want to stay but losing power to make it

[myBPlove]

weve been together for 5 years... 5 years with no major conflicts or problems.we came along with almost anything and everything.im more of a passive type and she is the opposite.she was diagnosed with BPD while she was in a stable state.i dont know about it then coz everything is pretty normal between us.until we had a fight when i hurt her feelings badly... an opinion i said and it hurt her so much.and we were never the same.she engaged in reckless behaviors, overnight with friends, dui, and became unfaithful.been many times i submit myself to NC rule but she keeps on coming back and almost immediately i would accept her because i love her... she told me she knows whats wrong and submitted herself into therapy.but still she remains the same.im getting tired.i want to be with her but the thought of being close scares her.recently she told me its better if we dont talk for awhile because i told her im getting tired.will she come back?i dont know.but sometimes i wish she wont.but at the back of my mind i still want to.im educating myself about her condition to better understand her.i love her thats all i know.all i want is to get through her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Welcome myBPlove,

everything is pretty normal between us.until we had a fight when i hurt her feelings badly... an opinion i said and it hurt her so much.and we were never the same

Don't blame yourself  . There is a lot of stuff that you don't know. Conflicts in the back that were piling up, lies that may be spiraling out of control or whatever. The reality of BPD is that when a tipping point is reached the coping mechanisms fail and often become destructive, stability is lost and hard to regain. Admitting the problems are with her is impossible for her so it has to be you   . In a healthy relationship you should be safe to voice your opinions and make honest mistakes!

i dont know.but sometimes i wish she wont.but at the back of my mind i still want to.im educating myself about her condition to better understand her.i love her thats all i know.all i want is to get through her.

This site provides great educational resources. Not only that but there are others in your situation - a somehow unresolved relationship stuck in limbo.

Your relationship won't come back in the way it was that is certain. If it is ever to be rebuilt it has to have a different foundation or maybe you build another healthy relationship with someone different. In any case you will benefit from some healing of your current wounds. Healed and healthy it is easier to rebuild. Sharing your story is a first and important step and I can only encourage you to do so here or by relating to stories of other members.

Welcome to the board and a hopefully better 2018 to you  ,,

a0

[myBPlove]

she texted last night that she misses me everyday.i immediately deleted the message and struggled hard not to reply.its so hard coz i miss her too

[myBPlove]

im at peace for days... no messages from her.that was the last message... that she misses me everyday.maybe she is busy with things which is good for her.all i wish is for her to know what she really want in life... and have the courage to do it.she is always affected by the opinions of others around her and will self pity afterwards.i pray always that she will have strength to face everyday with hope.as for me, i think i will be fine.i have to take care of myself now that she is not contacting me.and think of ways of how to improve my relp with others.and maybe... just maybe to improve my relp with her.
it helps reading all the posts here.im thankful that i have an outlet to say what i feel.till next time. -myBPlove

[myBPlove]

how will i know if she is sincere to the truest sense of the word that she wants to work things out with me this time? are there signs that i should look for? she keeps on coming back and would leave me hanging...

[Insom]

It sounds like you're trying to understand what is true in this relationship.

Would you like to share more about what is going on? 

[Jeffree]

Typically, boundaries and/or guidelines are established.

If she abides by them, then you know she's serious.

J
 

[Sunfl0wer]

When she doesn’t just talk the talk, but she walks the walk... .consistently, regularly, over time.

Change is not an event.
It is a process.

Her actions and words should be matching.
Her behavior should communicate respect for you and the relationship.

I also like what Jeffree says because initially, you will not have a history of behavior to know if to trust.  So initially, seeing how she responds to boundaries seems an excellent gauge to start with.

[ArleighBurke]

See - I have a very different view... .

A BPD ALWAYS sincerely WANTS to work it out... .But they don't have the ability to. When things get tough, they will find an excuse to get them out of it. And it will never be their fault.

Jeffree said:

Typically, boundaries and/or guidelines are established.
If she abides by them, then you know she's serious.

And I'm going to disagree again. Boundaries are not there for "her to abide by". Boundaries are there to protect yourself. It doesn't matter whether she abides or not - they have nothing to do with her. (If your boundary is "If you swear at me I will leave the house" then it doesn't matter if she swears or not - the boundary is there FOR YOU).

But I will agree with Sunfl0wer:

Her actions and words should be matching.

View her actions.

[myBPlove]

usually she would contact me as if nothing happened.would be super nice and all... would tell me she wants to spend time with me but would cancel all of a sudden... leaving me wondering what happened.she tells me she loves me but her actions tell differently... everytime i will ask her what she thinks of our relationship her answer is always 'i dont know' and would tell me we should stop talking and seeing each other if i feel this way... and then she would contact again saying she misses me and its difficult if we are not talking... i dont message her back... i think im losing it.im getting tired.i just wanna rest for a while.

[pest]

See - I have a very different view... .

A BPD ALWAYS sincerely WANTS to work it out... .But they don't have the ability to. When things get tough, they will find an excuse to get them out of it. And it will never be their fault.

Jeffree said:
And I'm going to disagree again. Boundaries are not there for "her to abide by". Boundaries are there to protect yourself. It doesn't matter whether she abides or not - they have nothing to do with her. (If your boundary is "If you swear at me I will leave the house" then it doesn't matter if she swears or not - the boundary is there FOR YOU).

But I will agree with Sunfl0wer:View her actions.

I totally agree what have said. I experienced the same no matter what she promise and acted out for a while. When the things get tough there are always excuses. We are not happy, I am not happy so on. When she feels she has a replacement of you, everything like a pufff. They are weak and inconsistent with their feelings.

[Skip]

every time i will ask her what she thinks of our relationship her answer is always 'i dont know' and would tell me we should stop talking and seeing each other if i feel this way... .

I think she will show strong interest.  Right now she is passive. Your irritation at that fuels it.

It really might work if you give it a little more space and ask her to do things, not be available when she asks you - shift who sets the tempo.