I worry that I’m not a good parent because good parenting wasn't modeled for me

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

I just read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book because I was raised by a mother with borderline. My mom had me when she was 20. Has been married to terrible men and raised me as her best friend. I was her constant go to person about everything. It was hard to watch her attempt suicide and then have to care for her after that. My brother is a completely other story of mental illness who i also had to care for as a kid. I set pretty good boundaries now, but it can be a struggle at times. I am now a professional adult with a partner and child and I worry that I am not a good parent because good parenting wasn't modeled for me. I can be very codependent and insecure which causes issues in my marriage. Sometimes I am not sure if I get angry too quickly when my daughter isn't behaving correctly. She is 11, so there is a lot of room for issues!

Thanks!

[Sabona]

Hello,

I just read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book because I was raised by a mother with borderline. My mom had me when she was 20. Has been married to terrible men and raised me as her best friend. I was her constant go to person about everything. It was hard to watch her attempt suicide and then have to care for her after that. My brother is a completely other story of mental illness who i also had to care for as a kid. I set pretty good boundaries now, but it can be a struggle at times. I am now a professional adult with a partner and child and I worry that I am not a good parent because good parenting wasn't modeled for me. I can be very codependent and insecure which causes issues in my marriage. Sometimes I am not sure if I get angry too quickly when my daughter isn't behaving correctly. She is 11, so there is a lot of room for issues!

Thanks!

[HappyChappy]

Welcome Sabona, 

I worry that I am not a good parent because good parenting wasn't modeled for me.

Many if not most on here will have had the same concern. My sister runs a good parenting class (that's how concerned she was), and the two most important things are to give a child love (which requires empathy) and make them feel safe.  I trust by virtue of you being on this forum, you have empathy and want the best for your child, so I wouldn’t worry.

BPD may struggle to change, but we can, that's why many are on this forum. If anything your upbrining may have made you a better parent, as you are looking for a better way. That said, we all benefit on here for re-adjustments from our childhood. Other than parenting, you mentioned codependency, what part of that concerns you, do you have examples ? Here's a general piece on the topic:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Feel free to ask questions, and join in with other threads. Knowledge is power. Welcome to the forum.

[zachira]

The fact that you are interested in being the best parent to your child that you can be, speaks volumes about what kind of person you are.
If you want some recommendations for good books to read on parenting, I can recommend some.

[Mary5]

Hello Sabona
Most parents worry that they aren't a "good parent". It is the most important job we have and yet we get next to no training and there is no job description or owners manual! I think your concern is a good signal - that you are in fact a good parent already. I doubt if there is such a thing as a "perfect parent" - we are all human and don't get it right 100% of the time.

Maybe you could reframe your thoughts about not having a good role model to - "it has taught me a valuable lesson in life, what behaviors I do not wish to perpetuate". Knowing what you don't want to do/be as a parent is just as important as knowing what you want to do/be.

Be kind to yourself and enjoy precious time with your child making fun memories and growing a strong relationship.

[Sabona]

Thanks for these nice comments!

[Panda39]

Hi Sabona,

I agree with the others, but also wanted to add that when I find that I need to do something better I look for a good example that I can learn from.

I used to have a really hard time asking for what I needed at work, then I wouldn't get what I needed and would become resentful... .so not asking for what I needed wasn't working.  I had a friend at work that was really good at asking for what she needed in a diplomatic way and I would watch her and began emulating her.  I was finally able to ask for what I needed in a way that was professional and I became happier because I was getting my needs met.

So if you have a friend that is an awesome mom hang out with her, watch her, and pick up things that you like in her parenting style.

Panda39

[ijustwantpeace]

The fact that you recognize that your mother's parenting style was not the best is huge!

You understand that a parent is a parent and not a best friend.

People with BPD have no boundaries and overshare alot.  This can be damaging to children.  Children have the right to be children and feel safe. They don't need to hear about a parents sex life at an early age.

I sadly inherited some of my mother's bad behaviors of control, criticism, and complaining and they have hurt me my entire life.

It took me two years to identify these behaviors that were destroying my happiness and be able to make changes.

Basic boundaries with children

1. Understand that your child and not your best friend.
2. You don't and should not share all your intimate details with your kids ever.  (Even when they are 100 years old)
3. Use the sandwich method for correction.  Start with a compliment, add your suggestion, and end with a compliment
4. Let them have their own experiences and figure the world out.  As they are little they need lots of help from you, but as they get older they will want to be more independent.  This is natural.  :)on't beat them down, or try to control, them or stop them from finding out who they are and what they are all about.
5.  Actually listen to your child.  100% hear all their words.  You don't have to agree with them just listen.  It lets them know they have value and worth.
6. Find successful parents with well adjusted children and copy them.  Joining a church Bible study can go a long ways in this department.  Find people who are rock solid.  You may need to try a few different ones, but once you find one fully commitment to it.  You don't need to ask a bunch of questions, just learn from observing how they interact with each other.  Model that in your own family.

Some parents try to control every aspect of their child's life.  This just ends in hurt for the parent and resentment for the child.