that there are a lot of guys interested in her. No contact stops this crazy making conversations, its to grief with yourself and not let your ex make it worse.

Not that it stopped her from trying (and often succeeding) in recycling me a few months after the vile words, mind you. She kept coming back, not matter how much she told me a few months ago she hated my guts, and I fell for it often. It didn't matter, cause it was just a short time and she would go away again, of course blaming me for it once more.

[truthbeknown]

I play this song alot recently because I wonder what I would say if I really talked with her.  The song says it for me:

Sam Smith: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_ub7Etch2U

Too Good At Goodbyes... .

This might well be the Non's theme song for borderline personality break-ups!

[ateu]

Thanks for all the replies and I could really relate to that song too !

I do get what you are saying, he will just repeat same story over and over. And I think he always has.

He says he never has been single 

I also met him while he was in another relationship 

But of course, he told me that was not a serious relationship, because if it was he would never date me, and he would never do that to me 

Fast forward and he has done that to me several times. I don't know how many because the once I know I found out while reading his fb. There he was writing exactly same thing to another girl as he was to me. The first time it was shocking and I guess it still is.

Then he said I was heartless because I didn't want to get engaged with him or have kids with him until he proved to me he cleared up his act.

And now... I finall broke up, sitting home crying over him. And he? I can only guess but he is probably soon out in a bar flirting with other girls than his new girlfriend.

Still, I do love him in some way. He was very special. But I guess they all are, aren't they.

And we are left forever to wonder what was going on in their hearts and minds.

[ateu]

He told me that he loved me within a month after meeting me. 

He wanted to move in with me after two months 

He said I was his soulmate very quickly 

Sure, he had 1238 women before, but I was the one 

He flirted openly with every woman he met, like waitresses or whatever... .in front of me 

He was abused sexually as a child, he told me first night I met him 

He had anger bursts, could smash the door in our apartment 

He left a big butcher knife in the bathroom as a treath to me that he would cut himself 

When he got mad he could say "there is no reason I should not smash this whole apartment" 

He cut himself in the bathroom, and I was left to dry up the blood 

Still, I was the love of his life. I was so special and we should marry, have kids and a dog and he would do everything for me. Never cheat on me like he did on other ex's. 

[ateu]

I just remember now. His ex girlfriend, who he was with when he met me sent him a message after he moved in with me very quickly.

He lauged it off and read to me: "Now I am reading a lot about your diagnosis and I am starting more and more to understand why you behaved the way you did. "

He just laughed and said "she is just too jealous".

And three years later... .I am sitting and reading a lot about his diagnosis. And I am "just too jealous".

[ateu]

I don't know what you all say, but I feel is like I am finally seeing what was going on.

All this little nicknames we had for each other - well he probably had same with others... .
All this intimate discussions we had - well he probably had same with others... .
All this things that were so unique for just the two of us - well he probably had it with others... .

I feel that everything about us... .was just a lie... .just a misunderstanding... .I was just tricked.

And now he doesn't even get why I am upset over it.


It's really heartbreaking.

[ateu]

I talked to him again and I asked him straight up if he was seeing someone new (didnt mention that I'd already seen who he is planning to move in with on social media).

He denied it "not that I can remember" (is that a way for him to make himself believe it's not a lie?). I didnt confront him with what I knew because I don't want him to know I stalked his social media.

So he lied to me once again straight to my face, when he had so elegantly declared that out of respect for me I should be the first one to know when he has met someone new.

Then he said he has a lot going on right now and asked me if he could come and stay with me for a while. He says he still loves me but he can't force me to stay with him. What just happened? He found a new girl whitin like a week and told me I was pathetic for grieving, and now he loves me and wants to come to me?

It also seemed like suddenly he realised what he has put me through and he apologized and said he will make it up to me. However, he still can not understand why I can't get over his cheating.

So we were playing this farce, he did tell me about his new "friend". He talked about her a lot, "as a friend he really appreciates". And I just looked at him and couldnt believe what I heard.

