Self-sabotaging

[HappyChappy]

I’ve often read that children of BPD can often self sabotage. I noticed that I tend to leave things to the last minute, so end up rushing around and becoming stressed. I know this comes from a BPD mother that insisted we were always rushing and didn't waist a minute of time. Hence whilst waiting you need to be doing something else. I now realise its very important to do nothing at times, to help with stress. Which is handy because I live in a country renowned for queuing.

Does anyone else have any examples of self sabotaging behaviour, be it in themselves or gleamed from this forum ? I ask, because sometimes we need others to point these things out to us. I assume most of us don't continuously sabotage our lives, its subconscious until pointed out in a thread. 

[Mutt]

I remember my dad used to rush to everything and sometimes as a kid I just wanted to stop and smell the roses. For example when we went on road trips, he doesn't have BPD traits he has narcissistic and anxiety traits. As an adult I have anxiety and I feel into a pattern where I felt like I always had to be busy with something and in my case it was anxiety that made me feel that way. It's really hard for me to dial back and just relax and do nothing but I do from time to time but instead of worrying or feeling anxious I work out to empty my head of thoughts and to tire myself out.

[deirdre]

I don't know exactly how it correlates back to my pwBPD but I self-sabotage all the time (trying to fix it though). I struggle to meaningfully do nothing if I have other work to do. During college this was a challenge because there is always something that is going to be due soon. When I would take a break, I would just sit there browsing fb feeling guilty about not being productive. What I wanted to be doing was reading, hiking, or painting. But my anxiety about taking a break lead to more of a "paralysis" break, instead of a rejuvenating break. Because of this I have struggled with swinging between being in over-productive mode and 0 production mode where I feel anxiety about my choice either way. My uBPD father has always been about "work ethic" and seeing me as lazy so  I guess I swing between wanting to prove him right (because I am in a lot of pain fairly often and can't go-go-go all the time.) and wanting to prove him wrong. My mom is also OCD never stops and even though she never stops she always acts like she is running late.

On the other end of this I more recently became good at self-sabotaging by productively procrastinating. Where I do everything to feel productive that I can, besides what actually needs done. That way I look like and feel like I am busy. Then I rush to do whatever was important last minute. I could probably go on and on about other ways I throw a wrench in my own plans, but I will end it here... .Might add more later... .

[Harri]

I visited London once and it was just three days after Princess Diana was killed.  The lines were amazing and everyone was so quiet!  Even around the palace.  I was stunned.  No pushing, no griping, no talking.  Even the kids.  Anyhoo... .

Self-sabotage, oh let me count the ways!  I take an all or nothing approach to a lot of things but I am learning to temper that.  I don't like going full throttle only to burn out because that just reinforces my belief that I am a failure.  Posting here is teaching me that.  I can't over-do otherwise I am useless and will back off from coming and I want and need to be here.

I also sabotage with eating.  I am diabetic so I need low carb food as my insulin pump can only do so much.  But what do I like to binge on?  Foods high in carbs!  :)ang it.   Also need to eat low salt due to ascites... .but give me high sodium pizza!  Sighs.  Every time i make a good choice in eats is a victory for me when I am in binge mode tho even veggies have carbs.  

I want/need to sell my condo as I can't afford to live here anymore but that requires packing and cleaning out.  I am not a pack rat but I hope to go from 1050 sq.ft. to about 500 sq. ft.  I have done some work but really want the packing and cleaning elves to come do it all for me.  

So those are just three examples of sabotaging all with pretty big consequences too.  And those are just what I am aware of!

As i work on changing my behaviors I find I have more energy to do stuff and I am able to make even better choices.  It is all in the mind.  In the last two weeks I have forced myself to go out and told myself to knock off the whining about how I hurt and how hard it is.  No one cares and no one can fix it so I have to get back on track with saying No!  Pain you do not get the better of me today!  Some days I just can't and that is okay.  I bring out my radical acceptance tool.  Most of the time I use it and other times I want to use it for a dart board, but still.  Progress!

