How to best negotiate pet care/visits with ex.

[Chirimoya]

Has anyone run into this?

My partner and I split up a month ago after 8 years together. After 3 drama filled weeks of living together, he moved out the day before Valentine's... .and straight in with another woman. He claims she's just a friend, but I doubt it. Needless to say, I was livid when I found out that this was what he was intending to do and sent him a series of stroppy texts over 24 hours, at which point he moved out. I have not initiated contact with him since, but he has been calling/texting every other day since. He keeps on wanting to pop by and see the cat! Like every other day! I let him come by on Saturday and then again yesterday (on both occasions while I was out).


He does adore the cat and is prob genuinely really missing her. I feel bad for him as I know it will be particularly hard for him to lose her because of his abandonment issues, but... .really? Coming round every other day?

We co-own the house so legally I can't prevent him from coming round. I am in the process of arranging for the house ownership to be transferred to me (with his consent). I don't know what to do till then. I feel that basically it's unhealthy for him to keep on coming round when we've split, and it makes it hard for me to move on. However, I know it's hard for him. I am wondering about setting one or two "cat visitation" days when he can come round if he wants while I'm at work. Then I won't have to keep on dealing with calls from him about this. Then in a month or two once the separation is legally finalized, setting a boundary that he can't do this anymore. Thoughts?

[FindingMe2011]

He does adore the cat and is prob genuinely really missing her. I feel bad for him as I know it will be particularly hard for him to lose her because of his abandonment issues, but... .really? Coming round every other day?


Its not about the cat, and the cat isnt stirring abandonment issues. The illness, is surviving

We co-own the house so legally I can't prevent him from coming round. I am in the process of arranging for the house ownership to be transferred to me (with his consent). I don't know what to do till then.

Until this is resolved, you dont have very many options... .As of now, it could get a lot worse, and expect it to... .So whatever youre doing to keep the peace, continue... .although maybe not as soon as you would like to see, there is an end in sight... .I wish u well, Peace

[spero]

Has anyone run into this?

He does adore the cat and is prob genuinely really missing her. I feel bad for him as I know it will be particularly hard for him to lose her because of his abandonment issues, but... .really? Coming round every other day?

I second this from what FindingMe2011 is saying. Its really not about the cat. The cat might just be a reason, to gain access to the house, which might be for him an object of attachment. It might be more of an abandonment issue, though it is the person himself/herself doing the abandoning, which can be very appalling.

Then in a month or two once the separation is legally finalized, setting a boundary that he can't do this anymore. Thoughts?

Just get ready for any drama and any emotional dysregulation if your ex-partner has displayed symptoms. Sometimes when the fear of abandoment becomes real, or perceived as real, some might go into a mode of hysteria. I'm not too sure how your partner had responded previously, so if i may ask. Was there DV? shouting? just irrational arguments, out bursts of anger etc, blame shifting etc? That just gives me a gauge of how you might want to possible protect yourself in the upcoming process. You may or may not need to weather a hurricane.

wishing you all the best,
spero.

[Chirimoya]

Thanks for the replies and confirming that it's "not just about the cat". I think he has an attachment to the cat, the house, me... .it is all tied in. Sounds like you think I should play nice until I have some actual leverage vis a vis the house ownership.

Not too worried about him totally losing it at this point as he has his new girlfriend to distract him. ... but am worried about what will transpire once that falls through.  As for what behaviour to expect, Spero, all of the above! Mainly yelling and blaming 

[valet]

I would shut the cat thing down now. He doesn't need to see the cat, be in the house, etc. If the relationship is over, he's going to have to learn to live without these things. Letting him have them now (and not later) is sending him mixed messages, while also placating his sense of entitlement.

You'll need to be firm with yourself about this breakup if you want to move on. And that has to start now, before the 'but' train comes to station.

You want to move on. So move on. Let it go—all of it.

[Speck]

Hello, Chirimoya!

I do have experience with this very thing. My uBPDw abruptly left me with three cats in Nov 2017. She just exploded and left. Over December, she would come by the house while I was at work (of course), and pack up what she thought was hers and leave me to come home to find the cupboards/closets/shelves bare. I'm sure she loved on and petted the cats while she was packing up her things, but ever since I packed up the rest of her things and brought them over to her storage locker and installed a brand new front door, cat visitation was officially over.

So... .I champion what valet says below:

I would shut the cat thing down now. He doesn't need to see the cat, be in the house, etc. If the relationship is over, he's going to have to learn to live without these things. Letting him have them now (and not later) is sending him mixed messages, while also placating his sense of entitlement.

Brilliant. I could not have said it better.

Of course, I own my house outright, and my uBPDw moved out of it. Her loss. All of it. Even the cats.

So... .I would encourage you to start setting boundaries about the cat, as it's not about the cat, as many here have already surmised. He was not thinking about the cat, or the consequences of losing the cat, when he went out and got a new girlfriend... .

