Survey: Have you ever been recycled?

[blooming]

Or have you initiated contact yourself (instead of waiting for him/her to do that) after a break-up and found you pwBPD reacting well to it?

It’s been 26 days since our last break-up and our last contact. I did send him a postcard after 3 days thanking hun for everything, but he never replied. I really miss him and I can’t bare the idea of it really being over now, so I was just wondering if there’s any hope for a reconciliation?

Our last break-up conversation was pretty good, he was in a good mood, so he could actually see that his was his fault as well. He had tears falling from his eyes sayinf he could never finish anything, that after max a year he didn’t know how to be happy with someone, that he didn’t know how to be happy with himself either, that he felt lost and couldn’t sleep etc. He also said he was sorry for giving me hope when he wanted to try again since he knew it would be difficult to make it work and he hadn’t realised how much he had hurt me in the process (we tried again twice after our first breakup, initiated by him and ended by him after a few weeks). I regret telling him how much he had hurt and confused me, how it night be best because now I could make my own decisions instead of always thinking about him (he was quite controlling), how I didn’t have to walk on erg Shells any longer. I regret not letting him Kiss me when we parted, because he wanted to but I pulled away. I’m just scared that I scared him off. Now he’s probably already with another, since he can’t be alone at all. I just don’t understand how he isn’t wondering how I’m doing (he knows I’m having a hard time, living with my parents again, seeing a psychologist). I miss him so much.

[pearlsw]

Or have you initiated contact yourself (instead of waiting for him/her to do that) after a break-up and found you pwBPD reacting well to it?

It’s been 26 days since our last break-up and our last contact. I did send him a postcard after 3 days thanking hun for everything, but he never replied. I really miss him and I can’t bare the idea of it really being over now, so I was just wondering if there’s any hope for a reconciliation?

I just don’t understand how he isn’t wondering how I’m doing (he knows I’m having a hard time, living with my parents again, seeing a psychologist). I miss him so much.

Hi blooming,

I hope others will join us here on this thread... .All I can add is that in the early years my "h" and I had breakups as long as 1.5 mo's. I tried the entire time to contact him because there was no reason for him to cut off contact that I knew of, other than he was perhaps emotionally overwhelmed as not as ready for a relationship as he thought he was when we first met. One thing he has always done after his breakups/breakup threats is just show back up as if his words meant nothing and I'd just be there waiting. Any efforts I make to bring up and discuss stuff are usually met with him being so emotionally wounded he can't talk about - he says. This left many things unresolved and me feeling like garbage and it has grown into a terrible cycle I can't seem to break.

It is hard to say if he wonders or not about you, so, my advice from the bench is let it go and don't worry about because you can't control it and it will eat you alive wanting him to react in a way that is like you might. Let it go when/if you can. What do you imagine your psychologist would advise on this issue?

Can you tell us more about the last break-up? That might help deepen the replies here. 

wishing you peace, pearl.

[blooming]

Hi blooming,

I hope others will join us here on this thread... .All I can add is that in the early years my "h" and I had breakups as long as 1.5 mo's. I tried the entire time to contact him because there was no reason for him to cut off contact that I knew of, other than he was perhaps emotionally overwhelmed as not as ready for a relationship as he thought he was when we first met. One thing he has always done after his breakups/breakup threats is just show back up as if his words meant nothing and I'd just be there waiting. Any efforts I make to bring up and discuss stuff are usually met with him being so emotionally wounded he can't talk about - he says. This left many things unresolved and me feeling like garbage and it has grown into a terrible cycle I can't seem to break.

It is hard to say if he wonders or not about you, so, my advice from the bench is let it go and don't worry about because you can't control it and it will eat you alive wanting him to react in a way that is like you might. Let it go when/if you can. What do you imagine your psychologist would advise on this issue?

Can you tell us more about the last break-up? That might help deepen the replies here. 

wishing you peace, pearl.

Thanks for replying pearl!

