How to move on when all you do is worry about them

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello dear members of this forum,

I want to tell you the story of my relationship (that just ended for the 3rd time this friday), if that's okay with you. I'm warning you though, although I'll try to keep it short, it'll probably be quite a long read. You could also just read the Highlights and the Help part, the long story is mostly there so I could just get it off my chest I guess.

The highlights, why I think maybe he has BPD
- He has a history of on-off relationships which were quite abusive, his exes talk about him as being manipulative, saying he emotionally abused them. He hasn't been together with someone for longer than half a year, but has been in a relationship which in total lasted 3 years, with lots of on-off moments.
- He lost all his childhood friends
- He always talks about his 'bad trait', which is when he suddenly gets really angry and can't control himself anymore and says really hurtful things to people he loves. He realises he does this but he can't stop himself. He also realises this is what destroyed his past relationships and is what made people leave him. I think it worked so long between us because I just don't say hurtful things back. I just let him say what he wants to say and let the storm pass.
- He is very much a black-white thinker, he doesn't have very nuanced opinions. He also has quite a negative outlook on life and on people, he thinks there aren't a lot of nice people in the world.
- Our relationship started of really good, but after a few months he started to become quite controlling, having an opinion about everything I did in life and saying hurtful things to me. Becoming quite angry out of the blue and then being nice again a few hours later, apologizing and saying how much he loved me.
- The end of our relationship has been very rough, we broke up, got back together after two weeks, then broke up again after two weeks, then got back together after three weeks, then broke up again after three weeks. All reconciliations were initiated by him. In between break-up end reconcilation he said very hurtful things to me.
- In the last conversation I had with him (when we broke up again last week), he said that he was very unhappy, that he didn't know how to be happy anymore. That one day he felt good and the other day he felt really sad and angry. That he couldn't sleep anymore, that he lay awake all night thinking about how he should live his life better, about us and about his father (he doesn't have contact with him anymore, his father wasn't a very nice man and hurt him and his mother and sister very badly). That he felt like he could never finish anything, that always after sometime he couldn't be in a relationship anymore. That he didn't understand himself. I asked him if he shouldn't talk to someone about these feelings, but he said that wasn't for him.

