Is to too later for a 62 year old codependent widower of of wife who had BPD?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I don't even know where to start with this but here goes.
My wife of over 40 years passed away last month (on by 62nd Birthday) from a Pulmonary embolism, while still in the hospital, the week following her fourth hernia repair surgery.  We have two sons, one 20, the other 40.  The 20 yr. old was diagnosed with Social anxiety disorder a few years back following a suicide attempt and is still struggling.  My older son and I had a long talk with me after her passing, about therapy he received about 10 years ago.  His therapist felt certain his mom (my wife) had BPD and he himself had suffered from Social anxiety and other issues since he was a child.  I had not heard of BPD until then, but have been studying since and am absolutely convinced that was true.  I also convinced that I myself am in fact am a codependent enabler as I shared the same and more severe troubles in my adolescence as both of my sons have (possible an ASD).
My wife had as still has a mother with extreme BPD and now Alzheimers to go along with it.  Her husband finally committed suicide a year ago Thanksgiving following one her three day melt downs.  She is lucky to have three sons to help out but her BPD is worse than ever now.  I don't know how they have kept their sanity.
My wife and I grew up across the street from each other since out early teens, both kids of soldiers, but never had much to do with one another until I briefly dated a girlfriend of hers.  She suddenly found be irresistible and we eloped as I was moving away to start a new job soon.  She was 18, I was 21.  I wasn't immediately attracted to her, but her attachment filled a long lonely void I have suffered with my whole life.  I noticed early on that she had the rapid, irrational, polar mood swings that her mom did but she always soon returned to her normal adoring self.  One year later we had our first child and in many ways, what seems like a normal loving family.  I was the strong one when she had her melt downs, which reassured her and gave me a sense of importance (At least I felt less messed up than her).
Many things happened over the next 40 years, including a 13 year chronic medical nightmare for her (too many others to tell for now) but the stress was really getting to the whole family and I told her we would talk of separating after she recovered from this last fifteenth surgery.  She just didn't make it through this one though!
Both of our son's have had surprisingly little obvious response to her passing, I am lost, overwhelmed and don't know what to do with my 20 year old who still lives at my home (mostly with his girlfriend there) and shows little desire for independence.  I get angry at her, but still mourn and grieve for her loss (can't live with her, can't live without her).  I don't expect to be able to fix me at this point in my life, but my younger son needs help that I don't know how to give him.  I have tried to reason with him that I could be gone as unexpectedly as his mom and he would be left helpless if he doesn't start to grow up.  So far, it hasn't sunk in that I can tell.
I think I am starting to crack up!

[Mr.T]

I don't even know where to start with this but here goes.
My wife of over 40 years passed away last month (on by 62nd Birthday) from a Pulmonary embolism, while still in the hospital, the week following her fourth hernia repair surgery.  We have two sons, one 20, the other 40.  The 20 yr. old was diagnosed with Social anxiety disorder a few years back following a suicide attempt and is still struggling.  My older son and I had a long talk with me after her passing, about therapy he received about 10 years ago.  His therapist felt certain his mom (my wife) had BPD and he himself had suffered from Social anxiety and other issues since he was a child.  I had not heard of BPD until then, but have been studying since and am absolutely convinced that was true.  I also convinced that I myself am in fact am a codependent enabler as I shared the same and more severe troubles in my adolescence as both of my sons have (possible an ASD).
My wife had as still has a mother with extreme BPD and now Alzheimers to go along with it.  Her husband finally committed suicide a year ago Thanksgiving following one her three day melt downs.  She is lucky to have three sons to help out but her BPD is worse than ever now.  I don't know how they have kept their sanity.
My wife and I grew up across the street from each other since out early teens, both kids of soldiers, but never had much to do with one another until I briefly dated a girlfriend of hers.  She suddenly found be irresistible and we eloped as I was moving away to start a new job soon.  She was 18, I was 21.  I wasn't immediately attracted to her, but her attachment filled a long lonely void I have suffered with my whole life.  I noticed early on that she had the rapid, irrational, polar mood swings that her mom did but she always soon returned to her normal adoring self.  One year later we had our first child and in many ways, what seems like a normal loving family.  I was the strong one when she had her melt downs, which reassured her and gave me a sense of importance (At least I felt less messed up than her).
Many things happened over the next 40 years, including a 13 year chronic medical nightmare for her (too many others to tell for now) but the stress was really getting to the whole family and I told her we would talk of separating after she recovered from this last fifteenth surgery.  She just didn't make it through this one though!
Both of our son's have had surprisingly little obvious response to her passing, I am lost, overwhelmed and don't know what to do with my 20 year old who still lives at my home (mostly with his girlfriend there) and shows little desire for independence.  I get angry at her, but still mourn and grieve for her loss (can't live with her, can't live without her).  I don't expect to be able to fix me at this point in my life, but my younger son needs help that I don't know how to give him.  I have tried to reason with him that I could be gone as unexpectedly as his mom and he would be left helpless if he doesn't start to grow up.  So far, it hasn't sunk in that I can tell.
I think I am starting to crack up!

[steelwork]

Mr. T, what an epic ordeal--and how brave you are to confront everything. I will leave it to wiser members to respond more thoroughly, but

 

What do you mean when you say you don't expect to be able to fix yourself? Maybe fixing is the wrong goal, Mr. T. What about understanding yourself and having compassion for yourself?

Have you seen a therapist? What support is available to you?

-steelwork

[Mutt]

Hi Mr. T,



Id like to join steelwork and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry for your loss.

I have tried to reason with him that I could be gone as unexpectedly as his mom and he would be left helpless if he doesn't start to grow up.  So far, it hasn't sunk in that I can tell.
I think I am starting to crack up!

I’m glad that you decided to join others like you it helps to talk. You’re not alone I completely understand how overwhelming it feels when we’re feeling distressed. The death of your wife their mom is going to affect your sons too not to mention it happened only a month ago. It’s going to take time to grieve a 40 year marriage and everyone grieves differently maybe your getting some of that from your son.

What does your son not understand? Have sought help from a T ( Therapist )