Does he talk about her as a friend, so that I shouldnt be suspicious or what? Doesnt he realise that I know him better than that?

Seems like now he wants to get back with me but if that fails he has a backup plan with this poor girl who I am sure he doesn't tell that he is still sending me text about how he loves me and wants to stay with me.

Is this standard procedure in break-ups or what is going on?

Seems like he needs different things from us and if he could I am sure he would like to keep us both... .

In some way I guess it was good for me seeing him lying to my face once again. It will never change, who am I kidding for hoping... .

[unicorn2014]

I can't wrap my head around this. I finally broke up with him about a month ago, after thinking about it for a long long time.

Our relationship was destructive, and I didn't have the heart to break up with him because I thought he would kill himself, well he often came with treaths about doing that. When I was swiping up blood from the bathroom floor in march this year I just thought "what kind of life is this?".

So now I saw he was in a better place, and I realised we must move on, both of us. And funny enough, he has no problem with that at all!

I am sitting here, after a month, thinking through everything that happened - even sometimes regretting I dumped him... .while he found (or already had found) a new girl after two weeks. Now they live together and are talking about getting a dog (the same race he and I always spoke about).

I just can't get my head around it. I send him sentimental messages and I want to process our breakup. How much I still miss him and how things turned out.

He just writes to me "Coome on! Why are you so pathetic?"

Suddenly I am nothing at all.

A month ago he wanted to marry me.

I am just lost.

I don't want him back, but it's all so confusing and hurtful that it feels like I am the only one who had this relationship. For him it was something else. I don't even know what.

I am sorry you are going through that.
I was married to a personality disordered man and rather then process the divorce he moved in with another woman, so I know what you are going through.
I'm dealing with my second breakup with a personality disordered man and I too went through a  suicide attempt with him, albeit long distance. He's acting suicidal again but to be honest I don't care. I should've walked away the first time, but I didn't know any better back then.
I think I read something on here that said they are incapable of a relationship. THat's about the best explanation I can give you of why they don't care. They don't care because they can't care, they were never really there to begin with.

[truthbeknown]

ate:

I was mutual friends with one of my ex's friends.  In fact she was the one who introduced me to my ex.

Before we had met, my ex was approached and hit on by this guy and rather then go out with him, she set him up with this mutual friend.   The mutual friend is and has gone through what you are going through.  She is struggling because she is addicted to her former lover but he still wants to be friends with her.  In the beginning he denied seeing someone else and then asked my friend to stay over one night.  The new girlfriend called his cell phone while they were asleep and my friend answered it. Anyway this went on and on  back and forth (and might still be) because my friend (who I don't talk to anymore because she became a flying monkey for my ex) was addicted to him and couldn't give him up.  I'm just trying to say they will (some of these personality disordered ones) lie to you, distort etc to get what they want.  And also, they can't be alone.   That is the big lesson i've learned from PD people.  many of them need to have someone there all the time to validate their existence. 

I think he'll continue to want to be your friend because he can't get that from the new one? he misses your friendship but needs to prove that he is attractive to other women.   It's an addiction of sorts.  Rather then drugs or alcohol it's to controlling people or "having" people. 

[spacecadet]

Until that is fixed ( if ever ) I would say every relationship is just emotionless entertainment center for them.

Wow.

It felt like there were very intense emotions at the time it was "on," but with this vantage point, looking back, I feel residual emotions that echo what I felt at the time, plus sadness now that it's done... .while he feels... .God knows what.

Now it does seem at times as you said, entertainment. My heart is his football.

[ateu]

I am sorry you are going through that.
I was married to a personality disordered man and rather then process the divorce he moved in with another woman, so I know what you are going through.
I'm dealing with my second breakup with a personality disordered man and I too went through a  suicide attempt with him, albeit long distance. He's acting suicidal again but to be honest I don't care. I should've walked away the first time, but I didn't know any better back then.

Thank you Unicorn2014on, I am sorry to hear you are going through something similar.

