Struggling with what was real vs. what was a lie. Actions/words did not align.

[Darkblaez]

Still struggling with what was real vesus what was a lie. In my case there was a lot of deception, dishonesty, unfaithfulness taking place from my ex

Is someone with BPD capable of loving, caring, and expressing themselves this way? I have all of these cards, letters, notes where she expresses love, caring, life long comittment, I'm the greatest husband, etc. Always positive as one would expect from love notes, etc.

Her actions did not align with her words along with all of the cheating

So was any of her words real? or was it all a lie to create the illusion I needed to remain hers so to speak? Still confused over this since the devistation is so fresh.

Appreciate any insight or thoughts... .

-Darkblaez

[Rinzler]

They are for the moment maybe, momentarily real.  After that moment and you should consider immediately right after that moment it means nothing.  Like once the card was written she put it down or left it for you somewhere.

This is basically a human robot with very screwed up operating system.  Just imagine it is glitching from almost all angles except deception and conniving and entrapment, an emotional vampire robot.

Unlink those moments in your mind as genuine. They for all intents and purposes are not and were not for more than the length of those moments.

Welcome here you will read about the nightmare these ppl are in reality.

[JNChell]

 
Hi, Darkblaez! Welcome to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this right now, but rest assured that you brought your struggles to a safe place. We’re a support group and we help each other here. We’re glad you found us.

Is someone with BPD capable of loving, caring, and expressing themselves this way? I have all of these cards, letters, notes where she expresses love, caring, life long comittment, I'm the greatest husband, etc. Always positive as one would expect from love notes, etc.

In my experience, I believe they are capable of having these feelings and genuinely expressing them. However, it can be a short lived experience for them. Emotionally, pwBPD suffer from arrested development . They have the emotional maturity of a toddler, to at best, a pre-teen. I have a 3 year old Son. He can be completely enthralled with me and very affectionate one minute, and the next minute tell me he doesn’t like me anymore and to leave him alone. I didn’t do anything to cause the shift. It’s just my Son’s mind growing. You see, this is where a pwBPD emotions stopped maturing. Their emotions were hurt severely at a young age, and those wounds didn’t get closure.

So was any of her words real? or was it all a lie to create the illusion I needed to remain hers so to speak? Still confused over this since the devistation is so fresh.

Some were, and perhaps, some weren’t. It all depends on where your pwBPD was mentally and emotionally at the time. You’re right. This is all very confusing, and it takes time to wrap our minds around what we’ve been through. It sounds like you’re pretty raw from all of this right now. I understand because I’ve been there. If you’re comfortable in doing so, can you share more about your relationship with us? It will help us to better understand the dynamics and talk with you about them.

I’m sorry that you had to find us for the reasons that you have, but glad you did. We empathize with you, and we hear you. Welcome, Darkblaez.

[Cromwell]

 

everything she told you is not about you but herself.

it is things that she desperately wants for herself and for you to tell her.

there was no end to how much I did to assures mines how much love i felt for her, the more i did, the less she loved me.

confused?

did her words match her actions?

[Skip]

Before I comment, I just wanted to say that you sound like a great guy. Buying the house near her parents, working on it at night, letting her be a stay at home wife... .don't lose this part of you. One day, the right women will adore you for being so generous.

Your wife obviously had extreme attachment issues... .sounds like it bordered on histrionic sex addiction... .where her self worth was tied up in having men "want her".

It doesn't mean she didn't love you - she probably did. It means she also wanted this "validation" and it made her feel alive. People that function in this mode often compartmentalize their life and come to live fully in each compartment and believe their actions in one compartment shouldn't (probably don't) affect the people in another compartments. Theirs is a very selfish love. They think of it more as receiving than giving.

For her is was histrionic behavior, for others its serial affairs, for some its just constant flirting... .there is a need.

Why did she move on? It's possible she found someone who connected with this... .accepted it... .maybe a voyeur... .

I can't imagine the heartbreak you suffered, relieving this over and over again after you thought that is was resolved.

[NGU]

Hi Darkblaez.

It's nice to see you posted again.

Just wanted to comment on two things.

You mentioned in your first post that the wounds seem like they're way too slow to heal. Yes, yes and yes. You want to feel better; you might even know how, but you can't. The only thing that has ever helped me was looking back at other bad times and realizing the low mood always subsides over time. It gave me just enough patience to wait it out.

