So glad I'm not alone

[JStarr]

 guys, I'm J. I'm 27 and from the UK. I've been in a relationship for 5 years with one significant break up of about a year in between. My partner has BPD which was diagnosed about 6 months ago but I always knew something was up and I initially thought it to be post natal depression as we have a child who is now 3. I say that because the first thing that made me notice something was up was just after the birth of our child.

My partner told me her dad sexually abused her when she was 13 (whilst still living with her parents) and I distanced myself from her family immediately. and when our child was born I said her dad shouldn't be near our child doing what he'd done. This is when my partner admitted to lying about it. That was just after our beautiful little girl was born and ever since it's never been the same.

I fought forever to get her diagnosed. Her family blamed me for her health but they don't understand what it felt like after those accusations. Finally she did 6 months ago but now she's given up medication and therapy and dealing with it at all. And now she screams and shouts and me and my daughter for nothing every day. And if I try to help I get blamed for everything and get told she doesn't have BPD but it's my fault despite her being properly diagnosed.

Now as horrible as this sounds I just can't deal with it anymore and need out but when I try to break up in a nice way she just says she'll get me out of my daughters life with accusations of drug taking, violence and unreliability. I've never been any of those things. I've worked long hours since our daughter was born and provided everything financially but it all gets thrown in my face everytime. I can't see friends anymore  cause she says she'll put on Facebook that I'm out doing drugs with friends and tell all my family I do drugs and say I've run out on my daughter. But I just need time to myself. I feel trapped and can't cope anymore I'm struggling at work (in a call centre) and feel embarrassed to talk to anyone at work about this. Sorry its long but surely I can't be the only one? I just want to be happy firstly with her but if she won't address her mental health issues what can I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

HI JStarr,

Sorry to hear that your relationship has been so difficult lately. I can imagine how scary it is knowing that your partner makes threats to your reputation.

It's important that you do have a social life and there is  nothing wrong with you wanting to go spend some time outside of the house. Often pwBPD have a fear of being rejected and friends are seen as a threat to the relationship. One thing that I've found helpful is that when I have social events coming up, I make sure that I validate my H's fear of being rejected first by saying something like "It's important to me that we spend time together. A friend wants to go out to dinner on Friday. I'll be home around 8pm and when I get home we can spend the rest of the evening together." See how I made sure that he knows he is important to me first BEFORE I let him know about the social event.

How can you take the fear out of those threats? Do you friends and family know that you do not do drugs? If the people who matter to you know that is not the case, then would her accusations of drug use REALLY harm you?

Can you keep track of dates and times that she makes threats to you, including the argument that led her to threaten you? Don't tell her you are tracking them. Just keep it somewhere safe for future use if necessary.

IT sounds like you are being controlled with FOG . FOG = Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Getting out of the FOG could help you get some clarity into your situation.

[Radcliff]

JStarr,

You are absolutely not alone.  While it is too bad that your partner is no longer in therapy, and there is no substitute for the right treatment, by knowing about BPD and learning some coping tools, you can definitely make some improvements in your life.  Take a look at the resources to the right.  In particular, to make your life more livable, and to develop some personal space to stay healthy, read up on boundaries.  To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries, this thread on scripts for setting boundaries, and this thread on boundary setting examples.

Let me echo Tattered Heart's recommendation to document any abusive behavior or threats from your partner.  Not only can this be useful in case accusations are ever made against you or you have custody proceedings, but having a journal will also help you keep straight in your head what is happening, otherwise it is very easy to get turned upside down.

Finally, I'd encourage you to become a regular on the board.  Post and reply to other's posts.  Keep reading the resources.  This is a marathon, so look at this board as a long-term way to stay connected, receive, and give support.

WW