Help. My sister has BPD and I'm raising her daughter

[edomla]

(First, sorry for my english, it is not my first langage!  )

Hello!
I'm so happy I found this discussion board, because I feel so lonely sometimes... .

My older sister has BPD (with other issues like depression, anxiety & drug addiction). It has been a nightmare for our family since a couple of years.
Let's just say she lies (all the time), she's aggressive and she manipulate a lot. Of course she thinks WE are the problem.
You know what I'm talking about... .

I've never been close to her, even when we were kids, and I wish I could cut her out of my life for good, but I can't.
I can't, because she has a daughter (5yo) and I've been raising him for the last 4 years because she can't.
I have legal custody of him, but she still has visit rights (even though she didn't come visit since january 2017).

After a whole year without seeing her, she called me yesterday asking to meet her. She wants to talk to me.
In the past year, she's been admitted to the hospital at least 4-5 times for suicide attempts, she stole thousands of $ from my mom (and my mom almost made a depression after that), she made my parent's life a hell... .

Anyways... .Is someone else in the same situation? Raising their nephew/niece and having to stay connected with a sibling with BPD, living with fear and anxiety because they are so unpredictable?
I'd love to connect with you, because nobody around me fully understand what it is like.


Also, if you have tips or recommandation for our meeting, it would be great. Right now I'm thinking:
- Set meeting limit to 30 minutes
- Explain I won't answer her demands right away (for example if she ask to see her son soon. I want to take time to think about it and come back with an answer later)

Someone suggested to come to the meeting with someone (my best friend is a social worker), but I don't know if that would make it worst... .

Thank you so much for your help... .

[Kwamina]

Hi again edomla

(First, sorry for my english, it is not my first langage!   )

Don't worry about it, English also isn't my first language. We have an international board here. I'm actually a native parrot speaker!

Your sister's behavior unfortunately does sound quite problematic. Has she been officially diagnosed with BPD and do you feel she really acknowledges her issues?

After a whole year without seeing her, she called me yesterday asking to meet her. She wants to talk to me.

Did you talk to her on the phone or did she just leave a voice message? Did your sister give any specifics about why she wants to see you now?

Also, if you have tips or recommandation for our meeting, it would be great. Right now I'm thinking:
- Set meeting limit to 30 minutes
- Explain I won't answer her demands right away (for example if she ask to see her son soon. I want to take time to think about it and come back with an answer later)

Someone suggested to come to the meeting with someone (my best friend is a social worker), but I don't know if that would make it worst... .

My advice would be to ask yourself some questions:
- Do you really want to meet your sister?
- Why do or don't you want to meet your sister?
- Did/do you feel safe around your sister?
- If you were to meet her, what can you do to keep yourself safe?
- What are the steps you can take to minimize the likelihood of drama or conflict occurring and maximize the likelihood of you getting through to her?

If setting a time limit and/or having someone else present would make you feel safe/more comfortable, this might be a wise thing to consider. Protecting yourself and preserving your own well-being is crucial. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is very important indeed.

Not answering demands right away seems a very good strategy. This is from our article about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG):
":)on’t respond the moment a demand is made. Give yourself time to think and assess the matter.  We want to respond - not react."

And also:
":)o not defend or explain your decision or yourself in response to pressure. Use phrases like "I’m sorry you are so upset. I can understand how you might see it that way." Without fuel from you, the controller's attempts that worked so well in the past will fizzle. Choose time and place carefully. Lay down conditions for the meeting, announce a decision and stand by it – offer a suggestion that they not respond immediately. Anticipate their answers. Practice or role play. Consider how to respond to the person’s: Catastrophic predictions and threats, name-calling, labeling and negative judgments. The deadly whys and hows – demanding explanations and a rationale for your decision. For silent angry people, stay non-defensive."

You can read more here:
Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

To help you communicate with your sister, it can be very helpful to go through the various communication techniques described on this site such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. Are you perhaps already familiar with these techniques? They can help you minimize the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of you getting through to your sister.

Here are some links:

S.E.T.: Signal Support, Show Empathy, Offer Truth

D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

Take care and welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

[edomla]

thank so much for your quick reply. It's so helpful... .I've been feeling so lonely facing this situation for all those years... .And for the first time I feel like I might have found a community of people who might understand... .

Your sister's behavior unfortunately does sound quite problematic. Has she been officially diagnosed with BPD and do you feel she really acknowledges her issues?

Yes she has been officially diagnosed.
I think she's using her issues when she needs it ("oh, that's not my fault I'm BPD!", but she does nothing to change or feel better.

Did you talk to her on the phone or did she just leave a voice message? Did your sister give any specifics about why she wants to see you now?

I didn't answer the phone so she left a voice message. She just saif she wants to meet to "explain" some things to me. I'm pretty sure it's about "why" she hasn't come visit her child in a whole year.
Maybe she also want to start seing her daughter again. I don't know about that.