I haven't tried to contact him because he was the one who broke up with me (for the third time) and who said it didn't work anymore and who said he noticed that he didn't look forward to seeing me anymore or really enjoy my company. I'm just scared that if I contact him he'll tell me how good he's doing or something hurtful and I think that will set me back big time. On the other hand I miss him and miss talking to him a lot.

I think my psychologist would say to let him go, since he's hurt me enough already and the chances of it suddenly working out now are very slim. She says there's no way to please him.

Yeah, I'll give you some back story! My ex (uBPD) and I were together for little over a year. Our relationship was very happy at first, he said how I was so special and that he dared planning in the long term with me (all his other relationships were very on-off so he never really knew if they'd be together in the future or not) because it felt so solid and good and we were very compatible. He was my first boyfriend and also the first person I was intimate with. When we first started dating there were quite a few people warning me about him, because his exes had been really hurt by him. They're relationship with him had been the worst time in their life, he was very manipulative, had abused them emotionally etc etc etc. Those stories didn't match up with the man I was seeing so I chose to ignore them. During our relationship however, I started to understand their stories. He started to become very controlling, suddenly very angry and irritated at me for now reason, manipulating every conversation so that he could blame it on me etc.

In the final month before he broke up with me for the first time I got really ill and was in hospital for a few days. This changed something in him. He was extremely sweet during my illness, sitting by my bedside all the time, but afterwards he got distant. When I was away for the weekend with him I found out that he had downloaded a dating app the week after I got out of hospital and was having a very flirtatious conversation with a girl he had met on that app and had exchanged numbers with, they were messaging eachother about meeting up etc. I had a hard time when I found out. I didn't get angry at him (I'm just someone who never really gets angry at all) but it really broke my trust in him. I was quite emotional and wanted to talk about it a lot with him, trying to understand his behaviour. He couldn't handle this, he didn't show any emotions and started distancing himself even more. After a week he broke up with me.

Then the recycling started. In two months we tried again twice, the first time for two weeks and the second time for three weeks. Both times initiated by him. Both times it was very nice at first, we had a lot of fun and good conversations and did nice things together and it felt like it used to feel. But both times after a week or so he started distancing himself again. Not texting me, not really wanting to meet up, not interested in me in general. And both times after a week or so of that he ended it. I think the difference between the second and third (final) break up is that the third time we had just spent the day together and it hadn't been nice at all. We couldn't really have a conversation, didn't have anything to talk about, it was actually quite awkward. I tried to initiate conversations a lot but he always answered in short sentences and it felt like he really didn't want to be there. I think that day just told him that it didn't work between us anymore. I think it's so weird because only two weeks before that we were having the time of our lives and in between we had hardly seen eachother because I had been away. Also something different in the final break up is that he realised how much the situation was hurting me. I told him I had started seeing a therapist again and that really shocked him. He said that if he had known that he wouldn't have wanted to try again since the chances of it working out this time weren't very big according to him

I just don't understand how his opinion about me could change that quickly and I really regret telling him how bad I felt that final break up cause I really think I scared him away. I just don't understand how I lost him. He himself doesn't understand either by the way. He told me that. It just feels so wrong not having him in my life, although I know he's a very troubled soul with some big psychological problems (I've spoken to two therapists who both think he has BPD).

[Chippy]

Hey,

I'm sorry for your struggles.  I've never heard the term "recycling" used in this way, but it is very fitting, so thank you for that.
This is probably going to be routinely repeated advice, but thats probably because it's true :-)
Just sitting there waiting, wondering what he is doing, and hoping for him to reach out to you isn't going to get you anywhere.  You have some space now, and you can use it for whatever you want/need. You can focus on yourself, learn and grow... .and if he never reaches out to you, then you're already working to heal, or if he does reach out, then you will hopefully be stronger and more able to cope with yourself.

Of course this goes solidly in the "easier said then done" category, and I am have certainly failed at it :-) But like most things, it takes work and practice to get better.

[Skip]

Here is a graphic after 600 votes... .


                  Break-up/make-up cycles



              Single break-up (no recycles) is 10%

A lot of us have recycled... .a lot of us have recycled many times. I think these are not really restarts as much as they as the slow erosion of the relationship.

