How I can extricate myself from this deep dark well.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been struggling to escape my former relationship with a borderline. I was introduced to the idea that he may be borderline by my therapist after I discussed how difficult it was to maintain a healthy relationship. After reading much literature I have no doubt that he suffers from this disorder, but he does not acknowledge anything is wrong with him. He can look you straight in the eyes and lie, feel no guilt, and turn/spin/distort all his wrongdoings so that I am in the wrong for speaking the truth! Caught in a lie (after months of denial) his immediate defense is that I'm a stalker or have trust issues or need to get a life or clearly suffer from memory impairment. Of course his family thinks he's perfect and that I'm a troubled woman he is trapped in a relationship becuase he feels sorry for me. What the... .did I mention he's 50, never married, a womanizer, and cannot do anything without a klonopin, alcohol, and whatever else he has in his medicine cabinet. He continues to lie and do things I ask him not to do such as looking up my friends online and then calling them. I found out recently that he has continued a relationship with his ex girlfriend who of course he demonized to me when we first met. I have caught him in so many lies and his defense when I have confronted him is "They are not about significant things." Don't even get me started... .After two pregnancies I decided to finally cut him out completely. I have never met anyone who answers my questions with questions (I ask "Why do you think you lie? He will answer "You have never lied before?", apologizes but doesn't mean it, accuses me of things HE has done, and strugggles with staying consistent (says he wants to have a family with me, but then relentlessly harasses me about having an abortion). There is much more, but my mind cannot handle it right now. There is so much truth to understanding that you cannot rely on a borderline's words--just his/her actions. I almost wish I could get hit by a truck and suffer from amnesia so that I can forget this guy completely! I understand that I had my part in participating, engaging, enabling... .He had another episode that reeled me back in (shame on me) and I end up furious which of course empowers him because "look who's the crazy one now." I don't understand how he can call 75 times in 1.5 hours, leave horrific messages (self mutilation, heading to the hospital, etc.) and then accuse me of being a "psycho" when I return his calls. Please share your thoughts on how I can extricate myself from this deep dark well. I am feeling so very stupid and feel like I've lost my mind completely. I want to erase all emails and voicemails and texts but fear that I may need them one day to protect myself when he decides that he is bored with his current love interest or needs to take his anger out on me because the Golden State Warriors won again or because it's Tuesday.

[Getoverit]

I have been struggling to escape my former relationship with a borderline. I was introduced to the idea that he may be borderline by my therapist after I discussed how difficult it was to maintain a healthy relationship. After reading much literature I have no doubt that he suffers from this disorder, but he does not acknowledge anything is wrong with him. He can look you straight in the eyes and lie, feel no guilt, and turn/spin/distort all his wrongdoings so that I am in the wrong for speaking the truth! Caught in a lie (after months of denial) his immediate defense is that I'm a stalker or have trust issues or need to get a life or clearly suffer from memory impairment. Of course his family thinks he's perfect and that I'm a troubled woman he is trapped in a relationship becuase he feels sorry for me. What the... .did I mention he's 50, never married, a womanizer, and cannot do anything without a klonopin, alcohol, and whatever else he has in his medicine cabinet. He continues to lie and do things I ask him not to do such as looking up my friends online and then calling them. I found out recently that he has continued a relationship with his ex girlfriend who of course he demonized to me when we first met. I have caught him in so many lies and his defense when I have confronted him is "They are not about significant things." Don't even get me started... .After two pregnancies I decided to finally cut him out completely. I have never met anyone who answers my questions with questions (I ask "Why do you think you lie? He will answer "You have never lied before?", apologizes but doesn't mean it, accuses me of things HE has done, and strugggles with staying consistent (says he wants to have a family with me, but then relentlessly harasses me about having an abortion). There is much more, but my mind cannot handle it right now. There is so much truth to understanding that you cannot rely on a borderline's words--just his/her actions. I almost wish I could get hit by a truck and suffer from amnesia so that I can forget this guy completely! I understand that I had my part in participating, engaging, enabling... .He had another episode that reeled me back in (shame on me) and I end up furious which of course empowers him because "look who's the crazy one now." I don't understand how he can call 75 times in 1.5 hours, leave horrific messages (self mutilation, heading to the hospital, etc.) and then accuse me of being a "psycho" when I return his calls. Please share your thoughts on how I can extricate myself from this deep dark well. I am feeling so very stupid and feel like I've lost my mind completely. I want to erase all emails and voicemails and texts but fear that I may need them one day to protect myself when he decides that he is bored with his current love interest or needs to take his anger out on me because the Golden State Warriors won again or because it's Tuesday.

[once removed]

hey Getoverit, and

so, what happened leading up to this? did you get back together, and break up?

[Getoverit]

We have been broken up for months and he calls out of nowhere and I thought I was armed with knowledge and strength to handle him. We had a one hour conversation and that was that--agreed to move on separately (for the millionth time) and then he starts to call obsessively leaving voicemail after voicemail. I cave when I hear he is headed to the hospital. I don't know why I fall for that one each and every time. Of course he was lying! When I ask him about it he said "I didn't say I was headed to the hospital I said I was thinking of going." Really? His voicemail verbatim: "I'm headed to the hospital. If you try calling I just want you to know that I'm not ignoring you--I know you won't ever let that go--but just so you know I'm walking to the hospital." Does he not even know he's lying?

[once removed]

was there a reason he indicated he was headed to the hospital? was it a suicide threat?

[Getoverit]

was there a reason he indicated he was headed to the hospital? was it a suicide threat?

He knows that saying something like that will get me to call. I don't know why I fall for it each and every time. Of course he never went to the hospital. He has threatened me several times in the past, but it's all talk. I wish I had never met him. I am so disappointed in myself for staying that long. Lost so much life and money, learned nothing from him.

[once removed]

its really hard to ignore talk like that. its especially hurtful when its misleading.

so howd you respond? what do you want to do going forward?