Stay or go?

[aercooled]

Nearly 2 years ago I rented a room to a younger Asian woman who was married but separated from her husband, who lives several thousand miles away.  At first I suspected Aspergers, and clearly some OCD behavior.  But as the relationship evolved, I saw some NDP.   I began speaking with a counselor and he had me read "How to Stop Walking on Eggshells."  And was that eye opening!

My BPD roomie hooked up with me about 10 weeks after moving in.  We'd begun hanging out, doing things together and hanging out on the patio drinking wine.  She's smart, funny, loves good jazz and classical music, respectful and tidy.  She was the perfect roommate.  I was 61 and she was 20 years younger - but looked 30 years younger - with a slim, firm athletic body.  She looks better than girls I dated in college and the sex was awesome.  For a guy my age, you can understand why I got hooked, but I also like brainy, nerdy girls, and she fit the bill.   

It wasn't long before the weirdness began.  Silent treatments, mood swings and disappearing acts.  She's a huge animal and would take off for weeks sometimes to housesit/dog sit or cat sit, giving me almost no notice in advance.  Naturally I was suspicious, but in time she invited me over to one of the homes and everything really looked on the up on up.  She also began video chatting and I could see she seemed to be alone. 

Then the controlling behavior started.  I began to think "I can do better than this" and updated my profile on a dating site, but never actually contacted anyone.  I also moved to sell my house and suggested we each find our own places but continue to date.

Well, she found me - because she was also checking out dating sites - although it didn't seem she was serious.  She posted a picture of some trees and said she was only looking for friends.  She told me she just liked chatting with guys.  I created a fake profile and contacted her, and sure enough it was all very innocent.  Just chat, no sexy talk, nothing amiss.  She has no friends and is socially awkward so I thought maybe this is a sfae way for her to have some kind of socializing.  At the same time I suggested that this is NOT an acceptable way to make friends.  Join a Meetup and go hiking with a hiking club.  These guys on dating sites want to get into your pants, after all.

We tried couples counseling, and the counselor also said get off the dating sites.  I was never actually active, but I deleted my profile.  She couldn't get off, though she finally made the break.  Or she hid herself really well because, yeah, I looked for her.  Stuff kept happing that made me suspect her, and it began making me crazy.

In some ways we are super compatible.  We cook the same way and enjoy making meals together.  We both like to hike.  We go to concerts and took a few trips, which were all fun and no drama.  And I'd be lying if I said I didn't like having a cute, young girlfriend - I do.  On the other hand, I like to get up early and DO stuff.  She sleeps in. On a Saturday if I don't make a plan, she can sleep till 11, or 12 or even 2!   Sometimes she isn't sleeping though, she's just curled up in bed with her phone.

She has a good job in a technical role for a major, respected corporation.  She struggles with getting along with coworkers though and doesn't get the social games they play.  I have tried to coach her and be sympathetique.

I'm at a point where I'm sick of the drama, the games and the unprdecitable mood swings, and the petty fault finding.  She is never violent, never rages, she just shuts down, and that's the worst.  Even the best intimacy ever doesn't compensate for this crap.  At my age, I don't need it.   And yet, I'm a forgive and forget type.  After a short while I can't even remember what crazy crap she pulled two weeks ago.  I know if I break it off, I will miss her and miss the good things we had and forget the bad.  I'll kick myself for dumping a super cute woman who was exactly my type, knowing that I'll probably never find that again.  I don't need viagra, but having a partner who turns me on doesn't hurt!  Sex isn't the most important thing in my life, but I will miss it, and having somebodt who likes to spoon and cuddle.

I'm wondering if there's a way to make it work.  I tried being patient and nice, now I am setting limitds and letting her know when she's out of line.  We'll see what happens.

[Mutt]

Hi aercooled,

You’re right you don’t have to worry about someone else’s feelings because of their undesirable traits. I’m not in my 60’s but at mid 40 it’s the same thing, I’m too old to settle for less. You like her companionship you could read about the disorder and to depersonalize the behaviours.

For example a pwBPD fear engulfement they’ll push their partner away because they feel that they’re losing their sense of self because of the closeness of the r/s. It’s not personal to you it’s something that she’s going through.

On the other hand you have a lot of similarities and some differences that’s not necessarily because  she has a PD I think it’s because of the age gap you might have to look beyond that?

[aercooled]

For example a pwBPD fear engulfement they’ll push their partner away because they feel that they’re losing their sense of self because of the closeness of the r/s. It’s not personal to you it’s something that she’s going through.

I think there is something to this "sense of self."  We were buying groceries together for a while and had a joint account.  She stopped the joint account and no longer wants to shop for groceries together.  In her last marriage she described herself as "being single in my marriage."  I think it's important to her to maintain a lot of independence.