How much did your life change after detaching?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Im interested to hear from those who have detached, either fully or to the point where they have got over the main issues from their relationship.

It has been hard to detach for me because I had conditioned myself to believe that I couldnt imagine what my life would be like without her, regardless of the bad times.

Enmeshed heavily, in my case more psychologically/emotionally than practically, we were not married or kids or living together to the point id find it hard to detach practically.

What ive noticed in 9 months split from her;

my health physically and mentally has returned, no more sleepless nights, anxiety, days of depression and worry, a lot of psychosomatic pain I notice has gone too. Ive stopped drinking, recreational drug abuse, cut down heavily on smoking from 40 a day to 10.

financially, I supported her during the r/s, I worked and she was on welfare at the time. I dont begrudge things like gifts, days out, but there was an element of her feeling happy with the arrangement to the point of not thinking she needed to contribute at all. Since I left, she very quickly within a month got full time employment (first time in 3 years ive known her). I realise in r/s in the past, I didnt have this pressure, but I felt obliged to help my ex because she made herself out to be dependent and vulnerable. I had promised her driving lessons and a car, because I thought it would give her freedom and happiness, I ended up saving this instead and not having to spend ive saved in that time enough to pay me through first year of university. I cant imagine of being able to have done this if I had stayed.

work: within a month of leaving her I applied to study a course that was a long held unfillfilled career aspiration. In the midst of the height of the emotional fallout from the end of the r/s I managed to get accepted and have just recently passed. The pain of sitting around at home ruminating, pacing over the same track until it became paved, a road of hurt was becoming too much, to the point I just took the opportunity to try, I had nothing to lose. It has been very hard going, I could barely read a page without having to re-read it during the time with my ex, since moving on ive got back to into it. I dont know what id be doing if I had stayed with her, going to work became exhausting and I was burned out from a cumulation of the daily chaos love/hate r/s,

hobbies: she enjoyed being on social media all day, hanging around with friends drinking and smoking, watching tv, playing computer games. I enjoyed her company more than being actively involved in her hobbies, but I realised that the things I enjoyed doing I slowly lost interest, time or even physical capacity to do anymore. She enjoyed my hobbies but preferred the more sedentary lifestyle. 9 months apart I have just started to find my old past times back as well as the energy to explore doing new things. I feel this has greatly helped to restore a sense of my identity as well as meet new people

relationships: this is the longest time I havent been with anyone, my head was in a depressed anxious state more than id ever been in my life, before I met my ex I had an active sex life and found it easy to date and make new friends. I ended up feeling isolated within myself and it has taken time to even trust new people, the paranoia of seeing red flags in almost everyone has dissolved. Ive had a few dates and it was a confidence boost just to have reciprocated good company again and not feel walking on eggshells during normal conversations. It took a while to lose this heightened sense of undue caution in expressing myself naturally having to pre-think and process what is safe to say and not. Despite going NC, I still felt an emotional enmeshment that I shouldnt even be looking at other women, my ex was very jealous and paranoid of any form of attention I would get, to the point I lost friends because of it. Ive steadily rebuilt this back and have lost that anxiety of having to consider her approval/disapproval of people I choose id like to have in my life.

negative changes; I happened to unexpectedly encounter my ex about 8 months after complete NC and gave her my number. On the surface, she has done nothing wrong, the opposite: she comes across as all the things I liked about her when I first met her. Regardless of that, my anxiety came back, ive had some sleepless nights, I started to ruminate and tread back on those bad memories, reinforcing them what id done well to stop doing. They are not paved like they were 9 months ago, but I felt like the hard work I had done was now stagnating. I am apprehensive of having any meaningful conversation out of not trusting what she would do with it, with good reason. I started to get cravings again, for the drug and alcohol use that did play a part in our r/s. Not having a r/s with anyone else made me feel the temptation of a recycle, I am infactuated with her, yet at the same time, part of me doesnt want to, the emotional intamacy is just not what it once was.

