Abandoning her son?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've gone NC with my uBPD ex-gf for a while now. I do miss her, but I also miss her son (12). I know that she's had a series of relationships since her divorce all of which have ended and some of her exes never talk to her. I'm friends with her ex-husband and he has told me that their son absolutely loved me and really wanted his mom and I to work out and wanted to live with us when we were planning to live together. I feel as if in a way by going NC with his mom I'm also abandoning him and feel absolutely terrible about it. It's not his fault that his mom has the issues that she does (I started detaching right when she began the devaluing process and ended the relationship with her mom right at the end of the initial 10 month idealization phase). I do miss her but I know that our relationship will never work out. I've told her that we needed to go NC because it was healthiest for us to do that. My daughter doesn't miss my ex-gf (although she misses that little family life we had together when things were good), but I have a feeling her son might be experiencing similar abandonment issues that his mom goes through. I've gone skiing with his dad, his dad's fiance and him once since the breakup (he ended up hanging out with me the entire time we were on the slopes). When my ex found out that I had gone skiing with them she lost it and went off on me (idk what she said to her ex-husband). His dad hasn't reached out to me since skiing to schedule a time to do things together. I was wondering if I should schedule more time with his dad to let the son know (through my actions) that although his mom and I didn't work out, I haven't abandoned him. His mother already models very poor parenting behavior with him (such as sleeping in the same bed as him, spooning him and watching TV, scheduling his entire day when he's with him, taking him out to fancy dinner and movies where she holds his hands and constantly tells him that he's handsome, etc) so I want to make sure that I don't contribute to his developmental issues (which I'm sure he will have a lot of). I still love the kid.

[Heartachex2]

I've gone NC with my uBPD ex-gf for a while now. I do miss her, but I also miss her son (12). I know that she's had a series of relationships since her divorce all of which have ended and some of her exes never talk to her. I'm friends with her ex-husband and he has told me that their son absolutely loved me and really wanted his mom and I to work out and wanted to live with us when we were planning to live together. I feel as if in a way by going NC with his mom I'm also abandoning him and feel absolutely terrible about it. It's not his fault that his mom has the issues that she does (I started detaching right when she began the devaluing process and ended the relationship with her mom right at the end of the initial 10 month idealization phase). I do miss her but I know that our relationship will never work out. I've told her that we needed to go NC because it was healthiest for us to do that. My daughter doesn't miss my ex-gf (although she misses that little family life we had together when things were good), but I have a feeling her son might be experiencing similar abandonment issues that his mom goes through. I've gone skiing with his dad, his dad's fiance and him once since the breakup (he ended up hanging out with me the entire time we were on the slopes). When my ex found out that I had gone skiing with them she lost it and went off on me (idk what she said to her ex-husband). His dad hasn't reached out to me since skiing to schedule a time to do things together. I was wondering if I should schedule more time with his dad to let the son know (through my actions) that although his mom and I didn't work out, I haven't abandoned him. His mother already models very poor parenting behavior with him (such as sleeping in the same bed as him, spooning him and watching TV, scheduling his entire day when he's with him, taking him out to fancy dinner and movies where she holds his hands and constantly tells him that he's handsome, etc) so I want to make sure that I don't contribute to his developmental issues (which I'm sure he will have a lot of). I still love the kid.

[JNChell]

I've told her that we needed to go NC because it was healthiest for us to do that

I empathize. The thing is, by staying in contact with her exes family behind her back is not NC. I understand that you love her Son, but you have to let him go along with your ex. How did your ex find out that you went skiing with her ex husband? I have no doubt that her Son adored you, but you’re not in that position anymore.

I imagine that your exes Son’s Father caught hell upon your ex finding out that you went on a trip with him. Think about the behavior you dealt with while with her. He shares a child with her. I imagine the fallout wasn’t pretty.

It’s time to focus on you and to let that go.

[Mutt]

Hi Heartachex2,

I agree with JNChell that you’re not responsible for her kid now that you’re not together as haragas that sounds. He is 12 you know the dad I would maybe explain to him that he’s not the reason why his mom and you aren’t together. I had a SD and i felt like was grieving more than just the r/s with her mom I was grieving my r/s with SD too.

