Daughter is now and adult and has refused to continue therapy

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello - it was hard to pick a category because my "child" is now 19 and she has decided to discontinue any future therapy.  She hasn't been consistent with her anxiety medications and has had trouble transitioning to adulthood. 

When all of her friends and other teenagers were all over the map with their emotions, hers didn't seem to be so dibilitating.  Now that many of her fellow students are succeeding in college, first major relationships or job opportunities, her "failures" seem bigger and more frustrating.  She took classes at a local community college (2 semesters that we paid for) and received no credit because she got less than a 30 in each class (she only took 2 each time).  Now she is furious that we won't pay for more but she has lost her financial aid.  She only works 15-20 hours a week at a min. wage job so she can't pay for it. Her room is a wreck and basic life skills like doing her laundry or showering regularly have become a daily struggle.

Every day has been new arguments and fights with her as she "spews" her anger out all over us and then she feels better and we feel like we have been hit by a truck. 

Over this recent Mother's Day, it hit me that we will have to readjust all of our expectations.  My husband and I had been looking forward to an empty nest but now, we don't know if we will ever see it. 

At this point, I am going to a support group starting tomorrow and my husband and I are disengaging from her a bit for our own mental survival.  But, obviously, I'm concerned that is she continues to isolate herself, the slightest upheaval may lead to cutting or self harm.  It really is heartbreaking to see the peace, happiness, pride, joy other parents of college kids are experiencing while we consider a day when she takes a shower to be a victory.

All the negatives of BPD are highlighted (addictions, promiscuity, relationships detroyed, self-harm) and it is often repeated that there is "no cure".  Are there any "success" stories out there?

Just needed to vent and looking for some hope.

Thanks.

[mom202]

Hello - it was hard to pick a category because my "child" is now 19 and she has decided to discontinue any future therapy.  She hasn't been consistent with her anxiety medications and has had trouble transitioning to adulthood. 

When all of her friends and other teenagers were all over the map with their emotions, hers didn't seem to be so dibilitating.  Now that many of her fellow students are succeeding in college, first major relationships or job opportunities, her "failures" seem bigger and more frustrating.  She took classes at a local community college (2 semesters that we paid for) and received no credit because she got less than a 30 in each class (she only took 2 each time).  Now she is furious that we won't pay for more but she has lost her financial aid.  She only works 15-20 hours a week at a min. wage job so she can't pay for it. Her room is a wreck and basic life skills like doing her laundry or showering regularly have become a daily struggle.

Every day has been new arguments and fights with her as she "spews" her anger out all over us and then she feels better and we feel like we have been hit by a truck. 

Over this recent Mother's Day, it hit me that we will have to readjust all of our expectations.  My husband and I had been looking forward to an empty nest but now, we don't know if we will ever see it. 

At this point, I am going to a support group starting tomorrow and my husband and I are disengaging from her a bit for our own mental survival.  But, obviously, I'm concerned that is she continues to isolate herself, the slightest upheaval may lead to cutting or self harm.  It really is heartbreaking to see the peace, happiness, pride, joy other parents of college kids are experiencing while we consider a day when she takes a shower to be a victory.

All the negatives of BPD are highlighted (addictions, promiscuity, relationships detroyed, self-harm) and it is often repeated that there is "no cure".  Are there any "success" stories out there?

Just needed to vent and looking for some hope.

Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi Mom202 .  Welcome.

First of all I will try to answer your question... ."Are there any 'success' stories out there?"  I guess it depends on what your idea of "success" is.  If it means having our troubled children do a 180deg. turn to what we want them to be doing... .well... .maybe a few... .but not so many.  If it means "success" in making life better... .just different... .Yep, lots!

In reading your post I do applaud you... ."it hit me that we will have to readjust all of our expectations"... ."At this point I am going to a support group starting tomorrow and my husband I are disengaging from her a bit for our own mental survival."  Wow!  That is you getting empowered.  I hope you feel it.  On top of all that, there is so much here to help you along the way.  Change has to happen and it has to start with you and your husband, Mom202.