The long story
My (now) ex and I first started dating November 2016, although we'd been talking on and off before that since about May that year. We became official a little under two months after our first date. He was my first boyfriend and the first person I was intimate with. The first six months of our relationship we're utter bliss. We made eachother very happy and felt very connected in every way, like we were made for eachother. We talked about future plans like we would stay together for a very long time.
Then, around summer time, things started to change a little bit. My boyfriend had already had the tendency to be very judgmental about the choices I made in life and the people I was hanging out with, but this started to get worse and worse. I never got mad at him though, because I'm just a person who never gets mad at anyone. I just let him say his nasty words and waited out his bad moods. While I was on holiday he said some very hurtful things to me, about how I was naive and never stood up for myself and how I made stupid decisions. He always apologized afterwards though, told me he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I always forgave him.
Then, at the end of summer, we went on holiday together for little over two weeks. This went really well! Of course there were some moments when he was irritated and in a bad mood, but overall we had a lovely time and talked every night for a very long time. All my doubts were gone again and I was so happy to have him, our relationship really felt meant to be again.
After summer things changed  again, he went to study in a new city (although he still lived in the same city I lived), which he found very stressful and took up a lot of his time. He also thought I wasn't making enough time for him, which was true because I have the tendency to want to be busy all the time because otherwise I start feeling empty and sad. Despite all of this things still went pretty well and we did lots of nice things together. But then I got ill. I was in hospital for a few days and in bed a week afterwards. This really got to him. After this everything changed. I think he couldn't take the stress or he got frightened of how he felt, how worried he was for me. I don't know and he can't explain it either, but I think that was the moment when I lost him. He downloaded an online dating app and started talking to a girl, which I found out about and really hurt me. He said he was sorry and loved me and didn't want to lose me and that it meant nothing to him, but I had lost trust to him and needed time to rebuild that. He didn't give me that time. I think he got fed up with me being sad about it and wanting to talking about it, because a week later he broke up with me. I was devestated because I didn't expect it in any way, since he had told me two days beforehand how how much he loved me.
I went to live with my parents. For two weeks we didn't have contact except for two occassions where he messaged me about how I was doing. The first time I begged him to come back to me, the second time I was more casual but he got really angry with me because I had installed an online dating app (it was to see if he would be on it, I thought maybe it would be a way to engage conversation with him again) and he found out about it. I was really hurt by the things he said to me then. They were far from nice. Then after two weeks he asked me to come over and I went without a doubt. I took him back without him having to explain anything to me, because I was so desperate. Needless to say it didn't last long. We were together again for two weeks, in which we hardly saw eachother except to sleep together. He messaged me very little and gave me the feeling that he was fed up with me very soon after we got back together again. This feeling was right, because after two weeks he told me that he didn't feel like being together anymore and that he was irritated by me all the time and that I was too insecure and that he just didn't feel like messaging or seeing me, he'd much rather spend his time otherwise. This time I felt it coming, so I didn't cry like a baby during him telling me this and only lived with my parents for a shorter time.
We didn't have contact for two weeks again, now no contact at all. Then he messaged me again asking me how I was doing and telling me how he missed me and how he was unhappy. This made me hopeful again, but turned out that his intentions were purely sexual, because he said that he thought it wouldn't work out between us but that he would love to undress me one more time. I declined, saying that wouldn't be a good idea. He got really angry with me again, saying very very hurtful things. Then a day later he messaged me saying he was sorry and if I would maybe like to have dinner with him sometime around christmas. I agreed to this. He kept on messaging me and saying sweet things and I agreed to meeting up a few days later. We went on a walk and he said that he missed me very much and wanted to try again. So after a long talk we decided to try again. The first week was amazing. We saw eachother a lot, talked a lot and it really felt like the old days. But then I went on holiday and things detoriated quickly. He didn't message me anymore, only when I sent him a message did he reply. He also was very distant in his reply, like I was a friend instead of a loved one. We saw eachother again on new year's eve and this wasn't nice at all. I felt like he was really irritated by me and that I was doing everything wrong in his eyes. I told him this but he got angry with me, saying I shouldn't expect to much from him etc. Then we didn't see eachother again for a few days, even though I had lots of time to spend with him, but he just hung out with friends and didn't make time for me. Then on friday we spent a day together. We went to a museum and walked around the city. It was really weird, it felt like their was no connecton between us at all. Like we didn't have anything to talk about. Everytime I started a conservation he only replied very shortly. It just wasn't nice. Then after dinner he asked how I thought things were going and I said I felt like he was annoyed by me all the time and like he didn't want to spend any time with me. He said he didn't want to continue on any longer.
We then had a very long conversation about how he was feeling, that he wasn't doing well, he felt very unhappy and he didn't know how to be happy anymore. That he again felt like he didn't want to message me or see me, that he just wasn't excited about spending time with me. I really don't understand how this could change again so quickly, since two weeks before we had a lovely time and in the meantime we hardly saw eachother. I just don't understand him anymore.

Help
I don't know what to do. Our relationship seems lost and I don't think he'd want to try again after all this that has happened. I think he's so stuck in himself and so lost that there's just no room for me. I am very worried about him and wished I could help him and be there for him. I love him so much, I just can't seem to let go. Any advice? Do you think he might have BPD? What should I do now? Is there any hope?

[blooming]

Hello dear members of this forum,

I want to tell you the story of my relationship (that just ended for the 3rd time this friday), if that's okay with you. I'm warning you though, although I'll try to keep it short, it'll probably be quite a long read. You could also just read the Highlights and the Help part, the long story is mostly there so I could just get it off my chest I guess.

The highlights, why I think maybe he has BPD
- He has a history of on-off relationships which were quite abusive, his exes talk about him as being manipulative, saying he emotionally abused them. He hasn't been together with someone for longer than half a year, but has been in a relationship which in total lasted 3 years, with lots of on-off moments.
- He lost all his childhood friends
- He always talks about his 'bad trait', which is when he suddenly gets really angry and can't control himself anymore and says really hurtful things to people he loves. He realises he does this but he can't stop himself. He also realises this is what destroyed his past relationships and is what made people leave him. I think it worked so long between us because I just don't say hurtful things back. I just let him say what he wants to say and let the storm pass.
- He is very much a black-white thinker, he doesn't have very nuanced opinions. He also has quite a negative outlook on life and on people, he thinks there aren't a lot of nice people in the world.
- Our relationship started of really good, but after a few months he started to become quite controlling, having an opinion about everything I did in life and saying hurtful things to me. Becoming quite angry out of the blue and then being nice again a few hours later, apologizing and saying how much he loved me.
- The end of our relationship has been very rough, we broke up, got back together after two weeks, then broke up again after two weeks, then got back together after three weeks, then broke up again after three weeks. All reconciliations were initiated by him. In between break-up end reconcilation he said very hurtful things to me.
- In the last conversation I had with him (when we broke up again last week), he said that he was very unhappy, that he didn't know how to be happy anymore. That one day he felt good and the other day he felt really sad and angry. That he couldn't sleep anymore, that he lay awake all night thinking about how he should live his life better, about us and about his father (he doesn't have contact with him anymore, his father wasn't a very nice man and hurt him and his mother and sister very badly). That he felt like he could never finish anything, that always after sometime he couldn't be in a relationship anymore. That he didn't understand himself. I asked him if he shouldn't talk to someone about these feelings, but he said that wasn't for him.

