Hello, new here and needing support

[Spring Iris]

Hi everyone,
I am an adult child (40s) of an elderly mother who quite likely has BPD- undiagnosed. It's making sense to me.

As she ages and now is dealing with terminal illness I have been struggling with intense feelings of hatred towards her, and then going back to compassion... .then guilt... .and came away from the last visit with her telling my (kind and empathic) husband "I am a terrible person!" amongst other awful things.
I knew then that I really had to get some help.

I am scared to look back and see elements of my own life that certainly seem to echo SOME traits of BPD. (Lack of stable career is really upsetting, for example).

I guess I am looking right now for validation that these feelings are... .not crazy! The guilt I feel for feeling this way towards my elderly, ailing mother is crushing. Who would understand that feeling of hatred?

  And I want to see how others have rebuilt their sense of self, (I feel that's literally what I have had to do from the ground up) because I still, at mid 40s, often have no idea who I am and some days I just feel so lost.

Thank you all out there for listening.

[phantomglitter]

Someone you care about has hurt you. The person who, according to social constructs, is supposed to love you unconditionally and always be there for you sometimes can't. And because of the pain you've been caused, and the stigma surrounding BPD, you're afraid of being the same and causing pain to others.

I can really relate. I've also noticed a few symptoms in myself, particularly when looking back at who I was when I was younger. It's not ideal, but it's also not a death sentence. If you think you need help, there are tons of resources available.

Your feelings are valid, and they matter. What you experienced is real, and it's completely okay to not be perfectly happy and rosy and understanding all the time. Due to the situation, you now have some pressure on you to do what you need to do before she goes. Often we want to make those last moments as happy and easy as possible, but that's not what life is. When this is over, she'll be gone and done with this, but you'll still be here with all the pain and anger and guilt and sadness and questions. You are angry with someone you love, and you feel guilty about it because you "shouldn't" feel that way because her time is short. Everything there is valid, you are allowed to feel all those things. Even better: you get to choose what you want to do with those feelings. If it's hard to decide, or you aren't sure how to orient yourself, I would recommend finding the things or people or places that make you happy and having more of them in your life.

EX: I often found myself dressing in things I didn't like or that didn't suit me because I was worried that if my mother (who lives 6 hours away) saw me and I wasn't wearing something she had given me, it would hurt her. Even more so when she was actually around. I got really good at keeping a mental inventory of where I got everything I own from. Things like these are pointless, don't help anyone, and just left me feeling trapped and powerless in my own life. I started making choices every morning of what I wanted to wear that day, and now I can go an entire day without worrying about whether I wore something that she gave me or not.

Choice is empowering, even if it's something small. You deserve to have a life that's about you and what you want or need. Now I do things I want to do. Giving myself the freedom to choose my actions for how they make ME feel has been so helpful, and has given me a much better sense of who I am and what's important to me. An added bonus: I don't HAVE to do anything, I GET to do things that matter to me and nourish me. (ex: exercise isn't an obligation to not get fat, it's something I do that helps me be my best)

You don't OWE your mother anything, but if it's important for you to be there for her during her final moments, that's okay. Set realistic expectations, she won't become a completely different person and she can't be the stereotypical mom we see on TV (really, who is though?), but you don't have to let bad behaviour that makes you feel awful slide just because she's your mom, or just because she didn't choose to be this way, or just because her time is limited. It's okay to take care of yourself. You matter just as much as she does.

Lots of love your way, I hope this helps!

[Mutt]

Hi Spring Iris,



Id like to join phantwowlitter and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry to hear about your mom.

Your feelings are valid, and they matter. What you experienced is real, and it's completely okay to not be perfectly happy and rosy and understanding all the time.

You mentioned your sense of self and validation and it’s all a part of healing. You made the right step with deciding to talk to others, you’re in the right place for that. You’re  allowed to feel the way that you feel it doesn’t make you a terrible person. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts.

[Spring Iris]

Hello phantwowlitter and Mutt,
Thanks a lot for your responses - (sorry for my delay-life!)- it feels good just to get it out there.

 The main issue is that I'm pretty concerned that there are behaviour patterns that are showing up in my own family life, which feels a little out of control and scary. So I do feel I need some help in re-learning behaviour that's less reactionary and more... .validating for everyone. (I hesitate to say "healthy" because I am not even sure what that means).

This is good advice, I think:
"I would recommend finding the things or people or places that make you happy and having more of them in your life." 
This is a little work, because I feel like I learnt that family life is a constant roller coaster and series of never resolving blow-ups! Being happy never entered into consideration. It was just an endurance test.

I do feel I have some obligation to my mother, I am who she depends on the most, emotionally (despite living so far away). It's true, at this stage of awareness, I know I can't change my mother. I know when I go to visit her needing *anything* from her, it's a recipe for a blow-up of some sort.

Making decisions, establishing goals in life, even deciding what clothes I like to wear- I struggle with these things! Not always, but it seems to be more difficult than for many people. I think this is a residual effect from having grown up this way... .

Thanks again for chiming in. It helps just to write this down.

[Mutt]

It really does help to write if i might suggest something regarding family my dad is narcissistic I have boundaries with him my brother is avoidant I do have a close r/s with my sister basically from the wise advise of a moderator here I established my own family through friends. Friends that are judgmental, listen and genuinely show that they  care and you know they’re not too close to what’s going in my life unlike family. I don’t want them to fix or repair things sometimes I just want support.

[Spring Iris]

Hi Mutt,
Yes, just writing this down I don't feel quite so crazy.
I agree that friends can be a great "family", and  these days I work really hard at cultivating friendships and communicating clearly- but that's a whole other story... .I feel only now (in my mid-40s) do I have a few real authentic stable friendships! There are a lot of regrets I have about past friendships and relationships (a topic for another time).

