Extinction, preparing for the burst

[loyalwife]

I learned something new tonight. It's suggested by BPD Family during times of dysregulation to disconnect and to let the BPD self soothe. My uBPDh just returned from a day trip, in which prior to was thrown into a major episode because my dog needs to be put down. That may seem odd, but any reason for having a meltdown is odd. He messaged me prior to coming home saying that he was not interested in me (same old jargon) and that I was free to do whatever I wanted to do. When he got home, I tried to have a decent conversation with him (wrong) and it turned back into the same old same old crap. When he told me that he was no longer interested in me, and that I could do whatever as long as it wasn't in our bed, I saw black. I looked him in the eye and said "don't ever make me into something I am not. I have been faithful from the first day we made a commitment and will uphold it." He went out into the studio to sleep (again), and rather than going out and making it more dramatic, I practiced extinction. I stayed put.

Just a few minutes ago he came inside to take a bath. I'm staying away and centered. I don't need to engage with him tonight or tomorrow. As long as he is disengaged, I will be disengaged. If what I have read is correct, then the next point will be extinction burst. That is why I am writing now. I am scared spitless although I know that bathing is a way that he self soothes.

This is all new for me.

Please help.

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[Tattered Heart]

What part is scary for you?

How is he doing today? How are you doing?

Great job not chasing after him when he went out into the studio. I know the need to let a conversation go can be really hard.

The extinction burst doesn't necessarily happen in the same order everytime. It often takes several times of someone attempting to get old behavior to work. You may even see him change to a new type of behavior to get a reaction out of you so be prepared for that. Remaining cool and detached will help you maneuver through this. The extinction burst could be big, it could be small.

What is the value that you are trying to express to him in your boundary? What is the boundary? Being clear on those things will help you determine how to respond when he tries to violate the boundary. Staying out of your own emotions is important.

[loyalwife]

     He came into the house, went to get in his car, and then came into the bedroom, saying that it was 'over'. I asked him if he were going to the event that he wanted so badly to go to (I was supposed to be going to, but) and he said "No, you've ruined it for me".  He went back out to the studio, I made some coffee and checked on my dogs. He came back out of the studio and went outside to wash his car. Usually this is a way that he self soothes. I ignored him as I took out the garbage, and he said "This is the point that we kiss and make up, and we go for coffee and waffles". I perked up and said "Let's go!". I grabbed my purse and headed to the car but then got this eery feeling that he was still mad and that he had just lied to me as a way to get me back into the dialog. At the restaurant, I see people staring at him as when he is in an episode his eyes are big, and he stares. His hair is never combed or neat (he has long, curly white 'crazy' hair). I think they could feel that he was off balance and I did my calm, smiling routine that I learned as a flight attendant long ago.  We went outside to eat (beautiful day) and he said "this was a mistake, do you have your keys?". I told him I did and he said he wanted to walk home. I asked him what this was about, as I thought he wanted to let this go. He said he was too broken and that he couldn't . When we finished, I just started walking to the car and didn't look at him, he followed. I realize that I have to be the adult when he is like this.

     Once we parked the car, he went into the "go find someone else", "you can live here but it's over for us" "how long do you expect me to pay for you?" I was flabbergasted. Once again, he is back into throwing me away. I held my own emotions back and told him that it was okay if he didn't want to be with me anymore, ever. Then he said that I would want sex with someone and that would be soon. It's the same words, the same response that he had a year ago when things were really bad. I lost it a bit and said I didn't want a divorce and he said he wasn't rushing out to do anything like that. This is much different a response than usual, as he is once again running away. So the anti went up. But I haven't gone out to the studio since we have been back which is usually what I do. I just don't feel like begging anymore.
    
    

What part is scary for you?

How is he doing today? How are you doing?

Great job not chasing after him when he went out into the studio. I know the need to let a conversation go can be really hard.

