I really need some advice...

[Sparky5]

     So I guess I have to finally accept that it's really over. She's been gone for days and today conceded that her heart belongs to someone else. In an instant I went into the anger stage of grief. I'm trying to arrange logistics as far as getting her things out of my home and off of my property. She refuses to return my text and calls. I'm really pissed off right now. How the hell am I supposed to heal in this situation? All she would give me was " I'll give you a date by the end of the week." I really want to start packing her things. She has a lot of things here and I want every single one of them gone. Since she's ignoring me, I have no way to plan. Is this just a control thing?
           I have never been in a relationship that was so abusive but to be honest this one is not the first. I have discussed this with my therapist in the past and he told me when I was  finally strong enough to leave I may very well end up with PTSD. I never understood why people stay in abusive relationships but the reality is that fear is the anchor. I was terrified that she would feign an injury and I would end up being charged with something that didn't happen. Seriously, this was my fear. I have seen her rage hundreds of times. I have had the cops at my home before when she got physical. Tripped me then kicked me when I was down and throwing haymakers. I got away and called 911. When the Sheriff arrived I did not file charges. He pulled me aside and said, "what is her diagnosis". It was that obvious! Bottom line is that I know this intellectually so why am I struggling? I should be relieved that I don't have to constantly look over my shoulder but all I can think about are the tender moments, which I would guess we're about 20% of the time.
      So I went to an AA meeting and after the meeting shared my tale of abuse for the first time in public. Some of the people actually know my ex and nodded their heads saying " yup, I've totally seen that side of her". Thank God for validation.Thank God for my friends in AA.  Also had an old timer kick my ass and tell me to take responsibility for my actions and quit pointing fingers, that no good would come of it. sound advice. If I had been man enough to end it when the abuse began, I wouldn't be here now. If I wasn't so damned codependent, this wouldn't have happened. Damn I need to quit beating myself up. So should I get a lawyer to facilitate this? What is the best course of action? Any and all advice will be much appreciated.
-Sparky

[juju2]

Hi

All i can share is, I did not want to make any changes, when upset, distraught, obsessing, as that isn't my true voice.

Sometimes the best thing for me to do is nothing, am not reacting.

When I can get quiet, see my part, learn, share here, find my true voice, then and only then, am I going to be able to look at possible actions.  Nothing has to be done right now!

Get myself some quiet time, sort things out, do very good self care, get myself centered... .peace


If i get into, right now, get it done, for me that is a red flag, I am reacting to something.  What's going on with me.

one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, sometimes.

j

[Skip]

She's been gone for days and today conceded that her heart belongs to someone else. In an instant I went into the anger stage of grief. I'm trying to arrange logistics as far as getting her things out of my home and off of my property. She refuses to return my text and calls.

You've been violated in a really significant way... .she has thrown your whole life into disarray. Ending a relationship like this is poor character. You are left to struggle with your attachment to her and your violation by her. It's hard.

We can help and please don't feel that landing here is a failure and there is shame. Many of us have walked this walk.

Right now, dealing with her is going to be messy and she is going to be careless with your heart, she has already signaled that. You also don't want to contend with the new beau or be her safety net. You want to work with others here on getting yourself to safe harbor.

Right now this is crisis and you need a crisis plan.

1. Did she say she was moving out, leaving?
2. What does she have stored at your home? Can you spell that out?
3. Has she paid rent or utilities?

Skip

[bananas2]

Hi Sparky5 -

Firstly, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you've endured and the pain you are feeling now. I'm glad you're here talking about your feelings and that you have a T and friends in AA who can help you process those feelings.
It's only been a few days. This is very raw for you. Take a breath and give yourself a break.

She has a lot of things here and I want every single one of them gone. Since she's ignoring me, I have no way to plan. Is this just a control thing?