The long story
My (now) ex and I first started dating November 2016, although we'd been talking on and off before that since about May that year. We became official a little under two months after our first date. He was my first boyfriend and the first person I was intimate with. The first six months of our relationship we're utter bliss. We made eachother very happy and felt very connected in every way, like we were made for eachother. We talked about future plans like we would stay together for a very long time.
Then, around summer time, things started to change a little bit. My boyfriend had already had the tendency to be very judgmental about the choices I made in life and the people I was hanging out with, but this started to get worse and worse. I never got mad at him though, because I'm just a person who never gets mad at anyone. I just let him say his nasty words and waited out his bad moods. While I was on holiday he said some very hurtful things to me, about how I was naive and never stood up for myself and how I made stupid decisions. He always apologized afterwards though, told me he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I always forgave him.
Then, at the end of summer, we went on holiday together for little over two weeks. This went really well! Of course there were some moments when he was irritated and in a bad mood, but overall we had a lovely time and talked every night for a very long time. All my doubts were gone again and I was so happy to have him, our relationship really felt meant to be again.
After summer things changed  again, he went to study in a new city (although he still lived in the same city I lived), which he found very stressful and took up a lot of his time. He also thought I wasn't making enough time for him, which was true because I have the tendency to want to be busy all the time because otherwise I start feeling empty and sad. Despite all of this things still went pretty well and we did lots of nice things together. But then I got ill. I was in hospital for a few days and in bed a week afterwards. This really got to him. After this everything changed. I think he couldn't take the stress or he got frightened of how he felt, how worried he was for me. I don't know and he can't explain it either, but I think that was the moment when I lost him. He downloaded an online dating app and started talking to a girl, which I found out about and really hurt me. He said he was sorry and loved me and didn't want to lose me and that it meant nothing to him, but I had lost trust to him and needed time to rebuild that. He didn't give me that time. I think he got fed up with me being sad about it and wanting to talking about it, because a week later he broke up with me. I was devestated because I didn't expect it in any way, since he had told me two days beforehand how how much he loved me.
I went to live with my parents. For two weeks we didn't have contact except for two occassions where he messaged me about how I was doing. The first time I begged him to come back to me, the second time I was more casual but he got really angry with me because I had installed an online dating app (it was to see if he would be on it, I thought maybe it would be a way to engage conversation with him again) and he found out about it. I was really hurt by the things he said to me then. They were far from nice. Then after two weeks he asked me to come over and I went without a doubt. I took him back without him having to explain anything to me, because I was so desperate. Needless to say it didn't last long. We were together again for two weeks, in which we hardly saw eachother except to sleep together. He messaged me very little and gave me the feeling that he was fed up with me very soon after we got back together again. This feeling was right, because after two weeks he told me that he didn't feel like being together anymore and that he was irritated by me all the time and that I was too insecure and that he just didn't feel like messaging or seeing me, he'd much rather spend his time otherwise. This time I felt it coming, so I didn't cry like a baby during him telling me this and only lived with my parents for a shorter time.
We didn't have contact for two weeks again, now no contact at all. Then he messaged me again asking me how I was doing and telling me how he missed me and how he was unhappy. This made me hopeful again, but turned out that his intentions were purely sexual, because he said that he thought it wouldn't work out between us but that he would love to undress me one more time. I declined, saying that wouldn't be a good idea. He got really angry with me again, saying very very hurtful things. Then a day later he messaged me saying he was sorry and if I would maybe like to have dinner with him sometime around christmas. I agreed to this. He kept on messaging me and saying sweet things and I agreed to meeting up a few days later. We went on a walk and he said that he missed me very much and wanted to try again. So after a long talk we decided to try again. The first week was amazing. We saw eachother a lot, talked a lot and it really felt like the old days. But then I went on holiday and things detoriated quickly. He didn't message me anymore, only when I sent him a message did he reply. He also was very distant in his reply, like I was a friend instead of a loved one. We saw eachother again on new year's eve and this wasn't nice at all. I felt like he was really irritated by me and that I was doing everything wrong in his eyes. I told him this but he got angry with me, saying I shouldn't expect to much from him etc. Then we didn't see eachother again for a few days, even though I had lots of time to spend with him, but he just hung out with friends and didn't make time for me. Then on friday we spent a day together. We went to a museum and walked around the city. It was really weird, it felt like their was no connecton between us at all. Like we didn't have anything to talk about. Everytime I started a conservation he only replied very shortly. It just wasn't nice. Then after dinner he asked how I thought things were going and I said I felt like he was annoyed by me all the time and like he didn't want to spend any time with me. He said he didn't want to continue on any longer.
We then had a very long conversation about how he was feeling, that he wasn't doing well, he felt very unhappy and he didn't know how to be happy anymore. That he again felt like he didn't want to message me or see me, that he just wasn't excited about spending time with me. I really don't understand how this could change again so quickly, since two weeks before we had a lovely time and in the meantime we hardly saw eachother. I just don't understand him anymore.