Also, Skip mentioned not losing the good parts of you. It's possible you might not care about that right now, but it's important.   

OK, I did lose one decent part of me. I don't open car doors for people anymore. That's about it.

-ngu

[Darkblaez]

Everyone thank you for the responses, this is helping me and appreciated. As requested here is more about the relationship. I will try to bite this off in small chunks as there was a lot.

My ex has a lot of deficits of which we discussed over the course of time. After I came to know her parents I realized that on the mother's side there were 7 siblings, all but 2 had mental health issues, the other 2 suffered periodically from depression. 3 of the Siblings have Schizophrenia. All of the females in the family have issues with their own gender and sexuality. There were issues on that side of the family with some unwelcome contact with siblings and relatives. The grandmother had mental health issues as well but was able to produce 7 children.

My ex's mother is deceptive, lies, does not know the difference between true and the lies she spews, blurts out random things, and zones out. Seems there is a mental health issue with my ex's mother from what I could tell.

Her father on the other hand was spoiled rotten, gets his feelings hurt easily, has to have everything sugar coated. I once had a conversation with him for 20 minutes on integrity because of a deal we had he never followed through and tried to get more money out of me. That conversation made him retreat and not talk to me for 2 weeks. Seems it was ok for him to rip me off but if I questioned him or discussed it, he went in to a hurt little boy mode.

That's the family background. What I learned from my ex and from her parents is that they decided to home school both she and her younger brother. Mind you her parents are incapable of even taking good care of themselves let alone children. The home schooling failed because the mother just gave them books, did not teach them how to read and so forth. Expected them to open the books and teach themselves. They tended to focus more on the son then my ex because in that family the boy carries on the family name.

My ex indicated she wanted to end her life so many times growing up because it was always dark in the house, never being able to socialize with friends outside their faith (Jehovah Witnesses). Her mom was always on the phone talking to siblings from morning until late at night. She was ignored, saw her brother getting the attention and being put first.

My ex's medical was ignored growing up, DHS was called in a number of times. She turned to the internet to make friends and I think this plays in to this some way.

Rolling forward, while I discovered this over time, my ex indicated to me she would like to have a diploma and go to school. I knew this was a big deal for her so I enrolled her in an accredited online school (this was shortly after we were engaged). She struggled with it but I sat there in the evenings with her and helped her (took her 2 years but she was very happy with the achievement). One thing that my ex was upset about was after I enrolled her and paid for this, her dad enrolled her brother and paid for it. She was quite upset that her parents would not do anything for her but appreciative that I took care of this.

Since her medical was neglect as well, once we were engaged I set her up with some needed wisdom teeth extraction since they were causing her pain (she had no insurance so I paid this out of pocket). Likewise, her hormones were off and her body was under developed so I paid for her obgyn and starting high does of hormones to start the usual process.

Those were the early days. As we were married and time rolled forward, I discovered more deficits, the inability to organize her thoughts, rambling when we talked as in if the conversation was long say as I drove to work it was all over the place with many topics covered in short snippets. She had issues planning, issues remembering things. To help her with this I asked her to use the white board or notepad to make lists to help her. I also work with her on word searches and things to exercise her mind. Was not sure what really to do since this is not my expertise.

Most of these deficits I could work with, since I was the provider and doing everything I thought a good husband should do, I attempted to make the environment easier for her to work within and yet challenging enough for her to grow if that makes sense.

As an example, in the 7 years we were together, she learned how to cook 6 different dishes. I considered that progress I suppose. So to make preparing dinner easier. Keep in mind I use to do all of the cooking but she wanted to take on these tasks as a stay at home wife. I decided to work with her to precook meals, vacuum pack them, organize them, including vacuum packing Sous Vide meals so she could easily prepare the meals. I was trying to always set her up for success to minimize her frustration and feelings of not knowing fundamentals.

Here's where this all gets sideways, her constant cheating, being online, actions not aligning with words, broken promises, lack of integrity, the deception, dishonesty, etc. These were all going on the entire time. My gut told me to punt her to the curb when this level of cheating took place after the engagement, but I stuck with it and probably should not have.

There is a lot more I did for her since a portion of the 10acres I bought was also to put her 8 horses on along with building the house. So much to this story that looking back on it I should have run for the hills... .

I'll let this smallish chunk of additional info set in and add more if others are interested... .