It must be really hard with the suicide attempts, I have feared for that myself. Sounds like you are strong now and decided to walk away even though you fear for his self destructive actions. I know that feeling, and if my ex had not been suicidal for this last year I am sure I would have left earlier too.

I guess I should remember the bad times, whenever I am thinking I was wrong to let go. Hope that you can find some peace in your life now that you have left him, and that this will be the path to a better life.

Thank you for writing your story

[ateu]

I'm just trying to say they will (some of these personality disordered ones) lie to you, distort etc to get what they want.  And also, they can't be alone.   That is the big lesson i've learned from PD people.  many of them need to have someone there all the time to validate their existence. 

I think he'll continue to want to be your friend because he can't get that from the new one? he misses your friendship but needs to prove that he is attractive to other women.   It's an addiction of sorts.  Rather then drugs or alcohol it's to controlling people or "having" people. 

Thank you for writing to me!

I do think you are right, he does still wants things for me, and wants to be sure I will still be there  before he tells me he is in another relationship. He did say things like "We will still be friends even if I get a new girlfriend, right?". Then he started talking about having sex etc... .Just not to let me totally go, I guess.

It is just so utterly disgusting how someone claims to love me and then flashes one obvious lie after another right in my face. All of it is so flamboyantly indiscret. Seems like he doesn't think I notice how he disappears from the radar every weekend (when he is with her), and then on weekdays the messages start arriving in my phone... .the "I love you's", the flattery, the compliments, the nostalgia... .

It's funny though how he speaks about his "friend" with me, just as if I didn't know. All smoke and mirrors. He told me she had said to him that he was "a bit manipulative". A bit? She has no idea what she signed up for. I am still very much struggling to accept the break-up, but I am trying to realise that my life would be centered around him, I would have to devote myself to him all while not being able to trust a word he said.

Thank you for your message!

[truthbeknown]

ate:

Yes that is just like my friends relationship with her ex.  He goes out on dates and then when his new gf is not around he wants to spend time with her.  She has an issue with cutting him off.  Are you having the same challenge? Do you like the friend aspect of the relationship? or parts of it I should say?

Also I think there is a component of Narcissism involved with the keeping you in the loop or as a backup source but there are blurry lines between Npd and BPD (from my experience).   I think some of them like having us as the "parent" figure in their lives.  Many times they didn't get something they wanted from one or both of their parents and then we become the "benevolent parent".   The problem with that is we don't get our needs met and as we got switched from lover to parent it feels icky to us but safe for them. I don't think they want to lose us as the "benevolent parent" but they probably having a conflict with having sex with a "parent figure". 

This came to me recently in a dream and it makes total sense now. 

[unicorn2014]

I guess I should remember the bad times, whenever I am thinking I was wrong to let go. Hope that you can find some peace in your life now that you have left him, and that this will be the path to a better life.

Thank you for writing your story

Hi ate
Sorry I can't get the umlaut. Unfortunately he was just one impediment to peace. I have a bipolar disordered daughter who won't acknowledge her disorder, as well as a dysfunctional family which I've had to distance myself from and some fairly challenging personalities at work.

My last therapist thought he was the impediment to my peace too, but my lack of peace goes much deeper then him. He was the only the most visible disturbance.

[ateu]

Many times they didn't get something they wanted from one or both of their parents and then we become the "benevolent parent".   The problem with that is we don't get our needs met and as we got switched from lover to parent it feels icky to us but safe for them. I don't think they want to lose us as the "benevolent parent" but they probably having a conflict with having sex with a "parent figure".

I think I already was the parent figure in his life, there he doesn't have his own. I already cooked for him, payed his bills, took him to vacation, stayed with him and sorted out his mess, no matter how unresponsible he had acted. So yes, makes sense he doesn't want to let me go. I was parent, lover, best friend, therapist, drinking buddy... .but there were no space for me in the relationship.

He used to say things like: "Will you promise to take care of me forever?", "Can you promise me you will never through me out". I was freaking out because to me it sounds like he wants a mother figure in his life... .sometimes he felt like an adoptive child more than a partner. I guess that's why it took so long for me to break up with him - it felt like I abandon someone who can't take care of himself.

