Overwhelmed having discovered my experience has a name

[meltingbutter]

I'm in a marriage that has been on a downward slope for some time.  I have 2 kids I adore.  I have felt inadequate, berated, verbally abused, confused, and trapped in this relationship.  I am committed to my wife and to helping our relationship repair.  I am overwhelmed having recently gone to the web to learn about this experience referred to as BPD while I was searching for help on certain key words.

I don't know if she has BPD or not, but I will say that my world is the Top 20 experiences described on most sites.  Intense rage and hatred towards me over nothing.  Constant confusion about what exactly the anger is about.  Growing disregard of me and my thoughts and feelings.  Days of the silent treatment because I disagreed with something she said or did.  Blame and resentment towards me for the position of dependence she is in with me for lifestyle.  Anger at me because I make a lot of money and her profession isn't valued the same.  Anger at me because she regrets choosing to stay home with our kids - while gaining a masters degree in education.  Zero desire by her for intimacy while screaming how we never have sex.  Self-realization that she has no close friends or family members and wonders to me why people don't want to bring her in or why she can't develop deeper relationships.  A week of the silent treatment every month immediately followed by "You don't ever talk with me.  Where are you?  I'm standing right here, we have nothing in common."  We never... .  You always... .  You never... .  Instead of that why don't you... .

She doesn't want to be in the relationship "What's the point of trying, nothing ever changes."  She is unable to state what she wants but insists I've been told so many times.  She doesn't want to take any step to make change happen, like go to counseling, contact someone who does this, or say I want out. 

I am committed to working but I am completely overwhelmed when I read more about BPD and compare to my experience.  I need help, I need affirmation, I need space, I need to find myself somewhere, and I need to model a different behavior for my kids.  I really can't believe it at some level.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi meltingbutter,

Glad you found us here! This is quite a journey to be on, but be assured that you are not alone in it. It can be a bit of a shock as the pieces of this puzzle start to fall into place - the recognition that you really are seeing what you are seeing.

How would you say your kids are impacted by this so far? How do you feel now about responding to some of these issues?

with compassion, pearl.

[heartandwhole]

Hi meltingbutter,



I’d like to join pearlsw in welcoming you to the community. I’m glad you reached out, because you will find members here who really understand what you are going through. It certainly does feel overwhelming at times. Your feelings are very understandable. You are not alone.

I think researching reputable sites and information will help. Even if your wife doesn’t have BPD, the behaviors your are dealing with are what count. And the good news is that things can get better for you. This site has tons of tools and resources that can help.

Do you have supportive friends and family around you, meltingbutter? It’s so important to rally a support system around you, especially when dealing with a stressful relationship.

Keep posting. We’re here for you.

heartandwhole

[Radcliff]

Hello meltingbutter,

I'm sorry for the situation you're in, but am glad you've found us.  When I first came here I was in much the same situation you are in.  I posted, got a couple of answers, then wandered away.  I had no idea about the power of this place.  I didn't realize its potential until I became a regular.  bpdfamily is amazing in its depth and ability to both support you and help you learn tools to cope.  You are not alone.  We can help.    Tell us more about your situation.

How long have you been married?  How old are your kids?  Son(s)?  Daughter(s)?

WW