Again thank you all I appreciate your support

-Darkblaez

[Shawnlam]

Darkblaze. I was never married to my BPD girl but from the cheating perspective I can relate.I used to work in the same company as my ex and when I let her go the first time the rumor mill kicked in.She had slept with 7 guts at work,suppliers and customers.When I dated her she told me she used to be and escort,had lesbian experiences and that her sister had a swingers room (now that I think of it ,she told me because she used it obviously)... I also had found out she cheated on all her boyfriends and even me .So long story short cheating for them is like getting a cup of coffee at a diner,just no big deal daily event.I don’t think they really care because in their sick way it’s just no hurting us.

[AnuDay]

I did the same thing Darkblaez.  Tried to educate her and take care of her until she destroyed my finances.  We, as codependents bend over backwards for these people and we accept all types of abuse from them.  Abuse that we would not take from a normal functioning person. 

Yes, the cheating and the lies are common.  The low sense of morals and self-worth go hand in hand.  Realize that you are complicit in this and that your hands are not 100% clean.  Look yourself in the mirror and face your own insecurities and uncertainties.  Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone with so many "deficits", as you call it.

[Cromwell]

it breaks my heart to read all that.
If I can share my experience which parallels a lot of what youve been through yourself, to identify similarities. first I think especially your post triggered my recall having same experience with regards to teaching my ex how to cook. I really enjoyed helping her learn skills which she really lacked in despite being bright, I thought it would give her some confidence as one of the things she mentioned to me when she was ideating suicide was how useless she felt. I remember teaching her to bake. As a guy who was brought up with women always cooking for me, it always felt wrong to me that I couldnt get on a weekend morning, the sort of things I did long for such as a cooked breakfast served to me in bed. small tokens of love considering I did also work full time in a demanding job. im not saying I was training her for this! just that I was taken aback that she only subsisted on fast food, usually chicken nuggets with no sauce and throughout our relationship discovered she was inept at almost anything except for manipulation which in the end, she wasnt that good at that anymore either.  

Its obvious looking back that she was super private about her upbringing and felt a sense of shame about it, as it was a subject she would occassionaly dip into but not reveal much, but from your account with your ex wife I can gather that there must have been a lot of neglect in terms of what she should have got. this does give me a lot more empathy and fills in the blanks more with my own experience so thanks for your post on that.

In regards to trying to give you more insight; I can only say that your story parallels mines and nearly every other i have read in the sense of the inordinate amount of caretaking provided only to be met with complete disregard to your feelings when they lie and cheat then come back as if nothing ever happened. This was the heartbreaking deal breaker for me. but what I have come to terms with to believe is that with borderlines, they need a caretaker emotionally and very often practically (part of the condition is not able to manage things like finances). i loved her and was excellent at this role, they are impulsive and thrive on drama and chaos. promiscuity is part of an outlet, such as drugs and alcoholism are. they fill periods of emptiness.

boredom and stability were my exs worst enemy. the more stability i provided and the better her life became as a result, the more she pushed against it. if you imagine an adolescent that constantly wants to push boundaries, go out and have fun, then comes home and gets cared for, reprimanded, but doesnt expect to get kicked out and would be traumatised to be abandoned which most parents dont do unless it is really serious. well doesnt that parallel a lot with regards to our experience?

borderlines are very much stuck in arrested development. I didnt marry mines but as a girlfriend she really played more a role of me being a surrogate parent for the ones she didnt have. as she had big hatred towards her absent dad and idolised her mother, it was easy when it suited her to paint me black and associate me with him.

i wouldnt even say i was a rescuer personality, all I wanted was a fun time with an attractive woman. it started off that way and was perfect, but slowly I became a rescuer-caretaker role. like you said, i should have ran for the hills at the first signs, but she did a good job of manipulating me enough to keep me hooked in to that role, the times I did start to detach she was an expert at re-creating the honeymoon phase we originally went through. she learned this all from her mother who there was far too close an emotionally inscetious bond that developed during her younger years when the father had to leave. Its like she had been brainwashed against her dad, and part of that is where the splitting comes from. she had to do this to get along with the only inept single parent that was left for her survival and it became ingrained, but at the same time it is a repressed lie.

these i believe are the sort of core trauma wounds that have caused them to not be able to mature into healthy adults. Just like my own issues from childhood caused me to feel the need to fix someone when in reality, i should have taken my own interests first. I did "love" her though, and I guess that there is a price to pay for doing so.