And voilà, in matter of weeks (or days, what do I know), he hooked someone else who might be a canididate...

I don't know how many times I've said to him " i am not your mother, you are responsible for your own life". But I still played the part, so that is my bad.

As far as friendship goes, i would like to stay friends with him. I am just afraid he will continue to try to get me to sort out his never ending problems and not even get the good things from a relationship - an even worser deal for me. Part of me is also so used to being needed by him that it is unhealthy!

Thanks a lot for your input, I have a lot of things to contemplate!

[ateu]

Hi ate
Sorry I can't get the umlaut. Unfortunately he was just one impediment to peace. I have a bipolar disordered daughter who won't acknowledge her disorder, as well as a dysfunctional family which I've had to distance myself from and some fairly challenging personalities at work.

My last therapist thought he was the impediment to my peace too, but my lack of peace goes much deeper then him. He was the only the most visible disturbance.

I am sorry to hear you are having so much hardship in your life, it must be exhausting.

Distancing yourself from the influence from your dysfunctional family and your ex seems like good steps to take though.

I wish you all the best with moving forward, hopefully your daughter will come to he senses and join your path!

[unicorn2014]

I am sorry to hear you are having so much hardship in your life, it must be exhausting.

Distancing yourself from the influence from your dysfunctional family and your ex seems like good steps to take though.

I wish you all the best with moving forward, hopefully your daughter will come to he senses and join your path!

I have two exes, my daughter is not out of her mind, she is struggling with a powerful mood disorder. She actually is the only person who stood up to my ex borderline, because that's her stepfather. I actually have a lot of compassion for my daughter. Her father, my ex husband, is the one who gave her the bipolar disorder and he is the one who modeled denial for her. I love my daughter very much and am very grateful for her. She and I are two warriors in this life together.  She is very wise for her age, and very  mature.

[truthbeknown]

I think I already was the parent figure in his life, there he doesn't have his own. I already cooked for him, payed his bills, took him to vacation, stayed with him and sorted out his mess, no matter how unresponsible he had acted. So yes, makes sense he doesn't want to let me go. I was parent, lover, best friend, therapist, drinking buddy... .but there were no space for me in the relationship.

He used to say things like: "Will you promise to take care of me forever?", "Can you promise me you will never through me out". I was freaking out because to me it sounds like he wants a mother figure in his life... .sometimes he felt like an adoptive child more than a partner. I guess that's why it took so long for me to break up with him - it felt like I abandon someone who can't take care of himself.

And voilà, in matter of weeks (or days, what do I know), he hooked someone else who might be a canididate...

I don't know how many times I've said to him " i am not your mother, you are responsible for your own life". But I still played the part, so that is my bad.

As far as friendship goes, i would like to stay friends with him. I am just afraid he will continue to try to get me to sort out his never ending problems and not even get the good things from a relationship - an even worser deal for me. Part of me is also so used to being needed by him that it is unhealthy!

you are braver then I am! I would like to stay friends but I don't think i can handle hearing about her going out with other men or worse knowing that she is sleeping with them.  I guess i'm insecure in that way- It really hurts to think about that because I loved our physical connection.
  Maybe it's a case of getting addicted to what was originally given and now taken away.  If I don't see her then maybe it will be easier to get over her.

Thanks a lot for your input, I have a lot of things to contemplate!

[Justbecause]

First I send you my support, I split with mine feeling responsible for all  her unhappiness and she moved on in weeks, then did some terrible stuff to me. She was engaged in two months, married 8 months later. She was sleeping with me while she was engaged. She used her new diagnosis of PTSD to claim she was struggling with therapy alone when she was really with him. She cost me my job with false accusations, she has made out I wouldn't let her go, that I'm a crazy ex. I'm an abused ex that wanted closure,  there is a difference!

No remorse, no sorry no closure. She just stopped lying to me once I found out about him and stopped talking to me at all.