I never thought 9 months ago, the state I was in, that id ever have a quality of life back or deserved more happiness than what would be provided by her as the main source. my thoughts now are to improve on this, it does mean going complete NC for me. Above all else the most revealing life change has been a form of awakening which is hard to describe in words and im still trying to process it, but being able to do this has been one of the hardest things ive had to do and a newfound form of confidence that I have found myself by experiencing what it can be like after "losing" yourself in another person. Part of me now that ive regained a lot of strength has wondered wether I could have her in my life in some capacity, even just a long distant contact. A few people have told me that I "deserve" better, I slightly disagree but I understand the crux of that message. I wanted my ex, I felt at the time I deserved her but this was one of the thoughts that kept enmeshment. The key subtlty now is not a feeling of if I deserve her or not but that I dont want her now. The same thinking applies to a new r/s, im not going to accept it on the basis of feeling I am deserving of her I want to be together on the basis that I want her as opposed to a feeling of thinking that if I do everything she wants, I am deserving of her. Being with my ex altered my thoughts this way, I felt an obligation to do things I didnt want so as to avoid being labelled as undeserving.

Just wanted to share some positives and things that have helped me. Im wondering how anyone elses life changed after making a decision to leave, wether good and bad outcomes. How do you feel now compared to the time of being together. Also do you feel it was an experience you wish you never had or has it ended up giving you value for the future? I dont begrudge or feel that ive had 3 wasted years anymore, but I did at many points feel that I wish she was someone I had never met.

[Cromwell]

Im interested to hear from those who have detached, either fully or to the point where they have got over the main issues from their relationship.

It has been hard to detach for me because I had conditioned myself to believe that I couldnt imagine what my life would be like without her, regardless of the bad times.

Enmeshed heavily, in my case more psychologically/emotionally than practically, we were not married or kids or living together to the point id find it hard to detach practically.

What ive noticed in 9 months split from her;

my health physically and mentally has returned, no more sleepless nights, anxiety, days of depression and worry, a lot of psychosomatic pain I notice has gone too. Ive stopped drinking, recreational drug abuse, cut down heavily on smoking from 40 a day to 10.

financially, I supported her during the r/s, I worked and she was on welfare at the time. I dont begrudge things like gifts, days out, but there was an element of her feeling happy with the arrangement to the point of not thinking she needed to contribute at all. Since I left, she very quickly within a month got full time employment (first time in 3 years ive known her). I realise in r/s in the past, I didnt have this pressure, but I felt obliged to help my ex because she made herself out to be dependent and vulnerable. I had promised her driving lessons and a car, because I thought it would give her freedom and happiness, I ended up saving this instead and not having to spend ive saved in that time enough to pay me through first year of university. I cant imagine of being able to have done this if I had stayed.

work: within a month of leaving her I applied to study a course that was a long held unfillfilled career aspiration. In the midst of the height of the emotional fallout from the end of the r/s I managed to get accepted and have just recently passed. The pain of sitting around at home ruminating, pacing over the same track until it became paved, a road of hurt was becoming too much, to the point I just took the opportunity to try, I had nothing to lose. It has been very hard going, I could barely read a page without having to re-read it during the time with my ex, since moving on ive got back to into it. I dont know what id be doing if I had stayed with her, going to work became exhausting and I was burned out from a cumulation of the daily chaos love/hate r/s,

hobbies: she enjoyed being on social media all day, hanging around with friends drinking and smoking, watching tv, playing computer games. I enjoyed her company more than being actively involved in her hobbies, but I realised that the things I enjoyed doing I slowly lost interest, time or even physical capacity to do anymore. She enjoyed my hobbies but preferred the more sedentary lifestyle. 9 months apart I have just started to find my old past times back as well as the energy to explore doing new things. I feel this has greatly helped to restore a sense of my identity as well as meet new people

relationships: this is the longest time I havent been with anyone, my head was in a depressed anxious state more than id ever been in my life, before I met my ex I had an active sex life and found it easy to date and make new friends. I ended up feeling isolated within myself and it has taken time to even trust new people, the paranoia of seeing red flags in almost everyone has dissolved. Ive had a few dates and it was a confidence boost just to have reciprocated good company again and not feel walking on eggshells during normal conversations. It took a while to lose this heightened sense of undue caution in expressing myself naturally having to pre-think and process what is safe to say and not. Despite going NC, I still felt an emotional enmeshment that I shouldnt even be looking at other women, my ex was very jealous and paranoid of any form of attention I would get, to the point I lost friends because of it. Ive steadily rebuilt this back and have lost that anxiety of having to consider her approval/disapproval of people I choose id like to have in my life.

