11 mostly smooth years, but lately good days are fewer and fewer with dBPDh

[SweetNSpunky15]

Hi! I am new here. My husband has been diagnosed with BPD. He doesn't take medication or go to therapy for it. He seems pretty self aware about it. We have been together for 11 years, and mostly things go pretty smoothly unless he is really stressed. Which started in November. We we're caring for my sick dad who was pretty brutual to, deal with at times. My dad died November 8the. The next day my husband had a disagreement with his manager about taking time off and he was fired. He later got a job he really does not like. I suffer from anxiety and depression and OCD. I have been an emotional mess since my dad died. Now we are dealing with all this stress plus more. Lately the good days are fewer and fewer. He rages and I get defensive and get my feelings hurt. I guess I am here for support and more education on how to understand his BPD better. He is a great husband and father. We have a perfect 18 month daughter togther. Is there a way we can work through this with both of our mental health issues colliding?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NGU]

Is there a way we can work through this with both of our mental health issues colliding?

Welcome Sweet.

Yes, there are ways to accomplish this. Every couple is different though, so there isn't a single answer.

It will probably include quite a bit of self-introspection for you, getting a handle on how both of you trigger each other, noticing the patterns and learning from them.

What does he do that makes him self aware of his BPD? I ask partly because it will be easier to iron things out if you're both on the same page about improvement. You've been together more than a decade; you might already know whether you can start a discussion about this. Just remember that if you have to do it alone, it's not hopeless.

One part stood out on a second read-through. You said he rages. If you haven't read the criteria for a BPD diagnosis, the list is here. It might be helpful for the group to know what his other related traits are.

You've made your first post and you're motivated. This is a good start.

-ngu

[Speck]

Welcome, SweetNSpunky15!

 

Let me join NGU in welcoming you to the discussion forums. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

I'm sorry to hear that your dad passed. I know that's a hard thing to cope with, along with coping with your husband's job loss and his subsequent unhappiness with his new job.

Is there a way we can work through this with both of our mental health issues colliding?

Yes, absolutely, there is a way. It appears that you have an interest in learning more about BPD, and that's wonderful. I think you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to BPD. The main thing that's wonderful is you will find support for yourself.

Please feel free to post - tell us more about what is going on your life and what, if any, plans you might have for the future. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Radcliff]

SweetNSpunky15,

I'm sorry for the rough place you're in, but am glad you've found us.  This is an excellent place to get support and learn.  Become a regular here -- you'll be glad you did.

You mentioned getting defensive.  This is so easy to do when our pwBPD point their negativity at us, especially if their perception of reality differs from ours.  You can get some very good payback by learning to avoid becoming defensive.  We call it avoiding justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining (JADE).

I am so sorry to hear that you've lost your father.  What kind of support do you have to process the loss and grieve?  Are you in therapy?

WW