Why? I have two explanations, one is sympathetic and the other is not. They really demonstrate the mixed feelings they leave you with and I can't tell you which is correct.

1. Shame. They know what they did and accepting it means they open up a can of worms inside them they don't think they can survive. To PTSD/BPD people shame is overwhelming. A new relationship they celebrate is a proportional representation of the shame they feel and the need to blame you for what happend. You left and they hated you for it, but they know you did the right thing. The happier they claim to be the worse they feel.

2. A totally psychotic lack of empathy due to their own lack of self and the perception of people as nothing more than a completion of themselves, like a new pair of shoes. They are  #@&! with a face, a manipulative a projecting monster that for whatever reason ( you leaving) made it their desire to destroy you.

Control seems to be the main issue for these people. A healthy relationship does not really contain it, and without it they feel insecure. If that insecurity pushed you away then you had control and that was hell for them. Control, for whatever reason, is abuse.

[ateu]

No remorse, no sorry no closure. She just stopped lying to me once I found out about him and stopped talking to me at all.

Why? I have two explanations, one is sympathetic and the other is not. They really demonstrate the mixed feelings they leave you with and I can't tell you which is correct.

1. Shame. They know what they did and accepting it means they open up a can of worms inside them they don't think they can survive. To PTSD/BPD people shame is overwhelming. A new relationship they celebrate is a proportional representation of the shame they feel and the need to blame you for what happend. You left and they hated you for it, but they know you did the right thing. The happier they claim to be the worse they feel.

2. A totally psychotic lack of empathy due to their own lack of self and the perception of people as nothing more than a completion of themselves, like a new pair of shoes. They are  #@&! with a face, a manipulative a projecting monster that for whatever reason ( you leaving) made it their desire to destroy you.

Control seems to be the main issue for these people. A healthy relationship does not really contain it, and without it they feel insecure. If that insecurity pushed you away then you had control and that was hell for them. Control, for whatever reason, is abuse.

Justbecause:

It must have been hard for you to see her get engaged and married so quick, I understand completely. Even if we are the once who feel "forced" to break it off for our own sanity, they are the one's just getting on with life as if nothing happened.

My ex is also talking sex with me, and says "if I need love of sex, his door is always open". That is really weird considering his new girl flashes them on fb like they are madly in love... .But am I surprised? Not really, not anymore.

Considering your two explanations for why they behave like they do, I think I am leaning towards nr 2 right now. Before I shut my fb down I was stalking them a bit, and I saw what she wrote about him.

I found out the little quirky things he used to do as to be romantic (that I thought only we had together) is now happening with her, and she is writing about in on fb. He used to text me from the bathroom (like "I never met someone I don't even want to be away from to use the bathroom, I love you so much". Well, these things he did with her after like two or three weeks.

There were also things he would ask me to put on my fb, because he wanted to present a certain image of himself. I never did it, because I didn't want him to tell me what I should write there. But I can see she did write it just like he wanted... .almost word by word what he had asked me to do.

So for me, it just seems he wanted a certain validation, certain emotions shown to him, he wants to adore and wants to be adored. He wants somebody who is there with him an mirrors the image he has of himself.

If it's me or her, doesn't really seem to make that much of a difference to him. I can see that now. What I thought was unique for us has now just been switched to her.

And then there will be another... .and another... .and another.

How are you holding up now? Are you maintaing no contact?

Thank you for your support, it means to me!

[Justbecause]

Justbecause:

It must have been hard for you to see her get engaged and married so quick, I understand completely... .

... .He wants somebody who is there with him an mirrors the image he has of himself.

She blocked me on FB to hide him. Everything I know came from friends or people seeing her FB.

I flip between disgust and anger and sadness and guilt. She only got married the last few weeks and that has had a weird effect but again it's two edged. One second I'm laughing at how foolish and desperate this act is, how immature and sure to fail it is. But, then I'm devastated.

Your comment on someone who mirrors them is brilliant. That's a relationship that will make them happy, and I think it's fair to say in my case her new partner is as insecure and desperate as she is to be married. Both know she was sleeping with me during their engagement, though how she explained this I'll ever know.