negative changes; I happened to unexpectedly encounter my ex about 8 months after complete NC and gave her my number. On the surface, she has done nothing wrong, the opposite: she comes across as all the things I liked about her when I first met her. Regardless of that, my anxiety came back, ive had some sleepless nights, I started to ruminate and tread back on those bad memories, reinforcing them what id done well to stop doing. They are not paved like they were 9 months ago, but I felt like the hard work I had done was now stagnating. I am apprehensive of having any meaningful conversation out of not trusting what she would do with it, with good reason. I started to get cravings again, for the drug and alcohol use that did play a part in our r/s. Not having a r/s with anyone else made me feel the temptation of a recycle, I am infactuated with her, yet at the same time, part of me doesnt want to, the emotional intamacy is just not what it once was.

I never thought 9 months ago, the state I was in, that id ever have a quality of life back or deserved more happiness than what would be provided by her as the main source. my thoughts now are to improve on this, it does mean going complete NC for me. Above all else the most revealing life change has been a form of awakening which is hard to describe in words and im still trying to process it, but being able to do this has been one of the hardest things ive had to do and a newfound form of confidence that I have found myself by experiencing what it can be like after "losing" yourself in another person. Part of me now that ive regained a lot of strength has wondered wether I could have her in my life in some capacity, even just a long distant contact. A few people have told me that I "deserve" better, I slightly disagree but I understand the crux of that message. I wanted my ex, I felt at the time I deserved her but this was one of the thoughts that kept enmeshment. The key subtlty now is not a feeling of if I deserve her or not but that I dont want her now. The same thinking applies to a new r/s, im not going to accept it on the basis of feeling I am deserving of her I want to be together on the basis that I want her as opposed to a feeling of thinking that if I do everything she wants, I am deserving of her. Being with my ex altered my thoughts this way, I felt an obligation to do things I didnt want so as to avoid being labelled as undeserving.

Just wanted to share some positives and things that have helped me. Im wondering how anyone elses life changed after making a decision to leave, wether good and bad outcomes. How do you feel now compared to the time of being together. Also do you feel it was an experience you wish you never had or has it ended up giving you value for the future? I dont begrudge or feel that ive had 3 wasted years anymore, but I did at many points feel that I wish she was someone I had never met.

[once removed]

its been seven years. life is good. im a better adjusted person, a wiser, and more confident person, in love, in dealing with rejection, in knowing what i want in a partner, in living my values, and in having harmonious relationships.

it took a while to get there and i still have a ways to go.

my life didnt change much for a while after the relationship ended. i had these fantasies that all kinds of fun people and things were going to pop up in my life (thats kind of how it happened after a previous bad breakup). it didnt turn out that way. in seeking it, i often ran into either rejection, or dissatisfaction. it was a dark, empty, and lonely time, which did make detaching harder. i was deeply depressed and anxious, and i spent a lot of time with an upside down sleep schedule, so id go days on end without talking to anyone, which was very isolating. there was a period in time, about seven months after the relationship, where i had suicidal thoughts.

though in the long run, looking back, i feel that the process forced away some of my neediness. i had to reach in and find strength that i didnt know i had. years later, getting through that first year is one of my proudest accomplishments, and it taught me a resilience that stayed with me. and eventually, some normalcy did return.

but ive often said i wouldnt learn the most important lessons for a couple more years. after about a year post breakup, i got back into dating, and i made what i think were objectively bad choices in partners, and got my butt kicked. maybe a year after that, i came here, and i applied myself. i finally saw my role in life and my relationships with real clarity. it was humbling, but even more so, it was empowering. and, it was freeing. i was able to drop the baggage that i carried and added to in each successive romantic relationship, in relationships with friends and family, and in my world view. as a result, i was better able to weather the storms that would come, without adding more baggage, and better appreciate people for who they are, and enjoy my relationships and connections.