Help
I don't know what to do. Our relationship seems lost and I don't think he'd want to try again after all this that has happened. I think he's so stuck in himself and so lost that there's just no room for me. I am very worried about him and wished I could help him and be there for him. I love him so much, I just can't seem to let go. Any advice? Do you think he might have BPD? What should I do now? Is there any hope?

[araneina]

I can't really say much regarding whether or not he has BPD, but... .he sounds like a jerk.  Frankly, he sounds like my ex-ex who was just a phenomenal self-absorbed ass who used me for sex when he was lonely or when he'd been rejected by another girl (he was playing behind my back).  He could be SUPER sweet when he wanted to be, but only when it served his needs.

It's easy for an internet stranger to say this but... .let this one go.  Regardless of whether or not he's mentally ill, he is not treating you right and that should be enough.  It's so hard to see that when you're convinced you love him (trust me, I know), but from an outsider's perspective... he's not treating you well.

[blooming]

I can't really say much regarding whether or not he has BPD, but... .he sounds like a jerk.  Frankly, he sounds like my ex-ex who was just a phenomenal self-absorbed ass who used me for sex when he was lonely or when he'd been rejected by another girl (he was playing behind my back).  He could be SUPER sweet when he wanted to be, but only when it served his needs.

It's easy for an internet stranger to say this but... .let this one go.  Regardless of whether or not he's mentally ill, he is not treating you right and that should be enough.  It's so hard to see that when you're convinced you love him (trust me, I know), but from an outsider's perspective... he's not treating you well.

Thank you for your reply! I was starting to feel a bit sadcbecause no one had reacted to my post and I feel very lost and need the help.

But do you think he has some BPD traits? I’m very worried about him and his mental well-being.

I know he’s not treating me well now, but it’s just that our first 8 months together were so good that I can’t let him go. I think he has let go of me now though, since I sent him a postcard yesterday because it would have been our one year anniversary, but he didn’t message me about it or anything. This really hurts, since I poured my heart and soul into that postcard. I’m just so scared that I’ve lost him for good now, I don’t know how to go on without him.

[blooming]

So this morning I had an appointment with my psychologist and she said that it was very very likely that my ex has BPD, although of course she can't be sure since she hasn't met him herself, but all the signs pointed to it she said. This was a real eye-opener for me and explains a lot of his strange behaviour. Unfortunately it doesn't give me closure at all. I am worried about him and the fact that he won't accept help. I hate that he only told me how bad he really felt about his life and himself after he broke up with me (again), because now I can't be there for him.

Yesterday should have been our anniversary, so I sent him a card, but he hasn't sent me a message thanking me for it or anything, so I do not think he is interested in contacting me. This hurts pretty badly.

I just hate myself for not being able to let him go and for still loving him so much, even though he has hurt and degraded me countless times. I just was never able to let him know when he crossed my boundaries because I was scared that he would get (even more) angry with me or that he would leave me, so I let him say his mean words again and again and only now that I'm seeing my psychologist again I realise how much this has shattered the little confidence I had. And still, despite realising all that, I would still take him back immediately if he messaged me. Even after our two-month break up which consisted of him hurting me, him suddenly wanting to try againd and then him suddenly being bored by me and dumping me again, I would still take him back. I hate that my self esteem is so low that I would do that. I hate the power he has on me.

How do you cope? How do you move on? Any tips, anyone who has gone through the same thing?

[TurbanCowboy]

So this morning I had an appointment with my psychologist and she said that it was very very likely that my ex has BPD, although of course she can't be sure since she hasn't met him herself, but all the signs pointed to it she said. This was a real eye-opener for me and explains a lot of his strange behaviour. Unfortunately it doesn't give me closure at all. I am worried about him and the fact that he won't accept help. I hate that he only told me how bad he really felt about his life and himself after he broke up with me (again), because now I can't be there for him.

Yesterday should have been our anniversary, so I sent him a card, but he hasn't sent me a message thanking me for it or anything, so I do not think he is interested in contacting me. This hurts pretty badly.