The extinction burst doesn't necessarily happen in the same order everytime. It often takes several times of someone attempting to get old behavior to work. You may even see him change to a new type of behavior to get a reaction out of you so be prepared for that. Remaining cool and detached will help you maneuver through this. The extinction burst could be big, it could be small.

What is the value that you are trying to express to him in your boundary? What is the boundary? Being clear on those things will help you determine how to respond when he tries to violate the boundary. Staying out of your own emotions is important.

   The scary part is that I'm afraid of a repeat of last year. I'm afraid he will really leave me this time and that he will never come back again. He said that he was near a break down and that he is close to snapping. He said when he snapped he would never be the same again. This frightens me as I think he could be a madman. He isn't threatening me, or the dogs or my son, so I'm not afraid. I just feel guarded.  I let him know that saying things to me about seeing other men was not okay with me. That made me feel like a 'slut' and it wasn't who I was. I also told him that last year almost ruined us financially and emotionally. He told me to start building a new life for myself (again this is what he always says) and not to count him in my life anymore. All of these things that he says are meant to hurt me. I asked him if he could talk to the little J--- inside, as I do the same to myself when I'm stressed or overwhelmed. I told him that the stresses in his life, not just me were all contributing to his current mood. He said that for the last 4 plus years that we have been together he has been unhappy. This is exactly what he has said about his last marriage. So, I'm not that different although I thought I was. One minute he's saying that it is over and the next minute he says "If I get an inheritance in the next few years, we can consider getting a new house". This is not sane talk.

      As I pull away from him by not engaging, I sense that he is festering and getting madder, not calmer. He wants my dog put down. He gave me the ability to make this decision on my own and I am also at the same time helping my son accept his dogs fate slowly. (Asperger) Otherwise I will have two people raging about the dog. This is my value boundary, that he cannot cross over.

      So take away the dog, my son and all the things that drive my uBPDh crazy, correction; crazier and you still have the same problem. Although I feel like a complete toss away right now, I am the adult, not him. His ex wife knew that this was a problem, and that is why she left him. Her advice to me was to leave because she thought he could kill me. I don't feel unsafe, but perhaps she didn't mean literally. There is more than one way to kill someone, emotionally is one way.

      Why do I stay? Besides the obvious, out of love, I also know that he is sick and that these outbursts are no different than what happens when an electrical appliance overloads. I've read enough on this site to also know that BPD are known for pulling away and coming close again. I just don't know what to believe anymore when he says 'we are done'.

       It is so hard not to run out into the studio, tell him how much I love him and let's get back to loving one another. It would make things much worse, radical acceptance. At this moment in time, he does not want me near him and wants space. I accept that.



      
      

[loyalwife]

This was different than before in that I detached from him by giving him space and spending time away from home. His remark, as it sometimes is as he comes out of the rage is "If I let you back in, you're going to hurt me again", and he had tears. He was the one that pushed me away, and yet he has always said this to me. "You'll get your hooks into me", "You wanted to get married because he would be harder for me to leave".

Last night his sister called and his mom died, unexpectedly. He's onboard a flight right now to go home and help with arrangements. When he got the phone call last night, he didn't cry, nor did he seem upset.Evidently there may be some money that his parents have saved up, and he is bent on making sure that he gets his fair share. He has gotten advice from friends, that he should go back, hire an attorney and fight for what is his. My mother-in-law has not be gone for more than 24 hours, and this is all that seems important. His childhood was full of trauma and abuse, and I believe he feels that he deserves to be compensated. This reaction is so bizarre to me, and must be part of the BPD. I also learned that he said in the beginning of our relationship he thought I'd told him that I was BPD. A few years ago, I took a course in DBT suggested by my therapist, although she didn't diagnose me as BPD. He ran ahead with it and said it scared him. I just sat there listening today thinking, "yes, it's scary as hell and you are".
   Remaining detached is helping this situation. Him being thousands of miles away is helping also. I fully expect him to short out while there, and the drama will begin. This time, without me.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry to hear about his loss. Losing a parent is a pretty big deal even if they were not close. In my experience death is a difficult situation for a pwBPD. If there was a lot that wasn't said before she died, it may be hard for him to resolve his feelings. Was her death sudden or expected?

