My BPD(?) wife has abandoned the kids and I for another man (yet another affair)

[Duckie Z]

I think this is going to be a lengthy post.  I feel so much bottled up that needs to come out.

I suspected my wife of an affair 2 years ago.  Well, I knew she had an affair and didn't want to admit it. For 2 years after it ended she told me daily I had a personality disorder because of my upbringing and that I was crazy.  She said I was paranoid because I wouldn't trust her.  For 2 years I bit by bit broke down until I questioned my own mental state. 

The first therapist suggested my wife seek a psychologists help and medication.  She stopped going after the first visit (she went by herself) . 

The next counselor we went to together for months.  Nothing seemed to get better, My wife claimed she wasn't being "validated" and when this counselor suggest psychiatric help we stopped going because "she is a horrible counselor". 

I struggled.  I lost myself somewhere in there.  The house had started to become a hoarders nest.  My wife put me down to our friends routinely.  She began bragging about how great of a nurse she was.  She never bragged before, she was just quietly confident.

We didn't have sex but 3 times in the 2 years since the affair (that she said never happened).  She began to mix alcohol and ambien, xanzax and Zoloft.  She started having blackouts.  She would do odd things at times and not remember them.  One of those was one of the times we had sex.  She later claimed because she couldn't remember it, I had raped her.  But I was so confused as we carried on a conversation afterwards like normal people, it wasnt until the next day she admitted taking alcohol and ambien.  It wasnt until that night and some internet searching that I found out how bad the mixing of alcohol and ambien was.  She is a nurse, she knew she shouldn't. She still claims it was rape. 

I came home one day and found a lease application on the bed.  It was for my wife to move out and listed "separation" as the reason for moving.  I was stunned. I asked her about it and she screamed about me spying on her.  She claimed she was moving out "to have space to fix the marriage" of 17 years.  I spent the next few days trying to convince her to not leave.  She would say odd things like "my greatest fear was that you wouldn't care" and "I'm a very sexual creature and I cant wait to be that person again" and "I was terrified you didn't want me".

We started a new therapist.  My wife boasted about her affair 2 years ago finally admitting I had been right all along, That she didn't do it for love but for the money because he was wealthy.

She claimed I had been abusing her.  When the therapist asked how she made many claims that the therapist finally said were not abuse but things in a normal relationship. 

I had to travel for business and returned to an empty house.

This was on Feb 5th.  By Feb 11 she had secretly made plans to take my son to meet her boyfriend.  My son spent 8 hours with this guy and my wife, while she talked about how I would be dating another woman soon!  He is 67 years old, and married to his second wife (who he cheated with on his first wife with).  He is 28 years older than my wife! 

On Feb 15 th she claims she first talked to the boyfriend (yeah she is a little confused on her lies).  By Feb 21 she was trying to get me to change my work schedule to keep the kids so she could visit her friend who was having toruble with her husband... .by now my wife was wearing a wedding band that wasn't mine. She dumped the kids and disappeared.  The phone records showed where she was the next two days.  (not where she said she was). 

By Feb 25th she was basically living with her married boyfriend (who swas now seperated from his wife).  She keeps dumping the kids to be with him.  Her parents dont understand what is happening and wouldn't believe me if I told them. She has started a campaign (actually 2 weeks before she left) telling friends and neighbors I abuse her (Absolutlely not). 

Now my 14 year old has figured out the lies and has asked a theriapist I am taking him to help him get a court order to not return to his mother.  Even the 8 year old is starting to be clingy and irritable.

Her boyfriend is in financial trouble and my wife is pushing to cash out the equity in the house immediately, I guess to help him.


And heres the best part.   She says God has put her with this man... .   I figure if God put them together than no one can question her choices.  She send religious texts to my son now who thinks she is a hypocrite.

I am in therapy, the kids are in therapy and she is harassing the hell out of us through an attorney.

Our world is upside down, she is accusing me of every thing she is doing.  I have the kids 75% of the time and she claims I neglect them.  She claims I am spying on her while in reality my phone was cloned and she was reading my text messages in real time on hers.  Our sons phone has a tracking app on it that starts at 1 am on a night she was keeping him and the first tracking location is her apartment.

The scary thing is she believes what she is saying! 

I have been reading on BPD and many of the stories I read are so similar to what I have lived through it is frightening.

Its a lot to dump on my first post but years of frustration and unexplained things are now so much clearer.

And there is so much more!  But I think people here have gone through this before and will understand.

Thanks for reading.  Just typing some of this makes it a little easier to bear.

[Wicker Man]

I am so sorry for your pain.  You have come to a wonderful community, I am new here, but have found a lot of compassion and catharsis. 

Personally, my relationship with an undiagnosed Borderline woman was only a year --but within that year I saw a glimmer of what you have experienced.


I just wanted to say I hear you and you are not alone.


Wicker Man

[Duckie Z]

Thank you.  I am sorry you had to deal with some of the same issues.  Be thankful it was just a year (little consolation I know).  I have been reading some of the struggles others have endured on here.  I never heard of BPD until now.  Its shocking.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Duckie Z and

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through but glad that you found us.  As Wicker Man says, you're not alone.  Feel free to vent as much as you need - we're listening.  I'm so glad that you have support in place for yourself and the kids with therapy.  How do you feel about things as they stand?  Would you want to try to repair the marriage if the opportunity presented itself, or do you wish to progress the separation?

