Deprived of normal relationship

[savreina]

has anyone ever deprived themselves of a normal relationship because of exBPD? By that I mean have you ever turned down “normal” seeming people because you were so caught up on your feelings for your BPD partner?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sav, Sure, that's common and I've done it myself.  A r/s with a pwBPD casts a long shadow, in my experience.  It may indicate that you haven't completely detached your emotions from your pwBPD.  That's OK and just means that you have more work to do.  I predict that a day will come when you will be happy in a healthy r/s and grateful that you have parted ways from your pwBPD.  In the meantime, I understand that it's hard.  What sort of efforts are you making to get over your b/u with your Ex?

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi savreina,

You know you ask good questions   I have similar feeling msg as LuckyJim. I could be reading this wrong I think you’re asking about new r/s’s and not established ones with family and friends?

You’ve probably heard the term walking on eggshells that’s what it was like with my r/s’s outside of our marriage except for my best friend and my brother she liked them. Maybe she was comparing herself to the females in my life? Anyways to prevent fights about family members and friends I denied myself these r/s.

We need feedback from others just like your getting in this board with what we put out there in the world. You get to know about yourself externally from how others perceive you in your life.

If you’re asking if I denied myself with meeting new people - YES because my world was wrapped around my ex I was enmeshed with her and I was denying myself from a lot of things in life that heightened my anxiety and worsened my depression. I wasn’t taking care of myself I was too busy fixing and repairing things for my exuBPDw. I hope that helps.

[Lucky Jim]

I wasn’t taking care of myself I was too busy fixing and repairing things for my exuBPDw.

Agree w/Mutt.  I was constantly running around trying to put my finger in the dike of all the things that upset my BPDxW.  Letting go of that responsibility and Taking care of myself because the cornerstone of my recovery.  LJ

[ozmatoz]

Letting go of that responsibility and Taking care of myself because the cornerstone of my recovery.  LJ

I am SO looking forward to this. ^^^


Savreina, I'm early in this process so I don't have much advice to offer other than wishing you well.

take care,
-Oz

[savreina]

I ask because there was someone who was trying to be part of my life & I would blow them off because I was so caught up on her & her demands. She was VERY demanding to the point it made me uncomfortable & I felt weak but I did everything she asked of me because I didn’t wanna lose her again, even tho at one point I was okay with her leaving but of course when I initiated leaving she wouldn’t leave me alone & then 2 weeks later left me. I said all that to say I’ve been talking to that same person who’s been reaching out to me & idk what to do, i feel traumatized, I don’t know how to give my love without the fear of ending up with someone else like her

[Mutt]

Do you feel ready? Maybe maintain a friendship and not a romantic r/s with this new person. You can always change your mind later? I think that you have to have boundaries in a r/s if the person doesn’t reflect my boundaries then I have to ask myself do I want someone like this in my life?

You don’t want to be too hypervigilant, what I mean is you don’t want to have super strict boundaries you want to have some flexibility. You can let someone  into your world and give them a second chance if they make a mistake. I know that it feels really uncomfortable when someone wants us to do things that we don’t really want to.

You have value, your a loveable person and someone will return the same love to you that you give, don’t sell yourself short. That being said, have you looked at your boundaries and thought what is acceptable to you? Where do you struggle? Is it hard to implement boundsries do you worry about hurting the other oerson’s feelings?

Believing in yourself

[savreina]

I do worry about hurting their feelings. I have really bad social anxiety so hanging out with new ppl has always been tough for me (we went to HS together) but never socialized with one another so he’s a complete stranger. He wants to hang out but idk how to tell him I’m not ready without it sounding like he’s the problem. He doesn’t know anything about what I went through with my exBPD

[DaddyBear77]

idk how to tell him I’m not ready without it sounding like he’s the problem

Those three words, savreina, are key - respecting ourselves and our own feelings is SO important in any relationship. And after a traumatic or difficult break up, it is absolutely perfectly normal to feel this way!

Once we take the time to really articulate our feelings (and admit them!) in our own head, it becomes easier and easier to express them to someone else.

Something I'd suggest is practicing different ways of saying "I'm not ready" - like, "this isn't working" or "this is not a good time"- you can make it longer and add some details, like, "I think you're a really kind person" or "you've been really nice to me", but for the main message, try and find something short and to the point. What matters is, practice it, out loud. Think about how it feels to you. And more than anything else, make sure you are honest and from the heart when you say these things.

From experience, I can tell you that I have entered into relationships that I really didn't want to be in. I wasn't honest with my feelings, and I ended up causing even more pain for both myself and for my relationship partner than if I had just found a way, early on, to say what was really on my mind.

I hope this helps you find a way forward, savreina - hang in there, it really does get better. 

[Skip]

I remember trying to date to soon. I went to coffee with someone, she liked me. Afterward I sat in my car and was just distraught.

We have to heal and people will understand. Just be honest... .

[Tattered Heart]

As a woman, it is very hard for us to turn people down. We are taught to be polite at all times and outright rejecting someone goes against our social norms. But it's also important that you do not feel pressured to date or form a relationship if you are not ready. There is NOTHING wrong with that. If we are not direct in letting people down, give them a vague answer, or put them off until later, it can give the impression that the guy should keep on trying.

We have a tool here called SET . Although this is a tool that we use to talk to our pwBPD, I think it's a tool that can be used in all relationships, BPD or not. It's a way for us to state truth to someone in a way that is validating, honest, and direct.

Will you read through this workshop and then come back here and practice what you can say to turn him down more directly?

[Jeffree]

I don’t know how to give my love without the fear of ending up with someone else like her

Here's how I am hearing what you're saying, savreina... .

You are interested in taking things at your pace, BUT you have become so used to the intense enmeshment of your ex that you don't feel comfortable that you can offer this new person enough because you are expecting the same never-ending demands from him as you got from your ex. It's like why even try, if you're not 100% ready to jump through all the hoops. But do you really ever want to have to jump through such hoops in the first place? You can only do what you can do. If he's "normal" he should be able to understand that and be OK with it. If you're not ready at all in any capacity, then you're not ready. If you're comfortable talking on the phone or e-mailing for a while and possibly meeting up for lunch, a movie, or whatever at some point, then so be it. You've been through a lot. You need time to heal and you need people in your life who can support that healing process.

J

[Mutt]

Hi savreina,


Someone else said practice I recall after joining this site and defending my first boundary with my exuBPDw I found it hard at first but with practice it slowly became easier until it’s second nature and the help that I got here was huge help with that.

Also it helps to turn to others like here on bpdfamily or people that you trust and respect you in real life and ask their opinion. It helps when you have people in your corner. Create a network of people that care for you and are looking out for your best interest.