Can't quite figure it out

[sk2840]

I am brand new to BPD and found out through a counseling session that my sister probably has narcissistic personality disorder.  I finally went to counseling at the end of 30 years trying to figure out why I have such a loving relationship with my sister and at other times it devolves into the relationship from h---.  Counselor suggested reading The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder by Kreger.  This book helped tremendously and I have come to realize that she exhibits the signs outlined in the book and probably does have the disorder.  I can't do anything about her but I am trying to help myself by not getting back in the same old rut with her.   
Our history has been that she explodes over anything that does not go her way and she really gets hurtful and nasty not just about me but my family, lifestyle, etc.  But she always comes back after a few days/weeks/months/, offers a half hearted apology, and I have to this point always made up with her.   I do not want to cut her out of my life completely but I do see that coming if I can't find a coping mechanism to deal with her.  The hardest part for me has been trying to figure out how someone can be so sweet, loving, and kind one minute and the next minute turn into someone I don't know and at times have been a little afraid of.  I'd like some suggestions as I muddle my way through this.

[Harri]

Hi sk2840 and welcome to the boards.  All of us can relate to having a family member with BPD or BPD traits so you are in the right place.  The good news is that things do get better.  The other good news is that you have already figured out that you can't change her but you can change the way you interact with her.

We have several articles on BPD behaviors and communication tools that are very helpful to read through.  I do not recommend them so that you can understand your sister but more so you can help yourself depersonalize and detach from a lot of the behaviors that you find difficult to deal with.  One such article is Emotional Blackmail- Fear, Obligation and Guilt.  "Emotional Blackmail" and "FOG", terms coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward, Ph.D., are about controlling relationships and the theory that fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Another is Projection  Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way, to someone else

We have lots more to read.  If you look over on the right side of the page you will see the Survivors Guide.  Each item expands when you click it.  More articles are in the stickied thread at the top of the board titled Lessons.  There you will find many articles.  Just read as you can and take it slow if you feel yourself burning out.  It can be a lot to take in all at once.

Anyway, once again, I want to say again that I am glad you found us.  Please ask any questions you may have.  We are a warm, compassionate and supportive group here.

[Panda39]

Hi sk2840,

Welcome to the BPD Family!   Good for you to see the dysfunction dance you are doing with your sister    The question is what can you do to change the dynamic?

We have a lot of tools here that can be helpful with the relationship you have with your sister.  It doesn't have to be either she "walks all over you" or  you "go no contact", there are other things in between that you can try.

Have you tried setting boundaries around what you will tolerate and not tolerate regarding your sister's behaviors?  What have you done in the past when your sister "explodes"?

Below are links to more on Boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

The hardest part for me has been trying to figure out how someone can be so sweet, loving, and kind one minute and the next minute turn into someone I don't know and at times have been a little afraid of. 

People with BPD have a difficult time regulating their emotions, but that doesn't make raging at us is okay, and it doesn't mean there should be no consequences to their actions... .in other words having a hard time regulating emotions is not an excuse to be abusive.

I want to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information, when you have a chance you might want to check out the "Lessons" section, particularly "Understanding BPD Behaviors" and "Managing Your Relationships"

Again Welcome 
Panda39

[sk2840]

Thanks for the advice and suggested reading material.  My situation with my sister has been going on long enough that I fully realize that I need to change some of my behavior patterns if I'm going to interact with her.  I'm also trying to accept what has happened between us and gain a more positive outlook for the future.  I have been reading about boundaries and realize that I pretty much have no boundaries with her.  So am going to read everything you suggested.  Thanks for your responses.

[Panda39]

My situation with my sister has been going on long enough that I fully realize that I need to change some of my behavior patterns if I'm going to interact with her. 

You've got it!  One of the first things to learn is that we can only change or control one person and that person is ourselves    That said when we change what we've always done there can be ripple effect that changes an entire dynamic.

Maybe we can work with you to create a boundary, is there a situation with your sister that seems to happen over and over again that you struggle with? 

Panda39

[sk2840]

The problem with trying to create boundaries with my sister is that there is not one situation I can point to that causes a problem between us.  She is fine until something does not go her way and  I have an opinion that differs from hers.  She has gotten angry over the slightest of things to the point that I have found myself just not saying much around her in order to keep any conflict down.  She doesn't seem to like any opinion I have or how I interact with my family or conduct my life in general.  If I do not do things according to what she thinks then there is a problem  I finally had enough of being treated like a 3 year old a few months ago.  When I tried to talk with her about it she exploded and created a scene in my home that will not be forgotten soon.  I believe that low contact with her is the best solution and if the pattern keeps repeating itself with low contact, then I will go to no contact.  I have spent many years worrying about the problem and trying to find a solution.  I have come to the conclusion that there is no solution when dealing with an irrational person.  I'm pretty much in the self preservation mode at this point.  If you have ideas that might help, I am more than eager to hear them.

[Harri]

Hi sk2840, how are you?

Boundaries should be built around your personal values not the pwBPD behaviors.  So, if your sister becomes dysregulated you can still use boundaries to protect yourself.  You determine what you value is, you decide on your boundary, and you figure out what you will do in the face of a boundary violation.  The action you take should reflect your personal value as well.  So this comes full circle in a sense.

For example: (a very simple example)
Personal Value:  You value respectful communication
Boundary: 
You will not tolerate verbal abuse
You will not accept being yelled at, ridiculed, or excluded simply for having a different opinion.
Action:  You will ask the person to stop speaking to you in a disrespectful manner.
  You will hang up the phone/leave the room if the behavior continues
 
Changing your behaviors when you are around her is the same as walking on eggshells.  Now granted, you should pick your battles.  Not everything is a hill to die on, but that does not mean you have to shrink down and be quiet or worse, accept verbal and/or emotional abuse.  She will get upset when you resist and say no, please stop, etc.  Expect it and stay firm in your boundary.  Recognize that the way she is responding has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her disorder and stay firm in your boundary.  Accept that she is who she is and stay firm in your boundary.  Accept that she gets to deal with her emotions, dysregulations and the consequences for those behaviors and stand firm in your boundary.  Allow yourself the ability to be you with your own emotions and behaviors that you get to be responsible for and stay firm in your boundary. 

Boundaries are about us in that we do not necessarily have to express them to the other person.  Boundaries are about our behaviors in response to personal violations.  We have choices and we have the right to say no.  If your sister feels hurt or gets more angry when you establish boundaries (and she probably will) that is her stuff to deal with.  You take care of you.

I agree that there is no getting through to an irrational person... .so we need to stop trying to.    Take care of you and work with what you can do, which is establishing boundaries and acting according to your personal values.  She will be who she is regardless.

Does the above help? 

[zachira]

I have two siblings and a mother with BPD. My heart goes out to you, as it is so unsettling and hurtful to have a loved one suddenly get angry for no apparent reason.What works for me is to limit my contact and to not tell them any more about my life than I have to. I treat them mostly like small children that cannot handle any kind of minor upset, though I have to pick my battles. There are times when I stand up for myself because what they are doing is a deal breaker for me. This site has many people who are dealing with siblings with BPD and NPD, who are in situations similar to yours. Do read some of the other posts, and take a look at our materials on coping with people who have BPD. We are here to support you and listen anytime.