How do I save this? Is it possible?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I met this girl 2 years ago. Things got really intense really quick. We actually got engaged about 6-7 months in. We had a few bumps in the road but overall everything was great. About a year in things took a turn. She was becoming distant, irritable and extremely aggressive. I thought it was something I did but now after doing a little bit of research I'm realizing that might not be entirely the case. We broke up right around our first anniversary for a short period of time. It was only about a week or two then things got better but I always felt like I was walking on egg shells around her. Always having to watch what I say but more so how I go about saying it.

But I would always fall on the cliche "happy wife, happy life" but seeing her happy makes me happy so I would bite my tongue a lot. Even if it meant compromising my own wants or needs. Now about a month and a half ago she broke up with me again because I asked for money that I had loaned her which ended up getting spun on how I don't have money but I argued that I always had money for rent and bills but that went unheard. Now I've moved out and am living with my aunt.

We still hangout on the weekends like everything is fine and she says she loves me and how she just needs time. Sometimes she tells me we're back together only to come to the realization that it was just the weekend her talking and when the work week started it's "no we're not back together" this past weekend we went to her moms for thanksgiving. Saturday night we went out with her friends from home (who I genuinely enjoy)but I felt invisible all night. Later on I went out for a smoke and I see her kissing one of her guy friends. I lost it we got in a blowout fight. Unfortunately I didn't hold any punches this time. I told her I was done. I'm hurting so much right now and not sure how to handle this. I want to spend the rest of life with her but I don't want to hurt myself if thing won't get better.

When we woke up she wanted me to act like nothing happened and wanted me to stay in bed with her. She said "babe let me make you breakfast" I just wanted to leave but I couldn't resist her smile. So I stayed for breakfast and drove her to pick up her car after. I tried talking about the previous night and though we aren't together that was really hurtful. She explained that she wants me back but that she wants to hookup with other people first. I told her that i wasn't okay with that if we're working on getting back together. She got irritated and said that it's over then. I left and we didn't talk until later that night.

She sent me a long heartfelt apology in which she explained her condition and that she wanted to get help which is awesome. She also sent me a link so I could educate myself more on this disorder. The next morning even though I'm still mad at her I looked around for psychiatrists close by and sent her a few. She has been sending me a lot of info on BPD which I really do appreciate but I'm still hurting and not sure what to do. I know I need to work on myself but am I able to still be part of her support system? Do we still have a chance? Someone please give me some advice on what I can do.

[Hardtimes316]

I met this girl 2 years ago. Things got really intense really quick. We actually got engaged about 6-7 months in. We had a few bumps in the road but overall everything was great. About a year in things took a turn. She was becoming distant, irritable and extremely aggressive. I thought it was something I did but now after doing a little bit of research I'm realizing that might not be entirely the case. We broke up right around our first anniversary for a short period of time. It was only about a week or two then things got better but I always felt like I was walking on egg shells around her. Always having to watch what I say but more so how I go about saying it.

But I would always fall on the cliche "happy wife, happy life" but seeing her happy makes me happy so I would bite my tongue a lot. Even if it meant compromising my own wants or needs. Now about a month and a half ago she broke up with me again because I asked for money that I had loaned her which ended up getting spun on how I don't have money but I argued that I always had money for rent and bills but that went unheard. Now I've moved out and am living with my aunt.

We still hangout on the weekends like everything is fine and she says she loves me and how she just needs time. Sometimes she tells me we're back together only to come to the realization that it was just the weekend her talking and when the work week started it's "no we're not back together" this past weekend we went to her moms for thanksgiving. Saturday night we went out with her friends from home (who I genuinely enjoy)but I felt invisible all night. Later on I went out for a smoke and I see her kissing one of her guy friends. I lost it we got in a blowout fight. Unfortunately I didn't hold any punches this time. I told her I was done. I'm hurting so much right now and not sure how to handle this. I want to spend the rest of life with her but I don't want to hurt myself if thing won't get better.

When we woke up she wanted me to act like nothing happened and wanted me to stay in bed with her. She said "babe let me make you breakfast" I just wanted to leave but I couldn't resist her smile. So I stayed for breakfast and drove her to pick up her car after. I tried talking about the previous night and though we aren't together that was really hurtful. She explained that she wants me back but that she wants to hookup with other people first. I told her that i wasn't okay with that if we're working on getting back together. She got irritated and said that it's over then. I left and we didn't talk until later that night.

She sent me a long heartfelt apology in which she explained her condition and that she wanted to get help which is awesome. She also sent me a link so I could educate myself more on this disorder. The next morning even though I'm still mad at her I looked around for psychiatrists close by and sent her a few. She has been sending me a lot of info on BPD which I really do appreciate but I'm still hurting and not sure what to do. I know I need to work on myself but am I able to still be part of her support system? Do we still have a chance? Someone please give me some advice on what I can do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Hardtimes316,

My first thought is that this would be a good time for you to learn more about BPD yourself so you can see what you think. Be careful though because there is a lot of misinformation online about BPD and as it is a mental health issue it will look a bit different person to person. The real question, as you become more informed, is what are you up for at this time?  Have you seen the articles on the right about "the big picture" and "What does it take to make it?"

If you study the communication skills here you may be able to learn about how you can say things in a different way to her instead of biting your tongue because it won't work for your own health (or the relationship) if you are always stuffing away your own thoughts.

What do you think of the info. she has been sending you?

wishing you peace!

[Tattered Heart]

HI hardtimes,

I"m so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I think it's great that you let your W know that it is not ok for her to sleep with other people if she wants to work on things. Having BPD may contribute to her having a hard time with relationships, but it is not a full excuse. She needs to know how her choices affect you.

I think there is hope for you but it will take a lot of work. Have you thought about getting T for yourself too so you can work through whatever issues arise from being in a relationship with someone with BPD. It can help you with boundaires, asserting yourself, and general coping.

Do the therapists you found specialize in DBT therapy for personality disorders? What will you do if she decides to not go to T?

[Hardtimes316]

HI hardtimes,

I"m so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I think it's great that you let your W know that it is not ok for her to sleep with other people if she wants to work on things. Having BPD may contribute to her having a hard time with relationships, but it is not a full excuse. She needs to know how her choices affect you.

I think there is hope for you but it will take a lot of work. Have you thought about getting T for yourself too so you can work through whatever issues arise from being in a relationship with someone with BPD. It can help you with boundaires, asserting yourself, and general coping.

Do the therapists you found specialize in DBT therapy for personality disorders? What will you do if she decides to not go to T?

I'm definitely considering therapy for myself as well for all the reasons you've listed. If she doesn't decide to go I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe if I learn better ways to communicate it'll make a difference.