Hey there Randomuser94,
I'm a bit ashamed of this as I broke NC rule for me. I know I should have cut all ties to her but I just had to see it with my own eyes. I've seen her texts with his new guy and it's basically the same conversation she had with me, same tactics, same dialogues,everything... .
I've been together for 2 years and 6 months. She left me out of the blue and painted me black. She tried at one point to make me crawl back. She gave me a 'window' but I've refused another cycle. A part of me wants her back, hopes that I get the chance for another cycle... maybe things will be different but I know my brain will fight this wish/feeling.
Back to the subject:
They met recently. As with me, they had sex instantly and started a relation together. The guy received msgs about how she has this feeling that the guy is special, unlike the others before him, how strong this connection is for her and how afraid is that she will get to love him too much and the guy will leave; how he is so special and they share so many things together. All of this combined with some dramas about "him not caring about her anymore" because she was with his brother instead of her. The push and pull over and over again.
All of this after basically 2 weeks or less of being together.
Seeing all of those msgs felt like a spear trough my heart. I've read a lot about those things... that you are not special to them, that their "love" is just affection and everything, but seeing with my own eyes how they use the same words with their next target is truly painful. I was and am as "special" as the guys before and after me.
I think the moment where I said stop for her cycle she just moved her full attention to another target.
Has anyone recycled or received recycle attempts after you've told them you are aware of this manipulation game they are playing?
How do ya do? First let me start off by saying, its okay that you've broken the NC. Don't beat yourself up because you knew in your mind that you should have cut her off but yet perhaps your heart is not ready to do so. Perhaps if i may, how long have you maintained NC before you reconnected with her?
I hope that your recently reconnection with her has not triggered and trauma or past hurts anew. It must be very painful to see someone you had loved, invested time and energy repeat a "pattern" on someone else but you. How you are feeling is valid and it takes time to emotionally detach whatever hopes, dreams and plans you had made while you were in the relationship.
It is indeed as your say, your mind is fighting against your heart which is effectively in a state "confusion" or technically understood as "cognitive dissonance". We as humans are creatures of comfort and habit. Our brain actually goes through a state of shock or cold turkey. While your mind can clearly tell you that this isn't good, your heart which may still well be emotionally attached would do the very opposite thing.
I am sorry to hear about the recent turn of events with your ex, especially the activities which she has so quickly engaged in after your break up. At this point, sometimes one would question if this person had truly loved us. In my own experience, my uBPDexGF had painted me black and systematically blocked me out of her life when i said no to the emotional and verbal abuse, nitpicking of my personality.
The thing is for a person who has been diagnosed having BPD as a condition, the lack of "object constancy" is one of the fundamental issues. "Object constancy" which i quote from psychology today is "Basically, object constancy suggests that, at some point in our early development, humans express the capacity to understand that ‘out of sight' doesn't mean ‘gone'. This is a very important idea, as it is one of the core elements of interpersonal relationship and informs everything from romantic love to jealousy to Borderline Personality Disorder."
The source of reference and citation purpses to the quote above can be found here
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/enlightened-living/200805/understanding-constancy-in-relationship So to answer your question about manipulation or rather "perceived manipulation" to the receiving individual. A recycle attempt happens regardless whether you've made them aware about playing this "manipulation game". I would even go as far as to say that they do not share the same worldview that their actions are considered "manipulative" nor are they actually consciously playing a game, or even playing their own game.
It would be accurate to frame it as such... .that people suffering from BPD tend to seek others as a source of comfort, or the more technical definition would be a source of "Supply" to meet that great need of comfort. I wouldn't say that they are manipulative, rather i see a very wounded and insecure individual who desperate needs to soothe their own individual needs that they would literally do
anything... .self harm, reconnecting with exes ( which are a source of familiarity and comfort ), lying etc, ... .not knowing that the very act of doing so can be deem as betrayal or cheating. These actions would seem to us without reasonable doubt at all... .manipulative. But i must say the motivation for their actions are totally different as i have mentioned.
The attempt at another round of recycle might be for this said purpose. They are easily wounded and need a constant source and supply of comfort to soothe their needs. I hope this little explanation helps.
Spero