[blooming]

A lot of us have recycled... .a lot of us have recycled my times. I think these are not really restarts as much as they as he slow erosion of the relationship.

I know! My question was more towards how high the chances are of him recycling me again, because it's all I wish for at the moment.

[blooming]

Hey,

I'm sorry for your struggles.  I've never heard the term "recycling" used in this way, but it is very fitting, so thank you for that.
This is probably going to be routinely repeated advice, but thats probably because it's true :-)
Just sitting there waiting, wondering what he is doing, and hoping for him to reach out to you isn't going to get you anywhere.  You have some space now, and you can use it for whatever you want/need. You can focus on yourself, learn and grow... .and if he never reaches out to you, then you're already working to heal, or if he does reach out, then you will hopefully be stronger and more able to cope with yourself.

Of course this goes solidly in the "easier said then done" category, and I am have certainly failed at it :-) But like most things, it takes work and practice to get better.

Hey Chippy! I see you're new, welcome! You are of course right, the classic advices are good advices most of the time haha. It's just so hard to actually implement that behaviour. Of course I still do all the things I used to do before I met him/while I was with him (except that I'm living with my parents again because I can't cope with being alone or being at the place we share so many memories), but it all just feels very forced. I put on a smile, try to enjoy everything, but it just doesn't feel right. Everything feels wrong without him. But I'm scared of the rejection if I contact him. I'm scared of him saying I'm weak for being so sad about this, scared of him telling me how easily he got over me and how happy he is with his someone new.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey blooming, Are you interested in a recycle if the opportunity should present itself?  If so, many of us, including me, have done it, as Skip's pie graph shows.  Are you thinking that you could have done something or not done something that might have brought about a different result?  If so, that's normal, though it's doubtful you could have changed the outcome when a pwBPD is involved.  When you refer to your "last breakup," does that mean that you have gone through previous breakups?  If so, fill us in when you can.

LuckyJim

[JNChell]

Blooming, please read Skip’s post again. He described recycling perfectly with one word. Erosion. I’ve been through several recycles with more than one of these types. It is shorter lived each time and it gets worse each time. No matter what I did or tried, I couldn’t fix it. Please ask yourself a question. How much pain and loss of self are you willing to endure over having mere moments with this person each time THEY decide that THEY want to be around you again? Your choice is yours. Please be careful and mindful. There are tons of testimonials on this site about those who were recycled. I’m sorry if that was blunt and insensitive, but I’m speaking from experience. Take care.

[Maxpax2011]

I went through 6-10 cycles of break up/make up. Honestly can't remember how many. The first big break up after a year lasted around two months. She dated someone during that time, it didn't work out so she came back. Went another year off and on then I finally ended it last September. Since that break up I finally saw her true colors. Triangulation, the jealousy games, her impulsive sexual behavior, the splitting in full force, she still wanted to see me while she was seeing someone else. I finally got to see BPD in all its horrible glory. I went no contact, haven't heard anything in 6 weeks. The guy she is with is just as volatile as she is, so I have no clue about any timeline on a future recycle. I don't want it nor am I waiting for it. She may or she may not. As much as she hurt me I do feel sorry for her and how her behavior has become more extreme. She drinks more, she's more angry and bitter, with people, cutting off lifelong friends and relatives. Very sad, but has nothing to do with me anymore.

[araneina]

Oh blooming.  I know your pain, I do.  I'm finally crawling out of that hole but gosh did it take a long time.

There is a post on the reddit forum "BPDlovedones" that I think shows us, quite vividly, what a potential future with a BPD partner could look like (to the mods: I'm sorry if this isn't allowed, feel free to modify this post if necessary!):

Brand new username because I'm paranoid (and shouldn't I be?).

To Anyone Trying to Make it Work

You know all those stories you read over and over on this sub - it feels like there are half a dozen new ones each day - of some poor sap saying they've found the love of their life! I've just had the best few months of my life! We would die for each other! We're literally Romeo and Juliet! Cagney and Lacey! Thelma and Louise! But there's just this one thing! It's so dumb and lame and I know I'm being daft and jumping to conclusions but hey guys tell me a success story of a pwBPD because oh yeah I forgot to mention that the love of my life - my person, the perfect being - he/she confided in me that they are BPD but don't worry! THEY ARE GETTING HELP! THEY ARE ON MEDS! I know we can work it out so tell me how did you do it!