[zachira]

Happy Chappy,
Thank you for starting this thread on how children of BPD self sabotage.  I can certainly identify with that. I started going to therapy a number of years ago because I realized I was my own worst enemy and often found myself exhibiting some of the terrible behaviors of my family members with BPD traits. Recently, I have been in crisis mode due to my family's war on me, since I have changed more than they are comfortable with. I often beat myself up about all the things I have avoided doing, how I have trouble getting basic tasks done, and how I have never allowed myself to get married or have children. My cousin who is a therapist has remarked that the favorite children in the family are all married, whereas the scapegoats are all single. I am now realizing I have to value myself as I will not be able to accept love and caring from others and the opportunities that come my way, if I don't.

[sklamath]

Thanks for starting this thread, HappyChappy. It’s been interesting to reflect on the idea.

I would have to say that imposter syndrome is the biggest one for me. My BPD mom would often say that “other people think they are so much better”, which I internalized as “other people are alway better than me”. I’ve definitely had a pervasive feeling of not being good enough, belonging, or deserving of the good things in my life.

This has had tons of implications on my education, career, and social life—and even whether I allow myself to pursue or excel at avocational interests. For example, BPDm was threatened by my academic achievements, so she would tell me that higher ed was a poor financial decision. Even though I was an excellent student, I never felt like I belonged or deserved to be at university. In my career, it has been slow progress learning that it’s OK to take a promotion, lead a project, or pitch an idea I am a little scared to take on. I have to constantly remind myself that I belong where I am, and can go further.  It’s OK to pursue a job that includes some qualifications I don’t yet meet... .it’s OK for me to have the job I have right now, even if my peers have more academic credentials.

I am pretty risk averse, as I had always learned that it was better to aim low and avoid failure. Being involved in a competitive avocation was a great way for me to learn to start taking risks and experiencing failure as a positive growth experience.

Feeling that I can pursue friendships with emotionally healthy people—or having the choice to end unhealthy/unfulfilling friendships—is HUGE. I have to constantly battle the negative self talk by reminding myself that most people don’t think they are “better than me”; most healthy people enjoy meeting new people, and if you hit it off, then you both parties should put in reciprocal effort in building and maintaining the friendship. If not, it’s OK. And I can respectfully put the kabosh on a budding one-sided friendship with an emotional vampire.

[Turkish]

I'm a procrastinator, but that could just be me... .I've never not done my taxes on time nor let build pile up despite having money to pay,  unlike my mother.

I was very much shy and withdrawn until my 30s, a hermit, with some social anxiety.  I'm not sure how much of that I got from my mother.  What helped was starting community college (maybe like a tech school in the UK) when I was 17 with reentry students mostly in their 30s. I felt better being in a cohort of people beyond my age.

On my 3rd adult job in my early 30s, my boss told me that a director in a weekly engineering meeting gave him feedback: "Turkish needs to speak up more in meetings." I was previously like a lab rat,  though I did enjoy giving lab tours to customers at my previous job.  A few people thought I was the lab manager.  No.  Just a worker bee technician. It planted a thought in my head: I was an under-achiever.

A few years ago at my current job I was called to a meeting to present my work.  There was one PhD in the room,  a few engineers,  and a very senior engineer on the phone from the remote factory, likely a PhD. Though I was at first nervous when in the room they had me stand up to present, the remote guy corroborated by results (a local guy was doubting them), and I was done.  During this meeting I was reeling from reporting my daughter being molested, I think I had reported the previous day and all hell broke loose with my ex-laws. I reasoned that if I could do that with the personal things going on,  I'd never be nervous again. 

My core feeling for years was that I didn't matter much.  I don't matter,  therefore my opinions couldn't possibly matter.  It's kind of reversed from how pwBPD react when invalidated. 

I'm an over-achieving under-achiever, if that makes any sense.  I'm doing ok,  but I could be doing better.  My boss, who's known me for 25 years thinks the opposite. My mom was both proud of me,  but still thought I should drop my life to go back to school.  My ex still thinks I need help.  It's hard to find the real Turkish with so much static.  It may be why I reject both praise and existential criticism (I take on the job constructive criticism ok).

[MissAlwaysWrong]

I definitely have low self-esteem. I was constantly compared to my sister and always needed to do better. That is not to say that I wasn't praised as well. But when it came to certain things like academics I was always compared. I find that I compare myself on my own now. I've also had some issues with emotional spending. I have really been able to get that under control and thankfully I have a great support system now. ALSO, I keep my mothers opinion in my head too much. She and I aren't really speaking and she does NOT like (understatement of the year) my future in-laws. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't like them either since she doesn't. Then I remind myself that my in-laws care about me and it is my decision to determine who I want in my life and who I do not.

