Tired, and looking for help

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am married to a women I have known since I was 14. We didn't get married until our late 20s, and had other partners before we married nearly 30 years ago. I have always felt we have a great story and history together. My wife's BPD has worsened over the years. She was high functioning, and while she did have many work place issues which led to her changing jobs in a field in which that is discouraged she always had a good work ethic.

When she lost her job due to her health, and autoimmune disease, she began to fall apart, and most recently she was in an out patient hospitalization program for three months.

Our latest marriage counselor has seen her at her worst. She has written down verbatim what each of us has said, and my wife will flat out deny ever saying those things to me. At the same time, she will tell the therapist that I said something mean to her, and the therapist will tell her, no he never said that, and she will argue the point raising her voice, and finally beating herself up by saying, "see I am always wrong, he always wins".


I feel terrible for what my wife has been going through. I try not to trigger her, but it's impossible not to. I am at the end of my rope, and cannot see us staying together much longer as long as she feels I am to blame for all her problems. Of course she tells me I have to leave her, she won't leave me.

And here I am... .

[rickhz]

I am married to a women I have known since I was 14. We didn't get married until our late 20s, and had other partners before we married nearly 30 years ago. I have always felt we have a great story and history together. My wife's BPD has worsened over the years. She was high functioning, and while she did have many work place issues which led to her changing jobs in a field in which that is discouraged she always had a good work ethic.

When she lost her job due to her health, and autoimmune disease, she began to fall apart, and most recently she was in an out patient hospitalization program for three months.

Our latest marriage counselor has seen her at her worst. She has written down verbatim what each of us has said, and my wife will flat out deny ever saying those things to me. At the same time, she will tell the therapist that I said something mean to her, and the therapist will tell her, no he never said that, and she will argue the point raising her voice, and finally beating herself up by saying, "see I am always wrong, he always wins".


I feel terrible for what my wife has been going through. I try not to trigger her, but it's impossible not to. I am at the end of my rope, and cannot see us staying together much longer as long as she feels I am to blame for all her problems. Of course she tells me I have to leave her, she won't leave me.

And here I am... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Speck]

Welcome, rickhz!



Let me welcome you here to bpdfamily and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

Thank you for sharing what you have thus far:

I am at the end of my rope, and cannot see us staying together much longer as long as she feels I am to blame for all her problems. Of course she tells me I have to leave her, she won't leave me.

And here I am... .

It sounds like you have really had a tough time, and I'm so sorry for that. It's extremely frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD. One thing that can really help with allaying some frustration is understanding. And, it sounds like you are willing to understand your wife better, and that is pure love, in my opinion. Luckily, you've found our website which can help you in that regard in spades. When you're ready, do you think that you can start reading the site articles and participate in the Tools and Lessons located in the right panel of this page? The other thing that you'll find here is support for yourself.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[NGU]

and cannot see us staying together much longer as long as she feels I am to blame for all her problems. Of course she tells me I have to leave her, she won't leave me.

Hi rickhz.

Hopefully you won't mind fielding a couple questions.

You're struggling and can't see a future with her. If everything remained pretty much the same, but the blaming were to stop... .would you want to stay or leave?

Also... .what is the frequency of her BPD-related comments? The ones that really frustrate you or lead you to question staying. For example, are you having to process one surreal comment a week? Multiple comments per day?

Thanks. And welcome.

-ngu

[LovingDad]

Hi Rickhz,

Welcome here. I'm also new her. Since a couple of weeks a now for sure that mij wife has BPD.

It feels like a real blow, but also as a relieve. Now I know what she have. Now I can read about it and together with my therapist find I way of dealing with it. for me that gives already some relieve. It feels like I'm starting with a new proces. Figuring out how to deal with it and start to learn it. In de last week I have done mine first step in becoming myself again. In little things I stood up to here. That gives a proud feeling.

In the other remark there was an advice te read the articels on this website about it. That would be mine advice too. The more you know, the more convidence you hopefully get. For know it works for me.

In mine situatie I already life 6 months with a friend of my. I'm out of the house. This hurts a lot, because I don't see my 4 year old son as much as I want. I miss him dearly. I'm so glad I stil see him every other day, but the hurting is hard. I still love my wife dearly, so with the new insights I'm motivated to win my way back into the house or hopefully seperate as friends.

I wish you enormous straigth and all the best. I can rely to the feelings you have. What I read here, we can all do that. Together we're strong and we will get through this.

Keep the faith.

LovingParent

[Serenitywithin]

I am new here as well. I have had similar experiences where My wife has done things and when I confronted her about them denied it like I was nuts, and then a month later when I confronted her about it again and said just like you lied to me about that last month by saying you did not do it, she said I never denied doing that? I had both conversations on camara recording. I started recording on my phone or through camaras at the house when she is in a bad mood, because I am afraid when triggered she will say I did or said something I did not.  I am doing it for protection in case police are called for false accusations.

So know you are not alone. Feeling like your the one who is crazy seems to be a common theme I have read, I keep a daily journal now and when I feel like maybe I am being too hard by trying to set limits or feeling like my reality is the one that may be off, I go read the journal, and it brings me right back around to seeing things for what they are.

Our marriage counselor can also see what is going on and has told me that hopefully we will be able to get her to see that her actions impact everyone around her.

Good luck mate and God Bless.

[Speck]

Hello again, rickhz:

Just checking in with you.

How are things going for you?

We are here for you if you need to talk.


-Speck