"I am entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches." and it feels good.

[Insom]

Congrats on these changes, Cromwell: 

my health physically and mentally has returned, no more sleepless nights, anxiety, days of depression and worry, a lot of psychosomatic pain I notice has gone too. Ive stopped drinking, recreational drug abuse, cut down heavily on smoking from 40 a day to 10.

It sounds like you're doing great!

negative changes; I happened to unexpectedly encounter my ex about 8 months after complete NC and gave her my number. On the surface, she has done nothing wrong, the opposite: she comes across as all the things I liked about her when I first met her. Regardless of that, my anxiety came back, ive had some sleepless nights, I started to ruminate and tread back on those bad memories, reinforcing them what id done well to stop doing

Are these really negative changes or could they be a guidepost? For some of us relationships with partners with BPD can serve as a portal to a more self-reflective state and great learning.  Healing is ongoing.

Have you started thinking yet about what made this relationship appealing to you in the first place?  What problem did it seem to solve for you at the moment you entered it?

How do you feel now compared to the time of being together. Also do you feel it was an experience you wish you never had or has it ended up giving you value for the future?

I'm here in my forties to process a relationship I had with a diagnosed person with BPD when we were teens.  While that relationship was an important one that shaped my life in interesting and beneficial, ways it was also abusive and difficult.  For a long time I pretended it didn't happen and just got on with things: my education, meeting and marrying my husband, starting my professional life and so on.  Now that I'm older I'm able to open that pandora's box of memories which has led to many insights.  Things about my life and family history that have confused me for years are starting to make sense.  No, I do not regret.

[Shawnlam]

I’d say I’m about 80% detached at this point with 20% that will go away over time.As for my life ,oh boy oh boy oh boy where do I start ? Here are the positives;
I learnt where my weaknesses are or if you will the holes in my emotional blanket ,self esteem ,confidence.I found out I don’t like to feel vulnerable and hence my automatic response has always been either retreat or emotional blocking off the other person(sulking is another word for it).I also learnt a ton on complex b disorders and what to look for as red flags in the future.I learnt you can’t change or fix what’s broken when it comes to people unless it’s yourself.I learnt from people here in specific Harley Quinn’s quote : rely on actions not words which I failed on all levels during my last relationship.I also learnt from I believe it was either skip or once removed to invest little at the beginning see where it goes ,expect some back if not why invest more?

The negatives:
Falling in love with a beautiful but broken woman who I miss deeply even knowing how disturbed she is,and what she’s done since we separated .That doesn’t mean I want her back and it doesn’t mean we can be friends because those things can’t happen.But it still doesn’t mean I don’t miss her terribly or that I love her less.
Other negatives is the huge rebuilding of self esteem and confidence ,and the cost of therapy to do so .Its tuff to realize you weren’t the man you thought you were and now you need to  rebuild yourself at 41 years old.But I think that’s what life is all about lessons lessons lessons .

God I miss you xxxx you little brat .

[Skip]

Its tuff to realize you weren’t the man you thought you were and now you need to rebuild yourself at 41 years old.But I think that’s what life is all about lessons lessons lessons.

We never stop growing, learning. 

[gilac]

I must point out a very positive outcome after all the chaos

I'm still recovering, but, there is one thing that is rapidly going into a better direction. I mentioned earlier that I was diagnosed with mild social anxiety four years ago, went to therapy for one year and it all had a positive outcome. I learned to "control" the anxiety and was finally able to move on with my life.
Later came the relationship and during the devaluation phase I started to be afraid that I'm loosing control over my anxiety and was actually blaming it for the whole situation (I was so confused). Than I noticed how she would deliberately bring my worst fears in order to break up with me as painfully as she could. She was playing with my fears.

However, here I am, after all the chaos you're all familiar with during the break up and after... .I feel a very fast progress, even feeling better than I used to, the anxiety is at it's minimum. I saw what it means when you have someone who complains when it comes to social events, who is very shy (or pretended to be) and so on... .The first positive feeling among all the anger I had was that I must move on from her isolation and loneliness. Her darkness gave me power not to be anything close to that kind of attitude.

