My partner seems to have BPD and I am in Hell. I am reaching out for support

[Beastly Peppers]

Hi everyone,

this is literally my first post on any community forum EVER. I am hoping for the best ; )

I wound up here from the book "walking on egg shells". After an insane discussion with my spouse (suspected BP, no diagnosis yet) that all of our financial disasters are my fault even though they are the ones who stopped working and I have held down the same great job for 5 - 10 years. I was so disturbed I called an emergency support line. Thank God they led me to the possibility (of course cant truly diagnose someone else) that its BP and told me to read that book. It was one revelation after another.

I have been so beaten down being told that everything is my fault all the time. Isolated. Finances in ruins with on hope of turning around. I can now see I need help, so i am reaching out. This was a big step for me. I have tried to shoulder the burden and be the rock for our family. But it turns out even rocks can break.

I am hesitant to reach out to my close friends and family because I feel they will be disgusted if they learned how lazy and negative and miserable this person has acted. And if she gets better someday, then what? There are children I love so I hesitate to leave. But I have reached a turning a point. The blaming and denial and lack of accountability has reached a point that the unthinkable is feeling like a relief - leaving. For now I must be here for my kids and I am gong to see if I can steer her to therapy, etc.

I dont know what I am asking. All I can say is that not one of my needs is being met. This is completely lopsided. Its so unfair it chokes me. And if there was just one single seed of accountability or honesty I could work with that. But its like A giant mirror. Everything comes back to me. Everything is my fault. all the time. I am in Hell. Thats all I can keep thinking. I am in Hell... .

I guess there was one other question. Another thing that led to this was my mother was visiting. We were having a discussion, and then the BP side came out in my spouse. She did what she's always done in private in front of my mom. It was ugly. Later my mom tried to be fair but said she coudn't believe what she saw. The dirty fighting, the complete blame on the one person who was helping her. The complete lack of accountability. This was before I knew about BP. I finally have a person who has witnessed this. But i can't say it because of course it would torch the relationship. It's so weird knowing that someone else has seen this, and its embarrassing, but I cant really call it out. How does one deal with this?

Thanks, sorry its so long. Hopefully not too whiny. I am new to this medium of support.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Beastly Peppers and

boy you do sound exhausted. i hope there is some comfort in learning a name for this disorder, and as sorry as i am for the circumstances that brought you here, i am glad you found us and reached out. there is hope.

it will help us best support you if you can tell us a bit more about your circumstances. how long have the two of you been married? you mentioned children, how many, and how are they doing?

what are the primary sources of conflict between you and your wife? i know you mentioned she considers you at fault for everything.

keep posting, Beastly Peppers. things can get better, and/but a good, strong support system is really critical.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Beastly Peppers and let me join once removed in welcoming you! Your arriving at the board and sharing your story is a major step and you will find here a community of people with experience just like yours willing to listen to you and share their insights.

I am one of those people. Your story is not whiny at all. It strikes many chords with me, particularly with regards to FOO (family of origin). I'm going to jump in on this a bit because it forms a major part of my story.

I am hesitant to reach out to my close friends and family because I feel they will be disgusted if they learned how lazy and negative and miserable this person has acted.

I finally have a person who has witnessed this. But i can't say it because of course it would torch the relationship. It's so weird knowing that someone else has seen this, and its embarrassing, but I cant really call it out. How does one deal with this?

I was exactly the same. I suffered in silence for many years. I wouldn't dare tell friends or family to risk her image and destroying our marriage. I thought they would never forgive her and think I was insane for being with her. Until I realized I couldn't face it alone anymore. So I told my family. Fifteen minutes from now, I'm going to call my best friend to tell him. Without support, we cannot have enough strength to face this.

It's not a moral issue, it's a mindset issue, and I understand if it takes you a little time to get there. Also, remember your mother has already seen it. Giving her context might not hurt your spouse's image, but help it if you explain that this is a mental illness and she's not just some terrible person. My family was very understanding on this part - in fact they had all already suspected she had a mental illness after she had her first public blowup similar to your spouse. And while talking to them it was even revealed that one other family member had faced a BPD partner in the past. Also, remember that you don't have to give every gory detail. You can let them know certain things, or share things gradually. 

Bringing my family in was my first true step out of hell and has opened up resources to me I never imagined. Besides your mom, who do you think it would be best to talk about this with first?

Please hang on. Like once removed said, there is hope! 

~ROE

[phm]

First, let me tell you that what you are going through is absolutely familiar. It's a twilight zone where you doubt your own reality. It's a one way street and you are about to be run over.

My best advice is to validate what they say ( "I understand you feel X, Y Z". Not to try to "reason" them or deny their reality. Also little point in defending yourself because that's also denying their reality.

You feel like you are treating them like gold, and never mind getting a "thank you." You get insults and hate. I know.