I just hate myself for not being able to let him go and for still loving him so much, even though he has hurt and degraded me countless times. I just was never able to let him know when he crossed my boundaries because I was scared that he would get (even more) angry with me or that he would leave me, so I let him say his mean words again and again and only now that I'm seeing my psychologist again I realise how much this has shattered the little confidence I had. And still, despite realising all that, I would still take him back immediately if he messaged me. Even after our two-month break up which consisted of him hurting me, him suddenly wanting to try againd and then him suddenly being bored by me and dumping me again, I would still take him back. I hate that my self esteem is so low that I would do that. I hate the power he has on me.

How do you cope? How do you move on? Any tips, anyone who has gone through the same thing?

I have a 10 year relationship ending, moved out of our house a month ago.  During the process of ending the relationship which was a little over 3
Months there was pushing and pulling including a 10 day periods where it looked like we might save the marriage right after I retained the attorney.

There is a lot of resentment and scorched earth in my situation, my wife has already lined up the replacement as well, someone who also appears to be emotionally bankrupt.

All I can say is that what you were going through or what I was going through wasn’t healthy or sustainable long term. I recognize that I have my own issues and that if I was healthier we likely would not have lasted 2 months let alone 10 years.

There are other people out there who had bad relationships who are probably hoping to find someone like you are I. The process of getting over it sucks but life does move on and you can’t let one person dictate your happiness and life. 

[pearlsw]

Hi blooming, I know how hard it is to detach sometimes. I had a partner with BPD traits who suddenly disappeared and because of that it took me about 3 years to really get closure with it.

Perhaps instead of sending cards for anniversaries that didn't get to happen you can just write letters to this person that you do not send? Or tell your therapist the things you wish you could say?

It's okay to wish for people... .we get bonded to them and those bonds are strong, but take the time to heal... .the bonds will fade if you let them.

Instead of worrying about him and thinking there is something left for you to do to protect him are you able to put some of that wonderful spirt towards yourself? What if all that energy went into the things that make you happy? What might that look like?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[Mutt]

Hi blooming,

How do you move on? Any tips, anyone who has gone through the same thing?

Healing is different for everyone one recipe for one person doesn’t necessarily work for someone else. That being said, I do think that there are essentials and a good place to start is to ask yourself is if you’re done with the r/s. If your desire is to recycle then detaching is a mute point. If you tell yourself “I’ve had enough I’m done” you can run with that.

Did your P ask you if you were done with the r/s or not? If so do you mind sharing your response to your P?

[Jeffree]

How do you cope? How do you move on?


For me it helped to view what I actually had in the end with the BPD versus what it used to be or what I wanted it to be.

For instance, toward the end of my 1st marriage, she would be home about 1-1/2 days out of 7 during the week. She'd be on the road for her job 4-1/2 days, we'd have Friday night a little bit of Saturday, then she'd be doing work and getting ready for the next week and I'd be out doing the errands, playing golf, etc.

On one hand, that was really just about 8 hours time together. However, for a while, I just kept seeing it as a necessary evil for her to advance in her job and was able to fill in the gaps she left in being gone so much, so I didn't feel the loss that acutely.

I could have kept going like that for a while, but everything came crashing down when she decided to up and leave me.

It turned out she was having an affair with her boss (sales manager).

Thus, she was purposely limiting the time we had together while I was purposely keeping the home fires burning.

Once she left, I couldn't keep holding a vigil for her return. I had to grow up and see all of it for what it was and move on, one day at a time, one moment to the next.

I know what it's like to have dreams of a future with someone. But when the other person takes a different tack that doesn't include you, it's time to go your own way and set your charts for a new course.

J

[Skip]

Any tips, anyone who has gone through the same thing?

Most everyone has  

We are so sorry you are feeling this hurt. You seem like a very sweet person and someone who loves deeply.

Sounds like its been and up and down year. BPD is very impulsive. One needs to learn a lot of relationship skills to keep things on an even keel in this type of relationship.

How many recycles have you two been through?  Is he talking to you at all right now?

[blooming]

Hi blooming, I know how hard it is to detach sometimes. I had a partner with BPD traits who suddenly disappeared and because of that it took me about 3 years to really get closure with it.

Perhaps instead of sending cards for anniversaries that didn't get to happen you can just write letters to this person that you do not send? Or tell your therapist the things you wish you could say?

It's okay to wish for people... .we get bonded to them and those bonds are strong, but take the time to heal... .the bonds will fade if you let them.

Instead of worrying about him and thinking there is something left for you to do to protect him are you able to put some of that wonderful spirt towards yourself? What if all that energy went into the things that make you happy? What might that look like?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

Thank you for your lovely response pearlsw! I'm very sad to hear about your hard time finding closure after your BPD parter left you. I really hope it won't take me as much time.