Have you talked to him since he left? How is he handling things? Doe he have a lot of siblings?

[loyalwife]

Hi Tattered Heart,
    He seemed to be doing well, for awhile. He met with his sister last night to discuss the financial aspect, and to try to put a plan into affect and things were on the right track. Then everything exploded. He was talking to me on the phone and his father came outside and yelled at him for being on the phone and not paying attention to him (basically). I could hear the voices as he hung up. I got a phone call after that and everything crumbled and he left abruptly, leaving his father and sister. He was abused emotionally and physically his whole life, so any time he goes home he opens the door to mistreatment. Without his mom there to defend or protect him, he left wounded. He's on the way home tonight, saying that he doesn't want to be like his dad to me and is changing himself. I would love to believe that this was as simple as it sounds. His dad was also abused as a child, so the cycle goes on. Right now, I think he feels safer away from him. His mom was his rock, now he's left with this marshmallow of a dad.
    His sister defends her dad and thinks that this is something that should be overlooked. I agree that people do and say things when they are under stress or emotional duress. It looks as though my pwBPDh is painting him black. He did this years ago and didn't talk to him for 10 years. His dad is in poor health, so this may be the last time he sees him. I'm close to his sister, but have decided not to get in the middle of the family crisis, and will let her approach me if she wants to.
     As crazy as this sounds, I almost think my husband is relieved. His mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 15 years ago, and has outlived any prognosis she was given. Recently the cancer spread to her stomach. I think now that his mom is in a better place, he feels better that she isn't being abused by his dad. His dad never bought her a present, took her on a trip or was kind or gentle to her. He tried to kill her with a 357 when my husband was 12 and I believe this is a part of his aversion to noise.
     I'm meeting him at the airport with open arms, but also with the realization that too much may send him running away. I want to give him lots of space to be alone, yet not totally alone. I know that his emotions are high, and easily triggered right now. Going back home has always been like taking poison, and it takes days for him to self regulate.
    I'm reading a lot about detachment and how important it is for the BPD person. Knowing how much to do without seemingly deserting is crucial. So glad that I  finally found a place to bring these thoughts.

     

[Tattered Heart]

I feel so sad for your H and what he went through on his trip. It will be crucial for you to be able to support and comfort him in his grief. He may have pretty strong emotions so begin preparing yourself to do lots of validation, dont' JADE, and being empathetic. Anger is often really sadness and when he expresses anger, he is trying to show you his hurt.

One thing that I've found when my H is in an extreme emotional place due to the actions of others (and not because of me) when he starts to get too worked up, I will say something like:

"I can tell that you are feeling really intense (emotion) right now. I want to listen and understand where you're coming from. I know that you are not directing your emotions at me, but I get nervous when voices are loud. Can you bring the volume down just a little so I can focus on what you are sharing?

[loyalwife]

Tattered Heart,
     
     I feel as though I need a hard hat on today. His rages have increased and he is mad at everything. When I picked him up at the airport he seemed fine and we had a nice dinner and intimacy. This morning it is a different story and quite possibly the worst I've seen him. I made a huge mistake and forgot to pick up some meds for him (when I realized this I went to the pharmacy to pick them up). He said that he can't count on anyone and that his whole life he's been on his own. Nobody puts him on the top of the list.   As you stated, his anger is his way of showing grief. I get it. He did say last night that he was going to work hard at not being angry all the time. As he was raging a few minutes ago, I calmly said "I thought that we were going to work on having a peaceful home". He quickly left saying "It always has to be your way". Confusing because it was his idea in the first place, although I want it too. I'm just always blamed for arguing and I am not starting it, nor do I want to partake in it.
      I'm his target. I'm a sitting duck right now to his anger at his dad, his sister, his clients, his daughter and everyone else in the world. He just came in yelling at me about money etc.  I remained calm and said "I know you are hurting, you've been through a lot. Can you please lower your voice so we can talk?"  The words were meant to hurt me. I'd be lying if I said they didn't but I refuse to give them the power that I used to.
      I know this dance far too well. His next step will be to push me away, again.
     

