New relationship, and she is shutting down on me.

[kookoo]

Hi, This is my first post!

I have known my BPD partner for 18 years, the longest she has reportedly kept anyone in her life. To give a brief background-we had on off encounters over a few years, and she would always go quiet after-so I just left her to it. We have re hooked up after she said she wanted sex, but said she woudl not leave her current partner of 12 years. As we spent more time chatting, my partner realised that her feelings for me were deeper than she thought. This made her poanic about leaving her partner, and cited him being dependent on her as a reason not to leave. She says she isnt fulfilled, and I dont think they slpee together. After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing we decided to trust each pother. She is in a stable therapeutic relationship, and has been steady for a few years, but acknowledges that she has slept with other people-just sex-but feels she cant do that with me. We started to see each other, but she wouldnt sleep with me, as she felt she would be waay too involved to be able to lie to her partner. so she has asked for space recently to 'decide whwat I need to do, without complications of feelinsg for others, and doi what I need to do'. Also later stating that it is 'slowly, slowly sinking in that she is ready to may be think about leaving that relationship'. Sh is also insightful of her previous relationship patterns, and doesnt want to leave him for me, and feel that she has done the wrong thing. So from a non BPD its a minefield of emotions. To her, I get some of the fears, anxities etc. We have dealt with a few tricky days of  emotions. We agreed to stay in contact at a distance. However, she has become more erratic and is pushing me away. I have a background in mental health, (I know I cant fix or rescue her). I am trying to be calm, and empathic, but also recoognise push/pull cycles . On the whole she has communicated her needs well, and has said that the feelings for me are there, but she is trying to ignore them. I dont want to leave-reinforcing her abandonment issues-I dont want to pressure her to leave-I have never suggested this. But we acknowledge that we have feelings, and that these are challenging for her. Any help r suggestions would be good, because at the moment, she is sutting down on me. Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Hello kookoo,

You said she has asked for space, and is now pushing you away.  Yes, push-pull is a part of BPD, but leaving a 12 year relationship is a serious thing, so asking for some time to work through it does not sound unusual.  What are your feelings about giving her some space?

WW

[kookoo]

Hi Wentworth, Thanks for your reply. I completely undertsand the situation she is in, and how overwhelming it is, so I have agreed to give her space, with the assurance of being here when she is ready to talk. I think I want to be able to support her well, but keep my own feelings in check. We will see how it go's. I have found the tools here useful, after all, she has been my friend for 18 years, andI will always be her friend.I am trying to validate her feelings, and be empathic, we have already been able to manage a few tricky days with this-due to overwhelming of her feelings and diffoculties about knowing her feelings for current partner-she never dissess him, and I have said work it out with him, if thats what she needs. I think its a case of her recognising that she has 'adapted herself' for whoever she has been with in her life. I worry about the push pull cycle, and wonder whether the need for space is a way of testing me? I am aware of the BPD issue, as well as the fact that she has strong feelings for me, and feels torn.We will see what happens with space and time.

[Radcliff]

kookoo, that is good that you are giving her the space that she asked for, and that you value your long friendship with her.  You asked if the push-pull was her way to test you.  Let me ask you a question.  Do you see her figuring out whether to stay or go in her current relationship, thinking only about that relationship, and then if she leaves, recovering from it and thinking about what she wants in her next relationship, and potentially exploring that with you?  Or do you see her looking at her current relationship and a potential relationship with you and making a decision between the two possibilities?  I'm not trying to tilt you towards one or the other here, but asking what your thoughts are.

WW

[kookoo]

Hi Wentworth, she has recently made the decsison to stay with her oartner, but it sounds like its fear of change. I have told her I respect that, and then we have had a few weeks of her saying she wanted space, then friendship, and then finally, 'Leave me alone', and unfriended me on Facebook... its confusing, and sad, as I dont want to lose our friendship, the longest she has ever had... .

[kookoo]

The other bits of useful information are: A few weeks before she needed space, she said she was 'preparing her mind and her house to leave her partner, but was taking time to work it out'... .thus holding me there. She also said 'lets be friends', then suddenly went quiet, and when I asked what was going on, she said 'I am enjoying space'... .all the while leaving me to figure out what was going on! She was initially so open. During periods of undefined 'space;. I sent re assuring, validating stuff, tht I understood, and that I was there for her... but then she said the messages were 'too much', and then just distanced off, until rapiudly unfriending me... .do I reach out. Its the dilema of seen to be abandoning her of I hear her plea to 'leave her alone' She also said that 'I should find myself a good, pure relationship', and that she 'didnt want to hurt me' Is she pushing me away from her fears? Just so confused... .

[Radcliff]

kookoo,

When we understand that someone has BPD, and we learn how to better work with them given their limitations, a trap we can fall into is trying to figure out "what's really going on."  Sometimes we mess up, and make things worse.  Sometimes we get good at it, but that's bad, too -- we can end up figuring out how to make the world work for someone who isn't clearly communicating -- we are doing their work for them, and inevitably we pay for it down the road, and they pay for it, too, because they don't develop necessary life skills.

When in doubt, play it straight.  Let's assume she doesn't have BPD for a minute.  She asked for space, but you kept sending her messages.  She said they were too much, and unfriended you to enforce that boundary.  That actually sounds pretty healthy.  She might have wanted space to figure out her current relationship, or to protect you, or both.  Unfriending you may have been easy for her, but it might have been hard for her.  She may have done it to protect you.  Her desire for you to find a "pure" relationship when she is committed elsewhere may be an act of genuine friendship.  If you want to respect her as a mature adult, I am not sure I see any way other than to follow her wishes on this.  Perhaps someday she may be free for a relationship, and your best shot is to respect her boundaries today, which will likely increase her respect for you.

I'm finding myself being a little more definitive than I like to be in replies like this.  Let me know how these thoughts sit with you, and what your thoughts are.

WW

[kookoo]

Hi Wentworth,

I think that she gave a green light to be friends and communicate, then suddenly decided she wanted more space without discussing this, eg I had to find out, and then, in hindsight, I can see how she felt I was messaging her when she didnt need it. I shared some of our messaging with a friend, who said they coulkd see how I was confused, and getting mixed signals. I know there isnt anything I can do now, it hurts, because I feel I mucked up, by trying to understand the 'push/pull', fear of abandonment, and didnt really just hear her, so I ended up invalidating her... .and that feels rubbish... .in the midst of her /space/lets be friends, she text me in the early hours, something she doesnt usually do, and said 'Sorry for being difficult'... that really plucked at my heart strings... .I have sent her a text to say that I was 'sorry'. I didnt feel the need to have a big discussion about it, so I didnt overwhelm her... .

[Radcliff]

kookoo,

Yes, that sounds really difficult.  Confusion in those situations, where our heart is hanging out there, really is terrible!  And 18 years is a long time.  We can't make new old friends!

There's no easy way to make that pain go away, but one way to stay a little better off is to make sure you don't have all of your eggs in one basket.  What does your support system look like?  It sounds like you've got one friend good enough to get a second opinion on those texts, so it's good to have that support.  What about other family or friends?  Any activities or fun things you can put some more energy into?

WW