Yes, in all likelihood this IS about control. I relate to your frustration with this situation. My H left suddenly a few months ago, and while I've returned his things to him, he continues to regularly  demand other items from our home. When I attempt to make specific arrangements, he often avoids my questions, doesn't reply, or gives me vague answers.
This could also be a way for her to paint you black. She could be telling others (and herself) that you are refusing to get her items back to her.
You can't change her behavior, only yours. So if it will give you some peace to pack up her things, then pack them up, put them in a place where you don't have to see them, and if she wants them back, she can contact you.

Please continue working on your self-care, and keep us updated on here so that we can continue to support you through this difficult transition. 

[Wicker Man]

I really want to start packing her things. She has a lot of things here and I want every single one of them gone.

There may not be any harm in buying some boxes and beginning to pack up her things.  This would give you a sense of forward motion and get her things out of plain sight.

(If she is anything like mine was she will, of course, re-pack everything because you didn't do it correctly.  In her loving moments mine would take everything out of my suitcase piece by piece, as I put them in and re-fold them and then put them back in herself so they 'fit better' --I travel for a living and pack just fine on my own.)

Since she's ignoring me, I have no way to plan. Is this just a control thing?

Mine ghosted me once -she found someone at hand and didn't need me that week.  Since detaching from my relationship and doing a lot of reading here on the BPD Family site I now believe she never had a plan.  To attribute an agenda to the actions of my ex was a mistake.  She simply acted -loving, hating, lying, cheating -never a plan.  Everyone is different -but mine certainly acted our of impulse.
 

I never understood why people stay in abusive relationships but the reality is that fear is the anchor.

Don't beat yourself up.  I stayed in my relationship for as long as I did because I adored her and (sometimes) she adored me.  Being a codependent people pleaser -I thought I could help her.  Instead of a 'doormat' I styled myself as being a responsible man and a romantic... . sounds much nicer than 'doormat', but in my dysfunctional relationship it was semantics... .

I am relieved to hear you are seeing therapist and have the support of AA.  Seeing friends and other healthy people is important -I found myself swept away in my ex's maelstrom --it help me to get a reality check.

... .an old timer kick my ass and tell me to take responsibility for my actions and quit pointing fingers, that no good would come of it. sound advice. If I had been man enough to end it when the abuse began, I wouldn't be here now.

Ok... . Sure good advice... . In my relationship there were plenty of red flags events, but it was a slow and steady creep toward dysfunction and abuse.  I was not ready to leave until I was ready to leave.  Once again, try not to beat yourself up -hindsight is great, but we all do the best we can in each moment of our lives.

If I knew in the past what I know now I would have started therapy many many years ago... .I didn't and ended up having one hell of a year last year --I am currently in therapy and making progress.


Wicker Man

[Sparky5]

Hi

All i can share is, I did not want to make any changes, when upset, distraught, obsessing, as that isn't my true voice.

Sometimes the best thing for me to do is nothing, am not reacting.

When I can get quiet, see my part, learn, share here, find my true voice, then and only then, am I going to be able to look at possible actions.  Nothing has to be done right now!

Get myself some quiet time, sort things out, do very good self care, get myself centered... .peace


If i get into, right now, get it done, for me that is a red flag, I am reacting to something.  What's going on with me.

one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, sometimes.

j

  Thanks Juju your words ring true. I got pissed and reacted instead of responding. This is so confusing. I am trying to see my part in this, I really am. After years of abuse it's pretty hard. Now we have this weird partial contact thing going on where she will only communicate with me by exchanging notes on my front porch. She asked me to make a list of what I want to see happen and leave it on the porch. She picks it up when I'm at work. I hear what you are saying loud and clear, I just feel like I got shot in gut and I'm bleeding out. God works in incredible ways and I have to trust that. Her youngest daughter actually checked in with me and sent her love and understanding with a picture of the two of us this morning. She is amazing. Maybe that was the whole point? I always told myself that I wouldn't end it until _____ was safe and I stood in the gap to deflect the abuse on her for years. Apparently she notices that and is doing really well, I'm so very proud of her. I think I might leave work early and go to the doctor as I can't sleep and I've actually begun wasting. I weighed 220 three weeks ago and I'm at 185 this morning, I just cant eat and I'm lucky to sleep four hours a night. This is beginning to take a dangerous physical toll. Indeed, right now, it's one minute at a time. I am so grateful for you and your insights, thank you so very much.
-Sparky