[loyalwife]

Something just occurred to me, that my therapist said a year ago. "He needs you". It isn't in the context of needing someone to love, it's the need to have someone available to rage at. As I sat in my office, trying to work he came in raging, blaming me for our financial situation and not caring for him. This is my purpose with my pwrBPDh. He must be feeling so worthless and unwanted inside, that in order to feel anything at all he has to take everything out on me. If he can belittle me, and treat me poorly than he must be the better person. At least in his mind. Meanwhile, I have to just listen.

[loyalwife]

    The rage happened, but not at me. This time it was aimed at his family after his mother recently died:  dad, sister and brother in law. He spent an entire day investigating ways to get back, hiring lawyers and basically telling anyone that could or would what had happened.  It's a mess ending with an email from his dad's attorney asking him to seize and desist. There was a lot of physical and emotional trauma in his home perpetrated by his dad, so I think this is a melt down. This is the biggest problem and I hope someone out there can help me with it. I feel safe right now. As crazy as that sounds, as long as he is raging at someone else, I'm not the bad guy.
     The times that he has been mad at me, he said and did the same things he is doing now to his family. He's said things like "I'd like to beat him to death". This all over an inheritance that may or not come to fruition at his dad's death. My pwBPD wants the money now and feel that he has it coming. He doesn't trust that his sister and brother in law will do the right thing. I listen to him and it all sounds dramatic and so unfounded.
      For the time being, he thinks I'm wonderful and tells me how much he loves me. He says this a lot and it is as though with everyone else out of his life, he needs to protect our relationship. I do realize that this may be temporary and that once the 'shock' has left, it will be fair game for his rage to attack anyone.
       Has anyone else felt good about not being the whipping post?
       I'm feeling kind of guilty that I am taking delight of this and am just glad that he's not mad at me.

[Sparky5]

Loyal wife ,
     My pulse actually began to race as I read over your post. I know that feeling of being a target, of being blamed for everything, of being yelled at and put into the dense FOG. My s/o is currently out on a three day partying binge and you know what I'm beginning to feel? A glimmer of relief! I'm not having to keep looking over my shoulder and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Bless you for your patience with your H , you are amazing but please don't forget to honor yourself. What is happening to you is abuse and it will slowly take a toll on you. Self care is important and something that I totally lost sight of which in the end, which seems to be occurring now, I feel like I have lost my individual identity as I have been a caretaker for so long. Stay strong!

-Sparky

[loyalwife]

Sparky,

   Abuse. A word I used frequently last year when he left me for the fourth time. I looked up the meaning of FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and realize that this is what has kept me stagnant.   Instead of feeling that his attention and admiration is warranted, it feels instead that he is setting me up. One false move and it's over, again.
   I'm trying to do more self care and taking care of myself. For now it consists of taking a walk with my dog. We have time alone to just breathe in the air, walk where we want and take as much time as needed. This is an activity that my h is not interested in doing. It's rare that I even go to the store by myself. It's as though he doesn't want me out of his sight either because he doesn't trust me, or that I will take too much time... So, walking the dog gives me freedom.
   As far as the abuse taking it's toll, it has and I recognize the resemblance to my mothers life with my father. I'm not sure if he was BPD or bi polar, but his temper and control issues mirror my situation now. Whenever he felt that my mother might leave, or have her own life he sabotaged it. Perhaps this is why I am so compliant and willing to ignore the signs. I do see the similarities.
     Just a year ago, knowing the reasons why were so important to find out. I was trying hard to fix him. Once I saw how BPD worked, this fixing stopped. The only one that can is him, and he sees the world outside of himself as wrong. I've started therapy alone for all the right reasons. This too is a way to self care.
     No matter how good the day is, the memory of the pain doesn't go away. When will I turn into the bad person, it's not an if, it's a when, and a for sure. He will be mad at me and I will be devalued, in his eyes. But it's just that, in his eyes. I have only to look into the eyes of my children to see that I do have so much value.
      So, for now I will continue to have my daily walk with my trusted dog, who enjoys just being with me. It's not much, but it's more than I have had before.
       Sparky, I know that you are enjoying the reprieve from your gf, and the ups and downs of a rs with a BPD. They really don't know what they have, ever.
      
