The Gift Rule

[Mrb87]

So my BPDbf made a rule in the relationship that we are not allowed to give each other gives. The reason this rule was created is because I would eventually end up taking anything back i gave him when he messed thing up. i bought him soo many things not even paying attention to the fact that i was getting nothing in return or even treated respectfully. i would buy him things for his birthday, parties, things to spice up the relationship, and anniversaries. Those things would be forgotten about, not appreciated, or taken and never seen again then he would ask for more. I took all that back when i found out he was cheating on me and using those gift with other people. Since he had nothing to take back from me so he made a "gifting rule" to fix the problem. the gifting rule was so we would have nothing to take back if we got into a fight and so the other person wont feel pressure to give the other person something back. i told him he was trying to distract me from the real problem and that was his cheating. But i followed through with the rule because it saves me money and in the end of all of that i sold his stuff back and made my money back. Instead of gifting he said we can only take each other out to eat on special occasions. i said " fine but you are tearing this relationship down and breaking it into nothing and it for no reason". Like i said im very independent and im not use to him getting anything at all so there was nothing for me to miss. My way is "if i cant afford it at the moment i wont get or ill save for it". on his side he is still asking me for things, then ill have to remind him every time about the rule he made. Then he'll get upset and bring the past into the future about how things never go his way and this has been happening since his childhood. NOw hes it getting frustrating for me because it happening TOO offend. hes asked me to get him something for his trip to hawaii then ill remind him about the rule, he'll ask me what i will get him for valentines day then ill remind him about the rule again, its everyday. Then his manipulation will come out when he says things like " you never get me anything" "who can i ask that will by me something hmmmmmm" "what are you getting me for vday again ughhhh". I holdinging very strong and im not gonna get him anything anymore and im satisfied with what i have so ill never ask him for anything. but him asking all the time is gonna make me blow a fuse pretty soon. i know he trying to make me think hes gotten me something for valentines day. but i know it will be just like in the past where i show up with something really care and nice and he will show up empty handed.

Any feedback on the topic?

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[isilme]

I will probably sound a bit jaded today, not in the best of moods myself, but it's his rule - you're just going along with it.

And, if he's cheating on you, or not contrite/apologetic about it, he isn't really "gift-worthy" anyway, is he?

I have always been a gifter, even if I spent my last 5 bucks on cake mix to bake H a cake for his birthday because it was all I could do.  Early on, he was a terrible gifter.  He'd "forget".  He'd offer weird things to me that felt to me like afterthoughts and challenges to the idea "it's the thought that counts."  So when I'd end up with a clearance costume jewelry necklace that I believe was under $1 in cost for him, when I'd bought him video games or other more substantial things, I was not sure how o take it. 

About 10 years back, he got better at gifting and actually tries, for the most part, these days.  I think a lot of his initial issues were that he perceives rejects at all times, even when it's not present, and so her believed gifts would be rejected so why bother?  He's always been of the mind of "why try if I will/might fail?"

In your case, it sounds a bit to me like you are a sugar-So, simply expected to dish it out and get nothing in return and like it.  Again, I am not in a  great mood and so my interpretation could be suffering today, but HE made the rule of no gifts.  You are just "respecting the relationship boundary he set."  IM somewhat snarky-today O. 

[ArleighBurke]

Hmmm... .making a BPD responsibile for what they say. Guarenteed to annoy them!

(My ex would try to change rules after she set them. So "No gifts" becomes "what i meant was no EXPENSIVE gifts", which them becomes "what I meant was not expensive gifts for no reason - but birthdays are ok"... .)

[xyz-Girl]

I will probably sound a bit jaded today, not in the best of moods myself, but it's his rule - you're just going along with it.

And, if he's cheating on you, or not contrite/apologetic about it, he isn't really "gift-worthy" anyway, is he?

I have always been a gifter, even if I spent my last 5 bucks on cake mix to bake H a cake for his birthday because it was all I could do.  Early on, he was a terrible gifter.  He'd "forget".  He'd offer weird things to me that felt to me like afterthoughts and challenges to the idea "it's the thought that counts."  So when I'd end up with a clearance costume jewelry necklace that I believe was under $1 in cost for him, when I'd bought him video games or other more substantial things, I was not sure how o take it. 

About 10 years back, he got better at gifting and actually tries, for the most part, these days.  I think a lot of his initial issues were that he perceives rejects at all times, even when it's not present, and so her believed gifts would be rejected so why bother?  He's always been of the mind of "why try if I will/might fail?"

In your case, it sounds a bit to me like you are a sugar-So, simply expected to dish it out and get nothing in return and like it.  Again, I am not in a  great mood and so my interpretation could be suffering today, but HE made the rule of no gifts.  You are just "respecting the relationship boundary he set."  IM somewhat snarky-today O. 

I absolutely agree with Isilme here. I would definitely mention how you feel about this, you don't want to blow up and create a fight that could end up really bad. At a time where you guys are in good terms and having fun, i would try to mention it to him and express that you are following the rules, that maybe at the beginning you felt uncomfortable with it bc you are a giver, but then with time you realized it was the best decision he could have made, so now whenever he is asking you for stuff again, it really bothers you bc you are not going to get him more gifts, so you will appreciate if he would think before asking you for stuff. I think it needs to be communicated before it becomes a real problem between you guys, for your own sake, right? he should be considerate of you feeling uncomfortable with his asking for gifts.

Good luck!

[Mrb87]

Well I took care of the cheating problem separately and he is following the boundaries I have for that. I'm not a sugar  I was just doing what I thought was normal in a relationship.  But it turns out a person with BPD didn't know how to handle that.

I know it's annoying him. Lol. But I think it helps him reflect a tiny tiny bit on his contradicting behaviors

[Mrb87]

Xyz-girl thank you! That was a great suggestion. I will definitely make him aware of how I feel along with reminding him of the rule he created the next best opportunity I have with him.