[Sparky5]

Hi Sparky5 -

Firstly, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you've endured and the pain you are feeling now. I'm glad you're here talking about your feelings and that you have a T and friends in AA who can help you process those feelings.
It's only been a few days. This is very raw for you. Take a breath and give yourself a break.
Yes, in all likelihood this IS about control. I relate to your frustration with this situation. My H left suddenly a few months ago, and while I've returned his things to him, he continues to regularly  demand other items from our home. When I attempt to make specific arrangements, he often avoids my questions, doesn't reply, or gives me vague answers.
This could also be a way for her to paint you black. She could be telling others (and herself) that you are refusing to get her items back to her.
You can't change her behavior, only yours. So if it will give you some peace to pack up her things, then pack them up, put them in a place where you don't have to see them, and if she wants them back, she can contact you.

Please continue working on your self-care, and keep us updated on here so that we can continue to support you through this difficult transition. 

 Thank you so much for your kind support. I agree, this may be a coping mechanism to paint me black. I remember early on the things she would say about her daughters father. The hard part is that there is no clean break. She goes to the home when I'm at work and has instituted some strange communication rules. Now we pass notes on the front porch. WTH? I'm not sure that she even has a solid plan. I actually seriously doubt that she does. We met in recovery, she knows how this is going to play out but she has to find her own bottom. I told her she had better hit the brakes before she hits the wall but I know I can't save her.  I was specifically told "don't touch my sh*t" (spoken like a true lady) so now I'm afraid to touch anything. I've had people advise me to seek legal counsel, what do you think? We were never married and about five years into it she was given a mobile home which she moved all of her things into, never spent a night in, didn't make the space rent payment and lost a bunch of her stuff. The point I'm making is that if she were to try some sort of common law marriage argument I could make a case for abandonment. This is getting messy. I'm trying to stay calm and take care of myself. I have a meeting with my sponsor tonight whom I know for a fact was married to a crazy woman so I'm really hoping for some insight. I wish I could fast forward through this gut wrenching phase. I hope you are doing well in your detachment. 
-Sparky

[juju2]

 You are welcome Sparky.

Glad you are meeting w your sponsor.  I work the al anon program, am co dependent and it helps me a lot.

There are many possibilities when I start working the steps. 

There is hope, help and healing.  Changed attitudes aid recovery.

j

[bananas2]

Sparky -

You've asked a few times about seeking legal advice. The fact that you are not legally married complicates things, but depending on what state you live in, you may have some rights based on "common law." Most divorce lawyers offer a 1/2 hr - 1 hour consultation free of charge. I believe it is probably in your best interest to have a free consultation with an attorney, or possibly even several attorneys. If the consultations are free, you have nothing to lose, and it may help you determine your options and course of action.

Several years prior to my marriage to my STBXH, I ended a 17 year common law r/s. It was with a "non," so it wasn't as awful as detaching from a pwBPD, but in hindsight, I wish I'd at least consulted with a lawyer.

I was fortunate enough to find a wonderful lawyer this time. She came at the recommendation of my MC.
Do any other members here have suggestions for how to search for an attorney?

[Radcliff]

Maintain compassion and respect, but the more you can make decisions and take actions that do not depend on her, the more at peace you will feel.  Wicker Man's suggestion to buy boxes and start packing is an excellent one.  Skip's suggestion to not volunteer to give her things you paid for is also a good one.

Regarding the decor and things looking barren, how about if you just pack up what you don't like, leave whatever decor you'd prefer to have for now, and let her ask for anything you haven't packed?

What kind of list were you supposed to do?  It's OK to be considerate, but don't bend over backwards to follow her particular preferences and make this hard on yourself.  Think about a way to get things done that works for you.