There is much to be learned here.  I can recommend the Articles to the right side of the page to help with your understanding, and I'd encourage you to involve yourself in other discussions.  We are all at different stages of healing here, and support and learn from one another.

I'll look forward to hearing more from you.

Love and light x

   

[Duckie Z]

Harley, I have no wish to be with her.  Two years of lies and deception are too much.  She has flipped a switch somehow and all I am and have been is evil and her married boyfriend (2nd marriage, cheated on his first wife with his second, cheated on his second wife with my wife and others) is a "good and Godly man."  Everything for her is upside down. And I can tell she believes all of it.  She knows what she is doing wouldn't be acceptable to people so she hides and lies about it.  I could never have a functioning relationship with her.  I saw hints of it in the past, how we started dating, she was convinced I was "the one", the intense attachment, then later the little narcissistic things she did.  Later it became worse and worse.  A roller coaster of ups and downs. Then I started to suspect affairs but she gaslighted me (just learned the term.  It is exactly how she manipulated me.  Small doses over years growing larger)  Now looking back I see the patterns.  My willfull denials of reality.

Now she has an attorney making wild accusations just bizarre things, like I am taking money from my young child for  food(I am not)... .how does a small child have money?  And if he had a couple of dollars why wouldn't we use it if we needed food after she abandoned the house and bills and basically the kids?
And claiming I am "interogating her friends", The guys are my friends and were before I met my wife.  She befriended thier wives over the years.  If I just call a friend and talk about unrelated things she apparently feels threatend by this.  She has a level of paranoia that is strange.

I dont think anyone who is sane or rational could have a relationship with her right now.

As for me, I need to continue to work on being who I was before all of this mess.  One of us has to be a stable, functioning parent for the kids.

She texts me she cant keep the kids.  Then she calls demanding to know where they are and denies the texts exist that are right there for her to see.  And so much more like many people I see here, if you havent been through it you wouldnt understand. And she is so charming and sweet when she is talking to people, it comes naturally to her.  I think some are starting to see through it but not many.

[AnuDay]

I have been through the exact same thing.  You can use my stories as a guide. It really is a horrible experience and a nightmare for those of us who are going through it.  It does get better the more that you can learn to detach and become a stable person yourself.  Become stable in your morals, values, things that you will and will not do, and become more unwavering despite the BPD's instability.
 The totally wild antics are things that are hard to cope with but they are a part of life and these are the things that I do struggle.  I try not to become entangled and enmeshed in the BPD's problems, thoughts, schemes, and dilemmas despite the fact that they affect me and the children.  It will truly drive you crazy.
 I am new on this journey I am only a few years into it and one year into seeing things clearly so I am not an expert on this but there are people here who are pretty close to experts, such as Skip. These are excellent resources to talk to in those dark times. 
Take care of your children, keep them first and foremost in your thoughts, plans, and your wishes and try not to control or worry too much about what the BPD does.  That is all that I can suggest.  Keep your intentions pure. 

[Harley Quinn]

It's got to be really hard for you considering what to do for the sake of the children.  :)o you have or plan to have something formal in place for childcare between the two of you?  I have a court ordered arrangement with my son's father (NPD traits) which gives me a lot of peace of mind.  It also put a stop to the parental alienation and unacceptable behaviour towards me around my son that was happening.  Now the only face to face contact we have is at drop off - a matter of a minute or two once a week.    

She texts me she cant keep the kids.  Then she calls demanding to know where they are and denies the texts exist that are right there for her to see.

How often are you receiving contact from her and how do you feel when you get these messages?  As you said, it's important that you're the stable parent for the kids and one piece of advice I will offer is to take good care of yourself first and foremost.  That includes reducing any triggers as much as possible.  Although you will need to communicate to some degree, if you are able to keep it to a minimum and only discuss essential information it will help.  

You may want to ask her to email and then you can choose a day that you read.  Even have someone pre screen the messages so you know whether it's necessary to read them or not.  There's a technique I adopted for speaking to my son's father (we only text - face to face conversations do not go well for me so I protect myself in this way now) known as BIFF.  Brief, informative, friendly, and firm.  I will ONLY talk to him about my son and only what is essential for us to discuss/share.  We parallel parent since last year and I'm much calmer as a result of no longer attempting to co parent with this man.  If you're interested in BIFF, we have a workshop on the technique HERE.  Anything you can do to reduce the stress and upset in your life right now will help you and your children.  

Let us know how you're doing.  We're here for you.

Love and light x      

[Duckie Z]

There is a lot of conflict and drama.  Her attorney sent a ridiculous schedule for us to follow with the kids.  The kids therapist said it was crap, my therapist said it was crap, my son said it was crap.  My attorney said to agree to it until our mediation hearing in mid May.  After giving him my feelings on it I agreed to try to keep the peace for a couple of weeks.