[Learning2Thrive]

 
Hello Spring Iris. I send you kind thoughts and compassion as I witness your struggle with this situation.

First of all, you are valid. Your feelings are yours and they are valid.

 You mentioned feeling some emotional obligation. I recommend reading the board articles on FOG, see the links in the right column—>. What specific obligations do you feel at this time?

[Learning2Thrive]

Here is some more specific information on FOG and a direct link:


“With a BPD relative, we often live lost in the "FOG" of fear, obligation, and guilt. These normal and useful emotions, in the right context, become dangerous tools of manipulation in the wrong hands. Identifying how these emotions are controlling us is a first step toward clearer thinking.”

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Spring Iris,   

Let me join Mutt, Learning2Thrive, & Phantwowlitter in welcoming you to our family!   I'm so glad that you've come here and are sharing your story with us.

Your story is not so different than mine or many others here. I was in my late 40's before I learned about BPD. I always knew something was not right with my uBPDm, but it took reading about BPD in a psychology class in college to turn the light on. It has been 6 years since that discovery.

Some of those first steps on the journey were quite tentative and unsure for me, but they were down a different path than all the steps before. Now I was headed on a journey to find myself. It is coming, and I am continually excited to find out who I am and what choices I can make. It will for you too. Do not feel bad about these things because it has been the same for those of us who are adults, grown up but struggling from the effects of having a parent with BPD. This site is a great support for learning and growing and asking questions in a safe environment where we will listen and not judge.

Making decisions, establishing goals in life, even deciding what clothes I like to wear- I struggle with these things! Not always, but it seems to be more difficult than for many people. I think this is a residual effect from having grown up this way... .

Oh yes, I can so relate! Here is a great book that you will probably find helpful:

Surviving a Borderline Parent

It's one of the first books I picked up. I encourage you to take your time going through it, but I think you will find great validation within the pages. Have you considered seeing a T?

 
Wools

[Spring Iris]

Thanks everyone for such a warm welcome!

It's so good to know that I am not completely alone feeling this way. I wondered if I was going through a particularly virulent form of a mid-life crisis, being in my mid-40s! Most of the time I'm feeling pretty angry, and am close to rage much of the time. I wish I knew more often what I actually want.  I know I need to talk to a professional, just to release the pressure if nothing else. 

Wools I have been looking for a therapist all week. I have seen one before, about a decade ago, but the idea that my mother was undiagnosed didn't occur to me until just a few years ago, when my father was ill and then passed away- her reactions to everything were very disturbing to me.  (A whole other story).
 
 I went ahead and checked out "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and "Understanding the Borderline Mother" from the library. Looks like I'll be doing a lot of reading.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Spring Iris,

I'm glad you checked those books out! Understanding the Borderline Mother is a book often recommended here. When I read it, I had a hard time putting it down. It can be triggering, but it is also very validating. For many, including myself, it is the story of our lives. It was as if the author lived not only in my house, but also in my head. There isn't so much self help within the pages as much as there is grasp of the reality of the BPD and what it is.

It takes time to find a good T. Many here have found that you may need to shop around and attend a few sessions to see if it is a good fit for you. Don't be afraid of searching. Mine was a good fit right away. Be sure and ask if they are familiar with BPD as you search. My T is an LPCC.

Have you started reading either book? Please do share your thoughts when you do!

 
Wools

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Spring Iris,

You are definitely not alone in your situation! Discovering what may well be BPD in your mother can be quite shocking but in another way it can bring a lot of relief as you start picing together how you've been affected by it.
Not gonna lie, it can be very time consuming and exhausting. Like you say, you are rebuilding your entire notion of yourself, your mother, and your perspective on your life. However it is extremely rewarding and worthwhile.
It really feels as though you have met yourself for the first time.

you mentioned you have seen some elements of BPD behaviour in yourself - this is also quite usual. We pick up the traits of the people who teach us. However these may simply be learned behaviours  -what is called 'fleas.' It doesn't necessarily mean we are dysfunctional, just that we may be doing the things we ahve learned off by heart.
That is something you will no doubt pick up on in your reading

That's really the key that is central to understanding. It can be quite full on though so it's worth reminding yourself to be gentle on yourself and not to overwhelm yourself with too much information. There are great great resources here - the information is first rate and hand picked.

Me, I couldn't get through the Borderline Mother myself - it was just a bit too much although others have found it extremely helpful. Sometimes just reading an article or following up on a specific subject can make it a little easier to digest.
Congratulations on reaching out for support and I look forward to hearing what you learn along the way
All the best
Ziggiddy

[zachira]

Your feelings are not crazy and struggling with having a successful career is not surprising. Borderline mothers do not want their children to be separate from them, and this includes having a successful career. My mother did everything she could to make sure I failed professionally. For example, when I was a teenager she went to my waitress job, and while I was waiting on her table, she told the boss in my presence what a lousy job I was doing, even though I hadn't done anything wrong. It has taken my years to unravel while I have so many career challenges.
It is also normal to feel lost, and be struggling to found out who you are, as your sense of self gets completely annihilated by a borderline parent, so of course you feel hatred towards her. It is so painful, because we all want to be loved for who we are by our parents, and this is a pain that will probably never go completely away. When this pain comes up, I just try to take some quiet time, and feel my anger and hatred to the point that they are not so potent, and I start to feel better.
You also mentioned that you want to not feel so lost. I have been going to therapy for years, as my issues are just too much to share with a trusted friends. I have taken Jon Cabot Zinn's mediation class, which taught me to take quiet time out every day to feel my feelings before they get out of hand.
Let us know how we can help or what is not so helpful!