One option would be to rent a storage locker, pay for it for a month or two, give her the combo, start loading her stuff in it, and tell her that after the initial period she can move her things or start paying for it.

Communicate enough to handle logistics, but work to reduce your contacts to give you space to breath.  Long or complicated communications will trigger and exhaust you.

Does she have access to the house?  Have you changed the locks?

WW

[Sparky5]

There may not be any harm in buying some boxes and beginning to pack up her things.  This would give you a sense of forward motion and get her things out of plain sight.

(If she is anything like mine was she will, of course, re-pack everything because you didn't do it correctly.  In her loving moments mine would take everything out of my suitcase piece by piece, as I put them in and re-fold them and then put them back in herself so they 'fit better' --I travel for a living and pack just fine on my own.)
Mine ghosted me once -she found someone at hand and didn't need me that week.  Since detaching from my relationship and doing a lot of reading here on the BPD Family site I now believe she never had a plan.  To attribute an agenda to the actions of my ex was a mistake.  She simply acted -loving, hating, lying, cheating -never a plan.  Everyone is different -but mine certainly acted our of impulse.
 
Don't beat yourself up.  I stayed in my relationship for as long as I did because I adored her and (sometimes) she adored me.  Being a codependent people pleaser -I thought I could help her.  Instead of a 'doormat' I styled myself as being a responsible man and a romantic... . sounds much nicer than 'doormat', but in my dysfunctional relationship it was semantics... .

Don't beat yourself up.  I stayed in my relationship for as long as I did because I adored her and (sometimes) she adored me.  Being a codependent people pleaser -I thought I could help her.  Instead of a 'doormat' I styled myself as being a responsible man and a romantic... . sounds much nicer than 'doormat', but in my dysfunctional relationship it was semantics... .

Ok... . Sure good advice... . In my relationship there were plenty of red flags events, but it was a slow and steady creep toward dysfunction and abuse.  I was not ready to leave until I was ready to leave.  Once again, try not to beat yourself up -hindsight is great, but we all do the best we can in each moment of our lives.

If I knew in the past what I know now I would have started therapy many many years ago... .I didn't and ended up having one hell of a year last year --I am currently in therapy and making progress.


Wicker Man

     Thank you Wicker. I have a sense that there really is no plan and now that I have asked her to move her things, she's under a lot of pressure. She has said in the past week "I'm in survival mode and shooting from the hip". No job, on SDI but with child support getting taken out, only left with about 600 a month and she drinks and smokes and looks like shes playing with meth again (horrible sores on her face). This has to be pretty terrifying at some level for her. I don't see how any man in their right mind would want anything to do with her in the shape she's in. I've never seen her worse and I've seen a lot. Her eating disorder is full blown again as well, last week I found several used blister packs of laxatives. That's her way of purging and right now she is significantly malnourished and skinny.

To attribute an agenda to the actions of my ex was a mistake.  She simply acted

This statement really resonates with me.

Don't beat yourself up.  I stayed in my relationship for as long as I did because I adored her and (sometimes) she adored me.  Being a codependent people pleaser -I thought I could help her.  Instead of a 'doormat' I styled myself as being a responsible man and a romantic... . sounds much nicer than 'doormat', but in my dysfunctional relationship it was semantics... .

 There were times I did indeed adore her but there were more times that I was a doormat. I thought I'd be the one to show her she was worthy of love but I just don't think that is possible with someone so sick. I remember friends laughing and saying "Hey man , when are you going to get your balls back" the abuse, the disrespect, the condescension and criticism at times, were out in the open, for the world to see. Still, I thought I could make things better. Being codependent really sucks.

Maelstrom. Great word. It's so true. I will get caught up in the crazy making and end up on my heels emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. Being in the FOG is a really tough place to be and she was/is masterful in casting it upon me. I'm trying not to beat myself up, but now she's TEXTING the FOG. God help me

[Sparky5]

Maintain compassion and respect, but the more you can make decisions and take actions that do not depend on her, the more at peace you will feel.  Wicker Man's suggestion to buy boxes and start packing is an excellent one.  Skip's suggestion to not volunteer to give her things you paid for is also a good one.