Question is what happens to that relationship? Is it doomed to be horrific, or is it the happy ever after they both want? I don't want to sound bitter,but I genuinely think the latter is unlikely.

It does get easier, but it's slow. I messaged her last month saying I was sorry for anything I did, that I hoped she was happy with her new guy, and that I hoped one day we could be friends. I wish use never ever contacted her after I found out about him.

Chin up

[ateu]

I flip between disgust and anger and sadness and guilt. She only got married the last few weeks and that has had a weird effect but again it's two edged. One second I'm laughing at how foolish and desperate this act is, how immature and sure to fail it is. But, then I'm devastated.

That quote describes my feelings very well. I am angry and disgusted, yes. But I am also ruminating my own wrong doings. I have done more things I am ashamed of in this relationship than in any other, I felt like he swept me in the madness and I reacted accordingly. I am also in some way feeling sad and guilty that I left him.

It feels like if I didn't left him and said all those cruel words, things could have been different. Even though I know it wouldn't work out in the long run. But yes, devastated is a good word for it.

I find it very hard to believe your ex will have a "happily ever after" marriage. I don't think they are wired like that. As soon as there will be some kind of trouble with her husband, she will sure be out checking the waters.

For example I forgave my ex for cheating on me. In some way he twisted it around as it was my fault. I was away for work around 13 to 14 hours a day (to support him and me, btw, as he was unemployed as always). So I wasn't there for him enough. I was angry and tired after work because he ate all the food and didn't cook anything ever. I was tired and sad after work because he always wanted us to go out drinking until 2 a.m. when I had to get up by 6. I was hangover almost every day. I didn't have time to come watch him train boxing, that was really bad of me. I didn't give him enough money to spend during the days when I was working.

So you see? I wasn't there for him enough. I wasn't giving he the love and attention he craved. I didn't want sex often enough, I was too depressed and tired too often.

So it was only natural he had an affair then since I was neglecting him so enourmously. He shouldn't have to do anything to relieve me from my stress, that is too much to ask - he could just find another!

And this will surely happen to your ex in her new relationship also. They don't have their feet on the ground, so they will continue to take the easy way out - which is often to find another partner.

Do you regret sleeping with your ex while you were engaged? I think I would regret it, even though I can see it happening because we had such a great physical connection (maybe they have that with everybody... .).

My ex didn't post anything of his new girl on his fb. But he seems to be stupid enough not to realise that the comments he writes on his new girl's open profie will show up in my feed. Jeeeez, and then he still tries to pull the "no, I have no one".

I guess immature is the key word to most of the drama in their lives, they just don't see it themselves.

Thanks for sharing your story

[Justbecause]

Do you regret sleeping with your ex while you were engaged? I think I would regret it, even though I can see it happening because we had such a great physical connection (maybe they have that with everybody... .).

I wasn't engaged, she was engaged to the guy she replaced me with. I didn't know this had happened, I found out several months later, after I had asked him to confirm their relationship.

If I had known she had got engaged I would not have given her a second chance, if I had found out during I'd have told him what was going on. I was completely controlled and manipulated.

How she explained this to him and still managed to convince him to marry her only 4 months later turns my stomach,because I know she will have claimed I made her do it.

I regret ever trusting her, but the process of healing and self analysis has been positive. Why did I make this mistake? Why did I trust her when I felt she was lying? How did I end up in this mess? Under stress we all exhibit BPD traits, especially in relationships. I now concern myself with how to never ever make these mistakes again.

That Sam Smith song is perfect for the place you should be but it annoys me I'll always carry something for her,she does not deserve it

[ateu]

How she explained this to him and still managed to convince him to marry her only 4 months later turns my stomach,because I know she will have claimed I made her do it.

I regret ever trusting her, but the process of healing and self analysis has been positive. Why did I make this mistake? Why did I trust her when I felt she was lying? How did I end up in this mess? Under stress we all exhibit BPD traits, especially in relationships. I now concern myself with how to never ever make these mistakes again.

