Nightmares during the relationship

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone! I’ve thought about this topic several times and feel like sharing it here now.

After the relationship had really went sour and I was thick in FOG, I began having really bad nightmares. They weren’t about my ex, they were about my FOO. If I’m correct in my thinking, and please correct me if I’m wrong, pwBPD don’t necessarily cause our core wounds. These injuries have already been inflicted and most likely suppressed. What I’m wondering is if I’m tying this together correctly. Is it possible that my ex reopened those wounds and brought them back to the surface? Can this explain why the nightmares were about my parents and not the person who was abusing me at that time? Any feedback and insight is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[JNChell]

Hi everyone! I’ve thought about this topic several times and feel like sharing it here now.

After the relationship had really went sour and I was thick in FOG, I began having really bad nightmares. They weren’t about my ex, they were about my FOO. If I’m correct in my thinking, and please correct me if I’m wrong, pwBPD don’t necessarily cause our core wounds. These injuries have already been inflicted and most likely suppressed. What I’m wondering is if I’m tying this together correctly. Is it possible that my ex reopened those wounds and brought them back to the surface? Can this explain why the nightmares were about my parents and not the person who was abusing me at that time? Any feedback and insight is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[bus boy]

I've been doing some processing lately on core wounds. I agree with you. My Xw was not the cause of my core wounds but she opened them up. Have no fear, Xw was a monster, but as I heal and get better mentally and have genuine peace in my life, I almost have to thank Xw for my transformation. I very clearly see how crazy it was growing up in my house with my fathers craziness. I so very clearly see it today and I use what I learned on BPD family and from my T. I always felt something was not right in my life. I've always been rational, I've always been emotionally mature but I let my self be verbally abused, I always felt I deserved to be treated like that and that I wasn't good enough or a good person. My decent was fast after meeting Xw, she made mince meat out of me. Today I feel much stronger on the inside, a more complete person, I know how to deal with the craziness of my father, I was always his target but not anymore, now it's my nephew, the poor fella is so frustrated and angry inside, he and my father have crazy insane screaming matches. I really have learned to detach from things and it drives my father up the wall that I don't get worked up about things, especially the same things he gets wound up about. He will call me and start ranting about something someone did and than turn on me and I just hang up. My coping is 360 from what it use to be and Xw was the catalyst that opened up my wounds, it was like opening up infected sores and letting all the toxic infection out.

[Mutt]

If it's something that I hadn't thought about for awhile and I started getting nightmares about it then I can see why you're curious about where these nightmares came from especially when a painful break-up with a pwBPD is parallel to these dreams. I'm not a professional I can't tell you why you are having these nightmares, please keep in mind that some members and not all of them carried life long emotional wounds and you are correct these wounds come to the surface. This is just my personal experience and how I felt it will differ from member to member I recall feeling like this didn't feel like a regular break-up because I feeling pain that was not directly related to it it felt like all of unresolved issues came to the surface at the same time. Have you seen people that carry a huge pane of glass? Imagine that glass hitting the pavement, I felt like that broken into a million pieces. I've been through some tough stuff and always managed to repair myself I was worried this time because it felt like too much pain. That being said I feel a lot different today then I did 5 years ago.

[wellwellwell]

Everything Mutt said. Went through a vivid nightmare about FOO phase 2-3 months ago. They walked away when I separated, which meant I had to face up to some of my original wounds and a few more they caused by not wanting to know me when I was in terrible pain. I think a lot of people with wounds are pulled to BPD because of the immediacy of what looks like love. This is personal experience, not expertise, but I think non-abusive relationships are spaces where those old wounds can heal. Very hard, perhaps impossible, to do that in a relationship with anyone who is BPD. So, my take is that I now have my own safe space where I can heal myself. It feels frightening at first, but that ebbs.

[JNChell]

Hi bus boy. Thanks for your feedback and for sharing. My home life as a youngster was really bad as well. I didn’t need to be hurt by my ex/exes to realize how bad it was, but I think it definitely let me know that there are some serious, unresolved issues inside of me that need to be addressed now, and I need to see it through until I’m healed and healthy.

Both of my parents passed away in 2010. I carry some guilt because I didn’t feel very bad about their departures. I didn’t really feel anything that you would expect to feel when you lose your parents. I basically detached from them when I was in my early twenties. They eventually moved a thousand miles away and I only saw them 3-4 times over 8 years until their deaths. I never got closure from them over their actions towards me, and I got pretty mixed up over this when they died. Like you, my ex was a monster and I believe I hit my bottom while trying to be with her. In fact, I know I did. I nearly died.

I’m glad to hear that your healing process is moving forward. It must feel pretty good to know you’re on your way. Thanks for reaching out!

[JNChell]

Hey Mutt! I’m glad you stopped by! I should’ve clarified better in my OP that these nightmares were happening when I was still together with my ex. Since I’ve decompressed from the raging and abuse, the nightmares about my parents have stopped. I’ll still have some crazy dreams, but not about them.

I appreciate your feedback. I’m sorry that you had to go through such an ordeal and were hurt so badly. I am happy to hear, though, that things are better for you now that you’ve been able to put some time between yourself and your relationship. You’re a great help to so many of us just trying to dig ourselves out of these situations. Thanks!

[JNChell]

Hi wellwellwell! Thanks for chiming in! I really like your point on how the immediacy of what love looks like in these relationships. That’s a great way to put it. I also agree that healing is impossible in these relationships. We can be shown what needs to be healed, but there is no fixing anything when you’re involved with an abuser.

I’m really sorry to hear that your family left you high and dry when you needed them the most. You know, I started trimming the “fat” from my life before I even knew my ex. My circle is small now, but I removed non-romantic toxicity from my life. Some close, or so I thought, friends have been removed from life and there were improvements attached to that. I know that what your family did to you is painful, but maybe in the big picture of things you’ll be better for it. Thanks for reaching out.