Refusing to pay for further education because she has not put in a good effort is certainly understandable... .maybe not to her because she doesn't want things to change.  This is YOUR money and, at her being 19,  you have no obligation to share it with her.  Whatever you give is a gift... .or sometimes a loan.

There are many here who can relate to much of what you have written.  You have come to a welcoming, supportive community.

Hope you keep sharing with us.  You learn from us... .we learn from you.

Huat

[Cynthia3]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I wish I could offer you some hope, as I know there are positive outcomes out there, but I'm in the same boat with my 18-year-old son.  He has been in therapy and taking medication since November.  Still, he's been hospitalized twice and is now in a partial care program, but none of it seems to be helping. He's been accepted to 7 colleges with scholarships but, at this rate, may not finish high school in time or, may refuse to go, go and fail out?  I feel like all of our lives, (his, mine, and his sister's) are one big question mark from day to day.  I completely understand how you're feeling at this point in your life... .wondering not only if your child will ever get better, but also if you'll ever get your lives back.  I am going through the same thing and all I can do is take it one day at a time, prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.  All I can do is offer to get my son ANY help he needs, I can't make him take it, or truly participate in it.

Good for you for refusing to pay for more college classes!  I feel like I want to, and must do what I can to support my child, without accepting and enabling his BPD behavior.  Easier said than done sometimes.  Maybe, down the road, if your child is willing to participate in mental health help, you can revisit that decision with her, but I would do exactly the same thing under the circumstances.

I sympathize with the anger you're dealing with.  My household has become a hostile environment, never knowing what to expect from minute to minute.  I am blamed for everything and called every horrible name in the book, while my 15-year-old daughter has to listen to it.

Hang in there!  You're not the only one, and it's helpful for me to know that I'm not either!

[skooz]

Hi mom202!  I also have a child the same age, or close, mine is 20 and rapidly approaching her 21st birthday.  I think it is often at 18 or so that BPD becomes obvious because all the hormonal drama of the teen years disguises it for awhile.

Readjusting expectations is GOOD, but don't lose hope!  I am finding myself just extending my timeline.  My daughter has also been in therapy and is now refusing therapy.  I just look at it this way: it is going to take her a little longer.  It will be awhile before she is miserable enough to realize that she needs to go back to therapy; she is already more open to it than before.  Once she's there, she may have a few more in-and-outs, a few more rejected therapists, etc... .  but baby steps are still progress.  Life itself can be a very good teacher.  One of these days my kid is going to be 30.  Or 40.

What will that look like?  I'd be REALLY surprised if there was no progress.  Your daughter might be so much worse that she's made a total break from you, or she might be significantly better and only needing a little support.  I doubt that it'll still look like it looks right now.  Life changes.

I'm glad you're reaching out for support both IRL and here online.  Best thing you could do!  You have to put on your own oxygen mask so you can help your daughter put on hers when she's ready.  Keeping yourself sane and healthy is truly, truly helping  HER.

[once removed]

hi mom202,

was the cutoff of funding continuing education because of her lack of effort?

[Jnel921]

welcome mom202,

I am in the same boat. My D is almost 21 and after she turned 18 I too paid for 2 semesters of college where my money went down the drain as most of the classes were remedial and she decided she wanted to take up esthetics. We invested $15K in a car and the classes only to have her run off with a guy she met on Instagram a week into her classes. Thankfully I was able to recover most of my money after I withdrew her. But since then she has been in and out of my home and has done nothing for herself. She still wants to go back to school and would still like to use the vehicle I bought except she wants to do this at her BF's and I am not doing that.

I told her privileges are earned and given when you live at home. Since she isn't she has to figure it out.

I refuse to invest anything else unless there is a significant change and if she wants to be home for the right reasons. For the most part there hasn't been any change. Right now she lives with her BF's parents and him. I believe he has a mental issue as well. It's been 7 years she has been this way and her behavior and actions unfortunely have only gotten worse.

We do our best to help our kids, but for our own sanity we need to learn to say no. Enabling doesn't help. This year I did something different and I have separated myself significantly. But this I did for my own health and peace of mind. She needs to go therapy. She needs to drop the BF and she needs to get her life on track.

Its been a tough road and now its been more about tough love in my home. I hope things get better for you.