after the relationship ends

[looking4guidance]

I am wondering if anyone feels sort of similar to how I am feeling coming out of a BPD relationship.

I feel like I am constantly questioning if she in fact had BPD? And that it was my fault for diagnosing her (which I know is completely unfair for her) but I tried to get her into therapy or get a diagnosis and she wouldn't. Any suggestion of this would be bad. Some of the red flags I experienced listed below.

1. First date - she wanted to sleep with me in my car
2. Right away it felt like I knew this person my entire life, everything seemed "natural". I could do no wrong.
3. Things moved quickly - she said "I love you" within two weeks, talking about how cute our kids would be within a month, and suggesting we move in together within 2 months. Marriage was discussed a little after a month. 
4. Within the first month - I said a few things I probably shouldn't have but all humans are not perfect and it resulted in me being ignored for the rest of the night and even part of the next day.
5. First physical attack came a month in to our relationship where she became suspicious of my phone. I reacted as if it was projection and accused her of probably hiding things on her phone. This didn't end so well. 
6. 1.5 months in to our relationship she was really anxious and worried that the world was going to take me away from her. Literally screaming this on the phone.
7. About 2 months in I was on my phone while she was napping and again I was accused of checking girls out on social media, so I was kicked out of the apartment and ignored for 3 days which was followed by a text as if nothing happened. The morning of this rage she was telling me how she wants to meet my family and tell them how much we are in love.
8. When I asked her to be my girlfriend thats when things really got ugly. Literally couldn't make it a week without getting hit by her.
9. Also, the relationship was full of "love" but I felt like it was all about the sex. At least it seemed that way.
   
Basically the fights/rages got more and more frequent and finally I had enough. About 4 months in I put my foot down and walked out on her. But then every 3 days would fall back to her. She would reach out. This happened for about 1.5 months. During the last 1.5 months though she was really appearing to have "changed" although I was still getting accused of certain things I was not doing. Which annoyed me and finally I said this isn't sustainable and left. 

Then I get love notes on my car. The "accidental" late night phone calls. Surprise visits with gifts. I Broke NC (almost a week of NC) because of an accidental phone call and then it was right back to square one. 

It really is like an addition. 

I know it may seem stupid but part of how I am feeling right now is (1) maybe she was really trying to change for me (she wasn't physical anymore but the accusations were still present) and (2) I feel sort of hopeful that maybe she can get help and our relationship would work in a healthy way. I also am feeling that I am wrong and that I almost was presenting BPD like episodes towards her. She literally said that I am the unhealthy one and that I am the one who needs to get help. Eventually it got to the point where I didn't trust her. Like I became this overly suspicious paranoid person of her and I never was this way with other girls.   

What do you guys think? How do I move forward with life?

Somedays are great for me. Followed by really crappy days. I literally feel like I have BPD. I even snap over little things towards innocent people. Just a terrible life experience.

Crazy to think I recognized these symptoms within a month and stayed all because of the "amazing BPD sex". This is how these women get you.

[tryingsome]

Since this is the learning board, I am going to point out two things-- investigate a bit.

1. wanted to sleep with me (in xyz). Think men/women this is kind of a mutal thing. A guy who wants to sleep with a girl in the first date... .is that a bad thing? Should it make a difference if it is a woman instead?

And lastly, the end. "Amazing Sex" -- this is how they get you bit.
Frankly it takes two to have "Amazing Sex"


Now don't get me wrong. I think sex is often used as a controlling method and/or soothing method for a pwBPD.
I also think at times we (us Nons) have high expectations of behavior. I certainly did and they were no different than a pwBPD as far as expectations. Usually the difference is Nons can apply their expectations to oneself. pwBPD tend to have high expectations also, but are unable to apply to themselves.

[Lucky Jim]

She literally said that I am the unhealthy one and that I am the one who needs to get help.

Hey looking4, In my view, those w/BPD foist blame on the Non and contend that the Non needs help, because those w/BPD are incapable of taking responsibility for their own issues; instead, they shift the problem to the Non, which get it off their plate.  In other words, this is pretty typical behavior from someone w/BPD.

Did you think that she was correct about you being the unhealthy one?  If so, that's normal and I went through the same questioning process.  Those w/BPD can really get inside your head.  No, you don't have BPD because, if you did, you wouldn't be posting here about what happened.

Let me ask you a question or two.  What would you like to see happen?  Are you hoping for a recycle?  How long has it been since you parted ways?  Are you still in regular contact?

Fill us in, when you can.

Lucky Jim

[JNChell]

 

Hi L4G. I’ve experienced many of the  ’s that you have. I’ve also looked past them as you have. I was enthralled by my ex because she was enthralled by me. I’ve adopted that as my own  for myself. You’re wise in recognizing and listing the  ’s that you have. You’re mindful in doing so. We’re glad you’re here, and we hope you stick around.

First and foremost, I have to say that, if she is physically attacking you, you’re in a dangerous and unpredictable situation. If you still have any trust in her, you need to let go of it. Right now. She’s not a loving partner at this point. I understand that you’re hurting and confused. Many of us here are.

As far as trying to make her see her behaviors and how they are very much in line with BPD, neither you nor I, or anyone else here can make that diagnosis. I tried to armchair diagnose my ex, and failed miserably in doing so. Her walls were reinforced by my trying to find resolve.  I’m seeing that it was my own defense mechanism. It was deflected as me being at fault for everything. I get where you’re coming from.