Regarding the decor and things looking barren, how about if you just pack up what you don't like, leave whatever decor you'd prefer to have for now, and let her ask for anything you haven't packed?

What kind of list were you supposed to do?  It's OK to be considerate, but don't bend over backwards to follow her particular preferences and make this hard on yourself.  Think about a way to get things done that works for you.

One option would be to rent a storage locker, pay for it for a month or two, give her the combo, start loading her stuff in it, and tell her that after the initial period she can move her things or start paying for it.

Communicate enough to handle logistics, but work to reduce your contacts to give you space to breath.  Long or complicated communications will trigger and exhaust you.

Does she have access to the house?  Have you changed the locks?

WW

Thanks WW. I'm trying to maintain compassion and respect but it's pretty difficult when she is controlling all of the communication. I just got a lengthy text full of name calling and blame shifting. Weird thing is, right after I received the text my phone quit working. Looks like God may have been saving me from myself. She has however said in the last day to not touch any of her things. I'm trying to be respectful of that but it's hard when she jumps in and throws the rage I have known so well. Sad thing is I'm buying into it, like I have for ten years.
  The list? I really have no idea what the hell she meant by that. I'm suppose to make a list of what she's suppose to take? I asked her to come over so we could just take ten minutes to figure it out but I can see she's in the process of painting me black to make her departure easier on her. Wow, she just accused me of adulturous affairs with my ex wife. She didn't mention we were separated and she was the other woman ten years ago. Holy crap!
        I had a friend mention the storage locker thing as well but legally I believe she still has time to vacate. I have contacted legal counsel to make sure I'm in the clear as far as common law marriage goes. We never filed taxes together, we never comingled bank accounts, we never presented as "husband and wife". There was a time when I did propose, but thank God we broke that off. I have been trying to just do logistics but like I said, she is completely controlling the channels of communication simply by avoidance. When I start getting a handle on my emotions, she shoots me another text, knowing full well that I'm waiting for a discussion on logistics, and bombs me FOG. It's just friggen cruel. I have asked her to stop but I know her, she gets off on it. Damn I need a solid strategy. ThanksWW.
-Sparky

[Radcliff]

When I start getting a handle on my emotions, she shoots me another text, knowing full well that I'm waiting for a discussion on logistics, and bombs me FOG. It's just friggen cruel. I have asked her to stop but I know her, she gets off on it. Damn I need a solid strategy. ThanksWW.
-Sparky

Yes, you need a plan that does not depend on her at all.  Talk to your lawyer.  Figure out the logistics that you have to transact with her, and for each item, make a plan for how to deal with it if she is completely unresponsive.  Double your plans with your lawyer if you think you need to -- for example, you should understand if she has any rights to access your home, and assuming you're square with your lawyer, don't wait around for her to give you permission.  One way to do it is to send her a message that says, "We have to resolve X.  Unless you have any alternative suggestions, on [insert date] I will do Y."  Or you can just do it and tell her what you did.

The key is not to depend on her to do anything or give you permission for anything (assuming there are no legal requirements).  It will drive you nuts.

WW

[Sparky5]

Yes, you need a plan that does not depend on her at all.  Talk to your lawyer.  Figure out the logistics that you have to transact with her, and for each item, make a plan for how to deal with it if she is completely unresponsive.  Double your plans with your lawyer if you think you need to -- for example, you should understand if she has any rights to access your home, and assuming you're square with your lawyer, don't wait around for her to give you permission.  One way to do it is to send her a message that says, "We have to resolve X.  Unless you have any alternative suggestions, on [insert date] I will do Y."  Or you can just do it and tell her what you did.

The key is not to depend on her to do anything or give you permission for anything (assuming there are no legal requirements).  It will drive you nuts.