I am also wondering what is being said about me as we speak. I am sure it's pretty awful things. All while he is still trying to keep me on the side while pursuing his new girl.

Just like you I am trying to find answers as to why I let him get away with the things I did. Normally I would never let anyone treat me like he did, but yet here we are.

I had a guy that showed similar traits before my exBPD so I really do think I have to be careful in the future not to fall for the same type. It's probably something in me that makes me vunerable to those predators.

Did you see a psychiatrist? I am considering it.

[truthbeknown]

I am also wondering what is being said about me as we speak. I am sure it's pretty awful things. All while he is still trying to keep me on the side while pursuing his new girl.

Just like you I am trying to find answers as to why I let him get away with the things I did. Normally I would never let anyone treat me like he did, but yet here we are.

I had a guy that showed similar traits before my exBPD so I really do think I have to be careful in the future not to fall for the same type. It's probably something in me that makes me vunerable to those predators.

Did you see a psychiatrist? I am considering it.

atE:  I have been talking to a therapist the last month but i'm not sure it is helping.  In fact yesterday, she said, "my name- you have a tendency to be attracted to these BPD types.   what do you think the reason for that is?"  I basically feel like all i'm doing is telling her what i already know.  I don't see how that is going to help me?   I'm thinking about looking into hypnosis instead because it's something in my subconscious about being used to this drama because i grew up with it.   Also, because my parents were non empathetic, I compensated by being overly empathetic. 

In reading the last few exchanges between you and Justbecause, I am going through the same gulit/anger roller-coaster.  Although in some strange way, I"m angry at myself more then her because I think I should have read the signs better.   When I look back at our last week together for example.  I let me boundaries come down I think because I gave up on the idea that we would be able to have a "normal" relationship.  So I allowed myself to have sex with her thinking that it would "help" or "repair" the relationship.  Instead, she used this to prove (to herself) that I was a sex addict- in her mind i believe she thinks, "why else would he sleep with me after i treated him so badly?"

I'm feeling guilty for not responding to her last message to me.  The therapist says that is my projection though.  She said, that she is probably not even feeling bad or sad about the relationship ending like i am and yet i'm the one feeeling like I abandoned her.  She said, that my ex clearly abandoned me but that by taking responsibility for it - it helps me avoid dealing with the pain of being abandoned.  I thought about that (that was the one part of the session that did help me).  I think she was right about that.  I wonder if you guys have noticed that too?  As i did a mental survey and looked back.  Whenever she hurt me, it was easier for me to take responsibility for it then deal with the pain that she was disordered.   To NOT take responsibility for some part of why we're not talking I would have to deal with the pain of being abandoned by someone who I thought loved me. 

And while I don't know if I was cheated on, the last week I saw her she had contacted an old boyfriend and invited him over to her house.   Rather then deal with that pain and walk away then, I spent the rest of the week with her and slept with her.  The sex was the worst we ever had had and I think that it was because it didn't feel loving or intimate- it felt like "ex sex" just for some high.   I wish everyday that I had not let myself get seduced by her.  I realize now that was some sick way she used to hurt/control me, (ie. i'll give him sex and then tell him i don't want to be committed).    She warned me because she kept tellling me, "i don't want to hurt you (my name)" but in retro spect because i didn't listen to the warning I hurt myself. 

I do have a track record now with these types of relationships and what's crazy is that I feel as bad as someone who might pay to have sex because it just feels icky and yet I saw a movie once where one of the actors said, "why would anybody pay for sex?"  and the other actor said, "honey, they don't pay for sex.  They pay to not have to bring her or any drama home."    I thought that was fascinating line considering all the drama I have had trying to have a "normal" relationship.   I'm not saying that i want to go the other way. In fact, it just sucks that despite trying to have normal relationships I feel like these partners could have been getting paid for what they do if you know what i mean!  At least if my ex was a paid professional I wouldn't feel like i was abused by someone pretending to love me but really embodying the persona of someone who is dissociated with sex like a professional.  Does this make any sense?