      
    

[Sparky5]

Sparky,

   Abuse. A word I used frequently last year when he left me for the fourth time. I looked up the meaning of FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and realize that this is what has kept me stagnant.   Instead of feeling that his attention and admiration is warranted, it feels instead that he is setting me up. One false move and it's over, again.
   I'm trying to do more self care and taking care of myself. For now it consists of taking a walk with my dog. We have time alone to just breathe in the air, walk where we want and take as much time as needed. This is an activity that my h is not interested in doing. It's rare that I even go to the store by myself. It's as though he doesn't want me out of his sight either because he doesn't trust me, or that I will take too much time... So, walking the dog gives me freedom.
   As far as the abuse taking it's toll, it has and I recognize the resemblance to my mothers life with my father. I'm not sure if he was BPD or bi polar, but his temper and control issues mirror my situation now. Whenever he felt that my mother might leave, or have her own life he sabotaged it. Perhaps this is why I am so compliant and willing to ignore the signs. I do see the similarities.
     Just a year ago, knowing the reasons why were so important to find out. I was trying hard to fix him. Once I saw how BPD worked, this fixing stopped. The only one that can is him, and he sees the world outside of himself as wrong. I've started therapy alone for all the right reasons. This too is a way to self care.
     No matter how good the day is, the memory of the pain doesn't go away. When will I turn into the bad person, it's not an if, it's a when, and a for sure. He will be mad at me and I will be devalued, in his eyes. But it's just that, in his eyes. I have only to look into the eyes of my children to see that I do have so much value.
      So, for now I will continue to have my daily walk with my trusted dog, who enjoys just being with me. It's not much, but it's more than I have had before.
       Sparky, I know that you are enjoying the reprieve from your gf, and the ups and downs of a rs with a BPD. They really don't know what they have, ever.
      
      
    

I'm so glad to hear that you are taking care of YOU and also your place of awareness regarding abuse. The verbal wounds are real. I told my gf yesterday, when she left for who knows how long, that the emotional wounds from the rage are worse than physical wounds and can you guess what the response was? I was a jerk for making her feel bad. Now I know folks around here like to say that these people can't help it, but sometimes I'm not so sure. I have had times where the emotional abuse was so bad I was literally begging her to stop, and she would smile! Makes me feel sick just thinking about it. You know that feeling you get in the  pit of your stomach? Ugh
        One thing is for sure, they don't improve without specialized therapy and some are masters at manipulating their therapist. I know it's difficult, but try to stay centered and balanced. Are you a woman of faith? I find prayer to be very beneficial.  I've also got a couple of dogs that are awesome in this difficult time. I don't sleep alone. . The memories of the pain  and hurtful words and FOG can be devastating and I can sympathize with your fear. There is nothing worse than being a target. The tension that you feel in your body as you wait for the next onslaught of terrifying rage. The crazy making , like it's all your fault. I'm left with ulcers over this.
    Seems like you are gaining insight into some childhood patterns which I believe is key in helping understand OUR PART in all of this. I want to know and understand why I've hung in there for so long when I know at an intellectual level that a healthy person would have bailed long ago. Stay strong, love yourself and your kids. You are valuable, you are loveable, you are kind, you are compassionate and your feelings and needs matter. 

-Sparky