Can Someone Try and Help Me Understand this behavior

[Fingerlakes]

Since I've met my SO with BPD traits she's always been "private" in many ways... .although she's highly functioning. There is one individual that she always says is a friend, yet over the three years we've been together I have found her being deceptive in ways regarding her communication with this male friend.

Here is my dilemma. I honestly don't have a problem with her having a male friend. So long as there are boundaries that we can agree on. Because of her unpredictable and "deceptive" behavior over the 3 years, I've found it hard to build trust. I get red flags from this relationship with this guy, but she has reassured me numerous times that he's just a friend. And says that she's never been unfaithful in a relationship, including us.

Her words say one thing, yet her actions in my view say deception. I'm having a hard time with this since I really want to trust her and obviously don't want to accuse her if i'm wrong.

We had a "fight" yesterday and of course she bring up that we shouldn't be together and mentions how she's said this numerous times. Of course she never officially ends it because I say we shouldn't... I've found a pattern that when we get into these situations she seems to always bring up this guy. In one form of another. On her birthday it was that he asked her to drive with him to a rehab center because he's an addict. This time it was her "I'm going bowling... I got a call from ******'s family to celebrate his rehab and him getting into grad school".

This is a Thursday night at 10pm and she all of a sudden gets a call from his family about this? Then ghosts until 2am.

This sort of behavior has been a pattern. And to me I find this suspicious. And I've accused her of having an affair with this guy. I've also caught her hiding her phone in the bathroom to on occasion... "I have to go to the bathroom" - this is the result of me having a issue of her constantly being on her phone when we are together. So we set boundaries.

What's happening here? Am I being too suspicious to assume that's there is more than she says?

I've even told her that if she's in love with someone else then go to him. Never happens.

I'm confused and very sad about this whole thing.   

Keep in mind that she's not diagnosed, but show mild to medium sign of BPD/Narcissism.

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[isilme]

Sadly, the impulse control and rule by emotions that can come with BPD CAN lead to cheating.  It can lead to a lot of things that are NOT cheating, but if that is your gut instinct, you can't ignore it.

She will not be the one to make a choice to leave or sty.  She is getting what she wants from you.  If she IS being unfaithful, it's not a rejection of you, it's just her feelings=her facts, and at that moment, she feels she wants something from another person.  Sometimes, it's just the fact it's illicit that makes it appealing.

I think at some point you need to do a serious talk with her and set the very serious boundary of an exclusive relationship.  If her words are not enough to outweigh her actions, then you will need to find other ways for her to show she is not dating someone else - how, I can't say since I'm not there, but how much time you are together, if you can talk privately with her friends, whatever. 

And then, if you are not satisfied your boundary is being resected, you need to determine what you plan to do... .and be consistent and do it. 

H was always a flirt, and yes, he emotionally cheated many times, and possibly went farther a few.  This was in his 20s.  He was all over the place, and wanted gratification and validation from as many sources as possible.  I knew his secret, his insecurities, and so he needed new people, usually women, to fawn over him.  I finally hit a bad point, found this site, and made it clear I was not giving an ultimatum, I was being dead serious and that if it was not me and only me, I'd go live alone rather than stay with that. 

Then, I took steps to be able to do just that, and he started to work on changing.  I was not trying to manipulate him through a threat.  I was serious, I was going to leave.  There is a difference between an ultimatum intending to shake someone and scare them into behavior you want, and really just hitting that "I'd rather be alone than hurt anymore by you," point.