Yeah. You know those stories? I'm here - in part - for those people. Please read on, as this is what is in store for you - and there's a good chance you won't even be made aware for many years or decades - only to have the truth hit you like a ton of bricks and literally destroy your life. This isn't a possibility, it is an absolute law. A pwBPD WILL - I repeat - a pwBPD WILL f*ck you over, over and over again, until you are nothing but an empty dry husk. It's as guaranteed as the law of gravity. It might take 20 years. But it will happen. This goes for friends, family, romantic partners. Go no contact and say f*ck the repercussions. There's no life possible that is worse than what a pwBPD can cause you to endure.

Think your pwBPD "isn't that bad"?

Mine is a long and gut-wrenching story. H/s sweethearts, we fell madly in love very quickly (shocker!). Within just a couple months I started to notice (and ignore) what I now recognize as my very first red flags. This mother-f*cker didn't have red flags, he had jumbo-sized blimps trailing football field sized blood-red banners with "RUN THE F*CK AWAY!" in highlighter-yellow block letters with flashing alarm lights.

But boy, is he good at what he does. I'd love to blame it on my young age at the time, or my naivete, or my codependency. But he charms the pants off of everyone he meets (often literally turns out!). He has been diagnosed BPD by a professional and I never doubted it - it immediately made so many things make perfect sense. But I always figured he was "lower" on the spectrum. There were key aspects of the disorder that he didn't exhibit, and he was much more subdued and covert than some of the crazy freak-out stories I see here.

I have news for you guys. A more "functional" pwBPD isn't "lower on the spectrum." They are simply better at manipulating. After everything I've been through, and all the things I've discovered recently, I am convinced he is a true psychopath. No empathy, no love, no feelings, no care in the world for anything but meeting his own needs. Psychopath.

My Story

As I said, h/s sweethearts. We literally grew up together, shaped each other (or so I thought... .it was just him influencing me all along). Obviously, the entire relationship was characterized first and foremost by ups and downs. Over the years his self-loathing manifested in more and more ways, and his incredibly (but oh so subtly!) abusive behavior got progressively worse and harder to ignore. We were together nearly 20 years (married for ~5 hellish years) by the time I finally got the f*ck out.

We had a long separation, partly for logistical reasons, partly because we were both so emotional. I was still wrapped around his finger and I had no clue. He got diagnosed. I learned a lot (I read ALL the things) about BPD, was horrified by it, went through a phase where I didn't trust him (shoulda stayed in that place!) - but then eventually learned to develop a compassion for him and how he ended up the way he is (his story is typical).

After a lot of grieving and processing I knew I would never go back to him. Before then I was in the danger zone and I knew it. All he had to do was say the right things and I was liable to go running back into his arms. But I knew I was too far gone, I was in a much better and more logical place. Since I was immune at that point to his charming, I convinced myself it was okay and maybe even ideal that we continue to be friends throughout the separation and after the divorce. After all, we grew up together. We shaped each other. We shared something so precious and special, and yes he f*cked it up but that's because he is so f*cked up, and needs help. Over the course of our separation he was in therapy. He started acknowledging how badly he treated me, apologizing for specific incidents and laying out exactly why he was wrong. He "hit rock bottom" (which I don't believe now; well it's not that I don't believe it; I just don't necessarily believe or not believe anything that's ever happened if he was at all involved). During his rock bottom - even though we were long-separated, and i was going through the hell of my own grief - guess who was there to support him and reassure him that she knew he never meant to hurt her. Yeah, me. I sat there convinced that the broken-looking, crying, un-showered, tattered, shell of a man was real, and believed him when he said everything came crashing down around him when I left, and that he will live the rest of his life in regret, and that he hates himself for the hurt he can now see he caused me. He was (supposedly!) suicidal in this time and I (or so he led me to believe!) kept him from taking action multiple times during this phase.