WW

Thank you WW for the sage advice. It will indeed drive me nuts. I have an appointment with the attorney tomorrow. Meanwhile, after receiving a poison text blaming me for everything, rather than return in kind, I took some time to reflect and respond, rather than react. In addition my phone literally froze up to the point where I had to go buy a new one. God saved me from making a mistake I think. I did eventually respond by acknowledging my part in this and wishing her well. She responded by saying that she is totally sick over this with a crying emoji. Ouch. She did come buy the house while I was at work and picked up a few things. I also got in touch with a therapist since mine is gone until mid June and went to a meeting last night, met with my sponsor afterwards, and spoke with my Dad and Sister, so I'm working real hard at taking care of me and trying to stay out of my head. Good Lord relieve me of the bondage of self.
   -Sparky

[Radcliff]

That's great that you're activating your support network, and you're getting support from a variety of sources.  Also good that you recognize that reacting quickly to upsetting messages can make things worse.  Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how the meeting with the attorney goes.

WW

[Sparky5]

That's great that you're activating your support network, and you're getting support from a variety of sources.  Also good that you recognize that reacting quickly to upsetting messages can make things worse.  Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how the meeting with the attorney goes.

WW

Thanks again WW,
     Good news from the attorney, there is no way that she could win an alimony suit. This is a huge weight off of my shoulders as I was pretty worried there for a few days. I haven't seen her since Sunday and she has not returned to pick up any of her things. I think I need to focus on going NC at this point and let the clock run out on the eviction notice. She has been shooting me a text almost daily. Usually a "crying" emoji with a short text saying "I'm undone" or "I'm in Survival mode" or some short statement about being hurt. I get the feeling that she's just trying to see if I'm still available just in case things don't work out with the new guy. It's hard though. For ten years I've been the one to pick her up and put her back together every time she falls apart. If I try to console her, she ignores me, which tells me that she's just try to maintain control? I could really use some advice on what to do with these "poor me" type of text. Still hurts bad, but I think is getting just a little bit better each day. Gotta get to work... .
-Sparky

[Shawnlam]

Best advice I can give ... .delete them .Its not your fault she left and is this way, it’s not your problem to fix or save her anymore .

[Jeffree]

Sparky... .

I could really use some advice on what to do with these "poor me" type of text.

Shawnlam and others have given some solid advice here.

I, however, tend to do the bull in a china shop approach and would text back... ."sorry you're feeling undone, but shouldn't those emojis be shared with the new person your heart belongs to? Also, does he happen to have room for your stuff that is no longer welcomed here?" 

I am sure the above is wrong and ineffective, but at a certain point you just have to stick up for yourself and your rights and communicate in a reality-based way. She said her heart belongs to someone else. That means your relationship is over, as you said in the first sentence of this thread. Thus, like Shawnlam says it's not your problem anymore to fix or save her.

I was in your position starting last Aug. 1. I promptly began packing up her stuff and moving it into the garage, cleaning out and organizing the bedroom she had been staying in so my SD22 could move back in, etc. It was very empowering and cleansing to take back possession of my house.

Speaking of which, I have more garbage removal to do this weekend.

J

[Radcliff]

One disadvantage of texting back is that she might regard any attention as good attention.  Even if you text, "go away," you are giving her attention.  She may push back against your pushing and keep texting you.  If she gets silence, there's no payoff for texting you.

WW

[Sparky5]

One disadvantage of texting back is that she might regard any attention as good attention.  Even if you text, "go away," you are giving her attention.  She may push back against your pushing and keep texting you.  If she gets silence, there's no payoff for texting you.

WW

Thank you for this WW. She's deep in her disease. Wish I could help her get back into recovery but I know full well that no one does that until they're ready and if they do it for anyone other than themselves, it's not going to stick. One day at a time is how I'm living my life right now and that seems to bee working well.

-Sparky

[Radcliff]

Thank you for this WW. She's deep in her disease. Wish I could help her get back into recovery but I know full well that no one does that until they're ready and if they do it for anyone other than themselves, it's not going to stick. One day at a time is how I'm living my life right now and that seems to bee working well.

-Sparky

And serenity, courage, wisdom helps daily.  There's a lot we can't control.

WW