BPD mother blackmailing me about her birthday

[CocoBelle]

Hi everyone! I was wondering if there was anyone that has been through this sort of scenario before... .

It's my mother's 60th birthday on Sunday, so that's a big deal. But lately all I've gotten is silent treatment, passive aggressive treatment (throwing stuff that she's borrowed from me at my door while I'm out at work) and trying to blackmail me about my dog. I ignored the first two and gave her a solution about the dog that she can't blackmail me with anymore (either I take him for good or you stop pestering me about him, end of story.) But now of course there's something new: her birthday. And I DO actually feel bad about that, I was in fact planning a surprise party for her but after all this drama I've cancelled the whole thing because I am NOT in the mood for pampering her right now. My plan was actually to drop by her place and leave flowers, a gift and a card instead, and if she had reached out to me, I would have visited her. I don't really want to though... .

She is now messaging me; not that you care ANYWAY, but it's my birthday on Sunday and although it means nothing to you it actually means something to me. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going out with friends of my OWN and I don't need you to come by, not that you were going to ANYWAY (she has been complaining to me about not having friends and being extremely lonely because I never have time for her... .) - And then another message; oh and I just hope you do better by your mother-in-law and that you treat her better than you've treated me.

This makes me so mad... .I had so many plans for her birthday, and then she messages me crap like THIS. I was going to do so much for her, but now I don't want to do ANYTHING for her. I also feel like whatever I do now will be an admission of guilt, and also, probably not good enough either. I want to scream at her, I want to text her back in caps only, I had a freaking surprise party planned for you until you sent me that awful message! Oh and for the record? There's been a lot of birthdays of my own where you didn't do anything for me, but you don't see me trying to blackmail you about that, do you?

But I know that yelling at her won't work, it's probably exactly what she wants: attention. Even if I text her and say look I'm sorry, or, hey I had plans, she'll just say oh that's not true, you're just lying or doing this cos you feel bad (trying to then get me to reassure her again and again that no, I really want to do this for you, thus absolving her of ANY guilt) so really... .I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to reply to that message.

These days I am scared to look at my phone because I never know what message is waiting for me, what kind of blackmail is she going to try this time? Sometimes my pulse starts racing when I reach for my phone. When we were on good terms she tried once to just pop over without knocking, she just walked into my house, since then I've started locking the door. Sometimes I'm scared to leave the house, because I don't know if she might be waiting outside to try and start a fight.

Has anyone gone through a scenario like this before?

[Mutt]

Hi CocoBelle,

I'm sorry that you're going through a stressful week and I'm sorry that your mom is ungrateful and is not validating all of the work that you're doing for her her birtday. I agree with you with taking the high road don't stoop to her level she probably wants attention on her birtday. She's throwing up a lot of FOG right now, especially Guilt from FOG, I know that you don't have enough time but you can try to make it a long term goal to depersonalize her behaviour when she is emotionally blackmailing you.

She's turning 60, it could be that hitting a milestone is upsetting or as you say she doesn't have a lot of friends so she might be feeling lonely about her birthday. As far as responding back to her look for something valid - validate the valid don't validate the invalid. These are waifish statements and I can understand how it would make someone feel sorry and trigger guilt within them, as I mentioned earlier be indifferent with her behaviours you neither like it or hate it. 

not that you care ANYWAY, but it's my birthday on Sunday and although it means nothing to you it actually means something to me. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going out with friends of my OWN and I don't need you to come by, not that you were going to ANYWAY (she has been complaining to me about not having friends and being extremely lonely because I never have time for her... .) - And then another message; oh and I just hope you do better by your mother-in-law and that you treat her better than you've treated me.

Maybe you can find something different to validate or validate in a different way but what I see that is valid is the part that I highlighted. I'd BIFF it (Brief Inormative Friendly Firm) and say something like ":)o you have plans with your friends because I have plans for us. Please let me know. Thanks." Thoughts?

[Turkish]

Agree with the BIFF. Longer messages provide too many targets. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi CocoBelle,

I think Mutt makes a good suggestion. You can write something simple back to your mom. You don't have to justify, argue, defend, or explain (J.A.D.E.). Just validate that her birthday is a big deal and that you had made plans to spend time with her. If you still want to, I'd offer that directly, too.

Hi Mom, turning 60 is a milestone and I agree it's a big deal. I made plans to spend time together on your special day. Can we find some time before or after your get together with friends to celebrate together?

Only if that is what you want to do, of course. I understand feeling angry about the messages your mom is sending you—I've been there and it's very frustrating. It's very tough to detach from that kind of baiting, especially coming from someone so significant to you.

What would you like to happen, CocoBelle?

heartandwhole