watching her deteriorating mental state, can't do anything :(

[Lady Itone]

Just had another disastrous videochat with gfBPD31 who lives in a group home a few hours away. Her eggs are so scrambled, and I don't handle it well. Seeing her so confused and disheveled makes me totally an emotionally wreck, and I either start pressuring her to DO something or I burst into tears.

This time I pressured her to join therapy or a support group, and she started sobbing, and ran off leaving the videochat on. I feel awful. I messaged her an apology for overwhelming her, I didn't mean to get her in such an emotional state. My own sense of desperation just takes over my logic--I want her to be HER again so badly.

Only half of what she says makes sense, and she's stuttering, so communicating is frustrating and confusing. I don't know how to calm myself and be patient when she can't answer a simple question. We had messaged a bit about maybe taking a long weekend away together to celebrate my birthday at the end of the month, but she's so sick, how can we? Today she acknowledged she doesn't feel like she can safely ride a bus or figure out how to pack a bag.

But as far as I gathered, she hasn't been going to any groups. She hasn't seen a therapist in 2 weeks. I don't think she has a social worker or a house manager or anything. I tried to get a sense of what she does all day, as far as I can tell, she plans drs appointments in hopes she'll get adderall, and makes bad graphic art on her tablet. I asked her if she went outside today, she said she took a walk. I asked if she talked to anyone of her housemates, she said yes, and said she was asked to turn down the A.C...  

She seems to have moments of clarity, and then, seconds later, she cannot string a thought together. To think, just a month and a half ago, she was more lucid and coherent than I'd ever seen her. What the F happened?

I gave her brother a head's up last time I talked to her a few days ago, to ask him to check up on her, but her family lives across the country. I don't know what else I can do. I cannot go get her and try to nurse her back to sanity. Can I? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Lady Itone]

Now I'm actually thinking about making a detour to visit her in the halfway house, after working my butt off for weeks to do something nice for myself, instead of taking the trip I want on my birthday. Except I promised myself that I wouldn't go to places like that anymore on her behalf. But that seems so cruel of me when I realize how deeply sick she is.

Just think, not long ago she had the wherewithal to rent a car and navigate a 5 hour drive both directions. We went to restaurants and the beach like normal people.

[Mutt]

Hi Lady Itone,

I know that it’s hard to watch someone you care about struggling to function. Do they have staff at the group home? Why did you tell yourself that you didn’t want to go to the group home?

[Lady Itone]

Do they have staff at the group home? Why did you tell yourself that you didn’t want to go to the group home?

I don't think they have staff. It's hard to get answers out of her. I don't understand how much or how little supervision goes on. Probably I just need to chill and be glad she isn't on the streets or living in a tent in my yard again.

I don't want to spend time with her in psyche wards and group homes, I want her to get herself out of such places. She doesn't even get her own room there, like an adult. I'll feel the same repulsion I felt when I saw the old boat she lived on for a while or her crappy basement room with no windows. I know it sounds awful, to not want to be in the only places she can afford.

I had this awful dream the other night where I was at a party and someone put this little white dog I  my arms and I could tell it was sick so I didn't dare put it down but no one would claim it. It's fur kept getting in my eyes and mouth and it's fleas tore up my face but I kept trying to find its owners. Finally everyone convinced me to put it down and another bigger dog killed it.

[Mutt]

Maybe check in with her on video chat? It’s been a day see how she’s holding up.

[Lady Itone]

Thanks Mutt, but I'm pretty sure she's got me set to "ignore." I can tell she's on Facebook but not opening my messages. I could try regular phone I guess, but I don't know what to even say. What could I do for her except feel bad that she's feeling bad? I don't want to take on a mentally ill adult, cute as she can be sometimes.

She's not prone to suicidal thoughts/actions, though she used to self-harm when I first met her. I feel like I do more harm than good when I talk to her because I'm not able to pretend everything's ok, and I'm not able to tell her what she wants to hear (move back in with me and be my babygirl.) Maybe I don't really help her at all by staying engaged, I don't know. It's just so sad.

[pearlsw]

I don't know how to calm myself and be patient when she can't answer a simple question.  

I can relate. My partner has not been well, but now after 5 weeks on medication he is…well, not going back to an old self, but really seeming to emerge as a new person.

About yourself, forgive. Accept you are human and these are hard things to face. We want to be “good people” and do the right thing, but in the face of serious mental health issues…it is beyond challenging! You NEED breaks. You need a way to keep perspective. And it is a very serious decision to take these things on or not.

I would say to watch your thoughts. Try to stay in the moment and let go of expectations….and forgive yourself for your uncertainty and need to live your life as you see fit.

warmly, pearl.

[Lady Itone]

You NEED breaks. You need a way to keep perspective. And it is a very serious decision to take these things on or not.

I would try say to watch your thoughts. Try to stay in the moment and let go of expectations….and forgive yourself for your uncertainty and need to live your life as you see fit.

Thank you that's good advice. I can't tell how much FEAR OBLIGATION GUILT is at work, verses LOVE and even more predominately, PITY? Pity is a huge, huge factor here. 

Pearlsw is your husband on meds for the first time, or is he trying different meds?

UPDATE: She's messaging me again. She seems to have self-soothed, or found something or someone to soothe her, so yay. She says she went to doctor today for bloodwork and scans. She complains she's lost weight, then tells me she's run out of food stamps and can't buy food because she needs to save for my vacation trip! Then she tries to convince me to take a "staycation" instead of the trip I planned so she can just take the bus to my house and we can have sex. I guess she's feeling better... .

I feel like I'm giving up on her if I stop badgering her and challenging her, if I just accept that she's a charity case! I'm really struggling to accept where she's at, because she HAS done well at jobs and she HAS passed classes and she HAS been my girlfriend at moments. You know?   
 

[SunandMoon]

Hi Lady Itone

This is such a horrible situation - both for you and your girlfriend. I feel sorry for her too.

I forget how long she's been at this group home now. More than 3 months, isn't it? But she doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I don't think it's wrong for you to push her to do better, go to therapy, etc. You know what's she's capable of and you care about her. I would have thought that's what they would be doing at the home, that there would be a supervisor making sure she was doing therapy, attending group sessions, taking her meds properly, etc.

It shouldn't have to be you but this place doesn't seem to be doing much for her. It sounds more like a holding pen. Yes, she's off the streets and not in a psych ward but not much else. She sounds really lonely.

I know last time she stayed with you, she was checking out at group home nearby. Would you want to go and talk to them, see if there is a place for her yet or what they can suggest?

If she was closer, you could see each other more often and that may give her more strength and motivation. I think everyone does better when they have someone to support them.

[Lady Itone]

It shouldn't have to be you but this place doesn't seem to be doing much for her. It sounds more like a holding pen. Yes, she's off the streets and not in a psych ward but not much else. She sounds really lonely.

I know last time she stayed with you, she was checking out at group home nearby. Would you want to go and talk to them, see if there is a place for her yet or what they can suggest?

If she was closer, you could see each other more often and that may give her more strength and motivation. I think everyone does better when they have someone to support them.

Thank you for the empathy Sun and Moon. She's been there 4 months I think? I forget.

The place by me probably is better but she seems to have stopped trying to get herself there. I think they weren't returning her calls. When she was here she tried to get application and the people in the office just told her to call the same number she'd been calling. Of course she got discouraged.

Maybe I need to reintroduce the idea or even try to help her in if I can. Though honestly the idea of having her closer scares me. Closer might be better for her not sure if it is for me. My emotions towards her are so complicated