I just wanted to say that NC is self direction for yourself because your ex is certainly not going to stop directing abusive behaviour towards you until she gets help and is healthier in r/s’s you have a right to protect yourself.

[Heartachex2]

I've told her that we needed to go NC because it was healthiest for us to do that

I empathize. The thing is, by staying in contact with her exes family behind her back is not NC. I understand that you love her Son, but you have to let him go along with your ex. How did your ex find out that you went skiing with her ex husband? I have no doubt that her Son adored you, but you’re not in that position anymore.

I imagine that your exes Son’s Father caught hell upon your ex finding out that you went on a trip with him. Think about the behavior you dealt with while with her. He shares a child with her. I imagine the fallout wasn’t pretty.

It’s time to focus on you and to let that go.

JNChell,
I can't imagine what her ex-husband went through. His fiance and I work together and she said that they really want to hang out with me because they love me, but aren't sure how my ex-gf/his ex-wife will respond. Also they've chatted about how much the son misses me. It's really heart breaking.

[Heartachex2]

Hi Heartachex2,

I agree with JNChell that you’re not responsible for her kid now that you’re not together as haragas that sounds. He is 12 you know the dad I would maybe explain to him that he’s not the reason why his mom and you aren’t together. I had a SD and i felt like was grieving more than just the r/s with her mom I was grieving my r/s with SD too.

I just wanted to say that NC is self direction for yourself because your ex is certainly not going to stop directing abusive behaviour towards you until she gets help and is healthier in r/s’s you have a right to protect yourself.

Mutt,
It is very hard especially since I work with his father's fiance. We see each other daily and she wants her ex-husband, her and the son want to hang out with me. I haven't scheduled anything because I don't want my ex-gf to go off on both her ex-husband and me.

[JNChell]

It is heartbreaking. I had to leave behind a little girl. My Son’s half sister. I’m not part of her life anymore.

You’re free to see who you want to see. This sounds like something you should be very mindful of, if not all out careful. Are you familiar with triangulation?

Listen to Mutt. He’s got years of experience with this stuff under his belt. This sounds like a very touchy situation. Your ex’s S12 is the innocent one in the mix. How do you think a toxic conflict between all involved would fare for him?

[Mutt]

Does the fiancée know how difficult your ex can be? It sounds like a kind gesture you know her better than we do on the boards. I think that maybe she’s trying to fix things? I’d worry about how your ex might go off on S12. Maybe what I would say to the fiancée is that you’re not ready because you need more time which isn’t far from the truth. Your ex will need a cooling down period too. I’d give it some thought. If it were me I’d grieve the r/s, i know that it’s hard.

[Heartachex2]

It is heartbreaking. I had to leave behind a little girl. My Son’s half sister. I’m not part of her life anymore.

You’re free to see who you want to see. This sounds like something you should be very mindful of, if not all out careful. Are you familiar with triangulation?

Listen to Mutt. He’s got years of experience with this stuff under his belt. This sounds like a very touchy situation. Your ex’s S12 is the innocent one in the mix. How do you think a toxic conflict between all involved would fare for him?

JNChell,
You're right. I can't imagine what she'll do to him. I have never seen her lose her temper on him. She spoils the heck out of him. Treats him like her husband.

[Heartachex2]

Does the fiancée know how difficult your ex can be? It sounds like a kind gesture you know her better than we do on the boards. I think that maybe she’s trying to fix things? I’d worry about how your ex might go off on S12. Maybe what I would say to the fiancée is that you’re not ready because you need more time which isn’t far from the truth. Your ex will need a cooling down period too. I’d give it some thought. If it were me I’d grieve the r/s, i know that it’s hard.

Mutt,
She does know how difficult my ex can be. She's engaged to my ex's ex-husband. Poor guy still suffers through her temper tantrums. His fiance constantly complains when people in our department are having lunch with what my ex-gf is doing to her ex-husband.