The problem is that at the moment I hardly have any energy left since the last two months I put my heart and soul in him and trying to convince him that it could work between us and that I was good enough. This has drained me emotionally and physically and I feel extremely empty and low now. But hopefully, after some time, I will see again that I can be happy without him. He was very controlling over how I lived my life, so I think that eventually it will be nice to find out again what I like and what I'm like without him. I hope.

[blooming]

I have a 10 year relationship ending, moved out of our house a month ago.  During the process of ending the relationship which was a little over 3
Months there was pushing and pulling including a 10 day periods where it looked like we might save the marriage right after I retained the attorney.

There is a lot of resentment and scorched earth in my situation, my wife has already lined up the replacement as well, someone who also appears to be emotionally bankrupt.

All I can say is that what you were going through or what I was going through wasn’t healthy or sustainable long term. I recognize that I have my own issues and that if I was healthier we likely would not have lasted 2 months let alone 10 years.

There are other people out there who had bad relationships who are probably hoping to find someone like you are I. The process of getting over it sucks but life does move on and you can’t let one person dictate your happiness and life. 

Thank you dear TurbanCowboy! Your response really helps! I agree that it wouldn't have worked long term, he was just too unpredictable and I think no one can make him happy for longer than half a year before he gets 'bored'.

[blooming]

Hi blooming,



Healing is different for everyone one recipe for one person doesn’t necessarily work for someone else. That being said, I do think that there are essentials and a good place to start is to ask yourself is if you’re done with the r/s. If your desire is to recycle then detaching is a mute point. If you tell yourself “I’ve had enough I’m done” you can run with that.

Did your P ask you if you were done with the r/s or not? If so do you mind sharing your response to your P?

I try to tell myself that I'm done with the r/s (what does the s stand for in this?), but I know that deep down I'm not and that if he would contact me again I would probably be open to this, because I still love him too much. He hasn't contacted me since last friday (when we broke up again) though, so I think he might not want to try again.

He did not ask me that specifically, but he did realise that the r/s was really really hurting me and I think this was a revelation for him. Before that he had just been thinking of himself and now he realised that what he was doing wasn't good for me and my wellbeing, so I think that might be a reason why he would not recycle again, although I'm never sure because the two times he broke up with me before this he also assured me that he wouldn't want to try again because it just didn't work between us anymore. I wish I would understand what is going on inside his head. He doesn't understand either. He literally told me that he didn't see any reason why he would want to leave me but that he just couldn't be with me because he didn't feel like contacting me or seeing me. I think I was boring him or something.

What I find very hard though, is knowing that he probably already is seeing other women at the moment. He really can't be alone. The longest he has ever not dated someone was two weeks and that really was a record for him. In the (2x) two weeks that we weren't talking these past months he was also already seeing other women. This really hurts, that he apparently can forget me that easily.

I also know that in the past he was convincing his exes to see him again, knowing exactly what to say to get them back, but he at the same time was seeing other women. I think it was just about the control for him, knowing that he still held power over them. He has been quite open about these things to me, because he really wanted to change, but I still don't know if I can trust him now because of how much his behaviour has changed these past months to the man I knew before while our relationship was still (pretty) happy.

[blooming]

I know what it's like to have dreams of a future with someone. But when the other person takes a different tack that doesn't include you, it's time to go your own way and set your charts for a new course.

J

Thank you Jeffree! Your response really helped. I think I could have gone on a long time like this as well, even though I wasn't feeling happy in the relationship. It's just too hard to leave thim. You are right, I need to find a new path.

[blooming]

Most everyone has  

We are so sorry you are feeling this hurt. You seem like a very sweet person and someone who loves deeply.

Sounds like its been and up and down year. BPD is very impulsive. One needs to learn a lot of relationship skills to keep things on an even keel in this type of relationship.

How many recycles have you two been through?  Is he talking to you at all right now?

Haha yeah you're right, that was a dumb question. We're here for the same reason.

Thank you for your lovely compliment!

We broke up for the first time in october (before that we had a stable - in the sense of there being no break ups - relationship of around 10 months) than two weeks of hardly any contact, than a two week recycle, than two weeks no contact, than a three week recycle. That three week recycle was ended last friday and since then he hasn't contacted me.

I don't know, I feel kind of like a failure, because I know that with his exes the recycles lasted a lot longer and he was able to stay with them again for sometimes as long as half a year. O don't know what I'm doing wrong, why he can't stay with me for longer than a few weeks. Although their recycle pattern started a lot earlier, I think before that his longest "first" relationship (so before the first break up with a girlfriend) only lasted 5 months and that was quite a record.

