Suggestions on how to move forward

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi

I have never used a message board like this before but I am feeling a bit stuck and I don't really know how to move forward. I am hoping for some advice from someone who is going or has gone through this themselves.

The BPD in my life is my husband of 17 years.  We have recently separated. The catalyst for the separation was his recent affair (2nd during marriage that I am aware of).  We have 2 beautiful children.  We currently share custody 50% in a birds nesting arrangement where the kids remain in the house and we move in and out.  He has indicated a desire (?an expectation) to get back together.  I don't think I can go back to him; to be honest my only motivation for going back would be so that I could be with our children more.  He believes I am overreacting; that he thought the affair would be good for the marriage. He says this is my fault and has accused me of planning it.  He has only recently been diagnosed as having BPD.

I am struggling with guilt and fear. Fear that it is all my fault and that any minute someone will tell me I should have tried harder.  Guilty because I gave it everything I could for so long but it wasn't enough; I am not enough. The thought of putting myself first by not going back is really hard.  I feel guilty that I don't have enough empathy for him and how he may be feeling. I worry about our kids and I miss them so much it physically hurts.

I had thought that over time I would feel 'free' but, I don't.  I actually feel more stuck. I feel trapped by his expectation of reconciliation and I am stuck with myself.  I have no confidence left and I have no idea what to do with myself.  I have no interests or hobbies and very few friends.  I don't even know where to start to change any of this.  I would appreciate advice, I hope that if I can focus on making some positive change then I will be able to stop feeling the way I do.

Thanks.








 

 

[1lucky mummy]

Hi

I have never used a message board like this before but I am feeling a bit stuck and I don't really know how to move forward. I am hoping for some advice from someone who is going or has gone through this themselves.

The BPD in my life is my husband of 17 years.  We have recently separated. The catalyst for the separation was his recent affair (2nd during marriage that I am aware of).  We have 2 beautiful children.  We currently share custody 50% in a birds nesting arrangement where the kids remain in the house and we move in and out.  He has indicated a desire (?an expectation) to get back together.  I don't think I can go back to him; to be honest my only motivation for going back would be so that I could be with our children more.  He believes I am overreacting; that he thought the affair would be good for the marriage. He says this is my fault and has accused me of planning it.  He has only recently been diagnosed as having BPD.

I am struggling with guilt and fear. Fear that it is all my fault and that any minute someone will tell me I should have tried harder.  Guilty because I gave it everything I could for so long but it wasn't enough; I am not enough. The thought of putting myself first by not going back is really hard.  I feel guilty that I don't have enough empathy for him and how he may be feeling. I worry about our kids and I miss them so much it physically hurts.

I had thought that over time I would feel 'free' but, I don't.  I actually feel more stuck. I feel trapped by his expectation of reconciliation and I am stuck with myself.  I have no confidence left and I have no idea what to do with myself.  I have no interests or hobbies and very few friends.  I don't even know where to start to change any of this.  I would appreciate advice, I hope that if I can focus on making some positive change then I will be able to stop feeling the way I do.

Thanks.








 

 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 1LM, Welcome!  You have come to the right place.  I'm sorry that you feel so stuck and lost.  Your story is quite familiar.  I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years, with two kids, so I can relate to your situation.  Be careful about allowing your pwBPD to slip rocks into your backpack:

He believes I am overreacting; that he thought the affair would be good for the marriage. He says this is my fault and has accused me of planning it.  He has only recently been diagnosed as having BPD.

Those w/BPD are experts at shifting the blame to the Non, because it takes responsibility off their plate.  Your task, I suggest, is to let the blame roll off you like water off a duck.  I have a saying: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."

The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself, by being kind and compassionate to yourself.  Return the focus to yourself and your needs.  What is the best path for you?  You get the idea.  Do you have any particular questions?

LuckyJim

[Outdoors Girl]

Welcome to the discussion boards lucky mommy!  I have found them only recently and it helped to share my story.

I'm so sorry about what has happened in your marriage.  I know first hand how painful it is when someone you love jumps right into another relationship, it hurts!

Do you think there are some specific things you can do to begin to focus on yourself?  When we feel strong and whole it really helps us deal with the dysfunction in our relationship.

I hope you feel better!  Keep writing here whenever you can!

[shabazz]

Hi

I have never used a message board like this before but I am feeling a bit stuck and I don't really know how to move forward. I am hoping for some advice from someone who is going or has gone through this themselves.

The BPD in my life is my husband of 17 years.  We have recently separated. The catalyst for the separation was his recent affair (2nd during marriage that I am aware of).  We have 2 beautiful children.  We currently share custody 50% in a birds nesting arrangement where the kids remain in the house and we move in and out.  He has indicated a desire (?an expectation) to get back together.  I don't think I can go back to him; to be honest my only motivation for going back would be so that I could be with our children more.  He believes I am overreacting; that he thought the affair would be good for the marriage. He says this is my fault and has accused me of planning it.  He has only recently been diagnosed as having BPD.

I am struggling with guilt and fear. Fear that it is all my fault and that any minute someone will tell me I should have tried harder.  Guilty because I gave it everything I could for so long but it wasn't enough; I am not enough. The thought of putting myself first by not going back is really hard.  I feel guilty that I don't have enough empathy for him and how he may be feeling. I worry about our kids and I miss them so much it physically hurts.

I had thought that over time I would feel 'free' but, I don't.  I actually feel more stuck. I feel trapped by his expectation of reconciliation and I am stuck with myself.  I have no confidence left and I have no idea what to do with myself.  I have no interests or hobbies and very few friends.  I don't even know where to start to change any of this.  I would appreciate advice, I hope that if I can focus on making some positive change then I will be able to stop feeling the way I do.

Thanks.








 

 

Hello lucky mummy,
Take care of yourself first! I know its foreign for us who put ourselves last and others first as a hobby, but it is a must for good mental health. Next don't make any rash decisions. If you decide to get back with him you have time and you want to make sure your in the right state of mind, if that is what you choose to do. It is necessary that you have good tools trust me. I was drowning after a year. I know you are a lucky mummy, you lasted 17 years.

[heffen]

Hi lucky mummy.

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I just wanted to let you know I am in a similar situation as you and if it helps you are not alone.

My ex had BPD and I tried everything to do my best in the relationship. Towards the end she was verbally/ emotionally abusive and I caught her inappropriately talking to other guys throughout our relationship. It's been 6 months since we broke up and I still constantly battle with whether I could've done more, been better, was I totally clueless about women. Was I not enough of a man, will I never love again, am I doomed to be alone, will the next one be worse, you name it. But at the same time some part of me knows that she isn't good for me as much as I live her. And even if we do get back she won't respect me and value me. I have never felt so much pleasure and yet so much pain in a relationship.

On how to move forward it takes time. You won't just wake up tomorrow and be over it. I also lost a lot of friends due to the breakup and find myself lonely at times in a city that's not my home town. But right now I'm staying single until I can get through this and trying my best to fill my day with things that make me feel good and fulfilled. Whether that's my hobby, work, sports, art. I still have a few friends and so I see them and have fun. My life has vastly changed due to this breakup but I know that when the day comes when my heart is finally at peace I will truly be the strongest/ greatest version of myself.

Hope I've helped in some way. Take it a day at a time and don't give up on yourself because you deserve it.