[HappyChappy]

There have been some excellent examples so far, many that resonate.

I definitely have low self-esteem. I was constantly compared to my sister and always needed to do better.

My BPD did the same. Its intended to knock your self esteem to make you more malleable and less likely to stand up to them. In fact the well documented Machiavellian management style, does the same, as a way of exploiting the work force (for profits). Machiavellia was believed to be NPD.

I was taken a back when my T said I had low self esteem, because despite being the scapegoat, I ended up being the highest achiever by some way in my family and friends say I come across as very confident. But I’d confused self esteem and confidence. Self esteem is about how we value ourselves, I’m guessing that’s an issue for most of us on here. There is an online therapy service with the strap line “Because you are worth it.” clever.

how I have never allowed myself to get married or have children. My cousin who is a therapist has remarked that the favourite children in the family are all married, whereas the scapegoats are all single.

That is a very common trait on here. In my family its the NPD who's single, but he has Sadistic Personality disorder, so I'm so glad people's spider sensors have kept him living alone his whole life.

I don't like going full throttle only to burn out... .As i work on changing my behaviors I find I have more energy to do stuff and I am able to make even better choices.  It is all in the mind.

I had a French girlfriend that never spoke, but I think that was all in the mime. (joke, sorry). But the serious point is, I use comedy to slow myself down, for mindfulness. My work is very complex, its so easy to burn out. Isn't burning out self sabotage ? Just not look after ourselves properly, self sabotage ? Is low self esteem (or self image) the route of self sabotage ?

[cedarview]

This is a very useful point to make HappyChappy: I knew about the link between children experiencing abuse and then developing BPD as adults but I was not aware that children of BPD engage in self sabotage. My uBPD and uNPD parents were always telling me what I couldn't do and unfortunately before I realized how screwed up they are I had taken their advice to heart and internalized that I would have a hard time accomplishing anything in particular. It is almost like they didn't want me to have any outside interests or success that would make me unavailable to them. I will never forget one Summer I was talking to my father about how I wanted to go to the skating rink more regularly and work on my skating so I could play some informal ice hockey. I had made some friends who played and I have always wanted to improve my skating. Instead of encouraging me to practice, get exercise, and maybe make some new friends, he told me "You need to grow up doing that stuff to be any good you are just wasting your time." I was told that real men don't go to the gym to lift weights because real men build strength through doing physical work i.e. in his yard mowing the lawn or whatever. The good thing is that as I listened to them less and less my self esteem and belief in my own abilities increased to the point today where I feel accomplished and I am proud of myself.

I will admit that I have a history of sometimes engaging in some risky behaviors. I won't go into a lot of details but there is definitely something inside of me that enjoys being "down in the mud" as it were. It is something I need to start talking to my T about because it has been on my mind. I have a lot to lose if I don't learn how to say "no" sometimes. Perhaps years of being told I have limitations and weaknesses has left me seeing myself as having less value than I have.

In reading my post over again I realize there is a total dichotomy between the above two paragraphs! First I say that I am proud of myself and I followed it up with the  fact that I sometimes doubt my own value. I guess it illustrates the damage inflicted when one is brought up by a BPD parent!

[HappyChappy]

It is almost like they didn't want me to have any outside interests or success that would make me unavailable to them.

Its exactly this, that’s why they do it, to anchor you.

In reading my post over again I realize there is a total dichotomy between the above two paragraphs!

Could the dichotomy simply be that self esteem is hard to define. In fact mostly it isn’t defined in detail during normal life. It gets set a birth and underwritten by unconditional love. But we children of BPD have to re-examine it, as we didn’t get unconditional love in fact we had someone work on us in the opposite direction. What does everyone think ?

[zachira]

Indeed having good self esteem is probably the biggest challenge for those of us who have been brought up by a parent with BPD. The BPD parent does everything they can to prevent what they consider to be abandonment by not allowing their child to learn to function independently of them. I know oftentimes, I have thought I had good self esteem because how I have fought most of my life my BPD mom's continuing attempts to control me through her rages and refusal to recognize me as a separate individual. I am now in the final stages of dealing with my elderly mother, and I am finally learning to really have self-esteem: to use my inner compass to validate myself and to stop seeking outside validation from unhealthy people who in some way resemble the poisonous dynamics of my family.