And, you feel like a doormat for taking this.
What I do: Realize I am dealing with a person suffering from an illness. That's what i got. No point in waiting for them to get better, be reasonable, or be what you wish they were.
Deal with the reality and protect yourself.

[Beastly Peppers]

hi Beastly Peppers and

it will help us best support you if you can tell us a bit more about your circumstances. how long have the two of you been married? you mentioned children, how many, and how are they doing?

what are the primary sources of conflict between you and your wife? i know you mentioned she considers you at fault for everything.

Hi thank you so much. This is funny I have never used one of these message board types things before and I can't figure out how to reply to each post . I think this is the right way.

We have been married 13 years. We have a late teens step son (hers) and we have two incredible daughters together about 10 and 7 (being just a little vague on purpose). A long time ago I posted something on an anonymous site and somehow she found it and figured out it was me. She has also traumatized me from using journals since she violated them and misquoted them. So I am being a little vague, but I am also getting close to having no more F#$%s to give, so I am being pretty open, too : )

There are so many sources. I do think we love each other. Or I have until recently where I've wondered if this can be salvaged. But I'd say very recently we fight about the fact she's not working and seems to have such a passive approach to our financial crisis. Just kind of wishing and hoping for the best. We fight over intimacy. She is very closed off and introspective. She is blunt and explosive at times.

But it seems like (including to a horrible one tonight) a lot of the fighting is fighting about the way she communicates. It sounds kind of circular and dumb, but it's one of the most frustrating puzzles I've ever experienced. To this day she brings up things that happened TWELVE years ago, or TEN years ago with the birth of daughter. But only the negative. It seems like there is always an emphasis on "gotcha!" Now I have evidence that you are bad and we are gonna separate and you are wrong. I get angrier and angrier. But what I am really doing is crying out from the bottom of my heart for intimacy. And she just pulls away. And fights dirtier and dirtier. Stuffs words in my mouth. The whole conversation feels like a monologue from her of all the things I think and feel, always never statements, and threats of separation. It's pretty traumatic.

One thing that her son also often shared with me was the "always/never" challenge he had with her, too. I know it's not in my head. The amount of black and white thinking is punishing. And when I lose my temper and swear, then thats her proof. I am the abusive one. It was kind of helpful to point this out. It sounds so silly when I say it, but I am sort of just now realizing alot of our fighting is fighting about the way we fight. Long before I learned what BPD was I have been begging to her stop the always never thing. Even our therapists would point it out.

Unfortunately, I was so frustrated with her mirroring, blaming, always never and threats and fighting dirty I did something I shouldn't have, I mentioned BPD and that she has a personality disorder. No putting that one back in the bottle. It's gonna be used against me. I read that book and practiced and journaled. I have been doing better, but once battle starts my anxiety goes to 10 and I can't straight.

[Beastly Peppers]

It's a twilight zone where you doubt your own reality. It's a one way street and you are about to be run over.

My best advice is to validate what they say ( "I understand you feel X, Y Z". Not to try to "reason" them or deny their reality. Also little point in defending yourself because that's also denying their reality.

What I do: Realize I am dealing with a person suffering from an illness. That's what i got. No point in waiting for them to get better, be reasonable, or be what you wish they were.
Deal with the reality and protect yourself.

Thank you. It's the reality thing that is so crazy. I used to hear the term gas lighting and it sounded kind of silly. Then one day I realized I snapped out of a long waking coma and with horror realized wait a gosh darn minute! This is NOT REALITY! I am thankful for that moment, but I still have my doubts.

Here is my quandary. If this was my child or mother, to an extent there would be no choice. But when it is a marriage, there's that nagging thought in the back of your head you can dissolve it, even though I dont want to.

Did it take you a long time to be able to do that? I know I anew to this. But it seems impossible to endure such one-sided assaults, so desperate to maintain their version of reality. Although I have been celebrating small victories like the times I let her assaults pass at the dinner table in front of the kids and take a breath and say "don't take it personally". How do you make it stick in the heat of the moment?

[pearlsw]

Hi BeastlyPeppers,

You're already getting a lot of great support here... .so I just want to drop in and encourage you with the readings!

Have you seen these yet?

The Do’s and Don’ts of a BPD Relationship

Being An Emotional Caregiver

I know how hard it can be to be with someone who does things that damage reality. I am so sorry you are dealing with these painful issues, but you are not alone! We're here! We understand!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Radcliff]

BP, so many of the things that you are experiencing resonated with me.  You are getting great advice here. 

Let me encourage you to stick with us, to really commit yourself to learning on this site with the help of this community, for several months.  You can learn coping tools here that may well reduce the level of conflict and can definitely help you avoid making things worse.  I hear your frustration and concern that things might not work out.  That's certainly understandable given the load you're under.  Learn here, see how much improvement you see, and then take stock.

WW