Stick around - you will get a lot of support to help you through this. We are here for you.

Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

[tlc232]

Here here!   I 2nd (and 3rd) what the rest have said.   I also own the house (a big issue over the last few years, but when you pay for everything... .you own it!) and we (now I) have 3 dogs.   In the very beginning I was worried about the dogs being upset over the change.   That should say a lot -- when you find more loyalty and concern of balance in your pets!... . 

I feel the same as Speck (and others) noted --- you will come home to find the cat still there and everything you own gone one day.   Possession is 9/10ths of the law and this is an excuse to let him dip in and out of your personal space.   

He made a decision on abandoning everything when he walked out.   IF you are dealing with a true BPD, sooner or later you will likely hear that YOU were the cause of him having to take these "drastic measures" and moving in with another woman (this is where the rolled eyes emoticon would come in very handy).   If he has volatile behavior issues (as most do) -- lock it up.   The cat will learn to appreciate it and your mind will too.   They love peace in the home and who feeds them. 

I had one example where my ex professed to miss our very senior (blind and deaf) cocker spaniel.   True -- she did adore him at one point... .  but he was at the house one day not long after the events to pick up a few things.   I have installed an indoor/outdoor security / camera system (inexpensive via Nest and a great advantage to any issues) and noticed in the 30 mins he grabbed what he could, not one of those minutes was spent patting the dog on the head - ever.   Not even a sideways glance to her sitting in the same room on the pillow.

Get the house issue straight pronto... .lock it up.   In my mind, there's no good reason not to. 

[Chirimoya]

Thanks for the replies, guys. We had a final couples counselling session this evening, during which we discussed the terms of the separation. It turned into a huge row! As Spero predicted, he got a very dysregulated and was expressing some really crazy paranoid thoughts. He also threatened me with various things.

We agreed that he would not pop round to visit for the moment, and that really we need a break from contacting each other whilst we heal from the break up. He is going to come round next week to pack up his stuff while I'm away and will then hand his house key over. I'm a bit worried that he will try to take the cat away from me now that he realises the finality of it all. Briefly wondered about checking the cat into a shelter rather than leaving her in his care, but I think if I make an issue out of it he will just come round later and steal her from the garden. I will just have to trust to luck that he won't take her. If he does I can hopefully still get her back through the small claims court. What a headache!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Chirimoya,

How do you feel about him being in your personal space?  Are you comfortable with this?  It sounds from your post like you are concerned about him stealing the cat and would be upset and wish to keep the cat.  :)o I have that right?  If so, I have a suggestion.  :)on't let him in.  Check the cat into a shelter and arrange to pack up and send his things to him.  Or arrange a day he can collect them after you've gathered them together - supervised by a friend or family member perhaps?  If you think he is capable of taking that cat, what else might he take?

Do you have legal support regards the property situation?  Posting on the Family law, custody, co parenting, divorce board may be helpful at some point for advice around this if you are unsure about your rights.  For example, have you looked into whether it would it be within your rights to change the locks at any stage?  

Love and light x

[Chirimoya]

Thanks so much for this suggestion, Harley Quinn. I think you are right. I'm going to pack up his stuff and take it to a storage unit and then send him the key so he can pick it up from there.  I'll give him a time limit for picking it up. I'll send the cat to a cattery when I go away. He is not really materialistic so I don't think he will make off with my stuff, but as he is quite dysregulated and thinking paranoid thoughts at the moment I think it is possible he would take the cat to which he is very attached. I'm not entitled to change the locks at this stage as he is a co owner.

[spero]

I'm going to pack up his stuff and take it to a storage unit and then send him the key so he can pick it up from there.  I'll give him a time limit for picking it up. I'll send the cat to a cattery when I go away... .I think it is possible he would take the cat to which he is very attached.

That is an excellent suggestion which would be a kind of litmus test. I guess from his actions this will determine if he is purely using the cat as an excuse or well, is really attached to the cat. Or, he has other reasons as to why he is coming back to the apartment. Watch that behaviour~

I hope you are doing and feeling better

spero.

[Speck]

I guess from his actions this will determine if he is purely using the cat as an excuse or well, is really attached to the cat. Or, he has other reasons as to why he is coming back to the apartment. Watch that behaviour.

Another good point by Spero.


-Speck

[Radcliff]

Chirimoya,

It's been a while.  How are you and your furry feline doing?

WW

[Chirimoya]

Hi Wentworth, thanks for checking in with me. I'm doing pretty well. In the end, I did pack up the ex's stuff and put it into storage as planned, and sent my cat to stay with my mum for a couple of weeks to keep her away from the ex. She's now back with me

It's been about 6 weeks now since the split, so really I'm just trying to get established in my new life as a single person. Have been struggling with feeling very angry and not sleeping well, but i guess that's no surprise. I've been keeping very busy with hobbies, friends and new activities though.

