BPDbf just called me in hysterics he failed another test in 1 of his classes

[Depression = 72% of members]

I see the difference, i didn't about it like that. You are right i am basically enabling bad behavior, last night he was upset about something that happened months ago and telling me to take care of it, i told him i have nothing to do with it and he needs to get it done himself... .he wasn't mean about it and said fine... .well this morning comes and he took care of it, i told him see it is possible for you to do it. No i haven't heard that term before

I will def pick that book up.

Being responsible for being on time and just managing time better, also setting boundaries with his family and creating a healthy separation from them

[lostandconfused6]

I see the difference, i didn't about it like that. You are right i am basically enabling bad behavior, last night he was upset about something that happened months ago and telling me to take care of it, i told him i have nothing to do with it and he needs to get it done himself... .he wasn't mean about it and said fine... .well this morning comes and he took care of it, i told him see it is possible for you to do it. No i haven't heard that term before

I will def pick that book up.

Being responsible for being on time and just managing time better, also setting boundaries with his family and creating a healthy separation from them

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lostandconfused6]

isilme

i completey understand what you're saying... .through his own admission he has said multiple times everything i have done for him comes from my want for him to do better and succeed and he sees that... .he appreciates that i don't lie to him or tell him what he wants to hear and that i am willing to deal with w.e reaction he gives me when i do this... .all he can say about his mom is "her intentions are good most of the time but she wants me to succeed on her terms and time line"

I also see how it can look like 2 women trying to control him to him... .and it frustrates me so much because if his mom wasn't how she is i don't think he would question me at all or my "agenda" but because he has been shown so many times by the 1 person that is supposed to love him more than anything that she has ulterior motives or her best interest at heart i get the short end of the stick

if his mom doesn't love him how in the world could some girl that he's only known for a few years? i mentioned it before how my heart hurts for him to have family like that but my parents are living proof that when you leave the trash in the past your life will drastically improved... .they left their familes and moved 25 hours away and never looked back and they are both successful with a loving marriage and have raised a very intelligent, emotionally stable, and successful daughter (me of course )

i worry that if he doesn't break free soon that this will spill over to our future children if there are any... .as it stands now his family would not be allowed any alone time or extended time around any children that may come along... .i'm not even allowed around them why in the world would anyone else that is my blood be?

[isilme]

Our parents are our first introduction to other people.  Women often learn to expect things from men based on their dads, regardless of how active (or inactive) they were in their lives.  Men often learn similar things from their moms.

And, not to be creepy, some of his mom's more positive qualities may also be in you - just not to an extent where you are willing to harm him to save your own feelings. 

I realize at times when H is mad at me, he is really mad at his mom.  She was pretty independent, so am I.  She would bend over backward for him (and yes, enable him in the process) and so will I.  She's a bit no-nonsense about some basic things, so am I.  She loves cats, so do I.  So I get it, I share some of her qualities.  I also am very different, as I am a bit of a tidier person, and she's a hoarder.  I look a lot more at my personal issues internally, and she tends to assign responsibility for her feelings to others (she is a big factor in his BPD, and I love her, but can see it).  I see how either of us doing to much for her son actually stunted him for a while and hurt him. 

I know to look at what I am asking of him, and try to see if I will sound like his mom (which will make him balk and be stubborn).  I ask myself if I AM being too much "mom."  I grew up my own mother's caretaker.  It's a tough line to keep an eye on, but as I stopped doing too much, my H realyl started to show he could "man up" and he really has grown so much in the last decade. 

[lostandconfused6]

He actually tells me that often, that i have a lot of her good qualities and he loves us both so much that's why he takes his anger out on us the most... .my therapist actually told me today that when he calls me mom or dad he is actually speaking to them and not me... .

His mom and i are the same in the aspect of doing anything for him but our reasoning is totally opposite... .i think it's very hard and nearly impossible for him to distinguish between the different reasons i think i mentioned before that it is also hard for him to believe that someone that is basically a stranger could be willing to do more for him for unselfish reasons than someone that is supposed to be genetically programmed to love him and do anything for him... .

I am going to try doing less mom things for him and see how it goes... .in a selfish way and possibly sometimes subconsciously i think i do them in hopes that he will decide he doesn't need his mom at all

[isilme]

I am going to try doing less mom things for him and see how it goes... .in a selfish way and possibly sometimes subconsciously i think i do them in hopes that he will decide he doesn't need his mom at all

This is a very self-aware observation.  I think early on I had a hope he'd see I loved him as much as his family and would, therefore, love me as part of it, and also, I was trying hard for his mom's acceptance, too, and was trying to show her I was good girlfriend material. 

[lostandconfused6]

i have worn myself out doing that... .his parents will never accept me... .they would rather have him with that "other girl" a low life cheating lying mentally handicapped worthless disgusting trashy loser that's why his mom would always tell him to tell me i'm crazy and controlling when i would say something about her ... .because if that happens he is sure to run home at some point... .and at 1 point i wanted him to love me like he does his family but now the more i see the less i want that... .he doesn't need "love" like that because it isn't real

[Radcliff]

lostandconfused6, as you start to have success letting him own his own stuff, you will find that it frees up a ton of your mental energy.  You'll be able to spend that energy on yourself, as well as on more deeply connecting with him 

WW

[lostandconfused6]

He just comes to all these realizations so often then in a few days or weeks its right back to how it was and his family is fine it was a just a really bad time... .how many really bad times do you have to have to see that it will NEVER change, it just gets worse every time... .

[isilme]

how many really bad times do you have to have to see that it will NEVER change, it just gets worse every time... .

as many as it takes for it to be learned and for him to retain it.  And having his own emotional issues, being steadfast is going to be hard for him. 

H's parents are not this bad, but they are also not a good influence.  His mom makes bad decisions and really should not be a source of advice for his health issues (she is also diabetic).  She is partly to blame for the severity of her condition because she sat down on the loveseat in the living room years ago and has not moved since.  She's not a National Enquirer story, yet, but yes, she lives in the living room.  There are two empty bedrooms with beds, ready for her, but she likes being in the living room so she can just wake up when people come over to visit, and then go back to sleep when they leave.  She keeps all things she might need within reach to avoid getting up.  Ipad, phone, tv remotes, snack foods so she can avoid cooking, bills, her purse, etc.  She has allowed her body to atrophy where walking 15 feet to the bathroom is so tiring, she prefers adult diapers. 

He gets mad at her, and can see that she is killing herself and has also allowed herself to go down this path... .then, he feels guilty for those feelings and tries to paint her a victim.  I just validate the valid, and let him vent as much as I can manage and try to change the subject.  He knows he's like her on some respects, which I think prompts the need to defend her, even if he's the one mad at her.