Man with female BPD partner -- trouble in couples therapy

[TRB]

I am a man in a long-term relationship with a woman who I strongly believe is BPD although there has been no diagnosis.  Things were noticeable for a long time but actually not so bad, then I think due to various transitions and stresses things have gotten gradually much worse over the last 5+ years.  I think most people would have left long ago but I tolerate way too much and am working on that problem separately.  From what I have read I would consider her a "high functioning BPD"--successful professional with lots of accomplishments, and with behavior with me at home that she does not exhibit anywhere else, although sometimes at her work I think it comes out in small doses.

We are with a couples counselor (after trying several others), a woman who seems quite good.  Now, however, I'm concerned that the couples counselor cannot accept that a man could be abused or hurt by a woman in the way that is happening in our relationship.  The counselor has said this, in not so many words.

So I'm concerned that the counselor may not be familiar with BPD, or maybe think BPD is a term that men like to apply to "hysterical" women, or that a woman should be cut some slack in terms of rage and other inappropriate behavior in a relationship.

Does anyone else have experience dealing with this kind of situation with a couples therapist?  Any suggestions for getting my perspective heard and recognized?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[JohnLove]

Hi TRB, the short answer is that youre counsellor has shown bias toward you. That is not impartial. That is also not going to lead to bigger and better things.

You haven't said a word to support your claim but your words suggest you feel it. Right there. That is enough. Abuse can be very subtle and many counsellors aren't worth a cent... .or a dime (depending where you live ;^)  ).

You are betting your relationship on this person. Choose carefully.

[resiliant_dad]

The fact that she's willing to go to couples therapy with you, in my experience, is a win.
Make sure you have a good individual therapist as well. I think that's more important than anything.
Good luck.

[Mutt]

Hi TRB,



I'd like to join the others and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you have found us.

Now, however, I'm concerned that the couples counselor cannot accept that a man could be abused or hurt by a woman in the way that is happening in our relationship.  The counselor has said this, in not so many words.

Let's set her statement aside for a second and look at what she' saying, a therapist should have certain qualities, non judgemental and unbiased are a couple of qualities that comes to mind, she's telegraphing that she has a bias with men.

My advice to you is find a T that synchronizes with you, don't settle on the first T that you find, shop around, you pay her money for sessions, you shouldn't have to try to convince her that abuse goes both ways. I hope that helps.

[Love Healing]

I think it is essential you get the right mediator!  The 3rd party is going to be your deciding factor in everything!  I know you said she has not been diagnosed yet, but can you still find a therapist that specializes in BPD and use them for your couples therapy?  BPD is so bizarre in its appearances and symptoms, you really have to know what you are looking at in order to deal with it properly.  I would say, if the mediator in your intimate life is not versed with BPD, they very well can work against you and make things a lot worse!  There are such specific strategies in dealing with BPD too, its good if you can get your "training in," get her the special, specific help she needs, plus bypass a bunch of wasted time on the therapist trying to learn about what she has or what she is doing.  I read in one book about a spouse who's therapist didn't believe the BPD stories because they couldn't understand the nature of the disorder!  Its not your normal situation, so you need an expert!  If you don't have an expert, maybe they should pay you for BPD therapy training!  You are probably way ahead of the average therapist in understanding!

[ScottishKin]

Counsellors were not all created equal. In the UK (don't know about anywhere else), it's a field that is quite easy to get into with a year's training. Some will be very good, understanding, therapeutic, relatable and very, very useful.

Others are really, really not. Unlike psychotherapists, they are not trained to use skills and experience to work you through your issues - nine-time-out-of-ten, they will fall back on their own attitudes, life experience, relationships, beliefs and values and bring this smack bang into the room.

It is imperative you find another counsellor to whom you and your partner can feel validated equally. At the moment, you're just paying for someone to feed your partner's disorder.

[TRB]

Thanks to everyone for all of the feedback and support.

I was able to meet with the counselor individually and explain my perspective and she seemed very responsive to my concerns about bias.  I will continue to be on the lookout for bias, but for now it appears that the counselor understands that this is not merely a typical male/female relationship and that something else is going on.

I have a related question.  I have not mentioned the term BPD to the counselor or suggested that my partner might have BPD or anything similar.  My reason is that I am concerned that the counselor will hear a man saying his female partner is hysterical and will think I am a typical man who is unable to deal with a woman's strong emotions.  Also, I'm sure everyone who goes to couples counseling thinks their partner is crazy and I wonder how much credibility I'll have if I accuse my partner of having BPD.  Instead I have described my partner's behavior, which I think speaks for itself, and the counselor has been able to witness my partner's behavior directly in the counseling sessions.  On a scale of 1-10, the behavior at home is a 10 and in the counseling sessions it's a 5, but still pretty extreme and noticeable, and the counselor has commented on it.  My hope is that the counselor will draw her own conclusions.

Any advice on this?  Any direct experience you have had with this situation?

[iluminati]

First, I remember from my days as a moderator that couples counseling is the primary source of referrals to this site.  Methinks that your counselor either gets it or will get it in short order.  In terms of how to deal with your counselor, the best advice is to be forthright on your own issues as a person and the marriage.  The best thing you can do for your marriage is be the best person possible, and honesty goes a long way towards that.

[husband of bpd]

Hi

My wife has always had most of the BPD traits and it it has become unberable ove the last 3 years.

My wife is not diagnosed and in complete denial of the problem, although she had depression episodes in the past.

I went out to seek some help and now I was going to an individual therapy for a year as well as we both go together to couples councelling for last 3 months.

From my experience to date I can say that couples therapy will not resolve the core issue which is personality disorder deeply rooted in one side.

The couples sessions focus on communication problems which I consider a secondary issue and implications of non-treated BPD behaviour.

I am not saying that they are waste of time, they will help to identify bigger issues but are not designed to resolve the problem.

I personally learnt a lot of communications skills and was given a good space to practise them during these sessions which are then transferred into daily living.

[TRB]

From my experience to date I can say that couples therapy will not resolve the core issue which is personality disorder deeply rooted in one side.

The couples sessions focus on communication problems which I consider a secondary issue and implications of non-treated BPD behaviour.

I am not saying that they are waste of time, they will help to identify bigger issues but are not designed to resolve the problem.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts above.  We are still in couples counseling and what you say above feels like it fits what is happening with us. It feels like we are still beating around the bush because all of the best couples therapy techniques that work for your typical couples problems do not seem like they address the particular problems of BPD.

We have been doing the counseling for almost a year and there have been signs of hope along the way but I feel like we have reached the limit of what we can accomplish without openly acknowledging BPD as a fact in the relationship.

This has also become obvious to me when I have mentioned some of our relationship problems to married friends of mine and they try to be helpful but it is immediately obvious to me that they have not had the experiences I have had with a spouse with BPD because the worst things they have encountered are nothing like what I am dealing with.  My friends are well-intentioned but not very helpful.  Sorry if this comes across the wrong way but some of my male friends think I am talking about pre-menstrual syndrome or menopause and they share what has worked for them but they don't get that I am dealing with a different situation.

I have been working on myself individually through all of this and have improved a lot at staying grounded and less impacted by the splitting, being painted black, multiple "break-ups" (not even sure what to call it when she announces in a rage that she is leaving the relationship and then either does for a few hours or days and then returns to normal as if nothing happened), accusations that I have abandoned her by spending one evening out with friends (after agreeing on it with her for weeks in advance), etc.

Will keep trying with the couples therapy.

Any other support or guidance would be greatly appreciated.