[Skip]

Recycling is a cancer in relationships... .all things equal... .don't let this be part of your life with anyone.

I have been emotionally tied two two recyclers in my life - some people are just that way - they deal with up/downs in the relationship by stepping away.

[blooming]

Recycling is a cancer in relationships... .all things equal... .don't let this be part of your life with anyone.

I have been emotionally tied two two recyclers in my life - some people are just that way - they deal with up/downs in the relationship by stepping away.

Yes, I think I lost him when I got really ill in the beginneling of october and was in hospital for a few days. He was really sweet that week, zitting by my bed pretty much every day. But it caused him a lot of stress and sadness which he didn’t share with me (later he accused me of being too occupied with myself, which really hurt) and he started distancing himself dor me. He aso downloaded a dating app around that time and started talking to a girl there when I foond out he apologized and said it was nothing serious, that he just wantend some easy contact which made him feel good. He still hurt me though and my trust in him had decreased, I couldn’t forgive him right away. This he couldn’t accept and after a week he broke up with me. I just don’t understanding why he could ive up on us so easily

[Skip]

I just don’t understanding why he could ive up on us so easily

Shame.

People with deep shame fear being discovered. When you start discovering them, one solution is to clear the slate and make a fresh start. Most likely that is what the dating app was about - find someone quickly who will value him (even if for the day) rather than face your disappointment.

We all struggle with this to some level... .pwBPD traits much more.

He wasn't giving up on you. He was dealing with his "poor character" handling of the situation.

I'm not slighting him... .just explaining a common action we see here and a possible driver of his actions.

[TurbanCowboy]

I try to tell myself that I'm done with the r/s (what does the s stand for in this?), but I know that deep down I'm not and that if he would contact me again I would probably be open to this, because I still love him too much. He hasn't contacted me since last friday (when we broke up again) though, so I think he might not want to try again.

He did not ask me that specifically, but he did realise that the r/s was really really hurting me and I think this was a revelation for him. Before that he had just been thinking of himself and now he realised that what he was doing wasn't good for me and my wellbeing, so I think that might be a reason why he would not recycle again, although I'm never sure because the two times he broke up with me before this he also assured me that he wouldn't want to try again because it just didn't work between us anymore. I wish I would understand what is going on inside his head. He doesn't understand either. He literally told me that he didn't see any reason why he would want to leave me but that he just couldn't be with me because he didn't feel like contacting me or seeing me. I think I was boring him or something.

What I find very hard though, is knowing that he probably already is seeing other women at the moment. He really can't be alone. The longest he has ever not dated someone was two weeks and that really was a record for him. In the (2x) two weeks that we weren't talking these past months he was also already seeing other women. This really hurts, that he apparently can forget me that easily.

I also know that in the past he was convincing his exes to see him again, knowing exactly what to say to get them back, but he at the same time was seeing other women. I think it was just about the control for him, knowing that he still held power over them. He has been quite open about these things to me, because he really wanted to change, but I still don't know if I can trust him now because of how much his behaviour has changed these past months to the man I knew before while our relationship was still (pretty) happy.

From what I have read and my 10 year experience, so much of it is about control

My wife has the emotional maturity and intelligence of a child. I could send her a text right now and if I showed you the response you’d have no clue she is 37 yet she has a career and makes good money.

We are objects, toys. I feel like I was a toy truck that you could bag around a lot, but after 10 years I’m starting to break.  I think my wife is honestly bored of playing with me, but she doesn’t want to throw me away, she wants to keep me in the closet in case she wants to play with me again or her new toy ends up breaking or getting lost.

I went to Disney for 4 days with my son. The night before I left we were arguing over text after not having talke for about a week. She was taunting me over how I’m going to be a two weekend a month father, the new guy is a real MAN, etc.

The next day I’m in Orland and I’m getting texts to send pictures and she wants to know when I’m returning.  I don’t send pictures. The next day I’m getting requests for pictures again. Now I cave. Then I’m getting asked about fixing a leak, being wished a Happy New Year right after midnight, I’m asked when the trash is picked up at a house she kicked me out of, etc. When I go home and dump off my son’s suitcase at our home, I see the replacement’s truck is in the garage and weight set. He’s moving in.

I called my wife out on this. She keeps making her presence felt in Disney while her new man is moving in. It’s all about her.  She wants to know I’m still emotionally available to her. I told her not to contact me again if it’s not related to our boy and I get a rant about how she wasted 10 years with me, that I didn’t have to respond to her texts and that family was never a priority, blah blah blah. I didn’t respond.

