6 months independent living son27

[Lollypop]

 

It’s been 6 months since son27 moved out. He chose to move into a neighbour’s home, renting out a garage space with a cooked meal and food included.

The “old” me would have felt mortified and embarrassed by this situation. I was not that surprised after I reflected on it, he needed somewhere to live and preferred a casual arrangement in a family home but that gave him more private space (in a converted garage). We were relieved that son27 resolved his problem on his own and he left on good terms.

Everything that could have been predicted has happened.

First few months enjoying his independence, wobbles with health issues, periods of socialising, periods of loneliness, relationship problems with now ex-gf, landlady and his two bosses.

Son27 panicked with his bad back and no work for 2 weeks. He’d hobble home for a meal and an emotional pickup. He dealt with an STD and told me afterwards, a sign of a growing emotional maturity and taking better care of himself. Deciding he couldn’t live a life with a partner who now has a lifelong condition and he has now cut her out - he is currently struggling with her emotional reaction.

I believe The main issue currently is eating. He’s not gaunt but he’s very very lean, he just doesn’t look well. He has impetigo. He knows his immunity level is low and says it’s because of stress, that he eats really well “I eat half of what xx landlady eats”. He’s a very physical job and needs 3k calories a day.

He talked and said how he was feeling, emotionally drained as he knows he’s had a lot to cope with. I really feel for the ex-gf, believe he’s made the right decision but he’s lost a friend - actually she’s lost him as a friend. Relationships, I can see are most likely going to be a lifelong problem for him.

It’s a sad situation for all of us here isn’t it. Facing up to their lives being so very challenging and trying to live our own as happy as we can.

So overall, not taking basic care of himself. The funny thing is financially he manages.

I’m watchful.

LP
  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Lollypop

I've always appreciated your experience and sound advice when it comes to BPD, and today is no different.  It's great that you can recognise how the "new" you reacts and the level of acceptance and gratefulness is really reflected in your post.  You seem very comfortable and that must be such a relief to get there, and gives lots of encouragement for all of us.

Despite some of his setbacks, he's made huge inroads, especially as he comes to you for a talk and emotional support as opposed to packing everything in and moving back home. 

My daughter is also very underweight and not looking after herself (last time I saw her anyway) and relationships will always be a challenge for her too.  It's seems almost text book for BPD. 

Thank you for sharing.  Warm thoughts to you and your family. 

Merlot

[MomMae]

Hi Lollypop,

Good to read your update on your son.  You've done well!  All you can, really... .

Reading your post reminds me so much of my daughter.  She, too, is very, very, thin.  Underweight.  She, too, claims she eats well, just can't gain weight.  I have to tread ever so lightly with this issue (really with every issue!) or she reacts poorly.  And, she too, had a very bad bout of impetigo... .I believe it is finally under control, thank goodness.  She let it go a long time (thought it was acne, despite me telling her it may be impetigo and to have it checked out).  It can lead to kidney problems if left untreated for too long... the doctor said hers was very bad by the time she finally went in.

You have done well for your son, Lollypop.  He is succeeding in his own way due to all of your learning, patience and love.  You are the mum he needed and needs.   

  MM

[Huat]

Always nice to see that "Lollypop" moniker show up!

Yep, you have been on quite a journey with Son #1.  I think the main lesson you are teaching the rest of us is "acceptance" and then getting on with life.  So much energy goes into trying to change someone else... .so fruitless because it just can't be done.  That saying about "leading a horse to water but not being able to make them drink"... .makes more and more sense. 

For me, "acceptance" of my situation with my daughter is a journey... .strong one minute but then sometimes not so strong the next.  With that said, I really have accepted the fact that my acceptance will be a journey.  I am a Mom!  Thankfully I have come to the point that when I feel myself heading for that old pit-of-despair, I start grasping for the things I can do to stop the descent.   I shudder when I think back to the "black" periods in my life... .the button to my happiness I had given to someone else... .my daughter.  Now I have reclaimed that button!

So... .onward and upward, Lollypop!   You are an inspiration.    ; )

Huat

[Lollypop]

Hi everybody

 

I’d forgotten that nice warm feeling we get when we receive such open hearted friendship. Life gets so busy and it seems I lose something when I’m away from the forum for a time. It’s a part of my life still and I thank you all for taking the time to reply.  

I’m struggling with a leap in my artwork (end of year show looming) and I’m thinking about what we pass on from generation to generation. Huat you’ve reminded me of the giving and then we can take back with the happiness button. It made me smile! Perfectly put.

The impetigo is clearing up thankfully. I tried to have a conversation about eating, more of an interchange of opinions. I managed to get him on my side for a brief moment with “every day  you’re like an athlete and they pay attention so they get the nutrition they need to perform. You don’t have me looking out for you since you moved out, it’s up to you to get the right amount of nutrition to do your job and it’s incredibly physical.”  He liked the physical athlete bit. Babes in arms comes to mind.

There’s comfortableness in my acceptance. I’m grateful for it because I know that life will move on, something will change and we may get knocked off balance again. I try not to worry.

Let’s try and do something nice today!

Hugs

LP