I'm very open to people and I'm not afraid of social interaction, my social skills improved also during this two or thee months, I still can't believe it.

I'm still desperate from the situation, it gets better, but this is one big positive outcome from all of it that is worth to mention.

[Cromwell]

it was interesting and warming to hear people moving on, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I needed to hear that kind of positivity. Thanks for all the replies, 

[Shawnlam]

it was interesting and warming to hear people moving on, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I needed to hear that kind of positivity. Thanks for all the replies, 

Moving on is tuff , I still get moments everyday of thing about her but life has to move forward regardless of heartbreak.The only saving grace that makes it much easier is to know they moved on exceptionally fast which although throws more gas on the fire it also helps to detach easier .Knowing we no longer mean anything to them or in my case anyways is a good tool to quench any desires for a reach out .Id think In Your case Crom if it wasn’t for that bus ride you may never have seen her again... .think about that if you will ,says a lot.

[Cromwell]

Moving on is tuff , I still get moments everyday of thing about her but life has to move forward regardless of heartbreak.The only saving grace that makes it much easier is to know they moved on exceptionally fast which although throws more gas on the fire it also helps to detach easier .Knowing we no longer mean anything to them or in my case anyways is a good tool to quench any desires for a reach out .Id think In Your case Crom if it wasn’t for that bus ride you may never have seen her again... .think about that if you will ,says a lot.

the bus ride just cemented back into her mind my existence and the texts back and forth started to jolt her memory of the past, mines too. I think of her sometimes during each day but its more of a "ive nearly detached from you, you dont hold power over my emotions anymore", thats stage 1.

stage 2, ive decided to go no contact after tomorrow. ive celebrated this weekend that by Monday, she wont just be physically nc out my life, but the start of the road towards indifference.

I had a date with a girl, got drunk and she told me she likes emotional connection before looks. 

Im lucky I had the willpower to leave before blabbering about my ex and how this reminded me, but I realised how she came via alcohol to the forefront of my mind and it made me all the more determined that she cant even exist as contacting via text let alone develop it further again.

shawnlam, our minds are the most powerful of things, but they can work against us as much as they can work for us. I might not think about her consciously, but she is still festering in my subconscious and indirectly affecting the quality of my life, sapping mental energy and even sabotaging clandestinely my chances at future relationships. 2 ways to resolve; go back to her or leave her for good.

I dont deserve a better "friend", i "want" better, so if I dont hear anything by end of tomorrow, it is new sim card time. I think ive done well shawn, every emotional laden text she has sent ive posted back neutrally/indifferently. Hopefully she has read between the lines that whilst the mine is far from being exhausted, its doors are closed to her. I think thats the happy ending I was looking for.

[Shawnlam]

the bus ride just cemented back into her mind my existence and the texts back and forth started to jolt her memory of the past, mines too. I think of her sometimes during each day but its more of a "ive nearly detached from you, you dont hold power over my emotions anymore", thats stage 1.

stage 2, ive decided to go no contact after tomorrow. ive celebrated this weekend that by Monday, she wont just be physically nc out my life, but the start of the road towards indifference.

I had a date with a girl, got drunk and she told me she likes emotional connection before looks. 

Im lucky I had the willpower to leave before blabbering about my ex and how this reminded me, but I realised how she came via alcohol to the forefront of my mind and it made me all the more determined that she cant even exist as contacting via text let alone develop it further again.

shawnlam, our minds are the most powerful of things, but they can work against us as much as they can work for us. I might not think about her consciously, but she is still festering in my subconscious and indirectly affecting the quality of my life, sapping mental energy and even sabotaging clandestinely my chances at future relationships. 2 ways to resolve; go back to her or leave her for good.

I dont deserve a better "friend", i "want" better, so if I dont hear anything by end of tomorrow, it is new sim card time. I think ive done well shawn, every emotional laden text she has sent ive posted back neutrally/indifferently. Hopefully she has read between the lines that whilst the mine is far from being exhausted, its doors are closed to her. I think thats the happy ending I was looking for.