It’s normal to not be acting like yourself after a relationship like this. Give yourself time and space from her, if you choose to. In response to your initial question, yes, I felt like you are now.

Please tell us more about how you’re feeling personally.

[Speck]

Hello, looking4guidance!

It certainly seems like you're processing a very confusing relationship. I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees.

I'd like to echo what Lucky Jim asks you by asking: What would you like to see happen?  Are you hoping for a recycle? Knowing the answers to these questions will help us be better able to help you.


Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you. Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

[looking4guidance]

Hello, looking4guidance!

It certainly seems like you're processing a very confusing relationship. I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees.

I'd like to echo what Lucky Jim asks you by asking: What would you like to see happen?  Are you hoping for a recycle? Knowing the answers to these questions will help us be better able to help you.


Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you. Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

Thank you for the support. Yeah it was very confusing but it lines up with a lot of other stories I read. Basically at this point and I know I am delusional for thinking this but I am just hoping for her to get better and then come back to me a better version. We talked about this but I know it won't happen. My therapist is guiding me and saying to stay away so I am sticking to this at this point.

I think I was battling this "i need to win" mindset such as get a girl quickly to replace her but in reality that won't make me better and stronger. I am content with working on myself and some of my life goals alone and never looking back with this wild roller coaster ride.

I guess if she really never contacts me again then maybe I am a fool. Either way I am moving on as if she is no longer of existence. It is the only way.

[looking4guidance]

Hi L4G. I’ve experienced many of the  ’s that you have. I’ve also looked past them as you have. I was enthralled by my ex because she was enthralled by me. I’ve adopted that as my own  for myself. You’re wise in recognizing and listing the  ’s that you have. You’re mindful in doing so. We’re glad you’re here, and we hope you stick around.

First and foremost, I have to say that, if she is physically attacking you, you’re in a dangerous and unpredictable situation. If you still have any trust in her, you need to let go of it. Right now. She’s not a loving partner at this point. I understand that you’re hurting and confused. Many of us here are.

As far as trying to make her see her behaviors and how they are very much in line with BPD, neither you nor I, or anyone else here can make that diagnosis. I tried to armchair diagnose my ex, and failed miserably in doing so. Her walls were reinforced by my trying to find resolve.  I’m seeing that it was my own defense mechanism. It was deflected as me being at fault for everything. I get where you’re coming from.

It’s normal to not be acting like yourself after a relationship like this. Give yourself time and space from her, if you choose to. In response to your initial question, yes, I felt like you are now.

Please tell us more about how you’re feeling personally.

This is exactly what made me leave in the end but of course I was conflicted and went back only to her blaming me for everything and saying that I am the "crazy" one.

I have been in many relationships and never experienced physical abuse. This was definitely a first.

Overall I feel "okay". I feel content finally with letting go and moving on. Also I feel excited that I will get to experience a healthy relationship at some point of my life. I am grateful nothing serious came out of this (i.e. pregnancy, jail time). All I have is a bit of a bruised ego for falling for her trap but thats okay.

I have also accepted that she will never have a stable relationship while she is untreated. I asked about all her previous relationships and they were all so similar. Part of me feels bad for her but another part of me realizes it is up to HER to make the decision to get treatment and that I really can't do anything about this.

At the end of the day - you are correct. Physical abuse is always a reason to walk away and never look back. I know in the future if this happens I will be smart enough to leave and not look back.

[looking4guidance]

Hey looking4, In my view, those w/BPD foist blame on the Non and contend that the Non needs help, because those w/BPD are incapable of taking responsibility for their own issues; instead, they shift the problem to the Non, which get it off their plate.  In other words, this is pretty typical behavior from someone w/BPD.

Did you think that she was correct about you being the unhealthy one?  If so, that's normal and I went through the same questioning process.  Those w/BPD can really get inside your head.  No, you don't have BPD because, if you did, you wouldn't be posting here about what happened.

Let me ask you a question or two.  What would you like to see happen?  Are you hoping for a recycle?  How long has it been since you parted ways?  Are you still in regular contact?

Fill us in, when you can.

Lucky Jim

Yeah this is exactly what my T said that if I truly had a PD I wouldn't be asking about it. I was in a LTR early in life and then came out and made the choice to be sort of a crappy bf to a lot of innocent girls. I definitely got what I deserved with this BPD relationship. Now I just need to make myself better for the next one to come.

I already experienced to many quick recycles. Although we never went more than a week without seeing each other even when I was split black it was always just 3-4days. Now it has been 1 week. I have to admit I ignored her text a week ago as an attempt to move on and then felt bad realizing I should be stronger. I sent her a text closing the chapter yesterday in which she ignored of course. Also, I have been blocked on social media. I wonder how long I will be painted black. Either way I can't go back to her. Not at this point. I am already starting to feel good again. Starting to feel like my old self. Much happier.

[Speck]

Hello again, L4G:

I guess if she really never contacts me again then maybe I am a fool.

I'm not really sure what you mean by being a fool in this case.

Either way I am moving on as if she is no longer of existence. It is the only way.

I like your confidence, here. It sounds like you've got good support in your T sessions, and your tone definitely sounds more definitive and upbeat with this update. And, yeah, once you finally emerge from the chaos of this unhealthy relationship, there's a newly minted YOU out in the world drawing good things and good people into your life. And that, my amigo, is something to really be excited about!

Keep doing YOU. It's working... .


-Speck