This is how I know he has no empathy.

Because he was able to express exactly what he did wrong, under the guise that he gets it now, regrets everything, wishes he could change the past so we can be together. He said all of these things to me, knowing the whole time that he was f*cking half of north america the entire time we were together - including several long-term affairs (one of which is currently ongoing and started years before we separated, and yes the WHORE knew we were married the whole time). The whole f*cking 20 years, all the pain, all the misery, all the exquisitely good times, all the sweet nothings and love letters, promises, broken promises, lies, manipulations, the whole time INCLUDING during his supposed "rock bottom", he was exposing me to disease and hurt.

He's so good at what he does that he managed to keep me just distracted enough on my misery to keep me from asking questions (in fact it never even occurred to me!), but just charmed enough to remain hopeful and continue to love him. And God, did I love him. I loved him with every ounce of my being. I literally sold my soul to the devil. Once he saw I was forever gone romantically, he continued to manipulate me to keep getting whatever supply he could from me. I know this is true because as time goes on, more and more truth comes out. At the same time he was supposedly at rock bottom, he was also f*cking women and bragging about it. The rock bottom version of himself is something only key people - myself, my family, and my close friends - were exposed to. People who weren't directly influencing me to believe he needed me got a perfectly healthy, spiffy version of him who was bragging about his new life of f*cking b*tches and spending money. Some of these people have a conscience, and the truth is eeking out.

And Now for the Living Nightmare

This is a hurt and pain and torture like I've never known or imagined in my deepest darkest nightmares. This isn't just cheating. It's long-term, strategic, intentional abuse.

The entire thing was a lie. Every moment from meeting in my best friend's basement Freshman year of high school until now, two decades later. It was all one big manipulation to get me to stick around as a permanent source of supply. I was literally a rechargeable battery to him.

So that's that. That's all I have in me today. Obviously I'll be going NC as soon as possible, I'm just not ready to face that, I'm bunkered down for a few days licking my wounds first.

Thanks for reading. I hope to God this reaches someone who thinks their pwBPD can get help, be saved. It's not possible. Please, for the love of yourself and everyone who loves you, run.

I know it's dramatic, and I know that not every pwBPD is the same, but... .after all you've been through, why do you want to torture yourself?

I think this being your first relationship and the first man you've ever slept with probably has a lot to do with why you're feeling this way.  My ex was only my second really serious relationship and therefore I don't really have much practice with being broken up with and getting over being in love.  It's a painful learning experience.

[40days_in_desert]

Mine were recycle "attempts" by her. We were together almost 17 years, married 14.5 years with 5 children. Been apart over 2.5 years now. She left and immediately started dating an ex-boyfriend. I fell for the first attempt but not the subsequent 3. We never actually got back together the first time because she never broke it off with her boyfriend. You may have read that every pwBPD and relationship is a little different so my story or others won't be an absolute indicator of what your ex will do.

I noticed that the first recycle happened after I had started to detach from her. It was a year and a half after separation. Then, after I showed that I was "all in" the first time, she withdrew. Over the next 8-9 months, she tried three more times. I told her that I wasn't interested in getting back together for the last three. She would then get angry and then stepped up her attempts to guilt, shame and blame after I showed no interest each time. 

If we didn't have children together, I would have zero contact with her. I couldn't say that a year ago. That statement isn't made out of hate but rather to protect myself. It scares the you know what out of me to even think of being together with her again. 

[Speck]

Hey there, blooming.  I'm both glad and sorry you're here.

Being abruptly abandoned is extremely painful.  Desperately wishing to continue a relationship with someone who has shown you that he doesn't have the capacity to actually love and cherish you is extremely painful.

I'm sorry that you have been left in this state of longing.

I speak from a place of knowing. My uBPDw left me FOUR total times, recycled me three times, and consequently, she will not be given an opportunity to recycle me a fourth time.

Yes, I believed her lies the three times I agreed to reconcile the relationship, but this time, I will not allow her back into my life because doing so would be ridiculously unhealthy for me.  And further, because of the nature of my uBPDw's callous, child-like, and selfish behavior throughout our entire relationship, I have concluded that she doesn't actually have the capacity to love me, therefore, I must love myself.

