Healing from a relationship with a BPD romantic partner

[Onceinnocent]

Hi. I’m new to this board. I’m trying to heal from a year long relationship with a
BPD romantic partner. Until very recently, I had been on a year long emotional roller coaster with this person and have suffered reoccurring breakups and heartaches. He would repeatedly beg and romance me back into the relationship and then 2 weeks later would blowup over some trivial thing and storm off. This happened over and over again. Then I started noticing patterns. The blowups would usually occur after we had become close and everything was falling into place. But, just before the blowup he would become distant and not feel well for a day or two. I did not understand what was going on until I started to read about BPDs. It was like he repeatedly sabotaged our relationship and then would be desperate to reunite. What can I do to heal? I feel so traumatized and my friends and family don’t understand.

[Harri]

Hi Onceinnocent and welcome to the board.  You have found a place where people will listen and support you as you process your way through this difficult relationship.  So many of us can understand and have already worked our way through or are in the process of doing so.  It is hard work but the good news is that it gets better.

You asked what you can do to heal.  First, I would recommend that you check out the links on the right side of this page under the title "Getting off the roller coaster"  There are several links so don't try to read them all at once.  Then I would recommend posting with any questions you have or if there are any particular details you want to share.  Reading other peoples posts can help with not feeling alone too.

I am glad you found us.

[Mutt]

Hi Onceinnocent,



I'd like to join Harri and welcome you to the family. I'm glad that you decided to join us, you're not alone.

What can I do to heal? I feel so traumatized and my friends and family don’t understand.

I understand how hard it feels when you turn to the people that you're closest too and you try to talk to them and the advice that they give to you doesn't work because it's advice that is well suited for someone that doesn't suffer from BPD.

To answer your question, read as much as you can about the disorde, seperate yourself from the BPD behaviours, they're not peronal to you it's something that a pwBPD are going through. A pwBPD want emotional intimacy but can't sustain healthy adult intimacy, it triggers the disorder.

I agree with Harri reading and joining other discussions around the site will make you feel less alone and it will make you feel validated, friends and family mean well but it helps if they've gone through the experience a lot of the acting out is not done in public, it's all behind closed doors.

What's the meaning behind your username?

[Lucky Jim]

It was like he repeatedly sabotaged our relationship and then would be desperate to reunite.

Hey Onceinnocent, Let me join Harri and Mutt and say Welcome!  Right, that's the usual BPD pattern.    Those w/BPD bounce between fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment.  "I love you; go away" is a common way to describe it.  In terms of how to heal, the place to start, I suggest, is by returning the focus to you and your needs.  Treat yourself with care and compassion.  Now is also a good time to figure out why you got into a romantic r/s with a BPD SO in the first place.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other traumatic event from childhood.

LuckyJim

[Speck]

Hello, Onceinnocent:

How have you been doing since the last time you shared?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck