Was I painted black because I attempted to hold my exBPD responsible

[Newyoungfather]

Looking back at my relationship with the exBPD I'm trying to realize why I was painted black for no reason at all.  Usually when she would shoplift and I would catch her she would break up with me, not talk with me for a few days and then get back together.  So it seems like BPD don't like the person who holds them accountable, what do you think?

[Turkish]

I'd say that not agreeing to be complicit in her crimes it was a good bet she'd be angry at you. 

[MeandThee29]

Exactly.

Mine tells his relatives he has no clue why I won't reconcile with him. Maybe because he's been threatening divorce for years, and I finally decided I didn't want to live with that? Maybe because he's threatened to ruin me financially?

He complains that our young adults don't want anything to do with him. Maybe because he really didn't have a personal relationship with them growing up? Maybe because he left twice and has treated their mom like cr*p?

And so on. I'm continuously amazed that he thinks that we can just overlook all of this and pretend that he's like anyone else.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Newyoungfather,

I think oftentimes confronting a pwBPD (or anyone, for that matter) with their “crimes” can evoke quite a bit of shame, and when that happens, the first impulse is to strike back and/or run away.

That said, if she’s shoplifting, she may want to be careful of the consequences. I’m sure the law will hold her responsible.

heartandwhole

[Skip]

Shame and invalidation.

She knew it was wrong. She looked the other way. You held up a mirror.

Does that fit?

[Insom]

Hi, Newyoungfather.  You've gotten some good feedback from Skip, heartandwhole, MeandThee and Turkish. How are things going?  Any new insights about what happened in your relationship?

[Newyoungfather]

Hello Everyone,
Sorry for the long delay, I've been dealing with problems left and right with the exBPD. 
@Inson, yes everyone's comments gave me more insight on the failed relationship.
@Skip
"Shame and invalidation.

She knew it was wrong. She looked the other way. You held up a mirror.

Does that fit?"

Yes this fits perfectly, every therapist we went to she turned against when they told her she needs help.  It seems like every time I tried to show her how her actions hurt our relationship, aka hold her responsible, she lashed out.

[Jeffree]

Mine moved out two weeks after I caught her talking up some guy in the middle of the night.

All I told her when I discovered the calls on her cell phone activity, after I heard her speaking in hushed tone at 3 a.m. one day, was that she should devote more time cleaning up her messy rooms instead of speaking to XXXXX XXXXXX in the middle of the night.

Her response was to move out because I "was spying on her."

Yeah, I'd say they don't like being held accountable for their shenanigans too much.

J

[tornANDfrayed]

They absolutely can’t be held responsible and knowing full well what they’re doing/what they did is wrong, they will make it out like you’re irrational and throw in the towel when confronted. Which can mean painting you black to avoid the self shame.

I remember my BPDex basically reaching the ‘hands in the air/I give up’ moment a few times when I would put my foot down to crummy behavior. It’s like a child trying to deny a lie desperately to the very end knowing they’ve been discovered and then making you out to be the bad guy for pressing them on it.  I’m not sure if they truly convince their minds that you are just being unkind and are therefore toxic to them but we all know the shame is too much for them to handle so perhaps they protect themselves in this way.

[Newyoungfather]

@tornANDfrayed
Yes this makes very logical sense, she would try to lie and when she got caught she acted like a little kid.