In sum, it's self-preservation.

I certainly wish my uBPDw well and all the best that life has to offer.  But, she will be enjoying this life waaaaaaaaaay over there (wherever that is for her) and with whomever she desires to do it.  What that may look like for her is no longer my concern.

I hope you find the answers you're seeking.


-Speck

[PaticAttack]

Ok!  So this current R/S, we havent recycled, but I was in a R/S for about 6ish yrs with someone I realized YEARS later is NPD and maybe even BPD.  There were so many breakup (10+, wow), so much push/pull, it was CRAZY!  I havent talked to her in years and she messaged me a few months ago and told me she was sorry and that it took her many years to realize how badly she treated me, WOW! I did not and will not ever respond to her or open the door for any form of contact from her.  It took me years to realize that I was not the messed up one, that my intuition was correct and that I was not crazy.  I told the current pwBPD when we 1st started dating that I would not put up with that sort of R/S again.  We never got to a place where she treated me badly but I also set boundaries.  That may be why she discarded me so quickly.  I still got hurt from it but it didnt fully ruin me. 

[PaticAttack]

Hi, Blooming!  I too wanted a recycle with my most recent BPDex... .So damn bad, I loved her more than I have yet loved another.  I am now about 8 months out of the R/S she has never tried to reach out to me for a recycle, but she is also still with the person she replaced me with.  I am mostly over her and dont have that longing pain for her like i use to.  I still miss the crap out of her though, but I am now at a point where I would be afraid of a recycle, I dont think my heart could handle the discard a 2nd time.  I know everyone says this but you will make it through this and be stronger for it. 

[RandomName]

"He could actually see that his was his fault as well. He had tears falling from his eyes saying he could never finish anything, that after max a year he didn’t know how to be happy with someone, that he didn’t know how to be happy with himself either, that he felt lost and couldn’t sleep etc. He also said he was sorry for giving me hope when he wanted to try again since he knew it would be difficult to make it work and he hadn’t realised how much he had hurt me in the process [... .]"

I'm sorry that you've been through this. It is eerie how closely this matches the last conversation (over text, unfortunately) I had with my ex. She came from left field with it, when things had been improving near Christmas after a third significant recycle -- which itself came after approximately 30 (thirty) mini-recycles, or what I called push-pull switches, in just under three months of dating and then essentially 3 months of not seeing each other after. If it had come at a more appropriate time or had already been a recent topic of conversation I might have been more receptive to her attempt, but she decided to just drop this bomb and flee. It's been nearly 6 weeks of absolutely no contact, because my reaction after I think was the final straw for her. It was too little too late from me and I called her on her behavior in a pretty explicitly detailed way. I have regrets of course and often miss her terribly but am seeing that it would probably never work.   

[crushedagain]

My BPDexgf left me abruptly the first time, moved out on me in one of her freakouts, but immediately called crying within the first 36 hours, apologizing and wanting to try again. I foolishly agreed because I had no idea what I was involved in. I did tell her that I would never take her back if she did it again.

She did the whole "pretend packing her bags" thing to me a number of times over the course of the next year, then finally left with all of her stuff under the guise of a vacation, kissing me goodbye saying she'd be back, then later calling saying things like "I'm not sure I'm coming back" and all sorts of other drama. It was really hurtful, but bizarre at the same time. I quickly tired of the routine and told her it was over and went no contact and I have not spoken to her since. Other than a single, non-personal email, I have never heard from her for 5 months. I do not plan on ever contacting her again.

[savreina]

I was recycled once which was a suprise because we were long distance (3 hours apart) she left her replacement because she still had feelings for me... idk if I’ll be recycled again due to some drama & the really mean things I said to her. I still think about her & listen to “our” songs... I know that when she gets in a relationship with someone else mostly likely a guy I’ll be relieved even tho I know it won’t last long because she uses men as a cover up because she won’t come out of the closet to her family . I don’t feel sadness anymore, just thankful that the feelings are fading away