After reaching out to the replacement as well and getting him to run his mouth, I told my wife I didn’t feel comfortable reaching out to her at all and to just have our son contact me at 8PM or whenever most nights for FaceTime. She asked what would be a good time last week. He’s 5. I haven’t heard from my son since I dropped him off January 2 at daycare.  I know this is about control and being vindictive.

She will never change.

[blooming]

Shame.

People with deep shame fear being discovered. When you start discovering them, one solution is to clear the slate and make a fresh start. Most likely that is what the dating app was about - find someone quickly who will value him (even if for the day) rather than face your disappointment.

We all struggle with this to some level... .pwBPD traits much more.

He wasn't giving up on you. He was dealing with his "poor character" handling of the situation.

I'm not slighting him... .just explaining a common action we see here and a possible driver of his actions.

I think you're right. I think he is also scared of himself and what he is capable of doing to others (cheating on them/hurting them) and maybe he thought that he should step away to prevent worse things from happening. And it was definitely about being valued, the dating app, he said that pretty much exactly to me. He is just in constant need of positive attention.

Thank you for your clear and helpful insights

[blooming]

From what I have read and my 10 year experience, so much of it is about control

My wife has the emotional maturity and intelligence of a child. I could send her a text right now and if I showed you the response you’d have no clue she is 37 yet she has a career and makes good money.

We are objects, toys. I feel like I was a toy truck that you could bag around a lot, but after 10 years I’m starting to break.  I think my wife is honestly bored of playing with me, but she doesn’t want to throw me away, she wants to keep me in the closet in case she wants to play with me again or her new toy ends up breaking or getting lost.

I went to Disney for 4 days with my son. The night before I left we were arguing over text after not having talke for about a week. She was taunting me over how I’m going to be a two weekend a month father, the new guy is a real MAN, etc.

The next day I’m in Orland and I’m getting texts to send pictures and she wants to know when I’m returning.  I don’t send pictures. The next day I’m getting requests for pictures again. Now I cave. Then I’m getting asked about fixing a leak, being wished a Happy New Year right after midnight, I’m asked when the trash is picked up at a house she kicked me out of, etc. When I go home and dump off my son’s suitcase at our home, I see the replacement’s truck is in the garage and weight set. He’s moving in.

I called my wife out on this. She keeps making her presence felt in Disney while her new man is moving in. It’s all about her.  She wants to know I’m still emotionally available to her. I told her not to contact me again if it’s not related to our boy and I get a rant about how she wasted 10 years with me, that I didn’t have to respond to her texts and that family was never a priority, blah blah blah. I didn’t respond.

After reaching out to the replacement as well and getting him to run his mouth, I told my wife I didn’t feel comfortable reaching out to her at all and to just have our son contact me at 8PM or whenever most nights for FaceTime. She asked what would be a good time last week. He’s 5. I haven’t heard from my son since I dropped him off January 2 at daycare.  I know this is about control and being vindictive.

She will never change.

I'm sorry to hear your story Cowboy, it sounds like you've been hurt many times. It must be very difficult to be in your situation, especially since your son is still so young and probably doesn't understand everything very well.

I think you're right about it being about control, both that they want to have control over us and that they feel like they have no control over themselves. Does your wife accept professional help? I wish my ex would do that, because that would definitely make it better for himself and for the people around him.

[TurbanCowboy]

I'm sorry to hear your story Cowboy, it sounds like you've been hurt many times. It must be very difficult to be in your situation, especially since your son is still so young and probably doesn't understand everything very well.

I think you're right about it being about control, both that they want to have control over us and that they feel like they have no control over themselves. Does your wife accept professional help? I wish my ex would do that, because that would definitely make it better for himself and for the people around him.

I told her I think she has BPD about 2 months before I finally left the house and that didn’t go over very well, she laughed at me.

Her mother’s father was murdered when she was a child and 9 kids were separated because my wife’s grandmother couldn’t take care of them.

My wife’s mother is definitely a BPD and she gave it to my wife. I’m now worried about my son.

My mother in law would come over and never leave my son alone chasing him around constantly telling him “you don’t love me.” Now that I know about BPD it makes me want to puke that she is like that because she is putting her needs above his which can create the disorder. She also insists on sleeping with him which ironically was the catalyst for a fight in which my request for a separate bed was ignored and I ended up arguing with my mother in law when she got involved in an argument  I was having with my wife that she helped create.

I have told the replacement that I think my wife is clearly BPD, but he is seems like a total Narc and has been brainwashed by my wife.

My wife is now definitely aware of BPD, whether she lives in denial or gets treatment is her to be determined. I think if the relationship with the replacement begins to go south she’ll see someone about it but never tell me.