[Cromwell]

Darkblaze. I was never married to my BPD girl but from the cheating perspective I can relate.I used to work in the same company as my ex and when I let her go the first time the rumor mill kicked in.She had slept with 7 guts at work,suppliers and customers.When I dated her she told me she used to be and escort,had lesbian experiences and that her sister had a swingers room (now that I think of it ,she told me because she used it obviously)... I also had found out she cheated on all her boyfriends and even me .So long story short cheating for them is like getting a cup of coffee at a diner,just no big deal daily event.I don’t think they really care because in their sick way it’s just no hurting us.

but when I (didnt even cheat, I slept with one of our mutual friends) during a time we fell out and split up, it caused her to go insane.

i agree they are completely amoral when it comes to the concept of fidelity, but it is a complete one-way hypocritical street. just like most of the abuse other than that, the minute I would respond, she couldnt handle it.

i did get a clue once, and its led me to believe that part of the cheating is sort of a pre-emptive strike to protect themselves even for the possibility that they would be cheated on and 'abandoned'. They also do it when they have maybe found the next target after feeling too engulfed and think there is a better opportunity. she was always paranoid and distrustful about me staying faithful, for absolutely no rational reason.

[Darkblaez]

All of your replies have help me understand this more fully and starting to come to grips with it. I am thankful that I held off on children with my ex. She was in this constant baby-mode as she called it. She constantly wanted to start the family very early in the relationship. But I held off until we were more settled. Then once I moved her closer to her parents and horses (which again the property I bought was portioned for the 8 horses and building our house).

Do to fertility issues we had just started in 2017 her hormone treatments when she discovered she had endometriosis among other issues so children would be a challenge for her possibly. Guess it worked out as it needed to because I can only imagine how things would be in this relationship if children were apart of it.

I think this last affair where I confronted her was different then the others in that this time she had option to move in with him or her parents. I found out she moved in with her parents the night I confronted her then focused on her new guy fully.

During this time up until and through the divorce she was stringing me a long to pay her bills of which she was obligated to since the separation that night.

I think what troubles me is that during every online encounter and every affair she labeled me the “abusive ex”. I understand not letting them know she is married, but I assume the “abusive ex” part was to find a guy who was sympathetic  and wanting to swoop in which makes it easier for her to hook him. This is how this last affair evolved but she took it one step further and relayed to her family that I was abusive, just her immediate family not the uncles, aunts, etc which I assume she knew they would find out the truth since the uncles like me and are close to me. But why the need to create a tale of abuse?

I can say that the divorce went quick, she got stuck with all of her own debt, about $14,000 and I have mine. She is unable to pay her debt as she does not want to get a job, has no car insurance, no healthcare insurance, relies on a cell phone he bought her and is pretty much without transportation so has to sit around until this new guy calls and takes her out. Do BPD people not want to be more in control then sitting around waiting for their target to be available?

I did notice she left many things behind, many keepsakes she claimed she treasures, and so much more, about 8 boxes, so I have just put to the side. Should I assume if she really wanted these she would have taken them in the first place? Are these a way back in to my life, like panted for that purpose?

The best thing out of all this is I will heal, she will repeat this cycle, and I will learn from this, work on my being codependent and focus on myself for a while. I’m certain I will go through many ups and downs. I thank you all for your continued support and this is helping me a lot to understand what I was dealing with and to proceed with healing. I cannot even tell you the dark thoughts I had the first few weeks but glad I am past that.

-Darkblaez

[AnuDay]

Yes, I've heard it all before too.  I was abusive and this new guy was so nice and he was "the one", of course that relationship only lasted a few months.  The important thing is that you stood up for yourself and took a stance and you weren't going to tolerate that behavior anymore that's what I had to do and now I feel better about myself for doing that, for not being a doormat anymore.  Her belongings are there so that she can weasel her way back in; she always needs a safe haven.  11 months later and my ex still had stuff in my apt. I slowly left it outside for her to pick up and when she didn't I threw it out.
Get rid of the stuff fast and learn to do it with No Remorse. Nobody should string you along.  No woman is that important.  Be thankful you didn't have children.  Mine wanted kids so bad, she said she would be the perfect mom because she knew all about taking care of kids from "raising" her sister, little did I know that the kids would just be used to boost her own self worth and feelings of security.  My kids are not that well taken care of when they are with her.  God has truly blessed you Darkblaez.  You are one of the lucky ones.  I envy you.