Onward and upward

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello BPDfam,
This is my first thread here and I feel nervous to post, and am also curious to explore these forums and learn from you all. So, thank you for taking the time to read!
Without going into a burdensome amount of detail, I am here because I want to grow and to understand myself and how my own behaviors and emotional hurts that drive some of those behaviors have played a part in the failure of previous relationships.
My last relationship was with someone that displayed symptoms of BPD, and it's only been with time apart and with counseling that I've been able to reframe my experiences with her in a way that doesn't lead me to feel like a total failure who is incapable of having a healthy romantic relationship. I don't harbor any ill will towards her because I understand that there are other emotional and cognitive forces at play in her life, and that even though it sucks to have been on the receiving end of the tirades and degradation, I can only imagine what kind of hurt she carries with her.
More recently though, an old relationship has resurfaced and it has shined a light on my own codependent behaviors. Beginning to learn what my role has been in previous unhealthy dynamics has rocked my boat as I take a certain kind of pride in playing the role of fixer, soother, and defuser. To know that my good intentions to help another have not been as helpful as I'd hoped, even harmful, is a blow to my ego (the do-gooder one, anyway)! I suppose I'm in the "self-inquiry" phase of things.
So, without crossing into "burdensome amount of detail" territory, I'll leave the intro at that. Any guidance is appreciated at this point in the journey (even if I'm not in the right place)!
Thank you! 

[nosnowhere]

Hello BPDfam,
This is my first thread here and I feel nervous to post, and am also curious to explore these forums and learn from you all. So, thank you for taking the time to read!
Without going into a burdensome amount of detail, I am here because I want to grow and to understand myself and how my own behaviors and emotional hurts that drive some of those behaviors have played a part in the failure of previous relationships.
My last relationship was with someone that displayed symptoms of BPD, and it's only been with time apart and with counseling that I've been able to reframe my experiences with her in a way that doesn't lead me to feel like a total failure who is incapable of having a healthy romantic relationship. I don't harbor any ill will towards her because I understand that there are other emotional and cognitive forces at play in her life, and that even though it sucks to have been on the receiving end of the tirades and degradation, I can only imagine what kind of hurt she carries with her.
More recently though, an old relationship has resurfaced and it has shined a light on my own codependent behaviors. Beginning to learn what my role has been in previous unhealthy dynamics has rocked my boat as I take a certain kind of pride in playing the role of fixer, soother, and defuser. To know that my good intentions to help another have not been as helpful as I'd hoped, even harmful, is a blow to my ego (the do-gooder one, anyway)! I suppose I'm in the "self-inquiry" phase of things.
So, without crossing into "burdensome amount of detail" territory, I'll leave the intro at that. Any guidance is appreciated at this point in the journey (even if I'm not in the right place)!
Thank you! 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey nosnowhere, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  How did you figure out that your Ex is likely suffering from BPD?  No, you're not a "total failure incapable of a healthy romantic r/s" just because your BPD r/s didn't work out!    BPD is incredibly challenging and most of us here on this Board have been through a failed r/s (or two) with a pwBPD, so you are not alone.  Most BPD r/s's, in my view, are not built for the long haul.  You seem quite self-aware in terms of recognizing your own codependent tendencies.  Most of us Nons are caretakers, to some extent, because you sort of have to be if you are in a BPD r/s.  It's OK, many of us have been down this road before you, so feel free to ask any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi nosnowhere,



Id like to join Lucky Jim and welcome you to bpdfamily. I can understand that it can be difficult to talk to others about your part in the r/s it takes guts to own your part. Change isn’t easy but substantial change us worth the effort. I’d like to echo Lucky Jim what was it about your ex that signaled that she is BPD? Is she diagnosed?

[nosnowhere]

Thanks y'all.

I’d like to echo Lucky Jim what was it about your ex that signaled that she is BPD? Is she diagnosed?

It's only been after reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Kreger and Mason that a lot of her behavior made sense. One week, everything seemed to be going well and then seemingly out of nowhere she would become incredibly angry. The smallest behaviors could evoke unwarranted rage. Especially in the mornings, I recall, she would interpret my tone as targeting her rather than as general early morning grumpiness, and things would spiral out from there, and I'd feel clueless as to what I could have said or done differently. I'd often put on my best face to take responsibility for whatever wrong I'd done in her eyes, and things would seem to "go back to normal."

Also, and I don't recall the BPD terminology for this kind of behavior, but I know it as "moving the goal posts." She would often tell me that I wasn't pulling my weight in the relationship and give me some kind of goal which once accomplished never was satisfactory and would be followed by another criticism, another way I was falling short in the relationship.

You seem quite self-aware in terms of recognizing your own codependent tendencies.  Most of us Nons are caretakers, to some extent, because you sort of have to be if you are in a BPD r/s.  It's OK, many of us have been down this road before you, so feel free to ask any particular questions.

I appreciate that, though it's only been very recently that my codependent tendencies have even been framed as such. It's one thing to see oneself as someone with good intentions, but it's another thing to have those good intentions framed as enabling behaviors that also serve oneself. And maybe my newness to the issues prevents me from seeing it in a more balanced way. Probably! So, I guess if I have a question about that, it's what do you do? Like, what do you do when you realize what role you've been playing in these unhealthy r/s dynamics? I see a therapist and journal a lot, though I guess I'm also eager to find some action items, or things to become aware of, keep an eye out for, y'know?

Thanks again, y'all.

[Cromwell]

Theres nothing to say that having codependent traits is necessarily a bad thing in relationships, just that it can be detrimental in certain ones. To move away from codependency is to reframe a prioritising of your needs before that of the other. That doesnt help much if your needs are "needing to be needed". Looking back I was subconsciously playing out a rescuer role to my ex in the sense that I picked up she wanted me to run after her, put her needs before my own. What can you do when you get an early morning call saying to come pick your partner up at 4am, 50 miles away because she decided to go out, get drunk and there are no taxis available. When I did take a tough stance on it I was told "its ok, I will just evade a taxi fare or failing that sleep in the bus shelter". In other words, emotional blackmail. I discovered soon enough a lot of these calls were a way of me "proving my love", thing is they never stopped and became even more ridiculous the more I fulfilled them.

The times I did stand my ground (not often), she would somehow manage to get home herself quite ok, but it did lead to then silent treatment and punishment in some form. A no-win situation.

So from one way it could be said that I was being co-dependent role, but in reality I find it more to do with just the necessary way of having to function in a borderline relationship, pandering to the borderlines needs before ones own in order to keep stability and avoidance of drama.

[Lucky Jim]

So, I guess if I have a question about that, it's what do you do? Like, what do you do when you realize what role you've been playing in these unhealthy r/s dynamics? I see a therapist and journal a lot, though I guess I'm also eager to find some action items, or things to become aware of, keep an eye out for, y'know?

Hey nosnowhere, The place to start, in my view, is by shifting the focus from the pwBPD to yourself.  Care-taking is often a way of avoiding self-care.  It also fosters dependency not the part of the care recipient.  On the surface it seems noble to help someone, yet actually it creates an unhealthy dynamic for both parties.  Awareness is the key to making changes.  Just pausing before reacting in knee-jerk fashion can be a step in the right direction. 

LJ