My advice would be to ask yourself some questions:
- Do you really want to meet your sister?
- Why do or don't you want to meet your sister?
- Did/do you feel safe around your sister?
- If you were to meet her, what can you do to keep yourself safe?
- What are the steps you can take to minimize the likelihood of drama or conflict occurring and maximize the likelihood of you getting through to her?

- No! (But I kinda "have to" since she still has legal rights to see her child and if she wants to talk about that I cannot ignore her)
- She makes me anxious, I don't know how, but she always to manage to manipulate me into thinking I'M doing something wrong. And to be honest my life is so much better when she's not around!
- No.
- I'll meet her in a coffeeshop. I'll ask my friend to be around if I need help.
- I think I need to set boundaries before the meeting (time limit, not answering demands, and etc.)

THANK YOU so much for the links. I'll read everything very carefuly! You are amazing!

[Kwamina]

You're welcome!

When it comes to BPD, knowledge truly is power and going through the resources and reading other people's stories, can be very helpful.

Since you don't feel safe around her, taking precautionary measures seems very wise indeed.

- I'll meet her in a coffeeshop. I'll ask my friend to be around if I need help.
- I think I need to set boundaries before the meeting (time limit, not answering demands, and etc.)

This sounds like a very good plan to me

You are not alone

[HappyChappy]

Hi Edomla,
 
Firstly you English is better than most on here, so no worries there. Secondly well done brining up your niece, that must be very difficult for you. Do you have support ? I.e. people to baby sit when you need a break ? I appreciate how loanly it can be, in that the BPD thing is difficult for outsiders to understand. But be assured pretty much everyone on this forum that post, appears to understand. Someone with BPD has set patterns of behaviour, so as odd as their behaviour may seem, someone on here will probably have experienced something similar. So welcome, and feel free to post as often as is helpful. Kawanie has given you some excellent advise, I would not disagree with anything he’s said.

The coffee shop meeting idea is good. A BPD will be inhibited by having people they don’t know around. Bringing your friend may be seen as a blockage they can get around so maybe your friend could call you from somewhere like next door, and you could let them know if you need back up ? Is the request to meet you, or will she be pushing for you to bring your adopted daughter ?

I was brought up by a BPD / NPD combo. I ran away from home and some, I would have loved for there to be someone like you to bring me up. I remember asking a teacher how to go about getting adopted, they didn't take me seriously. I got C-PTSD from my childhood and my sister got eating disorders. Both common to children of BPDm.

So if you sister has not made any contact since January 2017, that does not suggest the love a child needs to thrive.  So keep up the good work. Your BPD sister is unlikely to appreciate this, but most people will. So keep up the good work. Best of luck.   

[edomla]

Hello HappyChappy,

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I'm so grateful. For the first time in years, I feel like other people can understand what I'm going through.

Secondly well done brining up your niece, that must be very difficult for you. Do you have support ? I.e. people to baby sit when you need a break ? I appreciate how loanly it can be, in that the BPD thing is difficult for outsiders to understand. But be assured pretty much everyone on this forum that post, appears to understand. Someone with BPD has set patterns of behaviour, so as odd as their behaviour may seem, someone on here will probably have experienced something similar. So welcome, and feel free to post as often as is helpful. Kawanie has given you some excellent advise, I would not disagree with anything he’s said.

Yes I do have support. We live with my boyfriend and his son, and he's really involved -he's like a real father to my niece! I'm so lucky!

The coffee shop meeting idea is good. A BPD will be inhibited by having people they don’t know around. Bringing your friend may be seen as a blockage they can get around so maybe your friend could call you from somewhere like next door, and you could let them know if you need back up ? Is the request to meet you, or will she be pushing for you to bring your adopted daughter ?

You are right, I think I'll ask my friend to be around and I'll call him only if I need help. I'll feel secure knowing he's just next door!

And she only wants to meet me. I would not bring my niece even if she asks for her. If she wants to see her again, it would have to be very very gradualy. To make sure her daughter won't get attached to quickly, because her mother will probably disappear again (she did that so many times, it's not even a surprise).

I was brought up by a BPD / NPD combo. I ran away from home and some, I would have loved for there to be someone like you to bring me up. I remember asking a teacher how to go about getting adopted, they didn't take me seriously. I got C-PTSD from my childhood and my sister got eating disorders. Both common to children of BPDm.

I'm so sorry to read this, your childhood must have been so difficult... .I can't imagine how you must have felt, if you wanted to get adopted by another family. Do you still see your parents now that you are older? How is your relationship with them?
I hope you have someone to talk to, about all this... . 

[HappyChappy]

Do you still see your parents now that you are older? How is your relationship with them?

We are all No Contact with the NPD, and I was NC with my BPDm, but she is alone with no friends, so I guess I'm there for emergencies. Low Contact. I'm close with my sister and have always had very,very loyal and close friends. So that more than compensates. Friendship is thicker than bload any day of the week.