I’d say I have a long while to go before I “feel” anything for a woman.I was intimate since being away from my ex and it’s scary to say I felt zero emotion.I also have been on dates and again felt zero literally zero towards the other people except being polite and looking at the time go by when they weren’t looking so I could escape the boredom of being there .This told me two things 1: I’m not over her 2: stop going on dates because it isn’t fair to the other person .

All in all it will be very very hard to find anybody remotely entertaining or fun as my ex was on her idolization period ,both from a date,entertainment,sex,emotional attachment   perspective.Its almost (I mean this only right now as time will change things) ,that frankly I’m just not interested in anyone else... .knowing it will never live up to the awesome times I had with my ex.Those thoughts ,feelings will take hard work to overcome but that’s what I’m going to have to do,work on it.A lot of people will say “ she had BPD and those moments were all BS and mirroring “ but hey she was a human being right there with me the whole time having fun and she can’t just be discarded in my memory .I miss her still and in my way I wish she would have discarded me with hatred and disdain, I think it would have been easier to digest.Having been left by saying I was husband material and pretty perfect didn’t help me let go,neither did that lunch  1 month ago ,and neither did her texts that evening about loving me,missing me and wanting to spend time with me.All of that could have been BS impulsive commenting or letting me down easy but it sure didn’t help me let go.All in all I’m trying and I think I’m doing pretty good considering how screwed up I am!

[Cromwell]

shawn I understand, I also havent found a girl that can get those intense feelings, but I am actually coming to terms with it that this was in the big picture a negative thrill seeking. What id like to say is that always make sure you are not underestimating the role you played in generating the excitement, your ex didnt hang around with you for nothing, it was also to thrive off our energy. Do I want a partner that I never have an argument or fight with, never do crazy things with or have days that dont keep me on my toes wandering what happen next? to a great extent these are things I enjoy. Yet there are two sides of the coin, do you want some sort of stability or do you want someone who will cheat on you, cause your life chaos and destruction to deal with as a means to keep the relationship "interesting" rather than "boring" and predicable?

Skip is correct, we get what we deserve, he didnt quite say this but its my translation and it makes sense, so be careful what you wish for. At the same time, dont feel disheartened at not finding someone compatible after a few dates, its a big world out there, your ex might have felt like you struck gold at the time and were lucky to do so, but id say it was more to do with circumstance and proximity. I met my ex when I moved around in a social circle of hedonistic personality disordered people, I could easily re-enter that and find an equivalent, I choose not to. been there, done that and it is about recalibrating myself first into what I expect in a r/s, this process in itself needs to be completed first before finding someone suitable, or it just leads down the same road already travelled.

ive often witnessed r/s where the two just seemed to spend most of their day arguing with one another and I wondered why on earth they are still together, well it is for that exact reason, they thrive off it where I would be exhausted from it.

I went through a lot of jobs until I found one that suited me. The same is with relationships, if at first you dont succeed, try, try again. I might have found a good fit for me in the 8 months I spent ruminating about the fall out from my ex and replaying this same old tape. sure, they make it inviting by always holding the carrot on the stick, or the door open, but ultimately it is just going back to the same toxic well for another drink when could instead be trying something new. Even if I found another dysfunctional person, I have the experience from the past to deal with it, trying to rekindle a r/s with my ex is the same as having comfort in "better the devil you know, than you dont know", yet it is still the devil.

i might encounter worse than I already have, who knows, but at least I tried and besides this time ive got "mr relationships" aka Skip to guide me, so there isnt much I have to worry about at all, and neither should you shawn mate.

so please you know as much as I do that this old path you travelled on lead to hurt and heartache, it leads nowhere that you wanted it to. lets not waste a minute more trying to think it will be any different - back track a bit and find a new route to fulfillment, I hope you do and the qualities you have someone out there is waiting to appreciate and reciprocate.

[Shawnlam]

shawn I understand, I also havent found a girl that can get those intense feelings, but I am actually coming to terms with it that this was in the big picture a negative thrill seeking. What id like to say is that always make sure you are not underestimating the role you played in generating the excitement, your ex didnt hang around with you for nothing, it was also to thrive off our energy. Do I want a partner that I never have an argument or fight with, never do crazy things with or have days that dont keep me on my toes wandering what happen next? to a great extent these are things I enjoy. Yet there are two sides of the coin, do you want some sort of stability or do you want someone who will cheat on you, cause your life chaos and destruction to deal with as a means to keep the relationship "interesting" rather than "boring" and predicable?