Haven't seen the ex for over a month now. Still having a bit of contact over legal issues and a couple of his items that are still at the house.  I am keeping it grey rock and not engaging on any emotional level.

How are you doing anyway?

[Radcliff]

Chirimoya,

Thanks for the update!  Glad to hear that the cat is safe with you.  And especially glad to hear that you are being so intentional in establishing your new single life with hobbies, friends, and activities.  Yeah, the emotions can be all over the place and sleep can be a challenge.  A friend of mine suggested spreading out in the middle of the bed, or sleeping on the opposite side, and getting new sheets of a radically different color, perhaps one you like and he didn't.

In the weeks since the breakup, has the solo time led to any insights about the relationship, yourself, or what you want in a relationship?  I found that in the weeks immediately post-separation, it was a great time to see things I hadn't been able to see when I was in the thick of it.

Things are OK with me.  You remind me I should update my thread!  We are still separated, and likely to remain so through the summer at least while we determine the fate of the marriage and my wife continues her batterer's program and DBT.  It is going to be a difficult year.  But 2019 will be great

WW

[Chirimoya]

Hey Wentworth, glad to hear that things are ok with you. I think it's really good that you are keeping your boundaries and really waiting to see how things progress with your wife before making any firm decisions. Thanks for the suggestions about the bed. Actually it's funny because we had not been sleeping in the same bed for months before he moved out, but I still sleep on "my side". I tried sleeping in the middle and on the other side this week as you suggested . I think it's important to kind of reclaim the space !

I've started to sleep a little better the last week or so. I signed up for membership of a yoga club and have been doing that every other day; seems to help. Had to deal with a bonkers email from the ex this week. He pretty much told me that he was going on holiday with his new partner this week but that he thinks about me all the time, still cares about me and would like to see me! Honestly, the nerve! So that has my emotions in a tizz again . I think I'll have to be very firm with him but there is no freaking way I will be seeing him as long as he's with this other woman!

As for reflections since the split, I've been seeing a therapist and she reckons that I'm completely disconnected from my feelings , and that I need to reconnect to avoid being abused again . she also thinks I have a lot of repressed anger! And that one of the reasons I was so attached to my ex was that he expressed a lot of anger and so in some sense that kind of allowed me to discharge my anger through him? I'm not sure what I think about this theory but it's certainly food for thought. I'm starting to realise in any case just how much the ex was stressing me out. My body feels so much more relaxed , with a lot less muscle tension , and people keep on commenting how much better I look!

Hope you continue to do well and take care x

[Speck]

Chirimoya,

It is so good to get an update from you and hear about all the positivity in your life: intentional exercise, therapy, better sleep, more relaxation, and less tension.

That's great to hear!

Step by step, we heal.


-Speck

[Radcliff]

I think it's important to kind of reclaim the space !

Had to deal with a bonkers email from the ex this week.

Yup, that happens.  You sound like you've got a solid rudder underneath you, though.

I think I'll have to be very firm with him but there is no freaking way I will be seeing him as long as he's with this other woman!

  Excellent.  You are worth more than that.  Good work on this.  It can be very difficult to set a boundary like this.  Many folks struggle to attain the clarity that you have.

As for reflections since the split, I've been seeing a therapist and she reckons that I'm completely disconnected from my feelings , and that I need to reconnect to avoid being abused again

I can relate to this.  After my wife and I separated, I had to work pretty hard to reconnect with my feelings.  I found that just to cope, I'd become accustomed to stuffing my feelings deep.

. she also thinks I have a lot of repressed anger! And that one of the reasons I was so attached to my ex was that he expressed a lot of anger and so in some sense that kind of allowed me to discharge my anger through him? I'm not sure what I think about this theory but it's certainly food for thought.

I don't know enough to comment on your T's theory, but I know that with my wife it was definitely not acceptable for me to express any anger.  She could express as much as she wanted, but if I expressed the tiniest amount, I was selfish and abusive.  So after we separated, it took a while for me to get in touch with my anger.  To not be afraid of it.  I've found my anger.  It's significant.  But it's not limitless.  It won't consume me.  I need to experience it, then let it go.

I'm starting to realise in any case just how much the ex was stressing me out. My body feels so much more relaxed , with a lot less muscle tension , and people keep on commenting how much better I look!

I found that part of getting in touch with my feelings was to get in touch with how my body was feeling.  My brain had become so accustomed to overriding my feelings.  But the physical symptoms I was feeling everytime I thought about getting back together with my wife were undeniable.  If you are physically feeling less stress, that is fantastic!

Thanks for your words of support on my situation.  The support I've gotten here has been the most important factor getting me through this.

Thanks very much for keeping us up-to-date on your progress.  Stay in touch!

WW

[Chirimoya]

Aw thanks Speck and Wentworth.  I was having a bit of a down day the other day when I read your messages but they really cheered me up x

[Radcliff]

Excellent!  We're here to support you if you need it.  If things are all roses, great, though feel free to drop by and tell us you're doing well!

WW