 Then the second day into it she set up a scene with her  family.  Some of the conflict was staged but there was real rage in her eyes and the fact that she was holding a kitchen knife (sunday lunch)made it all the more repulsive.  She had printed a schedule that was different than the one I had from the attorney.  She claimed I was violating her rights to the kids and was in violation of the agreement.  I tried to show the schedule to her but she wasn't interested.  I grabbed the kids and left.  I am just hoping to get through the separation agreement and get the temporary custody and financial aspects settled.  

I think her mom is seeing that something is off. (gee maybe the knife was the first clue?)

She texts between zero and 6-7 a day.  Usually demands or accusations.  I can track how my day is going by how many texts she sends.  No texts-its a great day.  2 texts I'm getting down a bit.  6-7 texts I can hang up anything positive happening that day... .

I prefer her to be with the boyfriend so she leaves me alone... .

Thanks for the link on the parenting.

[strong9]

Duckie Z... .hang in there. I'm sorry you are going through this.  I've been through a lot of what you've been through. I am now years removed from it and can tell you it will get better with time. Until then, everyone here is on your side. It was a Godsend for me during my difficult times. It will be for you as well.

[Turkish]

Has the schedule between you,  wife and the lawyers been signed off by a judge? If not, it means nothing legally. You both currently have equal parental rights. Document everything in the meantime. Your primary custody, even unofficially, is key, as are her statements and behaviors about you keeping the kids more. 

[Duckie Z]

Has the schedule between you,  wife and the lawyers been signed off by a judge? If not, it means nothing legally. You both currently have equal parental rights. Document everything in the meantime. Your primary custody, even unofficially, is key, as are her statements and behaviors about you keeping the kids more. 

Her attorney and her have this BS schedule they set up until May 14th.  My attorney said to go with it until then to "show good fate".  She or her mom has them 2 nights a week and every other weekend. I have them the rest of the time.  My attorney said the schedule is just enough to keep her from having to pay child support. 

I will know may 14 if I can afford to buy her equity out of the house and keep it.

Things are better right now as she is living with the love of her life that "God put her with" (as if God puts married women and married men together in affairs) when she doesnt have the kids.  At least it means she is leaving me alone. 

It is hard on my son who knows what she is doing and lying to his face.  Sadly, he just kind of shrugs and say "it's mom".  He tears up over it less and less now.  He is becoming used to it. 

They finally had a joint therapy session with the therapist she admitted to lying about affairs to.  She has seen the 2 faces of my wife.  To my son she blamed me for falsely accusing her and blaming her for affairs and thats why we broke up.  She is so delusional she has forgotten taking him to spend the day with the boyfriend right after moving out of the house... .my son said he just looked at her like she was an alien.


I keep a log of everything.  Calls, texts, threats, what people tell me, when they tell me etc. 

It amazes me that she accuses me of exactly what she is doing.

She cloned my phone and her boyfriend was reading my incoming texts in real time!  (kids told me about it, I had no idea) But she claims she had to get a new phone because I was spying on her!  She turned on my sons phone gps tracking.  The first ping is at 1am at her house. Its obvious who turned it on.  But she claims I am somehow tracking her phone.

She says I cant talk to her reasonably but she was so angry the last 2 times we traded kids she was clinched jaw and fists mad because I asked her to get me some of the plastic totes back so I could keep moving her stuff out.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi DuckieZ,

I'm sorry to hear that the drama continues.  I was wondering if you managed to read the information on the BIFF communication technique and have you tried implementing it with her?  I found it really helpful when having to have contact with my son's father.  I no longer get drawn in emotionally.  Hoping you're finding ways to relax?  I know that probably sounds pretty impossible, but what do you/can you do that you enjoy and can lose yourself in?

Love and light x

[Jeffree]

DuckieZ,

It's uncanny the similarities amongst pwBPDs and how they act once they have "flipped that switch" on us and the kids. I wonder if it's their last resort to justify their unsavory behaviors, which almost always center around extramarital shenanigans. At first, they might just slip, then justify it to themselves with a simple turn of phrase such as: "Eh, he/she makes me feel sexy (as opposed to how they claim we don't make them feel sexy), or he/she doesn't care about me anymore." Whatever. But their subconscious seems to know better, so they have to turn up the rhetoric to see what it is they need to see to feel just in their affair.

Two weeks before my STBx moved out I had caught her chatting up some guy in the middle of the night. The marriage was already over for all practical purposes. We were in separate bedrooms, weren't engaging s3xually, weren't having any constructive conversations, so on and so forth. That I caught her wasn't really that big a deal as regards the sanctity of our marriage. She did feel compelled to accuse me of spying on her and claim she now felt unsafe in the house. Two weeks later she was gone.

It seemed like a pretty drastic turn for her to make over someone she said was just someone she liked speaking to (as opposed to me, of course). But, hey, what do I know?

However, your trials and tribulations over the past two years makes me question what or who could be the real motivation behind my STBx flipping the switch on me.

Regardless, keep your wits about you. Document everything. Keep your interactions with her short and simple. Take care of yourself and your kids to the best of your abilities.

We're here for you.

J