Skip is correct, we get what we deserve, he didnt quite say this but its my translation and it makes sense, so be careful what you wish for. At the same time, dont feel disheartened at not finding someone compatible after a few dates, its a big world out there, your ex might have felt like you struck gold at the time and were lucky to do so, but id say it was more to do with circumstance and proximity. I met my ex when I moved around in a social circle of hedonistic personality disordered people, I could easily re-enter that and find an equivalent, I choose not to. been there, done that and it is about recalibrating myself first into what I expect in a r/s, this process in itself needs to be completed first before finding someone suitable, or it just leads down the same road already travelled.

ive often witnessed r/s where the two just seemed to spend most of their day arguing with one another and I wondered why on earth they are still together, well it is for that exact reason, they thrive off it where I would be exhausted from it.

I went through a lot of jobs until I found one that suited me. The same is with relationships, if at first you dont succeed, try, try again. I might have found a good fit for me in the 8 months I spent ruminating about the fall out from my ex and replaying this same old tape. sure, they make it inviting by always holding the carrot on the stick, or the door open, but ultimately it is just going back to the same toxic well for another drink when could instead be trying something new. Even if I found another dysfunctional person, I have the experience from the past to deal with it, trying to rekindle a r/s with my ex is the same as having comfort in "better the devil you know, than you dont know", yet it is still the devil.

i might encounter worse than I already have, who knows, but at least I tried and besides this time ive got "mr relationships" aka Skip to guide me, so there isnt much I have to worry about at all, and neither should you shawn mate.

so please you know as much as I do that this old path you travelled on lead to hurt and heartache, it leads nowhere that you wanted it to. lets not waste a minute more trying to think it will be any different - back track a bit and find a new route to fulfillment, I hope you do and the qualities you have someone out there is waiting to appreciate and reciprocate.

I’m not too worried about finding someone ,I went on those dates and was intimate with another to try and feel again? Instead of feeling something it was empty ,yet when I think of Marie-xxxx still a lot of pain.Well I guess to Skips advice we do kinda get what we deserved .that saying how does it go? Becareful what you wish for? Couldn’t be more true in my case ,I looked for something that wasn’t there ,I did a lot of projection myself with her.I miss her though even with her illness I learnt a lot about myself when I was with her. In certain ways I’d love to show her the newer me shawn2.0 but I don’t think she worked much on herself so it wouldn’t matter .Funny how love works doesn’t it ?

[Dunder]

Hi Cromwell, Today around 3am I received an email from my ex-gfwBPD after 3 years of NC. She simply wrote, "I still miss you; lets talk". The experience demonstrated to me how detached I finally became, but it was a very long haul.

I broke it off with her because life with her was emotional torture. It was a gut wrenching experience unlike anything I've lived through before. I still think about her, but the pain and constant rumination are gone. I was initially so full of questions about her behavior, and would have done anything to get some concrete answers about her psyche and explanations as to her both seductive and hurtful behavior. I never got any of those answers, but thankfully, my need for them gradually dissolved over time.

No contact is the only way IMHO. I deleted all of my social media accounts, blocked her phone number and email. She got through to me last night because of a change in my company's email system, which reset the blocked addresses. I made it very difficult for me to find her on the internet so that I couldn't act too quickly on impulse. Some people freeze their credit card in a block of ice to avoid impulse purchases. I sort of took the same approach to avoiding impulsive contact with her. It wasn't easy and I slipped up from time to time but it gradually got easier.

I did feel a rush of old feelings when I saw her name in my inbox. But I was overtaken by sadness for her and the thought of how horrible it must be for her to be stuck in constant emotional turmoil. There's absolutely no rational reason for her to reach out to me now, and certainly not in the manner in which she did. I do fantasize a little about talking with her again, doing a kind of post mortem with her on the relationship but I know I won't act on it. I guess knowing that I wouldn't act on it is detachment in a nutshell.